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March 31, 2005

Predictions

Now that I honestly truly think I can put the shovel and scraper away, here are my unsolicited predictions for the 2005 Baseball Season (which starts in (oh my God) 79 hours).

NL West: 1)Dodgers, 2)Padres, 3)Rockies, 4)Giants, 5)D-Backs.
NL Central: 1)Cards, 2)Cubs (WC), 3)Astros, 4)Brewers, 5) Reds, 6) Pirates.
NL East: 1)Marlins, 2)Mets, 3)Braves, 4)Phillies, 5)Nationals.
AL West: 1)Angels, 2)Rangers, 3)A's, 4)Mariners.
AL Central: 1)Tigers, 2)Twins, 3)Indians, 4)White Sox, 5)Royals.
AL East: 1)The World Champion Red Sox, 2)Yankees (WC), 3)Orioles, 4)Blue Jays, 5)D-Rays.

Divisional Series: Cards over Dodgers, Cubs over Marlins, Sox over Detroit, Angels over NY (sorry, guys, it doesn't seem like your century.)

LCS: Cubs over Cards, Sox over Angels.

World Series: Sox vs. Cubs. No way dare I pick a winner here.

Posted by Michael at 11:40 AM | Comments (1)

Dear Protestors

Since your 24-hour vigil over Terri's bedside might be ending any time now, I'd hate to see your trip to Florida be a total waste.

So here's a list of social services in Pinellas County, and here's a list of volunteer opportunities in the Tampa Bay Area. If you like marine life, they need help with manatee research, and the local crisis center can always use a helping hand.

This, of course, assuming you might want to use some of that energy helping someone who has a snowball's chance in hell of benefitting from/appreciating it.

Posted by Michael at 12:09 AM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2005

Pee-Thetic

The Poor Man is giving up on CNN:

They have two people on, right now, discussing how much urine Terri Schiavo did or did not produce last night, and what amount of urine would be considered a “miraculous” amount of urine.

CNN. Your Number One source of news.

Posted by Michael at 12:53 PM | Comments (1)

Boston.com

Boston.com, generally my first stop to check breaking news (well, kinda - more on that in a minute) is about to require registration. An informal study of BunkoSquad staff shows that visits to a site that require registration go down about 60%, but we're going to give this a try.

Here are their stated goals:

1. We want to know you better. Seeing how many users read a story or do the crossword puzzle is limited research; we want to give you more of the stories and features you like.

OK, here's what I like. I like the big news to be front and center on the home page. I don't like the (admittedly-easy-to-turn-off) rotating front panel that would sometimes show me automotive news and make me search for the real news. If I want to search for the real news, I'll search CNN or Fark instead.

I like to read about the Celtics. If you go to the Globe sports page, you generally have to scroll down past baseball, football, hockey, college sports, girls' highschool lacrosse, and updates on the 2012 Olympics to get any coverage of the C's. This is during basketball season, mind you.

2. Our advertisers want to reach those who are most interested in their products. So if you live in a certain geographic area, for example, one of our retailers might place an ad for a store near you on the pages you visit.

Actually, I'm pretty aware of the stores near me. There's that one Indian restaurant that I haven't tried yet, but I doubt that I would have missed that it exists. I'm sure I'll see ads for Central Square stalwarts like McDonalds, Blockbuster, Starbucks, and Foot Locker...all of which I could find almost blindfolded, and all of which I could find in any town in America.

It doesn't really matter, though, since I consider myself about the most adproof person around. 75% of what I buy is used. I go to the mall 3x a year (before Christmas, and a couple times to hit the Best Buy discount-DVD bin). The chances of me buying a car, or refinancing a loan, or asking my doctor about some new pills, is as close to nil as the chance of me starting to follow girls' highschool lacrosse. So ads don't really bother me (at least until this happens). Plug away.

Posted by Michael at 12:33 PM | Comments (1)

But No Donuts In Sight

Across the street from my office, there's a small parking lot, They're doing construction work there. The parking lot is empty, it's closed to traffic. Yet there's a uniformed cop on detail, on a 55-degree day*, probably making $40 an hour.

Pretty nice racket, huh?

*(That may not sound like much to some of you, but trust me. If you've been in Boston the last 6 months, 55 degrees feels like Aruba.)

Posted by Michael at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2005

How To Win Friends And Influence People

Step 1. Be a representative of a small publishing company.
Step 2. Contact an online book reviewer, and ask if she'll write something about a book you've published. When she says she can't promise she'll like it, proceed anyway.
Step 3. Wait for the review. Uh oh, it's bad:

Leah’s Way is a perfect example of crucifiction, ignoring plot and character development in favor of beating readers over the head with a religious message. Which, to put it another way, means it’s just plain bad.

Step 4-5-6. Launch a series of emails at the reviewer. Accuse the reveiwer of Christian-bashing,

And, unbeknownst to you, it helps us when "politically correct, hate anything Christian" liberals choose sides as you have done in the culture wars. By the way, we're winning.

rip the reviewer's personal life,

You're so inconsequential that it is like you simply don't exist. Don't bother responding. I won't bother reading your response, and you'll have your attention hoping nature's worst nightmare come true--you'll be ignored. Enjoy the rest of your miserable life.

and, while you're on a roll, break out the nukes.

You picked on Leah's Way solely because your biases predispose you to hate it. That's not a critic, that's a propaganda machine like Goebbels was under Hitler.

Step 7. Profit.

Kudos to Steph for not going ballistic back at the rep, and thanks to Bookdwarf for sending me here.

Posted by Michael at 04:43 PM | Comments (1)

March 25, 2005

Song Beginnings: An Unscientific List

Inspired by Jen's post: my five favorite beginning to songs. She seemed to mostly go with first lines; mine seem to be opening chords or instrumental beginnings that let you know you're in for a musical treat.

In no particular order:
1. "Round Here", Counting Crows. The fact the music doesn't start until about 15 seconds into the track. The quiet guitar. The first line: "Step out the front door like a ghost into a fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white."
2. "Orange Crush", REM. when in doubt, start with some fast drumming.
3. "Won't Get Fooled Again", The Who. Drums and keyboard, setting the stage for eight minutes of maybe my favorite pure rock song of all time.
4. "Cherub Rock", Smashing Pumpking. Speaking of opening drumrolls...
5. "Yellow Ledbetter", Pearl Jam. Picture it, Hartford, 1996. First time ever seeing my favorite band (it was a limited run of dates -- the 'FU, Ticketmaster' tour). Concert ends. Encore ends. we stay behind, not wanting to leave. The band comes back out and plays this song. Unbelievable.

I reserve the right to heavily edit and change this list as more stuff comes to me.

Posted by Michael at 08:30 PM | Comments (5)

Sick and Twisted and Funny

If you're easily outraged or offended, you might not want to check out the following. But here's a safe one: a member of that crazy Hollywood elite weighs in on the Schiavo affair.

OK...we're all adults here, right?

The second funniest thing I've read/seen on the Schiavo affair is the sixth cartoon down on this Get Your War On page (the one that starts with "My wife and I made our living wills...").

The funniest thing was a comment on a Fark thread where someone compared Terri to Michigan J. Frog; when only her parents are in the room, she sings, dances and talks, but can't do a thing when someone comes in to witness the event.

I guess the actions of the Republican leadership are bringing out the evil in all of us.

Posted by Michael at 01:07 AM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2005

The Weirdest Movie Roundup Ever

(Disclaimer: the following contains the most forced segue in BunkoSquad history)

The gravity post below (which was fake) was inspired in no small part by this fiasco - several IMAX theaters in the (wait for it) South aren't going to be showing a new film about volcanoes because it mentions evolution. Keep in mind some of these IMAXes are attached to science museums. I guess science museums in the South are probably rightfully fearful about torch-wielding mobs.

But do you know who oughtta be concerned about torch-wielding mobs? Any theater in New England that shows Fever Pitch.

Never in my life did I think that a movie featuring

would make me want to throw up repeatedly, but they've pulled it off. Why? Because 30 seconds after Foulke threw Mientkiewicz the ball, launching the Official Greatest Moment of My Life, Fox treated us to the sight of Drew and Jimmy dancing around the St. Louis infield. In the words of Sheila Broslovski...wha wha WHAT?!?

Because here's the deal. We, as Red Sox fans, wanted to see the Red Sox celebrating. We wanted to see Johnny Damon and Johnny Pesky and Johnny Henry. And we wanted to see the Idiots in the customary pigpile and racing towards the champagne.

We didn't want to see Jimmy Fallon; he's from New York and not even remotely a real Red Sox fan. And we (how do I say this without potentially souring the Next Offical Greatest Moment of My Life) didn't...(I'm sorry)...need to...(I'll make it up to you)...see...(I swear)...Drew, who -- let's be honest -- probably didn't fully appreciate the gravitas of the moment. (Let me make it up to you, OK?)

So I won't be seeing this movie. This guy is calling for a universal boycott. Good for him. And Bill Simmons' thoughts are pretty close to my own.

Of course, if Drew shows up and offers to escort me to the film, my principles will last about as long as an evolution pamphlet at a creationist science museum. But until then, I'm taking my $9.50 elsewhere. And shame on any movie theater around here that screens it.

Posted by Michael at 03:43 PM | Comments (2)

Theory of Gravity Challenged in Oklahoma

OKLAHOMA CITY - Responding to pressure from parents' groups and others, the state Board of Education has agreed to place restrictions on the teaching of Newton's theory of gravity.

Stickers will now be required to be placed on all middle- and high-school science, history and French textbooks. The stickers will read, "This textbook contains material on gravity. Gravity is a theory, not a fact, regarding the forces that hold the universe together. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."

"It's clearly a victory over the Oklahoma scientific elite," said Tallequah parent Marcy Spingler. "I don't want my kids exposed to some theory that hasn't been tested, proven. peer-reviewed and verified. Our prayers have been answered."

The board's vote was 6-to-1 in favor of the stickers. Professor Max Wiersing, an MIT graduate who has lived in Oklahoma since his car broke down traveling Route 66 in 1992, cast the lone dissenting vote. "These people think that 'theory' means 'guess'. It's not. A theory is an established paradigm that explains the data we have and offers valid...oh dear Lord. Never mind."

Wiersing stared off into space for a minute, then offered more evidence in favor of gravity by hurling himself off a bridge.

Enid lawyer James Plunk, who has mounted succesful challenges in Oklahoma to the Theory of Evolution, the First Law of Thermodynamics, and the Pythagorean Theorem, was pleased with the result. "We're going after long division next!" Plunk told a rally outside the smoking crater that once housed the Oklahoma Science Museum. "Then we're banning Barney, beacuse there weren't any dinosaurs on Noah's Ark!"

Schoolchildren don't seem to be fazed by the thought that Oklahoma's scientific test scores now lag behind 46 states, 143 countries, a tribe in New Guinea that's never been exposed to the outside world, and several species of hermit crabs. Tulsa sixth-grader Ashley Britney Sue McCormick said. "Teacher used to tell us how Isaac Newton has some apple fall on his head or somethin'. Teacher ain't there no more."

Tenth-grader Billy Brapp of Ponca City agreed. "Back before Pa threw the TV away 'cuz all the electricity came out of the socket and filled the house with poison, we used to watch all those cartoons. You know how Wile E. Coyote used to run off a cliff all the time? He never fell -- at least, not till he looked down or was shown a book about gravity."

The ruling makes Oklahoma the seventh state to restrict teaching about gravity. Next week, Tennessee lawmakers are poised to pass a bill officially delaring pi to be 3.

Posted by Michael at 12:49 PM | Comments (4)

March 21, 2005

Note To Self

People don't comment on the political stuff. Interesting.

Posted by Michael at 07:57 PM | Comments (9)

Republican Hypocrisy...Shocking!

Here's a real good post over at Hullabaloo explaining why the Right's grandstanding over the Schiavo case looks even more ridiculous when you compare it to stated Republican positions on other issues.

Posted by Michael at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)

It's Here!

My Dad was a pained Red Sox fan for the first 95% of his life. While convalescing from surgery a couple of years ago (the surgery was unrelated to his Red Sox pains) he decided to put together a book explaining said pain. I believe it was to be entitled Why The Red Sox Never Win. He finished it at the beginning of 2004.

However...as you may remember, recent events changed that particular picture, meaning my Dad had to undertake some serious rewriting. So he did. And today, he finally got to put a copy of that book, now entitled The Possible Dream, in my hand. It will be getting onto local bookstore shelves soon, and as soon as I have a verified link to buy it online, you'll get that too. He's got a website that will have more information.

Congratulations.

Posted by Michael at 01:01 AM | Comments (3)

March 20, 2005

Brain Death

I've been trying really hard figuring out how to voice my feelings on poor Terry Schiavo.

I thought about being snarky and pointing out that the GOP and the Religious Right are fighting for her because they need as many brain-dead supporters as they can muster.

I thought about being optimistic, and hoping that maybe we could have an honest debate in this country about euthanasia and death with dignity. This summer, I took my roommate and her cat to the vet. She held her li'l Nino, wracked with kidney failure, in her arms as the vet game him a tiny injection and he fell asleep, instantly, forever. A damn cat has more of a right to die with dignity than a person.

I thought about feigning surprise that our absentee President is cutting short one of his legendary vacations (or reading My Pet Goat II) to rush back to Washington in case his signature's needed on an emergency Congressional bill that the Republicans (motto: "We Used to Act Like We Were Against Government Meddling") have scrambled to assemble to keep this epic going.

I thought about taking an inquisitive tack: why is the so-called "culture of life" in this country fixated only on pre-embryonic clumps of protoplasm and nonresponsive liquified brains? Aren't there a lot of Americans (and not a few people in other parts of the world) suffering and ailing, who could actually benefit from some of the misguided energy the save-Terry crowd is expending?

I thought about all these things, then settle on just a request. If my brain should somehow liquify and go beyond hope of repair (shaddap out there), just let me go. As quickly and painlessly as possible. Don't put people I care about in the center of a media and legal tug-of-war. Don't put my "life" in the hands of Jeb Bush and the First Rancher and Bill Frist (see, we're back to killing cats) and Jerry Falwell. I'm too cheap to make out a living will, so let this stand forever as a declaration of my intent. No wrangling over what I told to whom when. Hell, I beg for a coup-de-grace when I twist my ankle.

Can we get back to real news now?

Posted by Michael at 12:22 AM | Comments (0)

March 17, 2005

East Coast

Next month, I'll be hitting the road again for the Second Annual BunkoSquad Road Trip (Destination: Florida). Taking Sooz along for her first extended road trip, the plan is to pretty much head straight down I-95, see a few ballgames in Florida (1 Mets/Marlins, 2 Sox/Devil Rays) and come back on a slightly different route, time/finances permitting.

It's my first haul all the way down to the Sunshine State. Any readers out there have any suggestions of stuff to see/places to visit/roadside eateries to patronize? I've got a rough outline, but if anyone has any worldbeaters, I'm happy to work them in.

Posted by Michael at 11:54 AM | Comments (7)

March 15, 2005

Snot Funny

The Winter That Won't End just keeps on giving. I have the most miserable cold I think I've ever had in my life. Now when I blow my nose, I can feel my brain actually starting to leak out. How else would you explain the fact that I watched Fox News for 1/2 an hour this morning, unable to summon the energy to change the channel?

Posted by Michael at 03:36 PM | Comments (0)

March 12, 2005

Say It Ain't Snow

One of my primary defense mechanisms has kicked in: the unconscious channeling of Weird Al Yankovic. Listening to the piped-in music at the supermarket, I was thisclose to doing a Paula Cole parody ("Where is my Fozzie Bear/Where is my Prairie Dawn/Where is my Harry Monster/Where have all the Muppets gone?"), but then on the walk home, I realized what's gotten me all edgy and grim and needing a defense mechanism in the first place. So with apologies to Weezer, here's my song:

oh no, not again

another six inches is forecast for friday
another three inches, sunday overnight
guess i'll go shovel once more

oh no, not again, this sucks, can't win

flip on the telly, weatherman's grinning
says it won't change over to rain after all
my patience is ready to blow

say it ain't snow
oh please, i'll do anything
say it ain't snow
knock me unconscious till spring

i could go skiing, but i would hate it
i won't go skating or do anything
cause i say, this snow
it means ice scraping and sludgy streets, it drives me crazy every day
it ain't cool

say it ain't snow
oh please, i'll do anything
say it ain't snow
knock me unconscious till spring

years ago, i should have
moved myself down to georgia
new orleans, las vegas
the sun shines there, so i hear
this new eng-land climate
it makes me want to vomit
it won't stop, it can't stop
my city's buried in a drift

Posted by Michael at 09:53 PM | Comments (2)

It's A GOOD Ache

I've been home for two hours. An apple juice and about six lozenges later, my throat has stopped crying out in itching pain. The redness on my hands is receding. And my knees aren't creaking when I stand up anymore.

And I've had a little time to reflect on the absolutely UNBELIEVABLE game I witnessed tonight at the Garden (we can call it the Garden again now, right?). The Celtics took everything the champs had to offer, outlasting Detroit in a double-overtime game that was probably...nah, it was...the best regular season game I've seen in the modern Celtics era.

Let's start with the highlights: The reanimated corpse of Mark Blount getting 17 points in 35 minutes, to the point where I actually wouldn't have minded seeing him take the last shot at the end of OT#1. Paul Pierce playing like the Paul of old, coming up clutch in the 2nd OT (even if he telegraphed the shot at the end of regulation that would have won it)...getting to the line...playing with a little swagger again. Lafrentz keeping Ben Wallace in check under the basket in the first quarter. GP and Antoine bumping chests and dancing a little as the Celts took a lead. And a notice to the defending champs that the Atlantic Division will actually have a WINNER this year, not just a Least Mediocre.

The lowlights? Well, 'Toine went 4-for-19. Eegads. And the C's kept falling for Detroit's "let's let Rip Hamilton drive the lane and shoot 2 free throws which take six minutes apiece" offense. Larry Brown bitching about every call that went against the Pistons, to the point where he killed his team by finally getting a technical called on him in the 2nd OT. Ben Wallace airballing a free throw.

A personal highlight? Our buddies from Section 324, who abandoned their season tickets after last season's snoozefest, made their first visit of the year, so we got to catch up.

Look, I know this team is flawed. But I think the C's can play with any team in the East, and almost any team in the West. Considering we were projecting a 35-win season back in October, it's a pleasant suprise that they're in the driver's seat for the #3 seed in the East (and don't look now, but they're only a game and a half back from legitimately owning it), and more to the point - they're fun. I haven't felt this sore after a game in a while. I like it.

Posted by Michael at 01:23 AM | Comments (1)

March 09, 2005

My New Raison d'Etre

Hello to the Uncyclopedia, a ripoff of Wikipedia where you're encouraged to be fake, funny, and all over the map. Have at it.

Posted by Michael at 07:29 PM | Comments (0)

Book Reviews

It's been too long since I've laughed hysterically at anything I've read online. Thank you to World o'Crap for breaking that drought with their Christian Book Club roundup. Funny funny stuff.

Posted by Michael at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)

Lousy Smarch Weather

This is ridiculous. I refuse to come up with any more movie reviews or pithy fake news stories, or write anything, until the weather gives me something other than this "dark-and-stormy-night" crap. It's hard to channel the late Hunter S. Thompson (not that I ever really tried, but you get the idea) when the skies above are unrepentently Lord Bulwer-Lytton. (But I can still reach back and pull out a terribly obscure literary reference.)

I don't know what it's like everywhere, but here in New England, there are two kinds of pre-spring. There's the traditional March, where a few cold days are balanced out by a few mild days, where you actually get a glimmer of some of the warm weather to come. I remember a couple of years ago -- it may even have been March 9th -- walking down Comm. Ave. near Kenmore Square, and it was about 57 degrees, and I was just around the corner from Fenway, and I thought, "Wow...I really like living here." Then there are the springs like last year, and like this year's shaping up to be: where it's cold and sullen and rainy and snowy every day, and then on May 7th, it's suddenly 80 and humid. And I hate living here.

Oh look, I just went and wrote something. By the way, feel free to point out that I'm the schmuck who planned a trip to Florida in April instead of February. My only defense is that the Red Sox are involved.

Posted by Michael at 01:15 AM | Comments (2)

March 02, 2005

I'm 37. I'm Not Old

(The above was a bonus Monty Python joke for alert readers)

Would that The Holy Grail were in the list of the 100 Greatest American Movies of All Time. But it's not. It's not even American. Pity.

What is #37 on the list, though, is The Best Years Of Our Lives. And here's the review.

Posted by Michael at 11:16 PM | Comments (2)

Great Moments In Postgame Press Conferences

Doc Rivers, praising the play tonight of seldom-used big man Justin Reed:

"Justin's literally been in mothballs for a few weeks..."

Posted by Michael at 10:40 PM | Comments (5)

Hippo P.S.A.

If...if...any regular readers of this site think that maybe getting a pet hippo is a good idea, here's a cautionary tale.

Posted by Michael at 02:20 PM | Comments (5)

Antoine

I was skeptical. You know that.

But Simmons, the official chronicler of the First Antoine Era in Boston, nails it -- this trade was "like the adrenalin shot from Pulp Fiction".

This isn't about welcoming back a favorite son, because nobody ever liked him that much. It's about 20,000 fans apologizing to someone who never received a fair shake. It's about a guy who learned from his mistakes and longed for a second chance. It's about perception and reality. It's about black and white. It's about sixteen championships, and Red and Cooz, and Russell and Bird, and a franchise that used to stand for something. It's about standing and cheering and clapping until your hands ache, about appreciating someone that you never quite understood, about making up for lost time. It's about fans chanting "AN-TWAN WAH-KER" and clapping in rhythm to the syllables.

I can't believe I have to wait till Sunday to go back to the _____Center. He's back.

Posted by Michael at 10:22 AM | Comments (1)

March 01, 2005

The Family That Flays Together

An amusing little anecdote from Jerry Falwell - reminiscing about the time his father skinned and cooked a one-legged man's cat and served it to him for dinner. And by "amusing", of course, I mean "sickening, but explaining a lot about Jerry".

(Found on The Talent Show)

Posted by Michael at 02:40 PM | Comments (0)