BunkoSquad

Jon sits and takes the verbal abuse. He says, well, what if Yul had the Idol? Then we'd vote for him, and they'd bounce it to me. Law of the jungle, baby. Kill or be killed. And the nitwits say, no way Yul had the Idol. Jonathan says, he did. I saw it. And the nitwits still don't believe.

The next morning (Day 29 on the island), Sundra is cluing Parvati into some of the facts of life. Namely, that fish don't turn from cute, aquarium-ready fish into delicious, edible fish just like that. Someone has to...well, gut them. Parvati says she wants to throw up (Is this episode Parvati's cry for help?) Sundra thinks it's funny that Parvati has never gutted a fish; Jonathan sets his OutrageMeter to 11. He goes over and complains/sucks up to Aitu a little more, just in case they'd forgotten he existed in the last 15 minutes.

Reward Challenge! And it's one of those fun ones, where every Survivor is issued $500 American cash, and Jeff auctions off several items. For some reason, I had a flashback to an old Dungeons & Dragons game (weren't there some auctions of mysterious items?) and so I will attempt to tell the story of the Reward Challenge as if narrating a D&D adventure.

Jonathan bids $100 on a mystery foodstuff; it is a Hot Dog of Many Toppings, along with a glass of stout mead (well, beer). I should point out that Survivors are allowed to share money, but not food. Jonathan fails a dexterity check and fumbles some of the beer onto Parvati the Tooth Queen. She calls a party foul, which does no damage to Jon. Parvati then bids 360 gold on a piece of cake and a Bubble Bath of Infinite Comfort. She strips to her bikini, which raises her armor class, as well as Adam's...interest, and sinks into the healing waters.

The next item is a mystery envelope. Becky, with a loan from Yul, goes deep into the bidding. Jeff says that, within the envelope, there's an item of significant power. Please, be a vorpal sword, please, be a vorpal sword.

(I can't keep this D&D thing going anymore. If you want the whole episode told this way, sign up for BunkoSquadPlus. It's $9.95/month.)

No, it's a note, saying that Becky can pick somebody to go to Exile Island, and take all their money as they leave. No one on the planet is shocked that it's Candice, and Becky gains 1,200xp and promotes to 2nd-level thief (sorry). Candice storms off to the boat she knows so well. Parvati angrily loofahs her back.

The next item up for bid is the use of a soft-serve ice cream machine for a few minutes. Jon bids $400, all he has left. Ozzie bids $420. Jeff grins and says, "The magic number." OK, suddenly now we're in a Cheech & Chong movie? This episode is moving way too fast. Ozzie stumbles over to cure his munchies, and Jeff throws on "White Rabbit".

Jon wins a pizza; Sundra wins a sea cucumber (you knew there was going to be one dud prize); Jon wins some personal hygiene items. I don't know where he came up with the extra money; I hope he plucked it from Adam while Adam was leering over either Parvati or Jon's french fries. Somewhere along the line, Yul reveals to one and all that he has the Immunity Idol. Adam and Candice still don't believe him. Jeff calls the auction closed; Jon gargles us into the commercial break.

Everyone but Candice comes back to camp. Jonathan burps a cloud of pepperoni in Becky's general direction. Classy with a capital K. He stalks off and everyone starts complaining about him. Adam says he's a dirty, dirty rat. Possibly the longest coherent sentence Adam's put together in a while.

Cut to Candice, boo-hooing on Exile Island. She says she's mad that she's realized that Jon is going to last longer than she will. I think she's really sad because she's all alone and wasting valuable Adam-cuddling time. What are he and Parvati up to?

Immunity Challenge! It involves math, memory, trivia, and strength. I won't even go into detail because it was pretty boring; suffice it to say that even though it involves math and trivia, Adam wins. He's happy. Candice looks sad, and pensive.

Now begins the horsetrading. The Moronage A Trois approaches the Superfriends with what's actually a reasonable request: just kick Jonathan off. Seriously, that's all they want. They admit that they're OK with being picked off after that; they just want Jon to go first. They appeal to Yul's long-term interests by saying that they'll soon be on the Jury of the Damned, and what Yul does with Jonathan now will impact the decision in the Final Two.

While they're plotting (and the ex-Aitus all admit that they don't like Jonatham much either), Jonathan is stalking around camp like the Grim Reaper, if the Grim Reaper were not a skeletal, black-clad, ominous figure with a scythe, as usually portrayed, but rather a pudgy, shirtless Jew in a scuba mask.

Jon makes a final pitch to the Superfriends, coming back with a couple of fish and hinting that the five of them should have a meal, while Adam, Parvarti and Candice canoodle in the tent. The smell of fish wafts in their direction, and Candice storms out in a rage. She yells at them (Jonathan) for not sharing, she accuses them (Jonathan) of being inconsiderate louts, and she says she hopes they (Jonthan) are happy with their rudeness. She tries the desperate gambit of trying to get Jon to think Yul was talking smack about him. It looks like Candice is going down, so she doesn't want to leave anything in the chambers.

They get to Tribal Council, eyes blazing like a hundred suns. The Jury trots out; Nate looks not unlike Rudy from the Fat Albert gang. Candice, finding a little more firepower, lets Jon have it. She (and occasionally Adam) call him a rat, a cancer, a cancerous lab rat, a ratty lab cancer, etc. They tell Jon that nobody likes him. The Jury giggles and nods. Yul tries to make the peace. Nobody wants peace. It's pig-pile time, and everyone's got Jonathan-related grievances to air. He's the most hated person on the planet!

So Candice gets voted out. That makes sense. She gives Adam a long, wet kiss goodbye. Somewhere in America, Billy's writing a monster ballad. She waves toodle-oo and probably heads back to Exile Island, since it's hard to sleep in an unfamiliar bed. Jeff is too overwhelmed to offer any Words of Wisdom.

Next week: The Jonathan tumor spreads! Parvati cuts herself! It's not a tumor! Yul's the Godfather!