BunkoSquad Republican Roundup
A couple of weeks ago, we looked at the
John McCain, Arizona.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator.
Pros: Noted war hero, which could rekindle Republican interest in war heroes. Is considered a thoughtful, principled "maverick" by booking agents for Sunday talk shows.
Cons: His farm in Arizona, which pays lettuce pickers $50 an hour, is diverting funds away from the campaign. Karl Rove thinks McCain has a black daughter.
Dick Cheney, Wyoming.
Current Occupation: Puppetmaster.
Pros: Universally beloved. Affable, gracious, charming. Maybe the greatest American of the 21st Century. Please, Republican primary voters…write the man in!
Cons: "Retail politics" in Iowa and New Hampshire are difficult to conduct via satellite from the undisclosed bunker. Constitutional question of whether he’s already served as President for two terms. Shot his friend, and we can’t mention this enough, when he thought his friend was a bird. Karl Rove hears Cheney has a gay daughter.
Sam Brownback, Kansas.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator, Witchfinder.
Pros: Has led the charge for the Broadcast Decency Act, which aims to protect children from sex, violence, and negative mentions of Kansas Senators. Calls himself a "compassionate conservative", and we know how well that goes.
Cons: Farther to the right than Tonga on a Mercator projection. His social views might be better suited to winning an election in Idealized America in 1948, or in Spain in 1498.
Mitt Romney, Utah Massachusetts Michigan.
Current Occupation: Handsome man.
Pros: His stance on abortion, gay rights and stem cell research. Has completely cut ties with Massachusetts, to the point where lighting a Red Sox jersey on fire is a staple at his stump speeches.
Cons: His stance on abortion, gay rights and stem cell research. Belongs to the Mormon Church, which to some conservatives, belongs in the "freaky" religion category, along with Scientology, UFO worship and Judaism. Constantly cites his success at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, yet there’s no record he landed even one single triple-lutz while there.
Tom Tancredo, Colorado.
Current Occupation: U.S. Congressman.
Pros: Will end unemployment, as all Americans will be put to work building a 40-foot wall along all American borders. Will end overpopulation, as no American travelling abroad will be allowed to return. So against bilingualism that he speaks only in Olde English to avoid using bastardized words like annual, chipmunk, or Colorado. Would probably throw Carlos Mencia in Gitmo.
Cons: Has already revealed plans to nuke Miami if elected. Last name ends in a vowel, which would make him suspect in his own Administration.
Rudolph Giuliani, New York.
Current Occupation: Former Mayor of N.Y.C.
Pros: Acted as President throughout September of 2001, while Washington leadership was hiding in the hamper. Turned entire neighborhoods of New York City from dingy, colorful, mysterious, unique locales into slightly-busier versions of Indianapolis.
Cons: Has openly met gay people without snarling and making the cross with his fingers, which can’t help with the base. Before 9/11, was widely criticized for repeatedly burning down Manhattan museums. Yankee fan, and we know how well they’re doing this century.
Jeb Bush, Florida.
Current Occupation: Presumably doing something.
Pros: Often described as the "smartest one in the Bush family", an honor akin to having your number retired by the Colorado Rockies. As Governor of Florida, countless hurricanes hit his state, but none of them completely destroyed any of his cities, if you catch my drift, Louisiana. Has issued more declarations of disaster areas and states of emergency than any other man in history.
Cons: Nobody wants hurricanes to suddenly start hitting Washington, D.C. Plus, let’s face it; at this point, Americans are as likely to vote for a man named "Bush" as they are to vote for a man named
"Nahasapeemapetilon".
Condoleezza Rice, Alabama.
Current Occupation: U.S. Secretary of State.
Pros: As National Security Advisor and Secretary of State, has leaped from success to success building America’s reputation abroad, according to an unverified GOP press release. Has made history as the most prominent female African-American Republican.
Cons: The most prominant female African-American Republican. Says she’s not running, and try to get a write-in campaign started for someone named "Condoleezza", when most Americans have trouble spelling "lose".
Larry, Nebraska.
Current Occupation: Cable Guy.
Pros: His subtle wordplay and rapier-like jests resonate with a Middle America weary of comedians who require some kind of working knowledge of things to appreciate their elitist jokes. Will be the second U.S. President to close a State of the Union address with "Git R Done" (James K. Polk, 1848).
Cons: Might seem too uppity after eight years of Bush. Secret Service will have problems designating a Winnebago as the new "Air Force One".
Stephen Colbert, South Carolina.
Current Occupation: TV Pundit, host of The Colbert Report.
Pros: Tells it like it is to a nation misled by the liberal media, particularly in the form of Jon Stewart. First media figure to alert the public to
the troubling fact that the population of African elephants has tripled in the last six months.
Cons: Who’s going to be the featured comedian at his first White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner? Other than that, no cons, since I don’t want an official Wag of the Finger on my permanent record.
Donald Trump, New York.
Current Occupation: Real estate tycoon, TV game show host.
Pros: Has built an empire of land and fame, despite having the personality of a nutria. Has hair that doesn’t move.
Cons: Likes to name everything after himself. Are you ready for the states of Trumpsylvania, New Trumpxico and Trumpsconsin? Neither are we. Would try to fire the Supreme Court.
Beorge W. Gush, Texas.
Current Occupation: Rancher.
Pros: No records on file.
Cons: No records on file.
If I was Guy Smiley, I’d be kind of pissed at you right now.
I’m glad you did “Git R Done” with the review of both parties. Good comment/comparison involving the Colorado Rockies!