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September 29, 2006

10 People Who Could Disappear Off the Face of Boston Without Me Batting An Eyelash

1. Cab Drivers. I'd like to think that if I did the same thing all day, every day (like, say, driving a cab), I might get slightly better at it. Yet these guys have no concept of exit-only lanes, crosswalks, or pulling over to let someone out. I'm fine with their driving like maniacs - that's part of the Cabbie Code - but the incompetence, not so much. Plus, their lobbying means the T has to keep it's we're-a-world-class-city-really 1 A.M. closing time.

2. Bike Riders. Not you, of course. I know that you don't ride on sidewalks or run red lights or swerve into pedestrians to avoid cars, and swerve in front of cars to avoid pedestrians. And then you certainly don't wrap yourself in an aura of self-righteousness and go on and on about how bikes must legally be treated the same as cars. It's not you. It's the 98% of bad apples who give the other 2% a bad name.

3. Ernie Boch Jr. His costs are less! So he can sell for less! Ernie, spend some of the savings on a spokesman whose voice and delivery doesn't make me want to stick my face in a fan. You don't want me to come on down; I promise.

4. Detail Cops. 49 states realize that civilians are perfectly capable of waving cars around holes in the ground. I'd like to think that cops join the force to stop crime, not to putter around and enforce road crews' break hours. As soon as they invent the orange barrel that can drink iced coffee and talk on the cell phone, though, this problem will work itself out.

5. Sportswriters. We have some good ones. But we have way too many who are bred with hyenas and vultures, and can't resist a pigpile. Red Sox collapse in August? You knew it all along. Patriots stumble slightly? Time to start digging Belichick a grave. The reason the rest of the country thinks Boston fans are whiny front-runners.

6. Mitt Romney. Robert Pack, a servicable NBA point guard, was traded from Dallas to the Celtics as part of a four-team deal involving Donyell Marshall and Danny Fortson on August 16, 2000. The Celtics, before the preseason began, traded Pack to Denver in the Stith/Cheaney deal on October 16. Robert Pack spent two months as a Celtic without playing a game or donning a uniform. And he's still had more of an impact on Boston than the guy who's been our governor for four years.

7. Whoever's behind turning Harvard Square into a mall. We've lost the Tasty, the Bow & Arrow, Wordsworth, several used book stores. And we've gotten cell phone stores, banks, and we're probably getting more. That being said, IHOP is coming to Harvard Square and I couldn't be happier. I never claimed not to be a slight hypocrite.

8. Weathermen. "Hurricane Pablo has left the entire island of Hispaniola underwater; tens of thousands are dead and millions are missing. Will it affect your weekend? I'll have the AccuCertainUltimaPulledOutOfMyAss Forecast at 11."

9. Whoever made the 66 Bus schedule. It should be nominated for a National Book Award in the Fiction category. Though I guess it's honest, after a fashion; they promise four buses an hour, and that's what you get. Unfortunately, they come by at :03, :04, :04 and :07 past the hour. When I lived in Arlington, I assumed the 77 bus was the worst in the system. When I lived in Central Square, I thought it was the 1. Now it's the 66. Either the T hates me, or they're remarkably consistent.

10. People Who Bitch and Moan and Don't Do Anything To Help. We're really annoying, huh?

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Comments

11. Undergrads (especially the ones who like to carry on over-loud conversations about Theory and the "Death of the Author," and the ones that rove in packs of ten, completely in line with one another, making it impossible to get past them on the sidewalk).
12. Grad students--all of them.
13. Professors (especially the ones that want to know why their book isn't in the window, then come back to check up every couple of days to see what the "status" of their request is).
14. The tall, hairy hipsters who are always showing up at concerts I go to two seconds before the headliner goes on and still think it's ok to muscle their way through the crowd until they're standing directly in front of me--apparently the best spot in the house.

Posted by: The Rev. | September 30, 2006 04:14 AM

Specifically on #5 Dan Shaughnessy.

And .. alas ... Manny Ramirez. It is time for him to take his act somewhere else.

Posted by: Vin | September 30, 2006 05:53 PM

i recently waited 60 minutes for the 66 bus. (i was hoping to stretch that wait to 66 minutes just for sheer irony). when one bus did finally arrive, there were three others right behind it. what gives, mbta?

Posted by: amy | October 2, 2006 12:53 PM

oh, to be put in the same category as Ernie Boch, Jr...

re: #2 - yeah, I run red lights. I do it all the time. Mostly on Broadway in Cambridge, and especially the two lights at either end of the block from the Garment District. I find that I can screw up less traffic by heading through those lights early.

And I only wish that I could issue the $100 tickets myself when someone is blocking and/or parked in a bike lane.

However, I hear you - and love the list!

Posted by: jon | October 2, 2006 02:19 PM

I think the #66 bus and that new Charlie Ticket system should be #1-100 of this list. The 66 bus was great -- it would come along every 10-15 minutes. Just as soon as they put those new Charlie Ticket thingies in the bus, it's been slow since you have to wait for people in front of you to figure out what a big orange arrow means on their bus pass and then you have to wait 2-3 seconds for the machine to give the pass back or to spit out a transfer.

Posted by: Sooz [TypeKey Profile Page] | October 2, 2006 02:54 PM

"As soon as they invent the orange barrel that can drink iced coffee and talk on the cell phone, though, this problem will work itself out."

Priceless!!!!

Posted by: Bigcat [TypeKey Profile Page] | October 2, 2006 08:28 PM