All Entries Related to "Dick Cheney Shot A Guy"
February 11, 2007
Dick Cheney's Been to Oregon
EUGENE, Oregon (AP) -- A snorkeler who was shot in the face after he was apparently mistaken for a swimming rodent was in good condition after surgery, a hospital said Saturday.
P.S. Don't they mean a "hospital spokesman"? Or do they have talking hospitals up there in the Northwest?
Posted by Michael at 04:00 PM | Comments (0)
February 10, 2007
BunkoSquad Republican Roundup
A couple of weeks ago, we looked at the leading candidates for the Democratic 2008 nomination. The Fairness Doctrine would have compelled me to give the same time to Republicans, except Reagan vetoed it. Oh well; here are the Potential 2008 Republican Candidates:
John McCain, Arizona.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator.
Pros: Noted war hero, which could rekindle Republican interest in war heroes. Is considered a thoughtful, principled "maverick" by booking agents for Sunday talk shows.
Cons: His farm in Arizona, which pays lettuce pickers $50 an hour, is diverting funds away from the campaign. Karl Rove thinks McCain has a black daughter.
Dick Cheney, Wyoming.
Current Occupation: Puppetmaster.
Pros: Universally beloved. Affable, gracious, charming. Maybe the greatest American of the 21st Century. Please, Republican primary voters...write the man in!
Cons: "Retail politics" in Iowa and New Hampshire are difficult to conduct via satellite from the undisclosed bunker. Constitutional question of whether he's already served as President for two terms. Shot his friend, and we can't mention this enough, when he thought his friend was a bird. Karl Rove hears Cheney has a gay daughter.
Sam Brownback, Kansas.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator, Witchfinder.
Pros: Has led the charge for the Broadcast Decency Act, which aims to protect children from sex, violence, and negative mentions of Kansas Senators. Calls himself a "compassionate conservative", and we know how well that goes.
Cons: Farther to the right than Tonga on a Mercator projection. His social views might be better suited to winning an election in Idealized America in 1948, or in Spain in 1498.
Mitt Romney, Utah Massachusetts Michigan.
Current Occupation: Handsome man.
Pros: His stance on abortion, gay rights and stem cell research. Has completely cut ties with Massachusetts, to the point where lighting a Red Sox jersey on fire is a staple at his stump speeches.
Cons: His stance on abortion, gay rights and stem cell research. Belongs to the Mormon Church, which to some conservatives, belongs in the "freaky" religion category, along with Scientology, UFO worship and Judaism. Constantly cites his success at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, yet there's no record he landed even one single triple-lutz while there.
Tom Tancredo, Colorado.
Current Occupation: U.S. Congressman.
Pros: Will end unemployment, as all Americans will be put to work building a 40-foot wall along all American borders. Will end overpopulation, as no American travelling abroad will be allowed to return. So against bilingualism that he speaks only in Olde English to avoid using bastardized words like annual, chipmunk, or Colorado. Would probably throw Carlos Mencia in Gitmo.
Cons: Has already revealed plans to nuke Miami if elected. Last name ends in a vowel, which would make him suspect in his own Administration.
Rudolph Giuliani, New York.
Current Occupation: Former Mayor of N.Y.C.
Pros: Acted as President throughout September of 2001, while Washington leadership was hiding in the hamper. Turned entire neighborhoods of New York City from dingy, colorful, mysterious, unique locales into slightly-busier versions of Indianapolis.
Cons: Has openly met gay people without snarling and making the cross with his fingers, which can't help with the base. Before 9/11, was widely criticized for repeatedly burning down Manhattan museums. Yankee fan, and we know how well they're doing this century.
Jeb Bush, Florida.
Current Occupation: Presumably doing something.
Pros: Often described as the "smartest one in the Bush family", an honor akin to having your number retired by the Colorado Rockies. As Governor of Florida, countless hurricanes hit his state, but none of them completely destroyed any of his cities, if you catch my drift, Louisiana. Has issued more declarations of disaster areas and states of emergency than any other man in history.
Cons: Nobody wants hurricanes to suddenly start hitting Washington, D.C. Plus, let's face it; at this point, Americans are as likely to vote for a man named "Bush" as they are to vote for a man named
"Nahasapeemapetilon".
Condoleezza Rice, Alabama.
Current Occupation: U.S. Secretary of State.
Pros: As National Security Advisor and Secretary of State, has leaped from success to success building America's reputation abroad, according to an unverified GOP press release. Has made history as the most prominent female African-American Republican.
Cons: The most prominant female African-American Republican. Says she's not running, and try to get a write-in campaign started for someone named "Condoleezza", when most Americans have trouble spelling "lose".
Larry, Nebraska.
Current Occupation: Cable Guy.
Pros: His subtle wordplay and rapier-like jests resonate with a Middle America weary of comedians who require some kind of working knowledge of things to appreciate their elitist jokes. Will be the second U.S. President to close a State of the Union address with "Git R Done" (James K. Polk, 1848).
Cons: Might seem too uppity after eight years of Bush. Secret Service will have problems designating a Winnebago as the new "Air Force One".
Stephen Colbert, South Carolina.
Current Occupation: TV Pundit, host of The Colbert Report.
Pros: Tells it like it is to a nation misled by the liberal media, particularly in the form of Jon Stewart. First media figure to alert the public to
the troubling fact that the population of African elephants has tripled in the last six months.
Cons: Who's going to be the featured comedian at his first White House Correspondents' Association Dinner? Other than that, no cons, since I don't want an official Wag of the Finger on my permanent record.
Donald Trump, New York.
Current Occupation: Real estate tycoon, TV game show host.
Pros: Has built an empire of land and fame, despite having the personality of a nutria. Has hair that doesn't move.
Cons: Likes to name everything after himself. Are you ready for the states of Trumpsylvania, New Trumpxico and Trumpsconsin? Neither are we. Would try to fire the Supreme Court.
Beorge W. Gush, Texas.
Current Occupation: Rancher.
Pros: No records on file.
Cons: No records on file.
Posted by Michael at 08:15 PM | Comments (2)
February 22, 2006
Bush Dismisses Fox-Henhouse Security Concerns; Threatens Veto
WASHINGTON - Amid criticism from Democrats and within his own party, President Bush stood firm on his goal to transfer security at 5,000 U.S. henhouses to a international consortium of foxes. Bush threatened to veto any attempt to review or delay the decision.
"I don't know what everyone's worked up about," Bush told a handpicked crowd. "With all of the serious issues affecting our country today, I still feel totally secure putting the nation's key henhouses in the foxes' hands. They've assured me they'll do the best job, and I believe them."
Critics of the plan point out that the foxes have been known to repeatedly eat hens in the past, and that the security concerns might be better handled by a trusted German shepherd or a Doberman. But White House spokesman Scott McLellan dismissed such concerns, saying, "The foxes are on our side. They swore not to eat all the hens. Can't we talk about something else?"
The 5,000 henhouses in question are scattered around the nation, with the bulk being located in rural areas of the Midwest. This has some local residents worried. "I just don't feel like my hens are safe, even if the foxes are the President's friends," said farmer Roy Lundberg of Wisconsin. "I really wish he'd thought it through."
Some critics have noted that in September 2001, a henhouse in Lower Manhattan (Ks.) was destroyed and all the hens eaten. Several of the predators were traced to the fox consortium, but Bush made a controversial decision to ignore them, and invade a nest of badgers nearby. The War on Badgers has cost $345 billion so far.
Critics have also pointed to a history of friendly relationships between the Bush family and the foxes. "This smacks of a sweetheart deal, made to line the foxes' pockets and put American hens at risk.", said a Congressman who declined to be identified. "Why outsource henhouse security, when we have a surplus of dogs here, plus a Vice-President with an itchy trigger finger?"
But Bush says he's steadfast in his determination to ram the fox deal forward, despite it being opposed by 98 Senators, 433 Representatives, all 50 State Legislatures, 99.7% of the American public, and the hens. "The foxes are our allies in the Global War on Badgers," Bush said, "and we're going to reward them. Reward them a lot."
Poultry futures dropped 86% on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange yesterday.
Posted by Michael at 11:14 AM | Comments (1)
February 17, 2006
Putting the "Vice" in "Vice President"
Silly me - I thought it was a big deal that Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face. But after a little research, I discovered that the office of Vice President has always gone hand-in-hand with mayhem and violence. You won't read about any of this on the Internet (until now), so let me again state that a librarian and a subtle $20 bill are your best research tools. Let's hit the history books:
July 11, 1804. Aaron Burr shoots Founding Father Alexander Hamilton in New Jersey in a duel. Hamilton dies, but gets the consolation prize of the $10 bill and a commemorative rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike.
April 20, 1812. George Clinton fakes his own death, with the help of a wax dummy and a compliant Washington press corps. He goes into hiding for 150 years, then reemerges as the leader of the P--Funk All-Stars.
1835. Martin Van Buren, popularly known as "Old Kinderhook", terrorizes Baltimore in the summer of 1835 with a spate of grisly killings. He carves the initials "O.K." on the forehead of each victim. The suspicious nature of the time led people to start asking each other "Are you O.K.?"; the phrase stuck.
September 17, 1848. Polk's VP George Dallas, fed up with the slow rate of hangings in the United States, formed the first and most efficient vigilante squad in the nation. They recorded 345 executions in just over a month; Dallas was honored by having a major city in Texas named after him.
April 18, 1853. William Rufus Devane King, VP for only a month, dies in Cuba under mysterious circumstances. It is later revealed that he was trying to foment a revolution in Havana, and was one of the masterminds who eventually got Fidel Castro into power in the spring of 1855.
March 1, 1873. VP Schuyler Colfax is gunned down by Secret Service agents for taking a shot at Ulysses S. Grant; it turns out Grant placed a bottle of whiskey (empty) on his head and dared Colfax to shoot it off.
May 14, 1901. VP Theodore Roosevelt, on a camping trip in the Arizona Territory, awakens from a fever dream and mistakes his entourage for enemy soldiers from San Juan Hill. He silently dispatches 27 handlers with nothing more than a tentpole; when asked for comment, his quip "Speak softly and carry a big stick" was recorded for the ages.
August 2, 1923. Former VP Hannibal Hamlin, who served under Lincoln and died in 1891, is moved from his resting place in a Bangor, Maine, cemetery to an ancient Indian burial ground, for some reason. He instantly zombifies and starts attacking the townspeople before retreating into seclusion. Some people think that entire region of Maine is haunted, and there may be big bucks there for the storyteller who can put some of the grisly tales on paper.
March 4, 1933. On Inauguration Day, John Nance Garner (a Texan) learns how limited his Vice-Presidential duties are and attacks incoming President Franklin Roosevelt with a hatchet. Roosevelt has difficulty walking for the rest of his days.
November 22, 1963. Vice President Lyndon Johnson, from a grassy knoll in Dallas, shoots John F. Kennedy in the head. His role in the Kramer/Newman/Keith Hernandez spitting incident is still the subject of controversy.
September 4, 1973. Tired of people making rude anagrams of his name, Spiro Agnew climbs up a water tower in Virginia and starts randomly firing into the town below. This proves to be too much for even the Nixon Administration, and Agnew is forced to resign a month later.
August 7, 1974. Gerald Ford goes into the Oval Office, but this time with Luca Brasi. He puts a gun to Nixon's head and says, "Either your brains or your signature are going to be on this letter of resignation." True story. It's my government, Kay, it's not me.
December 22, 1999. Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, decides that his creation has gotten out of control and unleashes a series of computer viruses and worms that cripple the fledgling World Wide Web and plunge American back into the Stone Age.
February 11, 2006. Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face.
Posted by Michael at 10:55 AM | Comments (4)
February 12, 2006
Dick Cheney Shot A Guy
I'd hate to see it get lost in the well-deserved coverage of this month's Blizzard of the Century!!!!!, but Dick Cheney shot a guy this weekend.
Posted by Michael at 08:35 PM | Comments (0)