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February 25, 2005
Fox, Vatican Planning New Reality Show
ROME - With Pope John Paul II in poor health, and no clear-cut frontrunner to assume the role of the Holy Father, the Roman Catholic Church has decided to team up with the Fox Network and find its next Pope with a reality TV show, BunkoSquad has learned.
The show, tentatively titled "American Pontiff", will follow hundreds of contestants from early auditions in church basements to a star-studded finale in New York's St. Patrick's Cathedral. Simon Jones, creator of the hit TV show American Idol, is involved in the planning and says he's excited. "With the Church at a crossroads, the Vatican is looking for someone to boldly take Catholicism into the 20th...I mean 21st Century," Jones told reporters in Los Angeles. "Someone who can fulfill the longstanding traditions of Rome, but also someone with a little pizzazz."
American Idol judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and the impish Simon Cowell are already tentatively signed on to rate contestants on such elements as scriptural knowledge, chanting, and condemning the evils of modern society. A test run at St. Ambrose Parish in Teaneck, N.J., left the three enthusiastic. "These papal wannabes floored me!" said Abdul. "Even if some of them flubbed the Nicene Creed and took a little too much sacramental wine, the excitement was definitely there." Cowell took a dimmer view, saying, "These kids put the 'Ewwww' back in Eucharist."
Jones assuaged the fears of many traditional Catholics by saying that many of the ancient rites will be followed. "I know the Pope is traditionally chosen by the Cardinals, so we're working on getting Mark McGwire as a celebrity judge in the finals. And when the white smoke comes out of that chimney - boy, it will be one of the great moments in TV history."
Fox has already confirmed that fan favorite William Hung will be a regular fixture on the series. Said Cowell, "When that kid sings the 'Hosanna in the highest' bit...well, I ran into the confession booth and prayed that God would take me away."
The winner will receive a lifetime of adoration, free travel, countless audiences with penitents, and the unlimited use of the Popemobile.
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Comments
Good satire. Hmm ... should Ray Flynn be a celebrity judge? As long as it's not Cardinal Law (whose name always make me think of martial law).
Posted by: Vin | February 25, 2005 09:52 AM
