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January 08, 2007
Bush Set To Unveil Barn-Door-Locking Plan
WASHINGTON - President Bush is set this week to announce to the nation the results of his decision on whether or not to lock the barn door, advisers say.
Despite his many assurances over the years that "nobody's getting out of that barn", it's become increasingly clear to critics on both sides of the aisle that the barn door is actually open, and has been for some time.
The White House remains firm, however. "When the time is right, we'll lock the barn door," said spokesman Tony Snow. "It's irresponsible to claim it's too late to lock the barn door, and saying that only emboldens those who would love for us to leave the barn door open."
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) says that explanation isn't good enough for him. "If the barn door is locked, Mr. President, show us the horse. He must still be in the barn, right?" Reid is emboldened by the latest polls, which say that 73% of Americans either "believe" or "strongly believe" that the horse has already escaped the barn.
"Nothing could be further from the truth," counters Snow. "The media is so focused on one angle - whether or not the horse has escaped the barn - that they've totally neglected all the good things happening in the barn. We've put down the fieldmouse incursion in the northeast corner, for instance."
House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is also unimpressed. "We're not going to give the President 20 bucks to buy a new lock until we know for sure what he hopes to accomplish by locking the door. After all, if the horse is gone, it's probably not going to come back on its own."
Conservative bloggers are adamant that the nation should trust the President's plan, regardless of what the plan may be. "It's almost like they want the horse to escape," said John Hinderaker of Powerline. "It's typical of the American Left to complain and complain without offering any real solution." Michelle Malkin announced plans to tour the barn: "I will tell the story the mainstream media is covering up," she said outside the barn. "That horse is in that barn, safe and sound, and I'll prove it," she added, just before stepping in a pile of horse manure.
Sources close to the Administration predict that Bush's plan, tentatively called "Operation You Got A Better Idea?" will involve a $43-billion contract with Halliburton to develop a lock that no horse can open.
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