BunkoSquad

Bruce has a unique problem on the beach. While the rest of his survivors are only figuratively full of crap, Bruce's digestive system has gone into total Operation Shutdown, and his gut is in agony. I guess it kind of makes sense: Bruce seems fairly level-headed and smart, so I can imagine why his stomach is turning at the thought of spending another month on Knucklehead Beach.

Shane, showing a vast range of medical knowledge and empathy, asks Bruce, "What; ya can't poop?"

The Survivors have homework to do before the Reward Challenge! They each get a simple rag voodoo doll that they have to decorate with their clothes and hair, and some paint that's apparently lying around. I'm kind of hoping for a voodoo-doll knife-fight, but no such luck. Instead, they get the best challenge yet: a middle-school slam book carefully crafted to make all the Casayas hate each other more, as improbable as that sounds.

Each one fills out a questionnaire. Then Jeff announces that they're trying to figure out who the most popular answers were for such questions as "Who's the least helpful?", "Who's the most annoying?" and "Who thinks they're in charge of the game but really isn't?" Any time you correctly identify the most popular choice, you get to cut a rope which leads an opponent's voodoo doll closer to a fiery death.

It sounds a little complicated, but it gets fun fast. After killing off voodoo-Terry, the Casayas have to politic about whose ropes to cut, and also deal with the fallout of finding out who really likes whom. Which is bad news for Shane (who can't believe everyone thinks he thinks he's in charge but really isn't) and Courtney (who wins every other bad award). When the dust settles, Cirie cleverly guesses that she won the "Least Likely To Actually Survive in the Wilderness" superlative, and wins!

Now it gets interesting. Cirie has to pick someone to go to Exile Island (Terry's already halfway to the boat before she names him), and gets to pick two people to join her for a day of luxury, libations and laundry. First picked is Aras, because apparently she promised him something at one point. Shane stalks around like a little girl who didn't get a pony for her birthday. Cirie hems and haws, watches her teammates beg and plead, and inexplicably picks Danielle. Shane looks like a little girl who got a pony for her birthday, then watched it processed at the glue factory before she had a chance to ride it. Up, up and away in a helicopter for the three of them.

Cirie, Danielle and Aras eat well, get mud massages, and live high on the hog. The less said about them, the better, except they all agree that Courtney has a crush on Shane.

Back on the beach, Shane, Courtney and Bruce are miserable. Shane and Courtney are miserable because they realized they're not well-liked. Shane thought he and Cirie had an unbreakable bond. Courtney went from frolicking to crushing depression in about six minutes. They're both severely ticked that they weren't chosen to go to the resort. Bruce, meanwhile, is miserable because his stomach pains have intensified. He's trying to take a nap, and is literally writhing around on the ground from the pain. Having to listen to Prince Doom and the Dutchess of Despair can't be helping; he looks like the woman in Airplane! who vomits when the nun starts singing "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" to her.

Finally, enough is enough, and we get our first look at the Survivor Rescue Team. They stick an IV in Bruce, worry about appendicitis, and determine they have to get him off the island. Shane, meanwhile, has removed his pants to minimize his chafing. I don't know exactly what sins Bruce is atoning for, but having crippling gut pain in a forbidding jungle, then being carried off in a stretcher by a nude Shane, has gotta be indicative of some deep, deep circle of Hell.

The rich folk return to the beach and learn of Bruce's departure. No one's sure what his status in the game is, so they all make appropriate "We-don't-care-about-the-million-bucks-we-just-hope-Bruce-is-all-right" noises. Shane is in full spin mode, threating to kill Courtney, then making Cirie swear on her kids (which is probably less of an oath than swearing on his kid) that she's still got his back in the game. You'll remember that this is the guy who protested when he won the "Thinks He's In Charge But Really Isn't" award.

A boat on the horizon! It's Terry! And Jeff! Jeff gathers everyone round with some grim news, but he still has that Jeff Probst smirk. He tells everyone Bruce will survive - his bladder and colon were completely shut off (and so's my appetite!) - but he's out of the game. Thus no Tribal Council and no voting this week. Bruce will come back and serve on the Jury of the Damned as soon as he's out of the hospital. A detached, alienated, postmodern ending, to be sure.

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