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January 23, 2007
BunkoSquad Guide to the Democratic Candidates
The candidates:
Barack Obama, Illinois.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator.
Pros: Handsome, charismatic and inspiring, without getting stuck in needless details like an actual platform.
Cons: As a noted Bears fan, will certainly lose Indiana. Full name (Barack Hussein Ayatollah Hitler von Bismarck tse-Tung Obama Bin Laden) might turn off some voters.
Hillary Rodham Clinton, Arkansas.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator from New York.
Pros: Name recognition. Her presence on the ticket may induce the Religious Right to self-immolate rather than go to the polls.
Cons: Might give her husband the keys to the Oval Office, where he'll undoubtedly have sex with interns. Not really actually liked by anybody.
Tom Vilsack, Iowa.
Current Occupation: Governor of Iowa.
Pros: Exudes a folksy Midwestern charm that makes people want to buy a used car or a life-insurance policy from him. Has home-state advantage in the critical Iowa caucus. Ringing endorsement from John Stewart.
Cons: Stirs as much passion in the base as a Reds-Orioles spring training game.
Wesley Clark, Arkansas.
Current Occupation: Retired four-star general and NATO Commander.
Pros: Gravitas. Speaks with authority about what the military can and can't do. Can break a man in half with one hand and mix a Tom Collins with the other.
Cons: Decorated military man, since America has proven that the last thing they want in a President is someone who's served this country honorably.
Al Gore, Tennessee.
Current Occupation: Treasurer, Nashville chapter of Greenpeace.
Pros: One of the few men alive who's won a Presidential election. Has oiled away some of the stiffness from the 2000 campaign.
Cons: Intends to conduct his campaign from a rapidly-shrinking ice floe in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, so time is of the essence. Gone all Hollywood since the success of An Inconvenient Truth.
John Kerry, Massachusetts.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator, Massachusetts.
Pros: A...um...veteran of the campaigning process. Gave the world the money quote, "Who among us does not love NASCAR?", even if he didn't say it. Has a solid 70% chance of winning Massachusetts in the general election. Hair that doesn't move.
Cons: Just don't, John. Seriously.
John Edwards, North Carolina.
Current Occupation: Star of hit TV show Winston-Salem Legal.
Pros: Personable, passionate populist. Already won one electoral vote in 2004, so only needs to shore up 269 more.
Cons: Mentions poor people in his speeches, which alienates most American voters. Trial lawyer who, according to an unverified Republican press release, is trying to sue Jesus.
Dennis Kucinich, Ohio.
Current Occupation: U.S. Congressman.
Pros: Idealistic, populist, energetic and a powerful speaker. Successful at inspiring and mobilizing the Democratic party's hard left. Gets ringing, heartfelt endorsements from C-list celebrities like Ed Begley, Jr., and Professor Irwin Corey.
Cons: There aren't a lot of electoral votes coming out of Magical Elf-Land.
Dave Letterman, Indiana.
Current Occupation: Host of popular late-night TV talk show.
Pros: Sharp wit. Blends Indiana folksiness with urbane New York sophistication. His "Top Ten Reasons Why Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Would Make a Crappy Neighbor" is considered a landmark foreign policy document.
Cons: A little too acerbic for some. Vice-President Paul Shaffer?!?
Samuel Beam, Florida.
Current Occupation: Singer-songwriter under the moniker Iron & Wine.
Pros: Gifted wordsmith and poignant public performer. Can rock, or at least soothingly touch, the vote.
Cons: Hasn't been a fully-bearded President since Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893). Collaboration with Calexico stirs fears of anti-immigrant lobby.
Harold Bloom, New York.
Current Occupation: English professor and ornery literary critic.
Pros: His relentless devotion to the Western Canon gives edgy white male swing voters one less thing to worry about. Calls shenanigans whenever Joe Biden tries to slip a Shakespeare quote into a Senate speech.
Cons: Twee egghead who won't play in Peoria.
Jed Bartlett, New Hampshire.
Current Occupation: Former U.S. President.
Pros: Brilliant, personable, caring, tough, inspirational. A polished raconteur and an able statesman. Attracts smart, capable liberals to the highest levels of government. Possibly one of the best American Presidents ever.
Cons: [bangs head on desk, sobbing] Doesn't actually exist.
Next up: The Republican candidates, or maybe the AL Central preview.
Previously: Who's the Next Pope?
Thanks to Bostonist for the cross-post!
Filed Under: Made Up Stuff, Politics | Permanent Link, Comments (4) | Linking Blogs
Comments
There aren't a lot of votes coming out of Magical Elf Land? Shit, I'm going to have to move.
Posted by: jon ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.bunkosquad.com/nav-commenters.gif)
| January 23, 2007 11:09 AM
I can't believe you've got Sam Beam in there...too funny. In a gentler world, instead of stressing over Bush's address tonight, I could look forward to being soothed to sleep by Sam's acoustic state of the union.
Posted by: Ed | January 23, 2007 06:54 PM
If only Jed Bartlett were real ...
Posted by: Vin | January 24, 2007 07:44 AM
I still wish we could have made it to Bartlett, NH when Martin Sheen was speaking there during Dean's campaign.
Looking forward to seeing what you come up with for the Republican version of this guide.
Posted by: Sooz | January 24, 2007 09:32 AM
