BunkoSquad

Treemail! Everyone gather up your personal belongings - no rewards, no flints - and fill your canteen, because you've got a ticket to Exile Island! Kind of defeats the purpose of the "Exile" bit, but what are you gonna do. Everyone seems to think that this has something to do with a merge.

At Ravu, they immediately make plans to make their 4-6 advantage into a legitimate majority. They decide that Dreamz will win over Cassandra, and Mookie will win over Michelle. I don't think the guy from Numbers can come up with an equation that will make this plan work.

They all row out to E.I. and are a little miffed that Jeff isn't there with instructions and a hat. They wander around aimlessly griping, which is totally different than what they usually do because it's on a different island. Alex wins back some major BunkoSquad points when he asks, "Is this where the cannibals come in?"

At the top of Exile Island tower (Careful! Don't slip in Lisi's tears!) they find another note, instructing them to paddle back to Moto. Mookie is psyched, since he's the only one left who has never known the singular joy of using a bed or a toilet. Well, presumably in the last three weeks only.

Moto's been robbed! They wander around aimlessly (I sense a theme) and note that the bed, the food, the china cabinet, the Wii, the jetpack, the wine cellar, and the toilet are gone. So are the tape deck and the Creedence tapes. Mookie, understandably, looks particularly crestfallen.

The good news is that they have a new flag to paint, and get to pick a new tribe name. They come up with Bula Bula, which either means "Hello" in Fijian or is a sign that Yale's dastardly Skull and Bones Club has stuck its pernicious tentacles even into ridiculous game shows.

The Survivors mull over the new dynamics, since the 10 castaways seem to be in a total of 4,542 rock-solid alliances (I counted). Stacy and Michelle are convinced that the boys will probably turn on one another before they touch the girls. If only Totally Hetero Rocky were still around to disprove that theory.

Everyone's feeling good. Mack Daddy Earl knows his ducks are in a row. Alex and Edgardo feel confident that Stacy hasn't flipped. Dreamz knowz he'z on the "outskirts" [sic] but he thinks that's a good place to be. And Boo is ready to lie in the weeds for a while, then reclaim his position of leadership. Which means he must have been Assistant Manager of a Sizzler at one point, and they're saving his old apron, because I haven't seen him in a position of leadership once since this whole clambake started.

Every alliance except Boo's Army of One seems to be pretty united in thinking that Boo's going to be first to go. Alliance #562 (Yau Man, Dreamz, Cassandra, Mookie) announce that Stacy will be next, which leads Mookie and Dreamz to conclude that the Moto-II alliance is stronger than the Ravu-II alliance (maybe they took off their shoes and realized that 6 toes are more than 4 toes) and that doesn't bode well for either of them.

Now people are going to debate this next bit for years to come. As tactical maneuvers go, it ranks somewhere between a pissed-off Crash Davis telling batters which pitch Nuke is about to throw, and Nixon authorizing the Watergate break-in. Mookie tells Dreamz about the Idol. You may recall that three people found the Idol, and Dreamz was the fourth remaining Ravu-II. Which means they never told him about it when it was just the four of them. Which means Mookie just admitted that Dreamz wasn't part of their club, they were going to vote for him next if they had to, and they're blatantly only telling him now because Mookie fears what Dreamz will do with the information that Mookie revealed to Dreamz in the previous sentence.

Then consider that Dreamz has a big mouth, is as volatile as [ed. note - look up a volatile chemical here to make us look smart], and already is suspected of having ties to one or more Moto-II's, and it's clear that Lisi sprinkled some Stupid Juice on Mookie before she left.

Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Alex and Edgardo start to wonder about this wisdom of hitching their wagon to the star of a guy who made friends with Rocky.

Immunity Challenge! Jeff, as cunning as a weasel, splits Bula Bula in two, and says that even though we're merged, there will still be a team element to this challenge. Winning team gets steaks, losers get a note read to them by Jeff. In orange: Edgardo, Yau, Earl, Cassandra and Boo. In green: Dreamz, Michelle, Stacy, Alex and Mookie. They have to paddle canoes, untangle puzzle pieces, assemble puzzle.

Yau Man rocks the untangling part, making this frail little old computer geek the most Challengeworthy Survivor since Terry, and Orange gets out to an insurmountable lead. Jeff reveals his little note, which says that the Green Team will not go back to camp, will not collect $200, but will take the Short Bus Railroad directly to Tribal Council. No scheming, no plotting, no mercy.

The Orange team eats steaks (Boo actually looks like a hell of a competent chef) and speculates about who's not going to come home. Earl, understandably, is worried about Michelle; Edgardo is worried because the whole rest of his alliance is out there somewhere. Boo shows enough self-awareness to say that he's very lucky not to be out there himself. I make a mental note to go get a steak as soon as the show ends.

It's nighttime, and the Greens are arriving at Tribal Council. Was it a five-hour walk, or were they put in Isolation Chambers, like in the lightning round on Family Feud?

***FAMILY FEUD TANGENT***
I was watching some blooper/hilarious-TV-moment show the other day, and there was a scene of (possibly Australian) Family Feud where the question was "Name a place where you would toast somebody". One of the contestants buzzed in and yelled out, "A grille!" Everyone laughed, the host cracked up, the contestant looked mortified. Finally the host composed himself, called out "Show me a grille!" and of course it was the number five answer. People. Don't know whether to love 'em, or hole up in the Idaho mountains to escape 'em.
***TANGENT ENDS***

At Tribal Council, Jeff starts poking at the wariness and the unpreparedness [ed. note - that can't be a real word] of the five people sitting before him. He finally lays it on the line: "Dreamz, tell me why people should vote off Stacy". He diplomatically answers, "'Cuz it ain't me". Damn good answer, actually. He tries to get everyone to name names, and everyone diplomatically says nice things about the others.

Then Alex.

JEFF: Alex, tell me why you might vote off [Dreamz/Stacy/Mookie]?

ALEX: I have no reason to vote off [Dreamz/Stacy/Mookie].

JEFF: Why might you vote off Michelle?

ALEX: Because she must die.

I paraphrase a bit, but I hope I accurately conveyed what a cold-blooded assassin Alex turned into there for a second. Frankly, I rewrote this section nine times just to make sure I didn't include anything that would make Alex come after me. Mookie and Dreamz gulp, seemingly having gotten the message.

So it's Michelle. Guess she'll be using her eyeglasses to start fires up in the Statesville Prison from now on.

During the commercials, I quickly tacked up some posterboards and drew charts of who's left. There are two three-person alliances (Yau/Earl/Cassandra and Alex/Stacy/Edgardo) that seem pretty solid. Dreamz and Mookie are free agents, and Boo is just biding his time waiting for Team Boo to assemble. This is going to be some kind of ride.

Next week: Dreamz and Mookie fight! Cassandra makes a mistake! The front-page story in the Bula Bula Tribune: MOOKIE HAS AN IMMUNITY IDOL!

Michelle's exit interview is very bubbly and self-affirming, then she realizes she has three days of hanging out with Rocky and Lisi coming up, and she stabs herself in the throat.