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June 26, 2005
Every American Now Searching In Aruba
ORANGESTAD, Aruba - The disappearance of American teen Natalee Holloway has had a surprising effect on this Caribbean island, as sources tell BunkoSquad that every single American is now on Aruba searching for the missing girl.
"We were worried that Americans might come to distrust and fear our island," said tourism minister Colin Van Der Hoosling. Speaking from a hotel in Venezuela (his home is being rented to house the citizens of Milwaukee), he added, "But trillions of dollars are flowing in now. We don't know what to do with all this money."
The onslaught began a few weeks ago. All American news outlets were left empty as reporters and camera crews stampeded south. But when their exhaustive search came up empty, America rose to the task. Even though the 70 square miles of Aruba have been trampled flat by the 300 million visitors, no one is ready to give up hope yet.
"I just feel so sad for that poor girl," said Ellen McParland of Spokane, Washington. "I've searched my assigned 3-inch by 5-inch section of ground for three days straight now, and nothing." After 15 hours a day of scouring the index-card-sized patch of land, McParland sadly returned to raft #A45-C12465, where she and 453 other volunteers cling overnight off the coast until they're picked up to resume the search again.
The search has had one postive outcome. Mike Teavee of Arizona, presumed missing after the Wonka Factory Massacre of 1998, was found nestled between two leaves. He had been shrunk to two inches tall, but was reportedly in good health, asking what's happened on the plotlines of his favorite Westerns.
It's unclear whether President Bush has made the trip to Aruba. He was on vacation in Crawford, Texas, when the mass exodus occurred, and White House sources indicated that the President might use the downtime to search the United States for terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden. That report was contradicted, however, as Bush was later seen running his fingers through the sand of a 1-square-foot sector of Aruba's Bucuti Beach. "Nothing yet," he grimly told reporters.
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