« April 2008 | Main | June 2008 »
May 31, 2008
The Natural Balance of the Universe Has Been Restored
Bring it.
Posted by Michael at 12:46 AM | Comments (2)
May 30, 2008
This Morning's Discussion
PERSON 1: Are you going to see Sex and the City this weekend?
(PERSON 2 and PERSON 3 laugh)
PERSON 3: No, I don't think so.
PERSON 1: seems like a perfect thing for a single guy to do; go sit in a room full of women...
PERSON 2: True.
PERSON 3: Yeah, but what a waste of $10. Wouldn't it be better to just be outside the theater when the movie let out?
PERSON 2: Like you're crouching in a duck blind.
PERSON 1: Right, and ask someone coming out, "How was it? Would you like to get a drink and discuss it?"
PERSON 2: Well, don't come right out with, "How was it?"; that makes you look like the guy who can't afford to go see a damn movie.
PERSON 1: That'd be even worse tomorrow. What with the matinee crowd and all.
PERSON 2: And you definitely don't want to make it look like you're just pacing around outside the theater waiting for the women to come out the door.
PERSON 3: I just thought of a major flaw in this plan.
PERSON 1 and PERSON 2: What?
PERSON 3: Even if it works, you then have to pretend you're interested in the Sex and the City movie for a little while afterwards.
FIN
(The above was loosely based on both an actual conversation in which I participated, and on some of my stream-of-consciousness about the situation. I'll be watching the Celtics tonight, at a bar, with friends, so if you see some mope lurking outside the Common Theater tonight, it ain't me. No promises on not trying to swoop on the matinee crowd tommorow. And don't bother asking why Person 3 speaks before Person 2.)
Posted by Michael at 02:48 PM | Comments (1)
May 29, 2008
Michelle Malkin Calls For Keebler Boycott After Bad Dream About Elves
After successfully bringing down the Absolut Vodka company over its plans to claim the Southwest for Mexico, and running Dunkin Donuts out of business because of Rachael Ray's scary Arab scarf, conservative columnist and Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin called for a complete boycott of the Keebler Company after a recent nightmare in which elves perpetrated a terrorist attack on American soil.
"Keebler has some explaining to do!", led a 3,400-word screed on Malkin's website against the manufacturer of cookies, crackers, and other snack foods. "Is there a fifth-and-a-half column of elves in this country, working against America? And are Keebler's hands and Vienna Fingers soaked in the blood of 9/11 victims? Nobody should eat a single Wheatable until Keebler explains themselves."
Within minutes, Malkin's post had received 143 comments declaiming the "Islamo-gnomic-fascist" qualities of the company, in one commenter's words. "Does E.L.Fudge stand for 'Everybody Loves Fudge', or 'Elfen Liberation-at-any-cost Fudge?" asked another.
According to Malkin, after a weekend binge of ice cream in Keebler waffle cones, she had a terrifying nightmare in which the company's elf mascots, having snuck over the border from the Enchanted Forest, plot a crippling attack on the nation's highway and electrical infrastructure. "It was uncommonly bad," Malkin said. "And Keebler and its parent company Kellogg's have much to answer for, since loyal Americans deserve to know if they are helping pave the way for an elf-Qaeda attack."
Malkin has also recently warned of external threats to America's security from La Choy brands, the Egyptian wing of New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the Minnesota Vikings.
Posted by Michael at 11:34 AM | Comments (0)
May 22, 2008
Summer Reruns: Hurricane Edition
Dear Media: If you keep running the same weak-ass stories every year, I'm going to keep running the same weak-ass blog posts in response every year. It's just that simple. Originally posted 4/4/2007:
[opening bombastic paragraph omitted] The annual forecasts for hurricane season from CSU and the NOAA say it will be an active hurricane season.
Well, duh. Why is this news? OF COURSE they're going to say it's an active hurricane season. Let's look at what their choices are:
| THEY PREDICT AN ACTIVE SEASON | THEY PREDICT A CALM SEASON | |
| IT IS AN ACTIVE SEASON | "We called it! We're the hurricane masters! Here are our 2009 budget demands!" |
"Well...who saw that coming? We were surprised, too. We're really sorry, Savannah." |
| IT IS A CALM SEASON | "Well, we dodged a bullet. Next year's going to be doubly crazy, though. Here are our 2009 budget suggestions." |
"You're cutting our budget?" |
See, you can't really lose if you stay in the left column, and you can't really win if you stay in the right column. So be suspicious of vague, ill-informed predictions like the hurricane forecast and anything I may say about Major League Baseball the election.
Posted by Michael at 04:11 PM | Comments (1)
May 21, 2008
Creator of Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync Sentenced to 25 Years In Prison
Not nearly enough, I say!
Oh, it's for defrauding investors, not for creating the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. I guess that sounds about right, then.
Posted by Michael at 02:52 PM | Comments (2)
May 20, 2008
Congratulations, E Line Riders
The dozens of you who wouldn't stand up this morning to let the blind lady have your seat set a record that will be hard to match.
Posted by Michael at 08:39 AM | Comments (1)
May 19, 2008
Lifelong Goals List, Updated
- Write a novel
DJ an 80s Party(done, Oct. 2001)- See a game in every major league park
- Finish my damn movie countdown
- Take Sean Connery and Patrick Stuart to IHoP and get them to order the "Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity"
- Something involving Liz Phair and/or Zooey Deschanel that isn't really something I want to discuss in public
- Go to Europe
Be there for a no-hitter(done, May 2008)
Posted by Michael at 11:32 PM | Comments (2)
It's Ice Cream Truck Time Again In Eastie
Which means I am in the market for a portable rocket launcher. I am 100% serious.
ICE CREAM TRUCK: [plays "Turkey in the Straw"]...Hello!!!!!
ME: [aims, fires] Goodbye!
Posted by Michael at 02:41 PM | Comments (4)
May 16, 2008
Another Reason To Move
Because it doesn't look like he's ever coming to the Northeast.
Posted by Michael at 11:29 AM | Comments (1)
May 15, 2008
Reminder
If your car needs a little bit of fresh oil, they're giving it away free today.
Posted by Michael at 11:06 AM | Comments (0)
May 14, 2008
A Little Clarification
The following is a followup post to this. If that clears anything up.
A couple of people here and here have questioned why "the local sports scene has nowhere to go but down" made my list of reasons to bail out of town. I love it when my teams do well - I really do! - but, unfortunately, whopping success brings with it a parade of poseurs, pink hats, bandwagoners and assorted other jerks. Case in point: Section 324 at the Garden tonight. For years, it's been the refuge of dieveryhard fans (raises hand) and kind folks and families who can't afford the lower level; tonight, with the playoffs in town, we were surrounded by the casting call for Night of A Thousand Douchebags. Not that I'd rather root for a collection of hopeless stiffs - been there (for a long time), done that. But there's something to be said for the valiant struggle. And there's definitely something to be said for actually being able to get tickets on a whim.
None of this is to be construed in any way that makes it seem like I'm thinking of leaving town merely because my favorite teams are too good. Because that's just pathetic-bordering-on-psychotic, and I might as well go listen to Dog's Eye View's "Everything Falls Apart" over and over again if that were the case. I mentioned it as part of a laundry list.
And thanks for the suggestions so far...I can tell you all that I've completely ruled out Alaska, North Dakota, New Hampshire, Mississippi and that insane asylum posing as a state. Nearly everything else is on the table. Keep 'em coming.
Posted by Michael at 11:42 PM | Comments (1)
I'll Listen To Reason
I'm having one of my occasional "maybe I should move out of Boston" spells. This spring*'s weather broke my spirit, the local sports scene has nowhere to go but down, I've looked at apartment costs in other cities which break my heart, and...I don't know...I just feel like maybe life will be a little different (read: better) somewhere else.
So convince me why I should or shouldn't go, and if I go, where I should go. I have a few cities I've been investigating; some will seem obvious to people who know me and some will come completely out of nowhere. But I ain't tellin' yet. (I'll finish Project 351 before I go, so we're looking at another year or so. One more winter. Sigh.)
*the term "this spring" refers only to the calendar period between March 21 and the present, and may or may not correspond with any actual observance of pleasant and enjoyable weather in the Greater Boston area. Though May's been pretty good.
Posted by Michael at 10:21 AM | Comments (10)
May 01, 2008
Fox News Does It Again
They thought the Lincoln-Douglas debates involved Frederick Douglass. Unbelievable.
(Seen on SGWAW.)
TAGS: US History, Fox News sucks, cretins, drooling morons, how stupid can you possibly be, God DAMN America!, Sean Hannity
Posted by Michael at 10:59 AM | Comments (4)