BunkoSquad

It's one of the best challenges in Survivor's arsenal: the Slam Book. Jeff makes everyone fill out a questionnaire regarding the loathsome and obnoxious habits of people's loathsome and obnoxious co-contestants. This is the challenge that broks Courtney two seasons ago, so let's get started. Each person who correctly guesses the consensus answers gets to smash a...well, thing, and help knock someone else out of the challenge.

First question: Who's the most trustworthy? Team Earl rallies 'round their captain, and he wins. All three Survivors who guessed right smash Stacy's thing and she's out.

Second: Who would you least like to take to dinner? Boo is the correct answer, and I can imagine Dreamz is beaming as everyone goes and smashes Boo's thing. He's out.

We then learn that Alex has a false sense of entitlement, that no one plans to hang out with Stacy after the show is over, that Dreamz smells the funkiest (Edgardo endearingly assumed it was himself), and that Stacy's the one who's most wasted this opportunity. I don't know which opportunity they mean, exactly, because if they mean the opportunity was to be a snoot about coffee, Stacy got her money's worth and more.

In the end, Cassandra guessed every answer correctly, so she gets to send someone off to Exile Island (bye, Mookie) and gets a feast on a yacht with three other Survivors. She disperses her Golden Tickets to Dreamz, Boo and Yau, figuring that Yau needs a good meal and she can make sure the other two realize the benefits of joining Team Earl. Even though Earl himself wasn't invited.

On Exile Island, Mookie fumes and steams and bitches and moans about Cassandra. Who does she think she is, punishing someone who's clearly working against her? Mookie reads over all the Idol clues, then throws them aside, pronouncing them "useless". Which is at least as ironic as anything Alanis Morissette came up with. He (half-correctly) guesses that Earl has the other Idol, and wishes there were some way to get word to the others in his Frat Pack.

On the luxury yacht (pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove), Boo is slamming margaritas. Should make him easier to butter up. Yau's salute - "proceed carefully" - is straight out of the Toastmasters' Handbook. Cassandra and Yau are doing something that falls somewhere between buttering Dreamz up and breaking him down like the POW's in The Manchurian Candidate.

When they come back, we see an interview with Dreamz, where he seems to have come to the sad realization that, although he's in good shape to become kingmaker, kingmakers never become kings. I think he thinks that, at this point, he's going to be a vital and instrumental part of either Earl or Alex winning a million bucks.

So here's how he handles that. He tells Alex that Team Earl has Alex in their sights (including making a sloppy Lord of the Rings analogy), then goes over and starts excitedly yelling something to Earl and Cassandra. When Earl tells him to slow down and enunciate, Dreamz announces that Mookie is holding Ravu's Immunity Idol. This has the effect of scraping a needle across a record (you kids may have to look that reference up) and Earl is silenced. Dreamz is either the worst spy ever, or he's lying, or both.

Now to the Reward Challenge, which involves the Survivors balancing on little tiny footholds while holding their weight up with their arms. It looks about as exciting as it sounds, and you can tell that it's killing Jeff that he can't really shout out updates.

Yau Man wins. He is a freaking Jedi knight.

Now it's time for scheming, and all hell is breaking loose. Stacy, who I thought was a reliable patsy on Team Alex, gets totally convinced by Yau to flip to Team Earl. Mookie actually parts with the Idol, figuring that Alex would be Team Earl's first target.

Then Dreamz runs over to Team Earl and tells them this. OMGWTFBBQ. He's like counter-counter-counterspying at this point. Stacy says (and my regard for Stacy shoots up from zero to an actual integer) that since Team Alex is planning to defend Alex, Team Earl should whack Edgardo instead. I had to watch this twice to make sure it was actually Stacy, and not Sun Tsu.

So Dreamz goes running back to Alex, and does not tell him about this shakeup. Oh, Dreamz is gonna be popular tomorrow! So we're heading into Tribal Council. Team Earl is planning to vote off Edgardo, though Team Alex thinks it's Alex. Team Alex is going after Cassandra to satisfy Mookie's bloodlust.

At Council, they all admit that this was the most chaotic day ever. Yau, wearing the Immunity Necklace of Shark's Teeth, says that this is the first time he's come to a vote not thinking he was going to be kicked out, which is really cute for some reason. Dreamz sayz it'z time to separate the snakes from the rats, which means that (1) he's been doing his homework, and (2) I'm not sure he's thought through the ramifications of his playing Agent Saboteur.

The votes are cast. Jeff asks if anyone wants to play the Immunity Idol; Alex steps forward and turns it in.

The votes are read, and it's never been more obvious that a staffer arranges them in the pot for maximum suspense. The first three are for Cassandra, then one for Mookie (which was cast by Dreamz, who I think either has 11 plots going at once or has absolutely no follow-through at all, and I'm not sure which it is), and then the gloves come off and five votes in a row come through for Edgardo. Ciao.

Team Alex looks appropriately stunned and saddened. Jeff announces that the Idol will be reburied and new clues will be written. Rocky, on the Jury, looks around like he's never met any of these people before. And Edgardo's torch is snuffed; looks like he'll be failing at archery up in the Statesville Prison from now on.

Edgardo's Two Minute Hate is that he gambled and lost (spoken like a true European playboy) and that he thinks Cassandra is evil. Next week: Dreamz learns about consequences! Mookie seaches Yau's stuff and finds the Idol! Jeff might get a new hat!