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April 04, 2005
The Next Pope
The candidates:
Francis Arinze, Nigeria.
Current Occupation: Cardinal of Nigeria.
Pros: First non-European pope. Prepared for the coming Christian-Islam global war.
Cons: Non-European. From the Clarence Thomas school of "he's farther to the right than Sean Hannity, but he's black, so liberals won't say anything" school of devious nominations.
Claudio Hummes, Brazil.
Current Occupation: Archbishop of Sao Paulo.
Pros: Would represent strong Church presence in Latin America. Pleasant-looking guy.
Cons: He's old. Born in Brazil of German parents. Way too "The Boys From Brazil" for me.
Jean-Marie Lustiger, France.
Current Occupation: Archbishop of Paris.
Pros: Jewish; has taken Catholic-Jewish relations in Paris higher than they have been since the Black Death.
Cons: The first leader of the Christian Church was Jewish, and people still argue over what exactly he meant by what he said.
Bono, Ireland.
Current Occupation: Frontman, U2.
Pros: Has worked visibly for various causes and cozied up to high-ranking world figures. Wrote "Where the Streets Have No Name." Accustomed to preaching.
Cons: Tends to drop F-bombs left and right. Wrote "Daddy's Gonna Pay For Your Crashed Car."
Ricky Davis, Boston Celtics.
Current Occupation: 6th man, Guard/Forward.
Pros: Will tenaciously defend the majesty of Rome. Will provide a burst of energy to a tired Church hierarchy.
Cons: Still has "head-case" label. Not confirmed, but we suspect maybe, just maybe, he likes the herb a little bit.
Henry Kissinger, Sixth Circle of Hell.
Current Occupation: God Only Knows.
Pros: Has full backing of Bush Adminstration, who's been inexplicably desperate to put him in some position of power.
Cons: He should be one.
Dante Hicks, New Jersey.
Current Occupation: Quik-Stop Clerk.
Pros: Willing to work long hours for little reward. Might go back to college someday.
Cons: Can't even lift a gallon of milk without straining. Might be dead.
Sean Hannity, Fox News.
Current Occupation: Fox News TV Personality.
Pros: Already bathed in a shimmering aura of smug self-righteousness. Has been nominated for a Nobel Prize. Singlehandedly kept Terry Schiavo alive from 1991-2004 until judges made him stop.
Cons: Is a fu[+++SEDITIOUS COMMENT DELETED BY USDHS. CARRIER DROPPED+++].
Matthew Lesko, TVLand.
Current Occupation: Infomercial Pitchman.
Pros: Can find new sources of wealth for the Vatican by tapping into government grants and services. Looks like Eugene Levy.
Cons: Kind of a tool. Roman tailors may balk at covering Papal robes with question marks.
Mike Krzyzewski, Duke University.
Current Occupation: Head Basketball Coach.
Pros: Always gets to the Sweet Sixteen. Responsible for training countless young men and readying them to be NBA busts. Hair doesn't move.
Cons: Has coached for years a team with "Devils" in the nickname. Papal robes might not be billowy enough to accomodate both Pope K and the herd of sycophants attached to his rear end.
Parker Posey, New York City.
Current Occupation: Indie-film Darling.
Pros: Has kept a viable career without losing indie cred. Would convince millions of strayed Catholics to give the Church another try. Hot, yet seems approachable.
Cons: ?????
Filed Under: Made Up Stuff | Permanent Link, Comments (7) | Linking Blogs
Comments
Very interesting...do you have much influence in Rome?
Posted by: GreenieGirl | April 4, 2005 10:38 PM
Yes...but, unfortunately, it's Rome, New York.
Posted by: Michael | April 4, 2005 11:20 PM
Well, it could be Tony Roma's Restaurant (wherever that is).
Ricky Davis, eh? At least he would "tenaciously defend the majesty of Rome" and that's a much better image than that of Mike Kryzewski's "sycophants".
Posted by: Vin | April 5, 2005 09:30 AM
Bono'd look pretty good in the outfits, though.
Posted by: shannon | April 5, 2005 10:56 AM
I saw Matthew Lesko at the Booksellers Association last year and it was surreal, maybe even bordering on a religious experience. I see a higher calling for him than taking advantage of government grants. Ommmmm...
Plus, he looks like the the Riddler in Batman.
Posted by: V-bunny | April 5, 2005 01:04 PM
i have seen both the question-mark guy AND parker posey in real life and in person!!! the question mark guy was wandering around DC during the march for women's lives, and parker passed me in nyc and i was like, where do i know her from?? and then realized. i think she was looking to meet guys, you know, like, italian guys...
who knew these people whom i have witnessed might end up as pope???
Posted by: christine | April 6, 2005 03:09 PM
oh, i'm so for pope parker posey. when is the election???
Posted by: jessanne | April 13, 2005 01:12 PM
