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June 29, 2005
Paging Hank Aaron
I just noticed that BunkoSquad has accumulated 714 comments since moving to Movable Type. Next comment that comes in, I'm going to do a ceremonial lap and hope that a couple extras from 70's cop shows join me around 3rd.
Posted by Michael at 01:26 PM | Comments (1)
The True North, Strong And Free
Canada legalized gay marriage. Being a bigot is starting to look like less and less like a growth industry, huh?
Posted by Michael at 12:40 AM | Comments (0)
Bush's Speech
I missed it.
I was home with the folks watching the NBA Draft (Gerald Green? An athletic, explosive young player who was tabbed to go as high as #3, falling inexpicably to #18? Yes, please.) and the Red Sox game (I think it's officially time to push the Bullpen Panic Button).
Did anyone see it? Did Bush say we have to keep fighting in Iraq so we don't forget 9/11?
(checks CNN)
Oh. Yup.
6/29 UPDATE: Mike gets to the heart of the speech: a new logo! I think my mind might be turning around on my old colossal-waste-of-military-capital opinion.
Posted by Michael at 12:35 AM | Comments (1)
June 26, 2005
Every American Now Searching In Aruba
ORANGESTAD, Aruba - The disappearance of American teen Natalee Holloway has had a surprising effect on this Caribbean island, as sources tell BunkoSquad that every single American is now on Aruba searching for the missing girl.
"We were worried that Americans might come to distrust and fear our island," said tourism minister Colin Van Der Hoosling. Speaking from a hotel in Venezuela (his home is being rented to house the citizens of Milwaukee), he added, "But trillions of dollars are flowing in now. We don't know what to do with all this money."
The onslaught began a few weeks ago. All American news outlets were left empty as reporters and camera crews stampeded south. But when their exhaustive search came up empty, America rose to the task. Even though the 70 square miles of Aruba have been trampled flat by the 300 million visitors, no one is ready to give up hope yet.
"I just feel so sad for that poor girl," said Ellen McParland of Spokane, Washington. "I've searched my assigned 3-inch by 5-inch section of ground for three days straight now, and nothing." After 15 hours a day of scouring the index-card-sized patch of land, McParland sadly returned to raft #A45-C12465, where she and 453 other volunteers cling overnight off the coast until they're picked up to resume the search again.
The search has had one postive outcome. Mike Teavee of Arizona, presumed missing after the Wonka Factory Massacre of 1998, was found nestled between two leaves. He had been shrunk to two inches tall, but was reportedly in good health, asking what's happened on the plotlines of his favorite Westerns.
It's unclear whether President Bush has made the trip to Aruba. He was on vacation in Crawford, Texas, when the mass exodus occurred, and White House sources indicated that the President might use the downtime to search the United States for terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden. That report was contradicted, however, as Bush was later seen running his fingers through the sand of a 1-square-foot sector of Aruba's Bucuti Beach. "Nothing yet," he grimly told reporters.
Posted by Michael at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)
Rare Air
Sooz alerted me to the fact that this little clambake is featured on Boston.com's Blogroll. I'm a little surprised to see myself in the "Media and politics" section; I've drifted away from a lot of political ranting because (a) it's incredibly discouraging being a raving lefty in Bushistan, and (b) so many people with a hell of a lot more free time than I have do it so well.
But, happily, my subtle shift from "young idealist who thinks if you call attention to a problem, people might try to solve it" to "grumpy old fart growling from the edge of the abyss" is proceeding nicely. So less outrage and more bemused resignation (or is that resigned bemusement) is thus called for. Now I just have to figure out how to word my fake news story: "CNN Linked To Three More White Girl Kidnappings".
Anyway, thanks to (I assume) Adam for including me in this list. It's also helped me discover Celtics Blog, which is going to be a staple of my daily romp through the Internet.
Posted by Michael at 10:48 PM | Comments (0)
June 25, 2005
A Point For the Libertarians
I've been trying to look at this week's Supreme Court ruling on eminent domain from any angle other than, "Now they can send in troops to take your house and build a Walmart", but I haven't yet found the right angle.
This should have been the easiest Court decision ever. The conservatives would have (and, in fact, did) take the side of the property owners. And the so-called "liberal" justices would have (but completely didn't) made an important distinction between eminent domain cases that truly improve the public good (hospitals, highways) and those that are merely land-grabs for the well-heeled (malls, business complexes). But they didn't. The SCLJ apparently think that the promise of increased property-tax revenue is public good enough to tear down a neighborhood in Connecticut to build condos and a playground for Pfizer.
And now all it will take is for Walmart to convince ($$$) a local government that your land isn't living up to its full potential, and in come the bulldozers. Oh, they'll make sure you get "fair market value", which of course is whatever they say it is (see how the valuation of your property when it's time for Walmart to cut a check compares to the property tax you've been paying).
There are ways to avoid this. Local and state governments are free to pass their own laws strictly curtailing the abuse of eminent domain. Maybe every possible case should be put to a local election, and your neighbors and townspeople can decide if the "public good" is served by tearing down your neighborhood. But go ahead and ask me how optimistic I am that local and state governments will do the right thing ($$$).
Once I told my libertarian brother that I'd probably agree with his party, if corporations didn't have legal recognition and rights as persons. With this ruling, the "person" of Walmart has legal permission to march into your yard, throw a handful of dollar bills at you, and start marking off the boundaries of the parking lot. And I'm not sure if the libertarians are willing to stand up to that. But it's clear nobody else really will.
The obvious quick-fix solution, of course, is to declare that the homes of the five Justices who voted for this travesty would be put to better use as casinos.
(Note: if it seemed like I was picking on Walmart too much in the above....too damn bad.)
Posted by Michael at 12:09 PM | Comments (3)
Never Gets Old
Let's check in again on that live-cam of the Yankees bandwagon.
In a related story, the Sports Pickle says we should take heart in the struggles of the plucky Bronx nine, considering the hurdles they've had to overcome.
Posted by Michael at 12:56 AM | Comments (0)
June 22, 2005
Like Clockwork
Terror alerts are so 2004. But the Republicans are in trouble. So time to drag out that old standby...flag burning! Because, y'know, it's so prevalent.
But this time the ridiculous debate has an even more ridiculous standard-bearer: Representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham (Guess-CA).
"Ask the men and women who stood on top of the [World] Trade Center. Ask them and they will tell you: pass this amendment."
D. U. M. B. A. S. S. If you actually had a chance to talk to anyone there (which there weren't, since they were all running like hell or jumping to a certain but quick death), they'd probably be more interested in things like the fact that 15 of the hijackers were from Saudi Arabia. Or maybe the August 6 memo that was ambiguously titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike In U.S."
Maybe they'd even want to talk about how their coming deaths would be avenged. I wonder how many of them would want to be commemorated by a prolonged war in an uninvolved country. I wonder how many of them, for that matter, would want to be used as political props by some shady idiot Congressman to pass a law that has nothing to do with the tragedy about to claim them.
But we'll never know, because they're dead. This, last I checked, was still alive:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Amazing how some people are determined to defend the flag, but don't care so much about burning the Bill of Rights.
Posted by Michael at 09:36 PM | Comments (5)
Meet Lloyd
A quick timetable of last night.
1:20 AM. Home from work. I had to park several blocks away from my building - way out of my parking comfort zone - and am looking forward to crawling into bed.
1:25 AM. Open my door. Hear an unexpected rustling from over the right of my two windows. Oh crap.
1:27 AM. Ascertain that there is, in fact, a bird in my room. My screen has been loose from the left window for a while; I guess some wind blew it open a little bit and in came the bird (I suspect a chickadee). I dub him "Lloyd", because it's more monosyllabic and easier to yell than "you stupid bird." The thought of calling him "my little chickadee" never enters my mind.
1:33 AM. Both windows are now wide open, permitting Lloyd a quick way out. If he'd only look down. But no, he continues to hang around at the top of the window.
1:39 AM. Back from a field trip to the kitchen, where I learn that there's no bread or anything that might conceivably lure Lloyd down to the windowsill and let him escape. Now I'm really ruing my decision to throw out the last bit of rice that came with my (excellent) General Gau's dinner special from Jade Garden. Doesn't rice make birds explode?
1:54 AM. Winded from a merry chase around the room. I tried pinning him with the aforementioned window screen; I threw socks and...well, let's just stick with socks...at him to try to get him down to open-window-level. After a couple near-misses and a couple cameo Lloyd appearances in my closet, he perches once again near the top of the right window.
2:03 AM. Moved some of the furniture around to try to funnel him towards the window. Learned to my chagrin that I didn't, in fact, clean up every shard of glass from that glass that broke last week. Yowza.
2:10 AM. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
2:12 AM. Fire up the Internet. Search for "bird trapped". Finally find a page that recommends turning out all the lights and opening a door. With two cats doubtless lurking right outside my door, I decide not to provoke a bloodbath. Though I'm tempted.
2:17 AM. IE goes haywire, trying to "Detect Proxy Server" for a long long time. I decide then and there to become a loyal Firefox user, which I know will delight some of my core readership.
2:34 AM. After a few (if I dare say so myself) valiant efforts to lead Lloyd to the bottom of the windows, I grimly resign myself to having a houseguest for the night. Lloyd seems to be sitting contentedly on the curtain rod, so I shove aside my fear of having my eyeballs pecked out during the night. (This, by the way, is a legitimate fear of mine, and has been for some time. I have honestly had premonitions of losing an eye to a bird or a wayward umbrella.)
2:40 AM. A little too wired to fall asleep, I throw in my Deep Impact DVD for a bit. I figure a few minutes of planetwide cataclysm might put my situation in perspective.
6:12 AM. The sun hits my window. Lloyd goes, to put it mildly, berserk. Now I'm wide awake and marvelling at the perceptiveness of whoever coined the term "birdbrain".
6:17 AM. Screw it. We've reached endgame, and I'd really like to salvage that magic hour of sleep between 6:30 and 7:30. I open the right window from the top (which alert readers might have noted I didn't do earlier in the saga).
6:29 AM. I didn't actually see it...but Lloyd is gone. Off to fulfill his stupid little bird destiny. And ain't no way I can get back to sleep now. Let me see how many of my passwords (which I had saved in IE) I can remember to enter in Firefox. Not many.
8:00 AM. Time to get ready for work!
Posted by Michael at 09:03 AM | Comments (6)
June 20, 2005
Shorter Star Wars Script
I'll echo Blogtopus on this one. I actually really liked Episode 3, but the Abridged Script is hilarious.
Posted by Michael at 11:54 PM | Comments (0)
June 19, 2005
Tom Petty Concert Review
Short review: It was awesome. Petty's always been one of my favorite artists, but I'd never seen him live until Saturday night. And I wasn't a bit disappointed.
Longer review is up at Exploit Boston. Sooz has some terrific photos as well. I'll be doing a lot of event listings and reviews for EB; if anyone reading this is involved in, or knows about, cool happenings around town, forward them to me or straight to EB!.
Posted by Michael at 11:37 PM | Comments (0)
June 17, 2005
Hmmm
Misleading Congress is an impeachable offense. Pass it on.
Posted by Michael at 09:53 AM | Comments (0)
June 16, 2005
Bookmark Now
I just started reading Bookmark Now. It's a collection of essays on the state of writing and reading in the postmodern (or are we on post-postmodern yet?) world, edited by Kevin Smokler. I was going to read it all in order, but I had to skip ahead to read Robert Lanham's satirical love-note to the McSweeneys crowd. I have a twisted love/hate opinion on them; I can't deny that they're taking literature to a cooler place, but it feels so self-congratulatory that it bugs the hell out of me.
(Full disclosure: I have a bit of seething jealousy towards anyone who can sit down and write fiction for 15 minutes straight without getting sidetracked into playing Bubble Struggle for an hour. But that's something I have to work out for myself.)
Anyway, Kevin is coming to Harvard Book Store on July 7th to talk about the book and the future of the book (that's the book writ large, not this particular book...never mind). And Sooz has organized a dinner party afterwards with Kevin; I'll be there and encourage you all to go as well. You can RSVP here. Good conversation and Thai food...there's no downside!
Posted by Michael at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
June 13, 2005
State and Local Governments Hate America
At least, that's the impression that you'd get. A lot of cities and towns (including here in Boston) have, or are organizing, wireless broadband access citywide. Sounds great, right? The idea of a city facilitating Internet access for its citizens should be embraced by all, shouldn't it?
Not so fast. Naturally, big telecom companies hate the idea of anyone getting online anywhere without a buck changing hands in their direction, so they've mobilized. They've found a friendly in Congressman Pete Sessions, a formber SBC executive (take a guess if he's a Republican), and want to shut down any local efforts to hook local people up. The bill is named, without even a nod to the charred mangled corpse of irony, the "Preserving Innovation in Telecom Act".
There's a petition you ought to sign if you believe in local governments serving the needs of local citizens.
Posted by Michael at 08:46 PM | Comments (0)
June 10, 2005
I Got A Baton
So I finally got one of those chain-letter-meme-post-batons that zip around blogworld. I was getting a little miffed that no one's invited me yet. Thanks, Sooz!
1.) How much music on the hard drive? 1,302 files, 4.6 gigs. Though that's not really fair, because I deleted a whole bunch to make room for a game which it turns out my aged graphics card can't handle. To truly measure my nerdliness, it's worth pointing out that in preparation for the April road trip, I put my whole library on 70 CDs for the car -- what we affectionately refer to as "The Poor Man's iPod".
2.) What's the last CD you bought? (thinking...thinking...) It's been a hell of a long time. Probably the overproduced new(ish) Liz Phair one, which I don't believe I've even listened to all the way through.
3.) Song playing right now: Oh baby pleeeeeeeeeease.....give a little respeeeect...tooooooo meeeeeeeee! (Erasure)
4.) Five songs that I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me: In no particular order:
"Corduroy", Pearl Jam. Trying to pick just one Pearl Jam song is a pointless exercise, but what can you do?
I don't want to take what you can give
I would rather starve than eat your bread
I would rather run but I can't walk
Guess I'll lie alone just like before
"Tonight, Tonight", Smashing Pumpkins. Love these lyrics:
We'll crucify the insincere tonight, tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight, tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight, tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight, tonight
The impossible is possible tonight, tonight
Believe in me as i believe in you, tonight
"Where The Streets Have No Name", U2. Seeing them do this song live a few years ago....wow.
The city's a flood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled in dust
I'll show you a place
High on a desert plain
Where the streets have no name
"Fly", Moxy Fruvous. A heartbreaking song about love and loss.
And she held his hand to follow
And he held his breath, then let go
They crouched down low
Sat in the front row
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight
Let's get it just right
We'll take our last flight
You and I
"Ol '55", Tom Waits
And now the sun's coming up
I'm riding with Lady Luck
Freeway, cars and trucks
Stars beginning to fade
And I lead the parade
Just wishing I'd stayed a little longer
Oh, Lord, let me tell you that the feeling's getting stronger
And finally just for fun: "Rock Superstar", Cypress Hill. This would definitely be my walkup song if I were a baseball player.
Studio gangster, mack,
Sign the deal
Thinks he's gonna make a mil
But never will
'Til he crosses over
Still filling your head with fantasies
Come with me
Show the sacrifice it takes to make the cheese
5. Where does the baton go next? Too bad most of my slacker friends have no web presence! I'll send it on to The Bunny, Bookdwarf, and you, the reader. Have at it.
Posted by Michael at 10:52 PM | Comments (0)
June 08, 2005
Torture
Reasonable people can disagree on whether the Poor Man can actually get above the rim, but this sure looks like a slam dunk to me.
Posted by Michael at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)
More Sox Talk
This is a conversation I've had with friends, and one I've explored in some depth with my sister. And now I throw the question out there to all of you: What job coud you picture each of the current/recent Red Sox having, if there were no such thing as organized professional sports?
I'll throw a few suggestions out there:
Bronson Arroyo - indie rocker, obviously.
Mark Bellhorn - probably a bicycle courier.
Johnny Damon - hairdresser and messiah seem a little too obvious. This is a toughie.
Keith Foulke - insurance salesman.
Nomar Garciaparra - psychiatrist specializing in OCD.
Gabe Kapler - personal trainer at a local gym.
Byung-Hyun Kim - what's the opposite of a fireman? I guess arsonist.
Derek Lowe - I think my sister nailed this; assistant manager of an IHOP.
Pedro Martinez - owner of a mango-tree grove in the Dominican Republic.
Kevin Millar - bartender. Duh.
Bill Mueller - carpenter or stonemason.
David Ortiz - chef at Big Papi's Caribbean BBQ restaurant. Sans Sox uniform, I totally see him in a sauce-stained apron.
Manny Ramirez - I'm genuinely stumped.
Curt Schilling - sadly, a Republican Congressman in some state legislature.
Mike Timlin - host of a hunting/fishing show on ESPN2 (assuming there is an ESPN2 without sports)
Jason Varitek - this is a toughie. I honestly can't picture him doing anything for a living other than catching.
Tim Wakefield - my brother-in-law (again, I defer to my sister's wishes)
David Wells - possibly a bartender at a biker bar.
Again, these are some ideas. Improvements are welcome, as are suggestions for anyone I've forgotten.
Posted by Michael at 12:59 AM | Comments (5)
June 07, 2005
Marky Mark
(from Jen)
Posted by Michael at 10:44 AM | Comments (3)
June 06, 2005
I Love My Bookstore
Working at Americs'a best bookstore has given me a chance to do some incredible things and go to some incredible places. Tonight was one of them.
PEN-New England, an organization of local writers, held a fundraiser at Fenway called "Writing Baseball: Great Writers on the Greatest Game." The main event was a panel discussion with Stephen King, Roger Angell, John Updike, Doris Kearns Goodwin and Michael Lewis. They shared stories about the role of baseball in their youths, the relationship between the game and literature, and some current issues facing the sport today. All in the .406 club with the field as a beautiful backdrop.
And since our store was supposed to sell books at the event, then wasn't - a convoluted saga - my boss Frank and I got complimentary tickets to the reception beforehand. Where I got to get some autographs (Stephen King signed my oft-read tattered paperback "The Shining"), eat some fabulous food, meet owner Larry Lucchino (I think I babbled thanks for last year, but who knows) and...
You weren't allowed to actually touch it. Fair enough. If I'd ever developed a curveball, maybe someday I would have earned that right. Some more pics here.
Posted by Michael at 09:36 PM | Comments (4)
June 05, 2005
Lelands Auction House Is Abhorrent
They're auctioning off a piece of the plane that Roberto Clemente died in.
They are sick, greedy bastards. And the Clemente family is rightly preparing a lawsuit.
(from The Sports Frog)
Posted by Michael at 11:31 PM | Comments (1)
Greatest American Update
OK, the chaff has been separated. They've named the Top 25, and you can vote up to 3 times a week. I'll quickly rank the greatness of the Final 25 (my original comments still hold):
1. Thomas Jefferson
2. Martin Luther King
3. Abraham Lincoln
4. Benjamin Franklin
5. Thomas Edison
6. George Washington
7. Franklin D. Roosevelt
8. Albert Einstein
9. John F. Kennedy
10. The Wright Brothers
11. Eleanor Roosevelt
12. Rosa Parks
13. Muhammad Ali
14. Walt Disney
15. Elvis Presley
16. Neil Armstrong
17. Bob Hope
18. Bill Clinton
19. Bill Gates
20. Ronald Reagan
21. Billy Graham
22. Henry Ford
23. Oprah Winfrey
24. Lance Armstrong
25. George W. Bush
My sister pointed out something I missed: Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen weren't on the list. Considering how heavy the list was oriented toward people who were famous in the last 10 years, this is an outrage.
And remember, folks - your countrymen actually seem to think that Lance Armstrong and Oprah are greater Americans than Teddy Roosevelt and Frederick Douglass. Remember that when you start to wonder why you feel out-of-place.
Posted by Michael at 11:16 PM | Comments (1)
June 04, 2005
Liars
Remember the Newsweek article? The one that got the White House in a lather about the media's responsibility?
Well, now the Pentagon has released a report that says the kind of crap Newsweek reported on is/was going on all the time. So, naturally, the White House is saying that these are isolated incidents and downplaying it.
So let's see. When one magazine reports it, it's a lie. When the Pentagon confirms it, it's just a bunch of isolated incidents. When the whole truth trickles out, how bad is it all going to be?
It's discouraging that this week's big story was the revelation of Deep Throat, the man who (if you believe G. Gordon Liddy) risked treason charges and (if you believe any rational person instead) brought down a corrupt Presidential Administration. Are there any enterprising MSM journalists out there who are going to gamble on putting the pieces together and blowing the lid off these guys? Honestly, all you need to do is spend half an hour explaining the Downing Street Memo on TV, which has so far eluded your abilities. So much for the liberal media.
To you 51-percenters: do you still believe anything these guys say?
Posted by Michael at 07:23 PM | Comments (0)
Believe It Or Not
How can I resist this? The Discovery Channel is about to show a special that will select the Greatest American. They've whittled the millions who've lived in this country down to 100, selected by average Americans, who don't do much to dispel the stereotype of themselves as myopic clods with microscopic attention spans. Let's review and grade the hundred:
1. Muhammad Ali (1942-). Heavyweight boxing champ; lightning rod of racial controversy in the Sixties. Has risen from his controversy to become a pretty-much-universally beloved figure. B+.
2. Maya Angelou (1928-). Has written lots of poetry and autobiographical books about her experiences growing up black in America. None of which I've read or, frankly, plan to. C+.
3. Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906). Suffragette, early feminist, pictured on the dollar coin that everyone thinks is a quarter at first. I guess she belongs on the list. B+.
4. Neil Armstrong (1930-). First man to walk on the moon, if you believe that NASA didn't make the whole thing up. B.
5. Lance Armstrong (1971-). Survived cancer (bet you didn't know that) and won the Tour de France a whole bunch of times. Wins a lot of "Greatest Athlete" awards from people who vote as if they're being monitored. Decent cameo in "Dodgeball", but that's not enough to make the list. F.
6. Lucille Ball (1911-1989). America's first beloved TV star. Kept going to the club when Ricky was working. D+.
7. Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922). Invented the telephone; he'd be a shoo-in if he hadn't indirectly been culpable in telemarketing and the "Can You Hear Me Now" guy. But, hey, it's still fun to call bowling alleys and ask if they have 12-pound balls. A-.
8. Barbara Bush (1925-). Married a mediocre President and spawned a litter of crooks and liars. They couldn't have chosen, say, Abigail Adams?!? F.
9. George H.W. Bush (1924-). The 20th Century's answer to Chester A. Arthur. D-.
10. George W. Bush (1946-). The quintessential American success story. Born to a family of sharecroppers, Bush parlayed his natural savvy and unblemished military record into a string of successful business ventures. He won three World Series' as owner of the Texas Rangers, and united the country into voting him into the White House with a sweeping election victory in 2000. From there things only got better, as Bush ended terrorism, hunger and stem cell research. A+++.
Dammit. Look what happens when I leave my computer for a second. Grade: W. It suits him, and it's 17 letters below F.
11. Laura Bush (1946-). The 21st Century's answer to Lucretia Rudolph Garfield. F.
12. Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919). Not the "How To Win Friends And Influence People" guy, but a steel magnate and a major force in the charity world. I'm a little touched that Americans picked him instead of, say, Clay Aiken. B+.
13. Johnny Carson (1925-2005). Big-time talk-show host, comedian and TV presence for decades. Not quite the academic clout of Faulkner, but he'll do. B-.
14. Jimmy Carter (1924-). If you leave out those unfortunate four years as leader of the free world, has built a pretty solid reputation as a humanitarian and peacemaker. Plus, the very sight of him still pisses Republicans off. B-.
15. George Washington Carver (1864?-1943). All I remembered learning about him is that he invented peanuts, which doesn't seem quite true. But he was apparently a brilliant natural scientist and one of the first black Americans to show those white supremacist dirtbags up, so he gets a solid A.
16. Ray Charles (1930-2004). Soul singer with a long and distinguished career. He's great, don't get me wrong, but I think the bar for "Greatest American" must be set a wee bit higher. D-.
17. Cesar Chavez (1927-1993). Labor activist, farming activist, crusader for migrant workers. I'm genuinely shocked Americans remembered to put him on their list. B.
18. Hillary Rodham Clinton (1947-). Took the phrase "Stand By Your Man" to entirely new places. I think time's gonna tell where she ends up on this list 50 years from now; for now she makes half the country hate her, and the other half like her just 'cause the first half get so red-faced and worked up over her. Grade: Incomplete, but probably around a D right now.
19. Bill Clinton (1946-). Um. See Hillary. I do wonder, though, how 1993-2001 would have gone if he hadn't had to spend his entire Presidency literally dodging urine-filled balloons from Republican House Leadership. Notable for making stuffy TV anchors and George F. Will actually have to mention oral sex on the air. C+.
20. Bill Cosby (1937-). TV star, comedian and occasional social lighting-rod. May have done more with "Reading Rainbow" than anytime since. Another case where a not-as-famous painter or novelist might have been a slightly better choice. C-.
21. Tom Cruise (1962-). You have got to be freaking kidding me. F-.
22. Ellen DeGeneres (1958-). Would be ranked with any number of slightly funny comedians except for the fact that she was one of the first famous people to come out. Except for that, I'd give the nod to Paula Poundstone, who has some issues of her own. D.
23. Walt Disney (1901-1966). Issues with the omnipresence of his Empire notwithstanding, he did create some of the most beloved and lasting characters in pop-culture history...and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad kicks ass! I'd like to see him win, just to see if they defrost him to accept the award. B+.
24. Frederick Douglass (1818-1895). One of the first leaders of the genesis of the Civil Rights Movement. Inspires a vague feeling in a lot of people that they probably should know more about him. A-.
25. Amelia Earhart (1897-1937?). Aviation and feminist pioneer. Of course, it didn't end well, but we can't really hold that against her. After all, even with 60 more years of technology, we can't really guarantee your luggage won't end up in Cincinnati without you. B.
26. Clint Eastwood (1930-). Personification of the Western hero and tough guy. Has gone on to a pretty remarkable career as a director. Another good film star elevated to this list by Americans' nearsightedness. D.
27. Thomas Edison (1847-1931). I've got no argument with this guy. Interesting note from his bio: "His first patent was for a vote-recording machine -- which was deemed impractical." So he's still relevant today. Solid A+.
28. John Edwards (1953-). I hope to hear more from him in the future...but come on. It's a little early to be on this list. Grade: Incomplete, but not passing yet.
29. Albert Einstein (1879-1955). Only lived in the US for fifteen years, but I think any country would jump at the chance to claim this guy. A+.
30. Dwight Eisenhower (1890-1969). Celebrated war general and President. Can't argue with this. A.
31. Brett Favre (1969-). Methinks the ballot boxes were stuffed like cheddar into bratwurst. Greatest American? Um. No. F.
32. Henry Ford (1863-1947). I'm torn. He did revolutionize industry and was decent to his workers, but he was a raving bigot by all accounts. And since this isn't like the TIME "Man Of The Year", where you can be a bad guy and still win, the "Greatest American" shouldn't be a guy who thought the Jews were out to get him. So all in all he earns a D.
33. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790). See, this is what I'm talking about. If someone asked you out of nowhere, "Who's the Greatest American ever?", Ben's gotta be one of the first three names that pop into your head. Not Brett Favre. I mean, honestly. A+.
34. Bill Gates (1955-). Say what you want about him, but if it hadn't been him, the fine line between "blogger" and "guy cursing under his breath at the bar" would be even blurrier than it is already. B-. Unless you're reading this on a Mac, in which case D--.
35. Mel Gibson (1956-). It's occurring to me that maybe the people at the Discovery Channel are just having fun with us. F-.
36. Rudolph Giuliani (1944-). I'll let my friend YHE take this one. Whenever anyone tells him they admire the resolve and grit Rudy showed in the fall of 2001, he yells, "He was just doing his job!!!!!" Lest we forget that on September 10th, a lot of people didn't like him all that much. C-.
37. John Glenn (1921-). A true pioneer in space exploration. Such an all-around decent-seeming guy that I don't even really want to make a joke. A-.
38. Billy Graham (1918-). Without knowing too much about him (so I could be wrong), he seems like a religious leader who's managed to stay on the good side of the dividing line between inspiring a lot of people and just pissing everybody else off. So a qualified C.
39. Alexander Hamilton (1757-1804). The Founding Father best known for being on the $10 bill and getting shot in a duel. Kind of a snoot, but it's hard to say no to a Founding Father. A-.
40. Tom Hanks (1956-). If you had told me in 1985 that one of the stars of "Bosom Buddies" would be on this list in 20 years, I probably would have picked Hanks over Scolari. I can't give a current movie star a real high spot on this list, but Hanks does radiate that Jimmy Stewart vibe, and he's been in a lot of good flicks. Major loss of points for "You've Got Mail", though. C.
41. Hugh Hefner (1926-). Wins hands-down (if not pants-down) in the "American I'd Like to Have Traded Lives With" contest. But Greatest Ever? Only 74,219 women know for sure. C.
42. Katharine Hepburn (1907-2003). I'm pretty sure that an objective panel wouldn't have 65 movie stars (a rough count) as the 100 greatest Americans. But you could do a lot worse than Kate. C.
43. Bob Hope (1903-2003). Maybe I could make a case against him, but I won't. He was an icon of screens big and small for almost a century, which is a hell of a lot more than I've accomplished. B.
44. Howard Hughes (1905-1976). Anyone want to take bets on whether he'd be on this list if that movie hadn't come out last year? Anyone? Didn't think so. So if you'll all please quietly forget about him, and let me go back to searching for my copy of the will Howard wrote to me on his deathbed. D+.
45. Michael Jackson (1958-1992 (when he was replaced with the robot)). Despite all the prominent Republicans on this list, there's only one of the hundred whose face makes me twitch in horror and throw a shoe at my TV set. Well, two (GWB). F----.
46. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826). Yes, he owned slaves. It sucks and it's a stain on his legacy and there's no valid excuse for it. But Tom's my pick for #1. End of story. A+.
47. Steve Jobs (1955-). What'd I give Bill? (scrolls up) A B-. Sounds good.
48. Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973). What do you give the man who launched the civil rights laws in the '60s but also got us stuck in Vietnam? I suppose the most solid C on the list.
49. Michael Jordan (1963-). I love the NBA as much as nearly anyone alive, but a basketball player can really only get so high a grade on the "Greatest American" scale. Unless, of course, he wore green. C-.
50. Helen Keller (1880-1968). I'm sarcastic, cynical, and jaded -- but you're not gonna catch me dumping on Helen Keller, for God's sake. A-.
51. John F. Kennedy (1917-1963). Sure, there were the Bay of Pigs and the beginnings of Vietnam. But it's been 42 years since we've had a President who I wish could have served for 20 years, just to see how much he could have made of this country while he was in office. A.
52. Robert F. Kennedy (1925-1968). It's been 37 years since we've had a Presidential candidate who I wish could have served for 20 years, just to see how much he could have made of this country while he was in office. A.
53. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (1929-1994). Probably the second best First Lady ever, I suppose. Make what you will of that. B-.
54. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968). Rest assured that if MLK turns out to win the contest, you wouldn't hear a peep out of me. A+.
55. Rush Limbaugh (1951-). Rest assured that if he turns out to win the contest, you would most certainly hear a peep out of me, if your definition of "peep" includes the words "hostage situation" and "fifty U.S. Marshals". F----.
56. Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865). Thanks to Bill and Ted, I didn't even have to look up his birth year. It's a cruel twist of fate and the alphabet that Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln bracket Rush Limbaugh. In honor of this coincidence, tomorrow's lunch will be steamed clams for an appetizer, a grilled cow pie for the entree, and tiramisu for dessert. A+.
57. Charles Lindbergh (1902-1974). Since I haven't read Philip Roth's alternate-history novel where Lindy is elected President and turns the US towards fascism, I'll have to go by his actual record, which stands by itself. A-.
58. George Lucas (1944-). Has shown that in America, you can coast off one or two really good ideas for over 25 years. That's inspirational, in a weird way. D.
59. Madonna (1958-). You're joking, right? F.
60. Malcolm X (1925-1965). Sort of the bad-cop to MLK's good-cop during the Sixties. I really oughtta watch that movie soon. B.
61. Dr. Phil McGraw (1950-). When I think of the all-time Great Americans, the list goes Jefferson, Lincoln, King, and Doctor Freaking Phil. Now I know the Discovery Channel is just screwing with our heads. F----.
62. Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962). Maybe it's just me -- but it seemed to me she lived her life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set it. I would have liked to have known her, but I wasn't yet a kid. Her candle burned out long before her legend ever did. But hubba hubba. C-.
63. Michael Moore (1954-). I'll put A+, just beccause I haven't gotten any poorly spelled hate mail yet in 2005. OMG MiCHAel M00r IS teh FAT!!!!!
64. Audie Murphy (1924-1971). Since I know he won't take the #1 spot on the list, I don't begrudge him making the final hundred. A war hero and actor who I frankly don't know a hell of a lot about. >B.
65. Richard Nixon (1913-1994). If by "Great American" you mean "Conniving crook who botched Vietnam and resigned in disgrace": A. If you mean "person who makes you proud to have shared a country with him", not so much. D.
66. Barack Obama (1961-). Shhhhh. Give him time. Grade: Incomplete.
67. Jesse Owens (1913-1980). Just by being his amazingly talented self, managed to give a public metaphorical middle finger to Hitler in 1936. I'm down with that. B+.
68. Rosa Parks (1913-). Another nominee who I'm not even tempted to make a joke about. A-.
69. George Patton (1885-1945). Kicked the hell out of Nazis in Europe and Africa. And it was a good movie. A.
70. Colin Powell (1937-). The one Republican in Bush's Cabinet that we really, really, really wanted to like. I hope for his sake his WMD speech at the U.N. doesn't go down in history with Khrushchev slamming his shoe on the podium. And I hope for America's sake that he publicly and vehemently renounces his Republicanism. We'll forgive you, Colin, I swear. C-.
71. Elvis Presley (1935-). The biggest rock star ever. And he was so good to his mama. B+.
72. Ronald Reagan (1911-2004). I think my views on Ronald Reagan have been amply noted. I'll give him a B- just for being such a uniquely American character, and to keep the hate mail juuust on this side of actual death threats. Too bad the Reagan Memorial Library has already run up $600 billion in debt.
73. Christopher Reeve (1952-2004). His personal tragedy and heartfelt advocacy are remarkable. But the way he spat out "General...care to step outside?" in Superman II sealed the deal. C+.
74. Condoleezza Rice (1954-). It's 3 AM, and I can't muster up the energy I need to fill this space with how I feel about Condi. Talk amongst yourselves. D.
75. Jackie Robinson (1919-1972). Dear white people: have you noticed how many of these 100 finalists are black Americans who are considered heroes just because they were the first to stand up and do their jobs in the face of immense bigotry and hatred? If we get the chance to do this whole America thing over again, can we do it without the centuries of slavery and oppression and see how many more heroes we could have seen blossom into something even bigger? Thanks. Yours, Michael. A.
76. Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962). Probably the best First Lady ever. And thus, I suppose, the Greatest American Woman. So she gets a C. Just kidding, ladies! A-.
77. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945). Yup. A+.
78. Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919). OK. A.
79. Babe Ruth (1895-1948). Now that the Red Sox have won the World Series, I can look at this objectively without visions of Dan Shaughnessy selling another book dancing in my head. I guess being the most famous person in the country for decades must count for something. B.
80. Carl Sagan (1934-1996). Brilliant astronomer and activist. This country would do well to crank out more Carl Sagans and fewer Dr. Phils, in my humble opinion. C.
81. Jonas Salk (1914-1995). Cured polio, for God's sake. It's slightly more impressive than QBing the Packers, even if Salk never threw a touchdown in his life. B.
82. Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-). Is on this list because...well, it's because...I think...because...um. I actually don't have the slightest idea why he's on this list. He's hardly American, and hardly great. It's certainly not for "The Running Man". F-.
83. Frank Sinatra (1915-1998). Think of all the nicknames you could possible acquire in your lifetime. If you can come up with one cooler than "The Chairman of the Board", you let me know right away. B.
84. Joseph Smith (1805-1844). Somehow managed to come up with an organized religion that seemed even stranger than the existing organized religions. That's no small feat. But as soon as someone comes up with an organized religion that's not so big on banning alcohol and caffeine, and gets an entire U.S. State out of it...then we're in business. C-.
85. Steven Spielberg (1946-). Yeah, I guess. If you're going to put Hollywood types high on the list, might as well. And Steve, if you're reading this, shoot me a line; I've got a couple ideas in the hopper I'd love to work on with you. C.
86. Jimmy Stewart (1908-1997). I've gained a lot more appreciation for Jimmy since I started the AFI countdown. He's the quintessential American. B.
87. Martha Stewart (1941-). I'm trying to recreate the mathematical formula in which you can input the values "arts and crafts", "media empire" and "jail time" and get the result "Greatest American". Any eggheads out there want to nudge me in the right direction? F.
88. Nikolai Tesla (1856-1943). Made huge advances in science and electricity. Overshadowed the criminally underrated Charles Proteus Steinmetz. There never was a hair band named Steinmetz, you'll note. B-.
89. Pat Tillman (1976-2004). Not to pee on anyone's parade, but come on. You think maybe we could have thrown Andy Warhol or Ernest Hemingway in the mix? D-.
90. Harry S Truman (1884-1972). A solid President, but one that doesn't elicit a lot of fervor on either the pro- or con-side. I'm just glad it wasn't me who had to decide whether or not to nuke Japan. B+.
91. Donald Trump (1946-; hair 1983-). I can't make a comment without blowing a fuse or saying a lot of bad words. F---.
92. Harriet Tubman (1820?-1913). When it comes to Great Americans -- people who have made this country what it is -- the only thing Donald Trump and Harriet Tubman have in common is the "T" in their surname. Switch their roles in history, and he would have called it the Trumperground Railroad. You know he'd have done it. My God. He's poisoning the rest of the list!!! A.
93. Mark Twain (1835-1910). I want to invent time travel. And I want to discover the Fountain of Youth. And I want to bestow both their benefits on Twain just so he could have lived long enough that we'd get to hear what he'd say about George W. Bush. Something along the lines of, "You could lay a trap in the night and catch ten better men", would be my guess. A.
94. Sam Walton (1918-1992). I don't know how much of it was Sam, and how much of it was the machine that took over after his death. But I have seen the future, I have seen the return of the feudal system, and there's a big-ass yellow smiley face all over it. D.
95. George Washington (1732-1799). First in war, first in peace, about sixth on my list. A.
96. John Wayne (1907-1979). Rugged, sturdy, stoic ... the archetypal American male of the Forties and Fifties. Might not have gotten that rep if he'd still been named Marion Morrison. B+.
97. Oprah Winfrey (1954-). Built a media empire on a TV show and magazine that nobody I know ever has ever watched or read. Maybe that says more about me and my hipster friends than it does about Oprah. Then again, I never sprung Doctor Phil on an unwary populace, so I feel pretty good about my place in this showdown. D.
98. Tiger Woods (1975-). Never has someone combined so much talent with so little joie de vivre. Then again, maybe I'm just cranky because he's younger than me and his socks probably cost more than my salary. Then again, he's a freaking golf pro. F.
99A and 99B. Orville and Wilbur Wright (1871/1867-1948/1912). Do you think they got tired of always being put together on lists like this one? I'm tempted to give them separate grades just to be contrarian, but the only way anyone could ever tell them apart was between 1912 and 1948, when Wilbur was dead and Orville wasn't. Still, their place in history is secure if crowded. A.
100. Chuck Yeager (1923-). Secured the spot as the "fastest man alive", which may not be the reputation you'd necessarily want. But what has he done for us lately? C.
So without ranking them all, here are my top and bottom 5:
1. Thomas Jefferson, 2. Martin Luther King, 3. Abraham Lincoln, 4. Benjamin Franklin, 5. Thomas Edison.
96. Mel Gibson. 97. Donald Trump. 98. Rush Limbaugh. 99. Doctor Phil. 100. Michael Jackson.
I anxiously await the special.
Posted by Michael at 01:25 AM | Comments (7)
June 02, 2005
The Funniest Thing You'll See On The Web Today
Read the headline. Look at the photo. No comment on my part is necessary.
(From Sadly, No!)
Posted by Michael at 01:21 AM | Comments (0)
Dragged Into the Light Like Boo Radley
Welcome to all of you who've come here from all the links to my "Dangerous Books" post. And thanks to eveyone who's linked to me.
While you're poking around the site, take a look at my 100 Movies Page. You may remember when the American Film Institute released its list of the 100 Greatest Movies of the 20th Century. I'd never seen a lot of them, and always had a nagging feeling that I should. So I decided I'd spend a year watching them all, from #100 to #1. At two movies a week, I'd be able to see the movie, write a pithy review, come away with a valuable lesson, and still be able to get my Christmas shopping done.
One year turned into two years turned into...well, never mind. Any comments you can make about the glacial progress of this project have already been made, by generations who have lived and died in the interim. The fact is, it's hard to write pithy reviews. But I chug away undaunted, and in fact have reached the 2/3 mark with #34, To Kill A Mockingbird.
Posted by Michael at 12:54 AM | Comments (0)
June 01, 2005
Yes, Please
Posted by Michael at 02:44 PM | Comments (0)