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July 14, 2004
I Don't Like This Plan
BunkoSquad has learned: Unconfirmed sources are reporting that, as part of pre-Democratic Convention security, local and federal officials are discussing the option of just rounding up everyone in Boston and surrounding cities and shooting them.
"It's the next logical step," said an unnamed official in Mayor Menino's office. "We've closed every road in and out of town for the entire week. We're going to make the MBTA as friendly as East Germany. And still people are complaining. If you can't eliminate the problem - and we can't - we can eliminate the background noise."
A Secret Service spokesman concurred. "We talked very seriously about martial law," he said. "But it's just not efficient enough to post armed guards in the foyer of every apartment building inside of 128. But if you kill everybody in town before the convention begins, you nip any potential problems in the bud."
Mayor Menino laughed off criticism of the kill-everyone policy. "We're going to show our visitors the real city of Boston," he told a Chamber of Commerce luncheon. "And the real city of Boston isn't full of irritated townspeople, traffic logjams and pessimism."
"It's buildings and stuff."
The logistical problems of disposing of the corpses of 1.5 million Bostonians will be tricky, admitted the Secret Service source. BunkoSquad has learned, however, that federal officials have worked out a $4 trillion deal with Halliburton to handle the grim task.
Menino has scheduled a press conference for Friday to give details on the schedules of the kill-squads. "Everyone just stay home during convention week. There's no need to go out. We'll find you."
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Comments
You rule. Hats off, that was brilliant.
Posted by: jo | July 15, 2004 04:14 PM
