BunkoSquad

Candace and Jonathan are chatting, figuring out the best way to get back together with their pigment-deprived brethren at Raro. You know, because white people stick together. Jon yaps and yaps about when they have to sell out their teammates; Candace nods and nods (good policy) but says that she doesn't really trust him. Also a good policy.

Over at Raro, Nate's still fuming about Brad not giving his all in the last Reward Challenge. While Raro is speculating about the merge, Brad says "it's every man for himself", then grabs his (fishing) pole and wanders off. Nate says there's no I in team. True, but there's an M and an E.

Reward Challenge! Bombshell! Jeff, clad in his bright orange ballcap, says he's giving everyone ten seconds to decide if they want to "mutiny". Now, if this were an actual mutiny, the Survivors would keel-haul Jeff and institute mob rule (probably under Parvati or something dumb like that), but it's just a gussied-up way of saying they can switch tribes. You'd think Brad would be all over this, but no. Candace shoots Adam a meaningful white look, then hops to it. Jonathan, with one second left, jumps ship as well. Now there's a candidate for a keel-hauling.

Aitu is stunned. "I'm stunned" says Yul. Ozzie looks like he's about ready to break Candace's neck and bring her home to dinner. In a salute to the great city of Milwaukee, the Reward Challenge is to stuff two Survivors in a beer barrel, roll them over land and sea, grill some bratwursts, sing the "Laverne and Shirley" theme song, and then top it all off with a giant tailgate party at a Brewers game. Well, some of that's true, anyway.

The prize isn't a trip to the shores of Lake Michigan, but a bed, a feast of muffins and pastries, and some letters from home. Raro+2 gets all excited and huggy and bubbly. Aitu-2 looks grim and determined. Place your bets, gentlemen.

They roll their barrels (Candace and Jenny in Raro's barrel, Becky and Sundra for Aitu), over some tracks and through the sand. I'm getting barrelsick just watching it. Ozzie becomes Challenge-Mode-Ozzie, finding all their flags instantly. Raro drifts away (more on this in the next paragraph.) While they're floating the barrels through the water, causing (I imagine) some serious nausea, Jeff sails around in a little skiff, not unlike Jabba the Hutt surveying the feeding of the Sarlaac Pit. God, I'm a nerd.

Anyway, seeing Raro helpless at sea reminded me of something. First of all, we knew from the flashback episode that Candace and Adam already botched one fishing expedition and almost lost the boat, so among the terms I'd use to describe them, "able mariners" doesn't crack the top ten. Now for a Personal Glimpse(TM). Over the years, we took quite a few family vacations, and there was sort of a running theme that whenever my Mom and I got in a boat together, trouble ensued. Whether it was getting pulled away from shore in a paddleboat, almost swamped in a rowboat, drifting off to the St. Lawrence Seaway in a barge, or our ill-fated cruise on the Achille Lauro, it sort of became a running gag. Not that I'm saying I have sympathy for Raro, just illustrating a point of some kind.

So Aitu wins handily. Ozzie, filled with righteous fire, yells "Mutineers are the first people to die!" They group-hug, everyone in America suddenly realizes there's true good-vs-evil shaping up, Aitu sends Candace to Exile Island, Sundra sobs, Jeff sends them off to Muffinland. Excellent (and automatic) move, by the way, to exile Candace. Now she misses out on valuable bonding-time, and Raro gets the full brunt of Uninvited Jonathan, so they'll probably vote him off, if not ouiright slaughter him.

Commercial break: I'm already completely sick of these Russian-loudmouth credit card commercials. More "Alarm Clock Catastrophe" please!

Aitu arrives at brunch, loads up on muffins (I would have smuggled two back to devour in front of Jon and Candace, but I can be a vindictive prick). Sundra, ready to sing "We Are Family", says that her tight-knit Aitu tribe has made her the happiest she's ever been. Ozzie's recharged and furious. Have I mentioned I've become a huge Ozzie fan? They all look at letters and pictures from home. Yul, who may be the smartest contestant ever, says that this experience, and the bonding, and the chance to indirectly meet each other's families, has really made them more than a random tribe in a cockamamie game show; they really feel close. It gets a little dusty in the Breakfast Nook, and a few tears are shed. I'm thisclose to buying an Aitu buff, I'm so on board right now.

At Exile Island, Candace is suffering from Traitor's Remorse. She realizes that all of NewAitu hates her, she's puzzled that Jonathan jumped (he must have crazily thought they actually had an alliance), and she's sad that Jon's bonding with Raro. She really overestimates Jonathan, who's quickly bonding, but in the sense that Krazy Glue bonds to your fingers and aggravates the hell out of you and makes you regret ever being born. Thus the complete Jonathan Experience.

Jon, to his credit, realizes he's dealing from a position of stupidity. He tells Raro he's loyal (yeah, right) and doesn't want to rock the boat. Nate says that Jon will never fit in; even Brad, who commited the unforgiveable sin of being better at puzzles, at least didn't jump ship. Lucky for Brad he never mentioned mashed potatoes. Jon works like a man trying to keep his job.

Next is the Immunity Challenge, where the Survivors have to maneuver a boat and drop cannonballs onto targets. This naval warfare theme is going pretty well, huh? Raro jumps out to a lead, but Yul realizes that he can spot the targets more easily than they thought, and Aitu storms to another win. Now, I'm no chump. I know that the producers blatantly and obviously want us to be on Aitu's side, much like we all became Cleveland fans in Major League. But dammit, Aitu is just so likeable. Yul's super smart, Ozzie seems like he could actually survive on a real desert island, Sundra's super nice, and I win $400 if Becky takes the whole thing. Manipulate away, Probst; you had me at "mutiny".

So now Raro has to figure out who to boot. The girls (with Candice as the ringleader) all like the idea of kicking out Jonathan and the guys are still steamed at Brad. Nate posits that they can string Jon (whom he calls "Lord-Knows-What-He's-Thinking Knucklehead") along, because he can't go home again, whereas if Brad's still around at the merge, he'll buddy up to Aitu. Nate also says some things that make me think he's contracted Mad Octopus Disease, and I shan't reprint them here. Candace is talking smack about Jon to Adam, as if Adam needed any reason to dislike Jonathan. Adam's ready to go whale on Jon in the parking lot. Cooler heads (well, Nate) prevail, and Operation Kick Brad Out is underway, despite no evidence of the two factions ever speaking.

At Tribal Council, Jonathan, looking like it's dawned on him that he's utterly friendless, says he wouldn't be shocked if he's voted out. Nate says Jon may be trying to be a leader, and Raro is made of lone wolves who refuse to be led. Brad says he doesn't trust anyone. Hard to believe, since let's not forget that this is the tribe that kicked Stephannie off for longing for mashed potatoes. Parvati frowns, perhaps setting up a wrinkle 20 years from now.

Brad is unanimously voted off. Thanks for nothing, rainbow. Jeff slips in that Brad is now the first member of the Jury of the Damned. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Jeff's Words of Wisdom are that the game is full of surprises.

Next week: Adam and Candace snuggle! Jeff has a mystery bottle!