BunkoSquad

1. Muhammad Ali (1942-). Heavyweight boxing champ; lightning rod of racial controversy in the Sixties. Has risen from his controversy to become a pretty-much-universally beloved figure. B+.
2. Maya Angelou (1928-). Has written lots of poetry and autobiographical books about her experiences growing up black in America. None of which I've read or, frankly, plan to. C+.
3. Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906). Suffragette, early feminist, pictured on the dollar coin that everyone thinks is a quarter at first. I guess she belongs on the list. B+.
4. Neil Armstrong (1930-). First man to walk on the moon, if you believe that NASA didn't make the whole thing up. B.
5. Lance Armstrong (1971-). Survived cancer (bet you didn't know that) and won the Tour de France a whole bunch of times. Wins a lot of "Greatest Athlete" awards from people who vote as if they're being monitored. Decent cameo in "Dodgeball", but that's not enough to make the list. F.
6. Lucille Ball (1911-1989). America's first beloved TV star. Kept going to the club when Ricky was working. D+.
7. Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922). Invented the telephone; he'd be a shoo-in if he hadn't indirectly been culpable in telemarketing and the "Can You Hear Me Now" guy. But, hey, it's still fun to call bowling alleys and ask if they have 12-pound balls. A-.
8. Barbara Bush (1925-). Married a mediocre President and spawned a litter of crooks and liars. They couldn't have chosen, say, Abigail Adams?!? F.
9. George H.W. Bush (1924-). The 20th Century's answer to Chester A. Arthur. D-.
10. George W. Bush (1946-). The quintessential American success story. Born to a family of sharecroppers, Bush parlayed his natural savvy and unblemished military record into a string of successful business ventures. He won three World Series' as owner of the Texas Rangers, and united the country into voting him into the White House with a sweeping election victory in 2000. From there things only got better, as Bush ended terrorism, hunger and stem cell research. A+++.

Dammit. Look what happens when I leave my computer for a second. Grade: W. It suits him, and it's 17 letters below F.

11. Laura Bush (1946-). The 21st Century's answer to Lucretia Rudolph Garfield. F.
12. Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919). Not the "How To Win Friends And Influence People" guy, but a steel magnate and a major force in the charity world. I'm a little touched that Americans picked him instead of, say, Clay Aiken. B+.
13. Johnny Carson (1925-2005). Big-time talk-show host, comedian and TV presence for decades. Not quite the academic clout of Faulkner, but he'll do. B-.
14. Jimmy Carter (1924-). If you leave out those unfortunate four years as leader of the free world, has built a pretty solid reputation as a humanitarian and peacemaker. Plus, the very sight of him still pisses Republicans off. B-.
15. George Washington Carver (1864?-1943). All I remembered learning about him is that he invented peanuts, which doesn't seem quite true. But he was apparently a brilliant natural scientist and one of the first black Americans to show those white supremacist dirtbags up, so he gets a solid A.
16. Ray Charles (1930-2004). Soul singer with a long and distinguished career. He's great, don't get me wrong, but I think the bar for "Greatest American" must be set a wee bit higher. D-.
17. Cesar Chavez (1927-1993). Labor activist, farming activist, crusader for migrant workers. I'm genuinely shocked Americans remembered to put him on their list. B.
18. Hillary Rodham Clinton (1947-). Took the phrase "Stand By Your Man" to entirely new places. I think time's gonna tell where she ends up on this list 50 years from now; for now she makes half the country hate her, and the other half like her just 'cause the first half get so red-faced and worked up over her. Grade: Incomplete, but probably around a D right now.
19. Bill Clinton (1946-). Um. See Hillary. I do wonder, though, how 1993-2001 would have gone if he hadn't had to spend his entire Presidency literally dodging urine-filled balloons from Republican House Leadership. Notable for making stuffy TV anchors and George F. Will actually have to mention oral sex on the air. C+.
20. Bill Cosby (1937-). TV star, comedian and occasional social lighting-rod. May have done more with "Reading Rainbow" than anytime since. Another case where a not-as-famous painter or novelist might have been a slightly better choice. C-.

21. Tom Cruise (1962-). You have got to be freaking kidding me. F-.
22. Ellen DeGeneres (1958-). Would be ranked with any number of slightly funny comedians except for the fact that she was one of the first famous people to come out. Except for that, I'd give the nod to Paula Poundstone, who has some issues of her own. D.
23. Walt Disney (1901-1966). Issues with the omnipresence of his Empire notwithstanding, he did create some of the most beloved and lasting characters in pop-culture history...and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad kicks ass! I'd like to see him win, just to see if they defrost him to accept the award. B+.
24. Frederick Douglass (1818-1895). One of the first leaders of the genesis of the Civil Rights Movement. Inspires a vague feeling in a lot of people that they probably should know more about him. A-.
25. Amelia Earhart (1897-1937?). Aviation and feminist pioneer. Of course, it didn't end well, but we can't really hold that against her. After all, even with 60 more years of technology, we can't really guarantee your luggage won't end up in Cincinnati without you. B.
26. Clint Eastwood (1930-). Personification of the Western hero and tough guy. Has gone on to a pretty remarkable career as a director. Another good film star elevated to this list by Americans' nearsightedness. D.
27. Thomas Edison (1847-1931). I've got no argument with this guy. Interesting note from his bio: "His first patent was for a vote-recording machine -- which was deemed impractical." So he's still relevant today. Solid A+.
28. John Edwards (1953-). I hope to hear more from him in the future...but come on. It's a little early to be on this list. Grade: Incomplete, but not passing yet.
29. Albert Einstein (1879-1955). Only lived in the US for fifteen years, but I think any country would jump at the chance to claim this guy. A+.
30. Dwight Eisenhower (1890-1969). Celebrated war general and President. Can't argue with this. A.

31. Brett Favre (1969-). Methinks the ballot boxes were stuffed like cheddar into bratwurst. Greatest American? Um. No. F.
32. Henry Ford (1863-1947). I'm torn. He did revolutionize industry and was decent to his workers, but he was a raving bigot by all accounts. And since this isn't like the TIME "Man Of The Year", where you can be a bad guy and still win, the "Greatest American" shouldn't be a guy who thought the Jews were out to get him. So all in all he earns a D.
33. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790). See, this is what I'm talking about. If someone asked you out of nowhere, "Who's the Greatest American ever?", Ben's gotta be one of the first three names that pop into your head. Not Brett Favre. I mean, honestly. A+.
34. Bill Gates (1955-). Say what you want about him, but if it hadn't been him, the fine line between "blogger" and "guy cursing under his breath at the bar" would be even blurrier than it is already. B-. Unless you're reading this on a Mac, in which case D--.
35. Mel Gibson (1956-). It's occurring to me that maybe the people at the Discovery Channel are just having fun with us. F-.
36. Rudolph Giuliani (1944-). I'll let my friend YHE take this one. Whenever anyone tells him they admire the resolve and grit Rudy showed in the fall of 2001, he yells, "He was just doing his job!!!!!" Lest we forget that on September 10th, a lot of people didn't like him all that much. C-.
37. John Glenn (1921-). A true pioneer in space exploration. Such an all-around decent-seeming guy that I don't even really want to make a joke. A-.
38. Billy Graham (1918-). Without knowing too much about him (so I could be wrong), he seems like a religious leader who's managed to stay on the good side of the dividing line between inspiring a lot of people and just pissing everybody else off. So a qualified C.
39. Alexander Hamilton (1757-1804). The Founding Father best known for being on the $10 bill and getting shot in a duel. Kind of a snoot, but it's hard to say no to a Founding Father. A-.
40. Tom Hanks (1956-). If you had told me in 1985 that one of the stars of "Bosom Buddies" would be on this list in 20 years, I probably would have picked Hanks over Scolari. I can't give a current movie star a real high spot on this list, but Hanks does radiate that Jimmy Stewart vibe, and he's been in a lot of good flicks. Major loss of points for "You've Got Mail", though. C.

41. Hugh Hefner (1926-). Wins hands-down (if not pants-down) in the "American I'd Like to Have Traded Lives With" contest. But Greatest Ever? Only 74,219 women know for sure. C.
42. Katharine Hepburn (1907-2003). I'm pretty sure that an objective panel wouldn't have 65 movie stars (a rough count) as the 100 greatest Americans. But you could do a lot worse than Kate. C.
43. Bob Hope (1903-2003). Maybe I could make a case against him, but I won't. He was an icon of screens big and small for almost a century, which is a hell of a lot more than I've accomplished. B.
44. Howard Hughes (1905-1976). Anyone want to take bets on whether he'd be on this list if that movie hadn't come out last year? Anyone? Didn't think so. So if you'll all please quietly forget about him, and let me go back to searching for my copy of the will Howard wrote to me on his deathbed. D+.
45. Michael Jackson (1958-1992 (when he was replaced with the robot)). Despite all the prominent Republicans on this list, there's only one of the hundred whose face makes me twitch in horror and throw a shoe at my TV set. Well, two (GWB). F----.
46. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826). Yes, he owned slaves. It sucks and it's a stain on his legacy and there's no valid excuse for it. But Tom's my pick for #1. End of story. A+.
47. Steve Jobs (1955-). What'd I give Bill? (scrolls up) A B-. Sounds good.
48. Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973). What do you give the man who launched the civil rights laws in the '60s but also got us stuck in Vietnam? I suppose the most solid C on the list.
49. Michael Jordan (1963-). I love the NBA as much as nearly anyone alive, but a basketball player can really only get so high a grade on the "Greatest American" scale. Unless, of course, he wore green. C-.
50. Helen Keller (1880-1968). I'm sarcastic, cynical, and jaded -- but you're not gonna catch me dumping on Helen Keller, for God's sake. A-.

51. John F. Kennedy (1917-1963). Sure, there were the Bay of Pigs and the beginnings of Vietnam. But it's been 42 years since we've had a President who I wish could have served for 20 years, just to see how much he could have made of this country while he was in office. A.
52. Robert F. Kennedy (1925-1968). It's been 37 years since we've had a Presidential candidate who I wish could have served for 20 years, just to see how much he could have made of this country while he was in office. A.
53. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (1929-1994). Probably the second best First Lady ever, I suppose. Make what you will of that. B-.
54. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968). Rest assured that if MLK turns out to win the contest, you wouldn't hear a peep out of me. A+.
55. Rush Limbaugh (1951-). Rest assured that if he turns out to win the contest, you would most certainly hear a peep out of me, if your definition of "peep" includes the words "hostage situation" and "fifty U.S. Marshals". F----.
56. Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865). Thanks to Bill and Ted, I didn't even have to look up his birth year. It's a cruel twist of fate and the alphabet that Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln bracket Rush Limbaugh. In honor of this coincidence, tomorrow's lunch will be steamed clams for an appetizer, a grilled cow pie for the entree, and tiramisu for dessert. A+.
57. Charles Lindbergh (1902-1974). Since I haven't read Philip Roth's alternate-history novel where Lindy is elected President and turns the US towards fascism, I'll have to go by his actual record, which stands by itself. A-.
58. George Lucas (1944-). Has shown that in America, you can coast off one or two really good ideas for over 25 years. That's inspirational, in a weird way. D.
59. Madonna (1958-). You're joking, right? F.
60. Malcolm X (1925-1965). Sort of the bad-cop to MLK's good-cop during the Sixties. I really oughtta watch that movie soon. B.

61. Dr. Phil McGraw (1950-). When I think of the all-time Great Americans, the list goes Jefferson, Lincoln, King, and Doctor Freaking Phil. Now I know the Discovery Channel is just screwing with our heads. F----.
62. Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962). Maybe it's just me -- but it seemed to me she lived her life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set it. I would have liked to have known her, but I wasn't yet a kid. Her candle burned out long before her legend ever did. But hubba hubba. C-.
63. Michael Moore (1954-). I'll put A+, just beccause I haven't gotten any poorly spelled hate mail yet in 2005. OMG MiCHAel M00r IS teh FAT!!!!!
64. Audie Murphy (1924-1971). Since I know he won't take the #1 spot on the list, I don't begrudge him making the final hundred. A war hero and actor who I frankly don't know a hell of a lot about. >B.
65. Richard Nixon (1913-1994). If by "Great American" you mean "Conniving crook who botched Vietnam and resigned in disgrace": A. If you mean "person who makes you proud to have shared a country with him", not so much. D.
66. Barack Obama (1961-). Shhhhh. Give him time. Grade: Incomplete.
67. Jesse Owens (1913-1980). Just by being his amazingly talented self, managed to give a public metaphorical middle finger to Hitler in 1936. I'm down with that. B+.
68. Rosa Parks (1913-). Another nominee who I'm not even tempted to make a joke about. A-.
69. George Patton (1885-1945). Kicked the hell out of Nazis in Europe and Africa. And it was a good movie. A.
70. Colin Powell (1937-). The one Republican in Bush's Cabinet that we really, really, really wanted to like. I hope for his sake his WMD speech at the U.N. doesn't go down in history with Khrushchev slamming his shoe on the podium. And I hope for America's sake that he publicly and vehemently renounces his Republicanism. We'll forgive you, Colin, I swear. C-.

71. Elvis Presley (1935-). The biggest rock star ever. And he was so good to his mama. B+.
72. Ronald Reagan (1911-2004). I think my views on Ronald Reagan have been amply noted. I'll give him a B- just for being such a uniquely American character, and to keep the hate mail juuust on this side of actual death threats. Too bad the Reagan Memorial Library has already run up $600 billion in debt.
73. Christopher Reeve (1952-2004). His personal tragedy and heartfelt advocacy are remarkable. But the way he spat out "General...care to step outside?" in Superman II sealed the deal. C+.
74. Condoleezza Rice (1954-). It's 3 AM, and I can't muster up the energy I need to fill this space with how I feel about Condi. Talk amongst yourselves. D.
75. Jackie Robinson (1919-1972). Dear white people: have you noticed how many of these 100 finalists are black Americans who are considered heroes just because they were the first to stand up and do their jobs in the face of immense bigotry and hatred? If we get the chance to do this whole America thing over again, can we do it without the centuries of slavery and oppression and see how many more heroes we could have seen blossom into something even bigger? Thanks. Yours, Michael. A.
76. Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962). Probably the best First Lady ever. And thus, I suppose, the Greatest American Woman. So she gets a C. Just kidding, ladies! A-.
77. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945). Yup. A+.
78. Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919). OK. A.
79. Babe Ruth (1895-1948). Now that the Red Sox have won the World Series, I can look at this objectively without visions of Dan Shaughnessy selling another book dancing in my head. I guess being the most famous person in the country for decades must count for something. B.
80. Carl Sagan (1934-1996). Brilliant astronomer and activist. This country would do well to crank out more Carl Sagans and fewer Dr. Phils, in my humble opinion. C.

81. Jonas Salk (1914-1995). Cured polio, for God's sake. It's slightly more impressive than QBing the Packers, even if Salk never threw a touchdown in his life. B.
82. Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-). Is on this list because...well, it's because...I think...because...um. I actually don't have the slightest idea why he's on this list. He's hardly American, and hardly great. It's certainly not for "The Running Man". F-.
83. Frank Sinatra (1915-1998). Think of all the nicknames you could possible acquire in your lifetime. If you can come up with one cooler than "The Chairman of the Board", you let me know right away. B.
84. Joseph Smith (1805-1844). Somehow managed to come up with an organized religion that seemed even stranger than the existing organized religions. That's no small feat. But as soon as someone comes up with an organized religion that's not so big on banning alcohol and caffeine, and gets an entire U.S. State out of it...then we're in business. C-.
85. Steven Spielberg (1946-). Yeah, I guess. If you're going to put Hollywood types high on the list, might as well. And Steve, if you're reading this, shoot me a line; I've got a couple ideas in the hopper I'd love to work on with you. C.
86. Jimmy Stewart (1908-1997). I've gained a lot more appreciation for Jimmy since I started the AFI countdown. He's the quintessential American. B.
87. Martha Stewart (1941-). I'm trying to recreate the mathematical formula in which you can input the values "arts and crafts", "media empire" and "jail time" and get the result "Greatest American". Any eggheads out there want to nudge me in the right direction? F.
88. Nikolai Tesla (1856-1943). Made huge advances in science and electricity. Overshadowed the criminally underrated Charles Proteus Steinmetz. There never was a hair band named Steinmetz, you'll note. B-.
89. Pat Tillman (1976-2004). Not to pee on anyone's parade, but come on. You think maybe we could have thrown Andy Warhol or Ernest Hemingway in the mix? D-.
90. Harry S Truman (1884-1972). A solid President, but one that doesn't elicit a lot of fervor on either the pro- or con-side. I'm just glad it wasn't me who had to decide whether or not to nuke Japan. B+.

91. Donald Trump (1946-; hair 1983-). I can't make a comment without blowing a fuse or saying a lot of bad words. F---.
92. Harriet Tubman (1820?-1913). When it comes to Great Americans -- people who have made this country what it is -- the only thing Donald Trump and Harriet Tubman have in common is the "T" in their surname. Switch their roles in history, and he would have called it the Trumperground Railroad. You know he'd have done it. My God. He's poisoning the rest of the list!!! A.
93. Mark Twain (1835-1910). I want to invent time travel. And I want to discover the Fountain of Youth. And I want to bestow both their benefits on Twain just so he could have lived long enough that we'd get to hear what he'd say about George W. Bush. Something along the lines of, "You could lay a trap in the night and catch ten better men", would be my guess. A.
94. Sam Walton (1918-1992). I don't know how much of it was Sam, and how much of it was the machine that took over after his death. But I have seen the future, I have seen the return of the feudal system, and there's a big-ass yellow smiley face all over it. D.
95. George Washington (1732-1799). First in war, first in peace, about sixth on my list. A.
96. John Wayne (1907-1979). Rugged, sturdy, stoic ... the archetypal American male of the Forties and Fifties. Might not have gotten that rep if he'd still been named Marion Morrison. B+.
97. Oprah Winfrey (1954-). Built a media empire on a TV show and magazine that nobody I know ever has ever watched or read. Maybe that says more about me and my hipster friends than it does about Oprah. Then again, I never sprung Doctor Phil on an unwary populace, so I feel pretty good about my place in this showdown. D.
98. Tiger Woods (1975-). Never has someone combined so much talent with so little joie de vivre. Then again, maybe I'm just cranky because he's younger than me and his socks probably cost more than my salary. Then again, he's a freaking golf pro. F.
99A and 99B. Orville and Wilbur Wright (1871/1867-1948/1912). Do you think they got tired of always being put together on lists like this one? I'm tempted to give them separate grades just to be contrarian, but the only way anyone could ever tell them apart was between 1912 and 1948, when Wilbur was dead and Orville wasn't. Still, their place in history is secure if crowded. A.
100. Chuck Yeager (1923-). Secured the spot as the "fastest man alive", which may not be the reputation you'd necessarily want. But what has he done for us lately? C.

So without ranking them all, here are my top and bottom 5:

1. Thomas Jefferson, 2. Martin Luther King, 3. Abraham Lincoln, 4. Benjamin Franklin, 5. Thomas Edison.

96. Mel Gibson. 97. Donald Trump. 98. Rush Limbaugh. 99. Doctor Phil. 100. Michael Jackson.

I anxiously await the special.