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May 14, 2006

Suicide Rate in Boston Approaching 87%

BOSTON - After five days of steady drenching rain, and with four more days of the same in the forecast, the suicide rate in Greater Boston is approaching 87% of the population, BunkoSquad has learned.

"It seems everyone in town has come to the same conclusion," said Harvard psychologist Claude Morraieux, in a hastily-written note left next to his body. "People are convinced they will never see the sun again, and decided to leave this earth on their own terms."

The mass suicides cut across gender, racial, and socioeconomic lines. The only people immune to the phenomenon seem to be people whose well-being depends on the misery of others. Meterologists and live-feed journalists are reporting "a 110% chance of job satisfaction", and MBTA bus drivers are working double shifts for the chance to drive around with "OUT OF SERVICE" on the front of the bus, and splash any survivors waiting at bus stops.

"This is a dark time for our city," said Mayor Thomas Menino. "When the sun comes out, which they say will be about July 17th, we'll have tens of thousands of waterlogged bodies to remove. And that might cut into the plans we had to fix a pothole this summer."

Some people are hopeful for a silver lining. Will the deaths of 87% of the population mean a reduction in rents and housing rates for those who remain? "Not likely," said real estate expert Stanley Fluvanna, chuckling. "Not likely at all. Suckers."

But the tragic stories are multiplying. A resident of Somerville who wished not to be identified said that when the 6:00 news on Saturday started with a 48-hour forecast, "you could hear single gunshots up and down the street." Rumors tell of an unidentified man setting himself on fire when he walked into a sports bar to see the Yankees playing in sunshine in New York. And Englishman Rob McKenna, on a week's vacation in Boston, was brutally murdered by suspicious science fiction fans.

The Globe plans to run a 4,600 page special obituary edition once they can find enough people to typeset it.

Filed Under: Boston, Made Up Stuff | Permanent Link, Comments (3)   | Linking Blogs

Comments

Well done, right down to the HHG reference! (Found the post via Universal Hub.)

Posted by: shelley | May 14, 2006 07:52 PM

Nice. You know, when I moved to Seattle a few years ago from here, I would have laughed hard at an article like this. That was before I moved back here -- and my basement flooded this afternoon. Now I want to know where the suicide booths are.

Posted by: Tim Jarrett | May 14, 2006 07:54 PM

Speaking of potholes, did you see this?

http://www.universalhub.com/node/4294

Posted by: Sooz [TypeKey Profile Page] | May 15, 2006 01:12 PM