BunkoSquad

There's James/"Rocky". Everyone says he looks like Sylvester Stallone. He does, a little. He also talks like a guy who's still recovering from a 2x4 blow to the head, so it's remarkably apt. He also has a "BOSTON" tattoo on his arm, which worries me, since after Boston Rob, the Mooninite scandal and the 06-07 Celtics, our civic pride is on thin ice.

There's also "Dreamz", a cheerleading coach(?) who used to live on the streets. So living on a beach in Fiji ain't no thing to him.

We also meet Yau Man, a Yodalike Asian man who immediately starts field-stripping some coconuts. He mentions he's from Borneo; some lady asks "Oh, what's that near?" He should have answered "Switzerland", because I'd have loved to see the knowing nod in reply, but he just says it's kind of like Fiji. Let the man open the coconut!

They've all formed a nice little Jeff Probst cargo cult, so they're delighted when Jeff whizzes by in a little plane and chucks a box into the ocean. Rocky and some other lunk (possibly named "Boo") try to smash the box against a rock. I hope it's 36 days' worth of eggs. Yau Man finally gets the idea to slam the box at its corner, which reveals a scroll. No eggs.

The scroll has directions to a treasure trove of lumber, furniture (including a toilet seat) and stuff, along with plans to build a remarkably large shelter. Thanks for keeping the surprise, CBS, so we don't have any inkling that one tribe will get to build the shelter and then have to go sleep in a ditch. Nice poker face.

They build the shelter. One castaway, named Sylvia, is an architect in real life, so she takes charge. Which is good, in that the shelter gets built, but not so good, because there are few more vulnerable than a Survivor who displays competence and initiative.

Luckily, some of the Survivors are already looking at the big picture, which is more important than shelter. A Macy Gray-hairdo'ed lady named Erica starts fishing for an alliance, among people she's known for 15 minutes. A Eurolunk named Edgardo gets flummoxed when someone uses the word "askew". Naps are taken. We're underway!

They don't get the shelter done before nightfall. The roof still isn't attached, so of course it rains all night, and they all have to huddle together. Here's where Dreamz reveals an interesting strategy. Keep talking all night, while everyone's trying to get to sleep. He's just trying to get the Dreamz name out there, y'all. Branding. So Rocky gets up and the two of them start shouting about whether or not they're shouting at one another. I didn't expect an existential joust from Rocky and Dreamz this early, to be truthful.

Morning! Jeff finally does a popin, and asks them if anybody's stepped up as a leader. Yeah, Sylvia, everyone says. Jeff says, great, Sylvia, get over here and pick two teams. Don't worry so much about spelling at this point...

The Moto tribe: Cassandra, Liliana, Stacey, Lisi, Dreamz, Boo, Gary (Papa Smurf), Alex and Edgardo. The Ravu Tribe: Michelle, Erica, Rita, Jessica, Rocky, Earl, Yau Man, Anthony, and Mookie. Feel free to clip this paragraph for future reference, but please, don't take scissors to your actual monitor.

Jeff says that Sylvia, having established leader cred, gets to go lead her own tribe of sea snakes on Exile Island. But it means she gets immunity, and will join whichever tribe muffs the first challenge. She's whisked away, and Jeff says the tribes will race for Immunity...but wait! There's more! The winning tribe gets to go live in the Malibu of Fiji (where more accoutrements are even now arriving), while the losers get to start over on a new beach, with nothing but an axe and a dream. Didn't see that coming, CBS!

The challenge is to drag a chariot across the sand, picking up puzzle pieces, then building the puzzle. The two teams trade the lead for a while, but Jessica fumbles Ravu's puzzle and Moto wins. Winners jump and hug, losers hang their heads.

(Commercial Interlude: The Dennis Hopper retirement commercials annoy me, like you might have guessed. Telling Baby Boomers how they're going to redefine retirement? Yeah, like they ended corruption in Washington and war and rewrote the book on everything. Why shouldn't the Baby Boomers be playing shuffleboard? Don't they got to get themselves back to the garden by now?)

Sylvia gets the first clue to the hidden Immunity Idol, which is that it's hidden back at camp. The camp she won't be going back to. Awesome.

Ravu starts plotting against people they've known for an hour. Jessica, Erica and Rocky form an alliance that they immediately declare unbreakable and unstoppable, and announce their intentions to go after Rita for no particular reason. Earl and Yau Man correctly note that Jessica botched the challenge, and that should be reason enough to give her the boot.

The Tribal Council appears to be held at the summit of Big Thunder Mountain. Jeff asks the vague questions you'd expect him to ask of people who haven't really had a chance to work up a good hate for each other yet. A couple of them say they wouldn't be surprised to be voted out; a couple of them, including Jessica, say they would be surprised. Get ready to be surprised, Jessica.

NEXT WEEK: Dehydration! Boo cuts himself (a Boo-boo-boo?)