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May 29, 2008
Michelle Malkin Calls For Keebler Boycott After Bad Dream About Elves
After successfully bringing down the Absolut Vodka company over its plans to claim the Southwest for Mexico, and running Dunkin Donuts out of business because of Rachael Ray's scary Arab scarf, conservative columnist and Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin called for a complete boycott of the Keebler Company after a recent nightmare in which elves perpetrated a terrorist attack on American soil.
"Keebler has some explaining to do!", led a 3,400-word screed on Malkin's website against the manufacturer of cookies, crackers, and other snack foods. "Is there a fifth-and-a-half column of elves in this country, working against America? And are Keebler's hands and Vienna Fingers soaked in the blood of 9/11 victims? Nobody should eat a single Wheatable until Keebler explains themselves."
Within minutes, Malkin's post had received 143 comments declaiming the "Islamo-gnomic-fascist" qualities of the company, in one commenter's words. "Does E.L.Fudge stand for 'Everybody Loves Fudge', or 'Elfen Liberation-at-any-cost Fudge?" asked another.
According to Malkin, after a weekend binge of ice cream in Keebler waffle cones, she had a terrifying nightmare in which the company's elf mascots, having snuck over the border from the Enchanted Forest, plot a crippling attack on the nation's highway and electrical infrastructure. "It was uncommonly bad," Malkin said. "And Keebler and its parent company Kellogg's have much to answer for, since loyal Americans deserve to know if they are helping pave the way for an elf-Qaeda attack."
Malkin has also recently warned of external threats to America's security from La Choy brands, the Egyptian wing of New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the Minnesota Vikings.
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