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August 10, 2006
MLB Releases Updated Red Sox Schedule
BOSTON - Major League Baseball has taken the unprecedented step of completely overhauling the Red Sox' late-season schedule, BunkoSquad has learned. In reaction to the team losing four straight to the hapless Devil Rays and execrable Royals, Acting Commissioner Bud Selig invoked the "best-interests-of-the-game" clause, to send the woeful Boston nine to spread cheer all around baseball.
"When you look at the faces of the kids in Tampa Bay and Kansas City, you see why I had to make the move," Selig said. "These are kids rooting their whole lives for crappy teams. They're about ready to give up on baseball, until the Red Sox come to town and make it all OK again."
The Red Sox will now stay in Kansas City for the entire weekend, before heading to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota from 8/14-16. The five-game Yankee series will be played as scheduled. The Sox will then depart on a nine-game trip to Pittsburgh, Washington and surprisingly, Papua New Guinea, where the hope is that the series will breathe some life into the fledgling New Guinean national team. The New Guinean team was established yesterday and will get a solid week of practices in, once equipment arrives from the U.S.
The Sox will return to Fenway for a homestand against Pawtucket, Kansas City, and the AlbaNineties, an Albany, N.Y., organization that meets socially to play baseball under 1890s rules (note to ticketholders: that series will be all afternoon games.)
In mid-September, the Red Sox will spend a week in New York City, playing 3 games against the Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital All-Stars, followed by 4 against the Yankees.
The rest of the schedule will consist mainly of games against New England high-school teams and nursing homes, capping it off with a highly-anticipated finals-weekend series against basketball's famed Washington Generals.
Selig defended the decision to leave the Yankee games intact. "The rivalry is as heated as ever," he said. "Plus, I got a letter from a 9-year-old boy in New Jersey - big Yankees fan - who said he's on his second hamster since 2000, and is scared that this hamster will live his entire life without seeing the Yankees win the World Series."
In other news, the Red Sox picked up Julian Tavarez' contract through 2015.
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Comments
Very clever.
Perhaps the Red Sox could have also gotten on the schedule for a double-header with The Little Sisters of the Poor (if only the BC basketball team wasn't already trying to schedule them, The Littler Sisters of the Poor, and The Poor as the first 3 games on their schedule).
Posted by: Vin | August 10, 2006 04:51 PM
ARRRRRGGGGH!!!!
When I was thinking this over this morning, I told myself "Don't forget the Little Sisters of the Poor! Don't forget the Little Sisters of the Poor!"
And I forgot the Little Sisters of the Poor.
Posted by: michael | August 10, 2006 04:57 PM
