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January 06, 2006
Such A Good Idea, It'll Never Ever Ever Happen
Hear this?
(inhale.....exhale.....inhale....exhale)
That's the sound of me pointedly not holding my breath about this idea, touted in Thursday's Globe, about a la carte cable TV. The idea is that we all have 14,500 channels, 14,480 of which we never watch, and we should be able to pick and choose which channels we receive and pay for.
Yeah, that'll happen. Cable companies are all about freedom of choice and saving customers money. But just in case America is unexpectedly hit by a common sense bomb, I've got to start thinking about which channels I want to keep and which ones I want to axe.
Religious channels. We liberals have successfully kicked God out of public schools and Nativity scenes out of public view; why do I need six or seven preachers preaching fire and brimstone at me while I'm trying to flip to the Nuggets/Mavs game?
TNT. Keep it. The greatest thing about America in the 21st Century is the fact that TNT somehow manages to show 37 Law & Order episodes in 24 hours.
Independent Film Channel. I honestly don't even know if I have this; if I do, it's somewhere in the 500s and my remote-control-flipping finger doesn't have that kind of stamina. I'd like it, though. It would save me from having to watch any of the movies I've sworn to watch and review.
Fox News. You might be surprised, but I'd keep it. I've never bought ipecac syrup in my life -- never needed it, thanks to Bill O'Reilly -- and I'd like to keep it that way.
MTV. I'm sorry that all I can do is make references to fictional mobsters. Really. But I'd hate for the end of my 20-year love/ hate/ love/ hate-with-the-fire-of-a-thousand-burning-suns relationship with MTV to end with me just checking off a little box on a little form. I want to take MTV out to my boat, like everything's cool. I want to confront MTV and tell it I know what it's done to me. I want MTV to blubber for its life for a few minutes, to promise me that it will never happen again, and we can go back to the way it was in the old days, with Martha Quinn and Duran Duran and cheesy game shows and the Thompson Twins. I want all this to happen, and then I want to empty my .357 Magnum into MTV's black, treasonous heart.
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