BunkoSquad

At Aitu, Ozzie, who I think might actually be Aquaman, is harvesting fish out of the sea like nobody's business. Which leads me to observe that this season, there's no one starving like usual. There's chickens and crabs and octopi and pounds of fish, just chillin' in easy spearing distance. If you're going to get stranded on one tropical beach this year, get stranded in the Cook Islands.

So Ozzie, who I thought was Dead Waiter Walking three weeks ago, has completely rattled Jonathan. Jon's babbling like it's Ozzie that's in the rock-solid (?) alliance and not him. Jon takes his confusion out on Cao Boi, in a spirited debate about whether or not Aitu should bring the Immunity Idol to the reward challenge. Jon says (correctly) it's kind of like rubbing it in Raro's face; Cao Boi says that the spirit of this squat little statue gives him strength or peace or something. I think Cao Boi's unravelling a little.

They don't bring the statue. Cao Boi instantly became Mr. Passive Aggressive, which says little about the Idol's healing powers. They arrive at the Reward Challenge, where Jeff is waiting in an orange-yellow hat. Just wear a cheesehead already, Jeff. Survivor: Green Bay.

Jeff springs some serious shakeup on everybody. Both tribes will have a Council and kick someone off. But the tribe that wins today's challenge gets to (a) eat lamb and drink apple cider, while (b) watching the other team's Tribal Council. Dinner and a show! Not only is food plentiful on the Cook Islands, they have a damn supper club! Where's the misery and deprivation? Next up, Survivor: Branson, Missouri! Jeff also promises another twist, which I figured meant Exile Island.

The challenge is, in a word, AWESOME. A Survivor clings to a pole, with all of his/her might, while 2 opposing Survivors try to wrench him/her free and drag him/her across the beach to a finish line. First team to drag three wins the whole banana.

This promises to be good, and it is. There's groping, there's squeezing, there's blurring of body parts, there are hands put where strangers' hands have no business going. I think Jenny might have grounds for an assault charge against Becky. Candice, grappling with Rebecca and Parvati, proves the feistiest, and Aitu takes a big lead while they drag the woozy Jenny to the line.

Now it's the guys' turn; Jon and Yul try to take Nate, while Adam and Brad go after Ozzie. I'll tell you, if this season wasn't all about promoting racial harmony, some of those Nate scenes would be a little uncomfortable to watch. Ozzie's spry, but light, and Raro makes up a little ground.

Becky and Jessica (they could qualify for the Italian tribe, with those Roman hands) start working on Christina, who's a difficult perp to subdue. There's choking (mostly by Christina), there's pants-pulling-down (maybe Christina just wanted to see where else Jessica was tattooed), and there's a lot of bad blood. Not literally. Parvati and Rebecca are still not all that physical, and Christina finally gets rolled over the finish line. Aitu wins!

Meanwhile, Cao Boi has been sitting on the sidelines, stewing. Or meditating. Or becoming one with Jeff's hat. Or something. He's not talking, at least, and we'll take that any day.

My sense of justice, since you ask, is a little exercised at the fact that Aitu has to kick someone out even though they keep winning challenges. But then I realize that I'm not emotionally involved (except for my $trong rooting intere$t in Becky), so forget it.

Put in this unjust position, Aitu starts scheming. They're a little rusty, except for Cao Boi. He kept his mouth shut during the whole challenge, so he pours his heart out to Yul. He has this plan for the non-whites (and Jessica) to split their votes among Candice and Jonathan, figuring that one of them probably has the Immunity Idol, and whichever one doesn't will go home. Cao Boi knows this because he had a lengthy dream involving dragons and credit cards(?), which he tells Yul in excrutiating detail. I think Cao Boi may be unravelling a bit.

Yul shows an amazing poker face, considering (a) Cao Boi never thinks for a second that Yul has the Idol (which he does) and (b) stabbing Cao Boi with a spear right now would probably constitute self-defense in the eyes of any jury.

At Camp Raro, they're feasting on octopus once more. And Christina, knowing her back is solidly to the wall, is wheeling and dealing, trying to get any possible ally that will help her kick out Jenny instead. She has a bit of a willing audience in Rebecca and Nate, who are worried that the merge will reunite the entire Asian-American group, who will then have numerical superiority. And here I thought the Yellow Peril conspiracy went out around 1920.

(Commercial side note: What the hell is with these Charles Schwab commercials where they make cartoons out of real people? I expect commerical cartoons to be funny. Cartoons that aren't funny (and I emphatically include anime and most graphic novels in this) leave me unfulfilled and alienated. I'm talking to you, Roy Lichtenstein. And you too, Mallard Fillmore.)

Back to the show. While Jonathan's freaked out by Ozzie, Sundra admits she's a little freaked out by Jonathan, thinking he's a little too nice to be real and he's probably playing everyone all along. Jon doesn't think he's going to be voted off, but if he does, it will mean he was "outplayed" by a "bigger conspiracy" than he thought. Yeah, Jonathan, the Freemasons' tentacles extend even to the Cook Islands. And Ozzie's just pleasantly surprised that the huge bulls-eye on his back has faded.

Tribal Council #1! Cao Boi has brought the Team Immunity Idol to the council, hoping it will confer good tidings onto his dubious "take out Whitey" plan. Jeff asks Aitu if anyone has emerged as a leader. Aitu says, yeah, Jonathan has. Jon says he's not trying to be a leader, then says "I don't patronize these people." Now to me, referring to people who are sitting next to you in the third-person is textbook patronizing, but Aitu doesn't call him on it. They vote, and it's clear that whatever alliances have been made, they all pale in comparison to the overwhelming desire not to listen to Cao Boi anymore.

Jeff brings out the halftime spread (lamb shanks, bread, napkins), and Raro trudges out to be the evening's entertainment. Jeff asks how Christina handled her slam-book session; she admits she didn't handle it well. Candice makes kissy-faces across the aisle at Adam; somewhere Billy just broke a guitar string in anger.

Jeff then springs the October surprise: Aitu gets to "kidnap" a Raro member! Someone will sit out the vote (de facto immunity), get a meal, go home with Aitu, and get to eat one of the 453 species of fish that Ozzie has in the freezer. Now, knowing what we know, the obvious choice would be Christina, since we know she's doomed, and pulling her out of the race would splinter the hell out of the rest of them.

But they don't know how foregone a conclusion Christina is, so they pick Nate. Not a bad choice; he's strong, his malaprops are good for a laugh, and he's the most likely Raro to make it to the merge, so butter him up a little now. He crosses the divide, and Raro votes. Brad suprisingly votes for Jenny. Cracks in the Asian alliance!

Raro votes out Christina, surprising exactly nobody.

Next week: Nate's making Aitu nervous! Ozzie catches a coelacanth! Someone's bumming on Exile Island!