All Entries Related to "Made Up Stuff"

May 29, 2008

Michelle Malkin Calls For Keebler Boycott After Bad Dream About Elves

After successfully bringing down the Absolut Vodka company over its plans to claim the Southwest for Mexico, and running Dunkin Donuts out of business because of Rachael Ray's scary Arab scarf, conservative columnist and Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin called for a complete boycott of the Keebler Company after a recent nightmare in which elves perpetrated a terrorist attack on American soil.

"Keebler has some explaining to do!", led a 3,400-word screed on Malkin's website against the manufacturer of cookies, crackers, and other snack foods. "Is there a fifth-and-a-half column of elves in this country, working against America? And are Keebler's hands and Vienna Fingers soaked in the blood of 9/11 victims? Nobody should eat a single Wheatable until Keebler explains themselves."

Within minutes, Malkin's post had received 143 comments declaiming the "Islamo-gnomic-fascist" qualities of the company, in one commenter's words. "Does E.L.Fudge stand for 'Everybody Loves Fudge', or 'Elfen Liberation-at-any-cost Fudge?" asked another.

According to Malkin, after a weekend binge of ice cream in Keebler waffle cones, she had a terrifying nightmare in which the company's elf mascots, having snuck over the border from the Enchanted Forest, plot a crippling attack on the nation's highway and electrical infrastructure. "It was uncommonly bad," Malkin said. "And Keebler and its parent company Kellogg's have much to answer for, since loyal Americans deserve to know if they are helping pave the way for an elf-Qaeda attack."

Malkin has also recently warned of external threats to America's security from La Choy brands, the Egyptian wing of New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the Minnesota Vikings.

Posted by Michael at 11:34 AM | Comments (0)

April 09, 2007

Milwaukee Set To Reprise Its Greatest Film Role

Nearly twenty years after its groundbreaking portrayal of the city of Cleveland in Major League, the city of Milwaukee is set to play the role again for this week's Angels-Indian series.

With Cleveland buried under 14 feet of snow, apparently, the entire Tribe-Seattle series was cancelled, and rather than have the California/Los Angeles Angelic Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California spend their entire week twiddling their thumbs in Ohio, the teams decided to give Milwaukee another moment on the silver screen.

A spokesman for the city of Milwaukee says that even though County Stadium (which doubled as Cleveland's Municipal Stadium in Major League) is long gone, the city is ready to pretend to be Cleveland again. "The moment when 20,000 Milwaukeeans pretended to be Clevelanders and screamed for Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughan is probably the greatest thing that's happened to Milwaukee sports in twenty years," he said. We look forward to pretending to cheer for this new batch of Indians as well."

"Is Cerrano still on the team?" he added.

The city of Baltimore, which portrayed Cleveland in Major League II to terrible reviews, was said to be "hurt" by the decision.

Posted by Michael at 01:47 PM | Comments (3)

March 16, 2007

Al-Qaeda #3 Admits to Betting on Reds Games

sheikh.JPGWASHINGTON - The FBI released a surprising addendum to the 535-page confession of Khalid Sheik Mohammed today, with the Al-Qaeda leader and alleged 9/11 mastermind claiming that he gambled on every Cincinnati Reds game in the mid- to late-1980s.

"I always bet on the Reds", Mohammed said in his transcribed confession. "Whether a pennant-race in 1988 or an April game against the Expos, I wagered on them 162 times a year."

The gambling confession was lost amid the revelations that Mohammed may have been involved in the 9/11 attacks, the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the bombings in London, Spain and Madrid, the killing of reporter Daniel Pearl, the disappearance of Oceanic Flight 815, the Lufthansa heist, the 1950s spread of communism through Eastern Europe, the 1918 Spanish Influenza, the defeat at the Alamo and the levees in New Orleans failing during Hurricane Katrina.

When FBI interregators tried to elicit some remorse from the sheik, he said there were some decisions he regretted.

"In 1986, I masteminded a defensive replacement in the late innings. Ron Oester made a critical error at second, and the Braves scored 2 unearned runs to win. Also, my willing lackeys in the dugout left Mario Soto hanging out to dry in a game in San Diego; he left with a 7-1 deficit. The Reds wound up losing 9-8. Maybe if we'd gone to Ted Power earlier, we win that game."

Cincinnati authorities are said to be very interested in the Sheik's revelations, as they're looking to clear up the unsolved case of the 1989 murder of Kal Daniels' potential.

Posted by Michael at 12:11 AM | Comments (1)

February 14, 2007

Arrests Made in Panic-Causing Hoax

BOSTON - Boston police and officials say they have made a number of arrests related to the hoax that snarled traffic, closed schools and caused regionwide panic.

Those arrested have been identified as Harvey Leonard of NewsCenter 5, Ken Barlow of WBZ-4, Fox 25's Kevin Lemanowicz, and Pete Bouchard of 7 News. They will be charged with providing misleading information and causing panic in the public with their forecasts of an epic blizzard.

"Their actions were irresponsible and harmful," said Attorney General Martha Coakley. "Calls have come into police and emergency units all over Boston. People were concerned, people stayed home from school, and we have an inch of slush."

Grocery stores reported that in the panic, every loaf of bread, container of milk, and stick of butter flew off the shelves. Hardware stores were also feeling the heat.

"Every year, as soon as there's snow in the forecast, everyone comes in and buys a shovel and an ice scraper," said Gerry Heroux, manager of Heroux's Hardware in Fitchburg. "I wish to hell I knew how they managed last winter. Maybe they throw out their shovels every spring."

Traffic was at a standstill all over the area, as people left for work or the slopes at the crack of dawn. 54,356 SUVs have driven off the road as of press time.

A spokesman for the National Weather Bureau defends the suspects, and says they never should have been arrested. "It was a harmless stunt," said press secretary Lance Marcheson. "They were hired to warn people of a potential winter event, and they got a little carried away. With the lack of snow all winter, the February sweeps, and the nation's attention fixed on the death of Princess Anna Nicole, it's understandable. Certainly not illegal."

City officials praised the quick police work that got these meteorologists in custody.

"It wasn't that hard to find the perpetrators," said Mayor Thomas Menino through an interpreter. "We knew where most of them were, since they were on live TV. They weren't expecting us to catch them so quickly. Most of them were apprehended right in front of their green screens."

"They'll pay for the damage they've caused the city. They'll pay."

Dunkin' Donuts stock rose $34 yesterday on the news that every snowplow driver in New England would be mobilized.

Posted by Michael at 09:24 AM | Comments (3)

February 10, 2007

BunkoSquad Republican Roundup

A couple of weeks ago, we looked at the leading candidates for the Democratic 2008 nomination. The Fairness Doctrine would have compelled me to give the same time to Republicans, except Reagan vetoed it. Oh well; here are the Potential 2008 Republican Candidates:

name.JPGJohn McCain, Arizona.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator.
Pros: Noted war hero, which could rekindle Republican interest in war heroes. Is considered a thoughtful, principled "maverick" by booking agents for Sunday talk shows.
Cons: His farm in Arizona, which pays lettuce pickers $50 an hour, is diverting funds away from the campaign. Karl Rove thinks McCain has a black daughter.

name.JPGDick Cheney, Wyoming.
Current Occupation: Puppetmaster.
Pros: Universally beloved. Affable, gracious, charming. Maybe the greatest American of the 21st Century. Please, Republican primary voters...write the man in!
Cons: "Retail politics" in Iowa and New Hampshire are difficult to conduct via satellite from the undisclosed bunker. Constitutional question of whether he's already served as President for two terms. Shot his friend, and we can't mention this enough, when he thought his friend was a bird. Karl Rove hears Cheney has a gay daughter.

name.JPGSam Brownback, Kansas.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator, Witchfinder.
Pros: Has led the charge for the Broadcast Decency Act, which aims to protect children from sex, violence, and negative mentions of Kansas Senators. Calls himself a "compassionate conservative", and we know how well that goes.
Cons: Farther to the right than Tonga on a Mercator projection. His social views might be better suited to winning an election in Idealized America in 1948, or in Spain in 1498.

name.JPGMitt Romney, Utah Massachusetts Michigan.
Current Occupation: Handsome man.
Pros: His stance on abortion, gay rights and stem cell research. Has completely cut ties with Massachusetts, to the point where lighting a Red Sox jersey on fire is a staple at his stump speeches.
Cons: His stance on abortion, gay rights and stem cell research. Belongs to the Mormon Church, which to some conservatives, belongs in the "freaky" religion category, along with Scientology, UFO worship and Judaism. Constantly cites his success at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, yet there's no record he landed even one single triple-lutz while there.

name.JPGTom Tancredo, Colorado.
Current Occupation: U.S. Congressman.
Pros: Will end unemployment, as all Americans will be put to work building a 40-foot wall along all American borders. Will end overpopulation, as no American travelling abroad will be allowed to return. So against bilingualism that he speaks only in Olde English to avoid using bastardized words like annual, chipmunk, or Colorado. Would probably throw Carlos Mencia in Gitmo.
Cons: Has already revealed plans to nuke Miami if elected. Last name ends in a vowel, which would make him suspect in his own Administration.

name.JPGRudolph Giuliani, New York.
Current Occupation: Former Mayor of N.Y.C.
Pros: Acted as President throughout September of 2001, while Washington leadership was hiding in the hamper. Turned entire neighborhoods of New York City from dingy, colorful, mysterious, unique locales into slightly-busier versions of Indianapolis.
Cons: Has openly met gay people without snarling and making the cross with his fingers, which can't help with the base. Before 9/11, was widely criticized for repeatedly burning down Manhattan museums. Yankee fan, and we know how well they're doing this century.

name.JPGJeb Bush, Florida.
Current Occupation: Presumably doing something.
Pros: Often described as the "smartest one in the Bush family", an honor akin to having your number retired by the Colorado Rockies. As Governor of Florida, countless hurricanes hit his state, but none of them completely destroyed any of his cities, if you catch my drift, Louisiana. Has issued more declarations of disaster areas and states of emergency than any other man in history.
Cons: Nobody wants hurricanes to suddenly start hitting Washington, D.C. Plus, let's face it; at this point, Americans are as likely to vote for a man named "Bush" as they are to vote for a man named "Nahasapeemapetilon".

name.JPGCondoleezza Rice, Alabama.
Current Occupation: U.S. Secretary of State.
Pros: As National Security Advisor and Secretary of State, has leaped from success to success building America's reputation abroad, according to an unverified GOP press release. Has made history as the most prominent female African-American Republican.
Cons: The most prominant female African-American Republican. Says she's not running, and try to get a write-in campaign started for someone named "Condoleezza", when most Americans have trouble spelling "lose".

name.JPGLarry, Nebraska.
Current Occupation: Cable Guy.
Pros: His subtle wordplay and rapier-like jests resonate with a Middle America weary of comedians who require some kind of working knowledge of things to appreciate their elitist jokes. Will be the second U.S. President to close a State of the Union address with "Git R Done" (James K. Polk, 1848).
Cons: Might seem too uppity after eight years of Bush. Secret Service will have problems designating a Winnebago as the new "Air Force One".

name.JPGStephen Colbert, South Carolina.
Current Occupation: TV Pundit, host of The Colbert Report.
Pros: Tells it like it is to a nation misled by the liberal media, particularly in the form of Jon Stewart. First media figure to alert the public to the troubling fact that the population of African elephants has tripled in the last six months.
Cons: Who's going to be the featured comedian at his first White House Correspondents' Association Dinner? Other than that, no cons, since I don't want an official Wag of the Finger on my permanent record.

name.JPGDonald Trump, New York.
Current Occupation: Real estate tycoon, TV game show host.
Pros: Has built an empire of land and fame, despite having the personality of a nutria. Has hair that doesn't move.
Cons: Likes to name everything after himself. Are you ready for the states of Trumpsylvania, New Trumpxico and Trumpsconsin? Neither are we. Would try to fire the Supreme Court.

name.JPGBeorge W. Gush, Texas.
Current Occupation: Rancher.
Pros: No records on file.
Cons: No records on file.



Posted by Michael at 08:15 PM | Comments (2)

January 31, 2007

My Fan Fiction Salute to Today's Events

INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

(Frylock is reading the newspaper with a look of alarm on his face)
FRYLOCK: Those crazy Mooninites have struck again!
MEATWAD: Damn, this gonna mean trouble for me.
(Frylock waves the newspaper)
FRYLOCK: They've shut down the entire city of Boston. Traffic's at a standstill, the National Guard has been called out...they've even nuked Revere as a precautionary measure!
MASTER SHAKE (doesn't look up from TV): Does this affect me? No. Do I care? No. Am I going to spend ONE second thinking about it after I finish this sentence?
FRYLOCK: We have to stop them!
MASTER SHAKE: Stop who?

EXT - SOUTHEAST EXPRESSWAY - DAY

(The Aqua Teens are in the car, stuck in traffic. Carl is driving)
FRYLOCK: Dammit! I never should have let you talk me into stopping at Foxwoods.
MASTER SHAKE: What can I say? Sometimes the feeling comes over me, baby! Trust the feeling!
CARL: What, there, the feeling to split threes when the dealer's got a king showing? 'Cuz that there's the kinda feeling you want to...y'know...ignore...
FRYLOCK: And now we're stuck in traffic.
MEATWAD: Maybe we should have taken Boston's efficient public transit system.
(silence)
MEATWAD: I hear they got a Silver Line now. With a classy name like that, it gots to be good.

EXT - LONGFELLOW BRIDGE - EVENING

(Traffic is in complete gridlock. Horns honking, some people have abandoned cars. Ignignokt and Err are dancing on the northbound lanes)
IGNIGNOKT: Do you see what we've done, Err? Just by showing our faces, we have shut this major metropolitan area into an absolute standtill.
ERR: Major metropolitan area my ass! YEAH!
IGNIGNOKT: We have conquered Foreigner, we have disintegrated Loverboy, and now our sights are set on Boston. Take that, holdouts of 70s album-oriented rock!
ERR: I got More Than A Feeling that you're goin' down bizzitch!
FRYLOCK (offscreen): Not so fast!
(The Aqua Teens come into the picture. Shake has a big Red Sox #1 foam finger and Meatwad is eating a pizza)
MEATWAD: We'd'a been here sooner but we saw one o'them Duck Tour boats. I thought our number was up when he drove into the river, but DAMN if that thing didn't float somehow.
FRYLOCK: You can't stay here. The people of this city deserve a calm and orderly commute.
IGNIGNOKT: Would you say they deserve...Peace of Mind?
FRYLOCK: Well, yeah, I --
(A huge flash of light. Suddenly there's shouting and commotion from all sides)
IGNIGNOKT: Well, there you have it. People living in competition.
FRYLOCK: You don't get another warning.
(Frylock shoots a laser beam, which Ignignokt dodges. An explosion is heard offscreen)
ERR: Way to go LOSER! You just made the Big Dig tunnel collapse!
FRYLOCK (puzzled): But I didn't even shoot in that direction.
SHAKE: Look, can we wrap this up? And soon? I'd like to go over to Hah-vahd, and **** up some smaht kids.
MEATWAD: I want to stay! I met some lady who works for Mayor Menino and she says maybe what I could give Mayor Menino some speak lessons.
FRYLOCK: No! This ends now!
IGNIGNOKT: It matter not. We're off to dance in the streets of Hyannis. Everybody's waiting. Gettin' ready. Anticipating.
ERR: But Boston ain't gonna forget us soon!
IGNIGNOKT: Yes, we won't soon be forgotten.
ERR: So long baby!
(Ignignokt and Err vanish off screen)
FRYLOCK: Oh, man, it's going to take weeks for everyone to get home now.
MEATWAD: Because of those mean moon men? I hate them.
FRYLOCK: No. Because it's Friday rush hour.

FIN

Posted by Michael at 07:36 PM | Comments (5)

January 23, 2007

BunkoSquad Guide to the Democratic Candidates

The candidates:

obama.JPGBarack Obama, Illinois.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator.
Pros: Handsome, charismatic and inspiring, without getting stuck in needless details like an actual platform.
Cons: As a noted Bears fan, will certainly lose Indiana. Full name (Barack Hussein Ayatollah Hitler von Bismarck tse-Tung Obama Bin Laden) might turn off some voters.

clinton.JPGHillary Rodham Clinton, Arkansas.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator from New York.
Pros: Name recognition. Her presence on the ticket may induce the Religious Right to self-immolate rather than go to the polls.
Cons: Might give her husband the keys to the Oval Office, where he'll undoubtedly have sex with interns. Not really actually liked by anybody.

vilsack.JPGTom Vilsack, Iowa.
Current Occupation: Governor of Iowa.
Pros: Exudes a folksy Midwestern charm that makes people want to buy a used car or a life-insurance policy from him. Has home-state advantage in the critical Iowa caucus. Ringing endorsement from John Stewart.
Cons: Stirs as much passion in the base as a Reds-Orioles spring training game.

clark.JPGWesley Clark, Arkansas.
Current Occupation: Retired four-star general and NATO Commander.
Pros: Gravitas. Speaks with authority about what the military can and can't do. Can break a man in half with one hand and mix a Tom Collins with the other.
Cons: Decorated military man, since America has proven that the last thing they want in a President is someone who's served this country honorably.

gore.JPGAl Gore, Tennessee.
Current Occupation: Treasurer, Nashville chapter of Greenpeace.
Pros: One of the few men alive who's won a Presidential election. Has oiled away some of the stiffness from the 2000 campaign.
Cons: Intends to conduct his campaign from a rapidly-shrinking ice floe in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, so time is of the essence. Gone all Hollywood since the success of An Inconvenient Truth.

bartlett.JPGJohn Kerry, Massachusetts.
Current Occupation: U.S. Senator, Massachusetts.
Pros: A...um...veteran of the campaigning process. Gave the world the money quote, "Who among us does not love NASCAR?", even if he didn't say it. Has a solid 70% chance of winning Massachusetts in the general election. Hair that doesn't move.
Cons: Just don't, John. Seriously.

bartlett.JPGJohn Edwards, North Carolina.
Current Occupation: Star of hit TV show Winston-Salem Legal.
Pros: Personable, passionate populist. Already won one electoral vote in 2004, so only needs to shore up 269 more.
Cons: Mentions poor people in his speeches, which alienates most American voters. Trial lawyer who, according to an unverified Republican press release, is trying to sue Jesus.

bartlett.JPGDennis Kucinich, Ohio.
Current Occupation: U.S. Congressman.
Pros: Idealistic, populist, energetic and a powerful speaker. Successful at inspiring and mobilizing the Democratic party's hard left. Gets ringing, heartfelt endorsements from C-list celebrities like Ed Begley, Jr., and Professor Irwin Corey.
Cons: There aren't a lot of electoral votes coming out of Magical Elf-Land.

bartlett.JPGDave Letterman, Indiana.
Current Occupation: Host of popular late-night TV talk show.
Pros: Sharp wit. Blends Indiana folksiness with urbane New York sophistication. His "Top Ten Reasons Why Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Would Make a Crappy Neighbor" is considered a landmark foreign policy document.
Cons: A little too acerbic for some. Vice-President Paul Shaffer?!?

bartlett.JPGSamuel Beam, Florida.
Current Occupation: Singer-songwriter under the moniker Iron & Wine.
Pros: Gifted wordsmith and poignant public performer. Can rock, or at least soothingly touch, the vote.
Cons: Hasn't been a fully-bearded President since Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893). Collaboration with Calexico stirs fears of anti-immigrant lobby.

bartlett.JPGHarold Bloom, New York.
Current Occupation: English professor and ornery literary critic.
Pros: His relentless devotion to the Western Canon gives edgy white male swing voters one less thing to worry about. Calls shenanigans whenever Joe Biden tries to slip a Shakespeare quote into a Senate speech.
Cons: Twee egghead who won't play in Peoria.

bartlett.JPG Jed Bartlett, New Hampshire.
Current Occupation: Former U.S. President.
Pros: Brilliant, personable, caring, tough, inspirational. A polished raconteur and an able statesman. Attracts smart, capable liberals to the highest levels of government. Possibly one of the best American Presidents ever.
Cons: [bangs head on desk, sobbing] Doesn't actually exist.

Next up: The Republican candidates, or maybe the AL Central preview.

Previously: Who's the Next Pope?

Thanks to Bostonist for the cross-post!

Posted by Michael at 08:19 AM | Comments (4)

January 16, 2007

LaDainian Tomlinson on Sportsmanship

While some have dismissed Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson's critical comments about the Patriots' postgame celebrations as mere sour grapes, BunkoSquad research teams have learned that Tomlinson has actually taken a consistent stance over the years against what he terms "excessive celebration". Some of his previous statements:

April 9, 2003. On the toppling of the Saddam Hussein statue in central Baghdad: ""When you're a world superpower, I just wouldn't think you would need to act that way. But obviously that's the way they reacted to it and there's nothing we can do about it."

January 21, 1981: On the release of Americans held hostage in Iran: "It's been building, a little bit up to this point, the whole disrespect thing. It's not just something that happened yesterday. It's been building a little while."

July 20, 1969: On Neil Armstong being the first man to walk on the moon: "From my standpoint, Marty [Schottenheimer] always tells us to act like we've been there before. That's something that your coach always tells you. To me, if guys are acting like that, then it comes from top to bottom, in my opinion."

August 15, 1945: On V-J Day: "We're out competing, and what message do you want to send our kids? Is that the way you react after a win? In my opinion, that's not the way you react."

April 14, 1865. On the assassination of President Lincoln: "I wasn't going to go over and do anything crazy. I was just going to tell the guy, 'Don't disrespect us in our theatre, you guys won the war, congratulations.' I think the Union guys kind of blew it up a little bit more by holding me back like I was going to attack the guy or something."

August 24, 410. On Alaric I leading the Visigoths into Rome: "I don't know how that would go over, but obviously I probably wouldn't say two words to him. I definitely wouldn't. In the heat of the moment and competitive nature, sometimes you say things."

Posted by Michael at 09:06 AM | Comments (5)

January 08, 2007

Bush Set To Unveil Barn-Door-Locking Plan

WASHINGTON - President Bush is set this week to announce to the nation the results of his decision on whether or not to lock the barn door, advisers say.

Despite his many assurances over the years that "nobody's getting out of that barn", it's become increasingly clear to critics on both sides of the aisle that the barn door is actually open, and has been for some time.

The White House remains firm, however. "When the time is right, we'll lock the barn door," said spokesman Tony Snow. "It's irresponsible to claim it's too late to lock the barn door, and saying that only emboldens those who would love for us to leave the barn door open."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) says that explanation isn't good enough for him. "If the barn door is locked, Mr. President, show us the horse. He must still be in the barn, right?" Reid is emboldened by the latest polls, which say that 73% of Americans either "believe" or "strongly believe" that the horse has already escaped the barn.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," counters Snow. "The media is so focused on one angle - whether or not the horse has escaped the barn - that they've totally neglected all the good things happening in the barn. We've put down the fieldmouse incursion in the northeast corner, for instance."

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is also unimpressed. "We're not going to give the President 20 bucks to buy a new lock until we know for sure what he hopes to accomplish by locking the door. After all, if the horse is gone, it's probably not going to come back on its own."

Conservative bloggers are adamant that the nation should trust the President's plan, regardless of what the plan may be. "It's almost like they want the horse to escape," said John Hinderaker of Powerline. "It's typical of the American Left to complain and complain without offering any real solution." Michelle Malkin announced plans to tour the barn: "I will tell the story the mainstream media is covering up," she said outside the barn. "That horse is in that barn, safe and sound, and I'll prove it," she added, just before stepping in a pile of horse manure.

Sources close to the Administration predict that Bush's plan, tentatively called "Operation You Got A Better Idea?" will involve a $43-billion contract with Halliburton to develop a lock that no horse can open.

Posted by Michael at 08:59 AM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2006

Fox to Expand O.J. Special Into Prime-Time Series

NEW YORK - With America buzzing about the upcoming "I Didn't Kill My Wife, But If I Did, Here's How I Did It" special featuring acquitted murderer O.J. Simpson, Fox is seizing the attention, announcing that it would turn the concept into a full-time series.

"There's so much room here," said producer Mike Darnell. "We've already got Mel Gibson lined up for an episode called 'I Don't Hate the Jews, But If I Did, Here's All The Reasons Why Their Filthy Hands Are All Over Hollywood', and we're this close to signing Barry Bonds for a 'I Didn't Take Ten Pounds of Steroids A Day, But If I Did, Here's the Prescription Plan I Would Have Followed'."

Veteran media-watcher Ray Laszlo thinks the idea is a winner. "Fox has so much to work with here," he told BunkoSquad. "There's even talk of a 'I Didn't Completely Go Off the Deep End, But If I Did, Here's How the Con Men Completely Fried My Brain and Emptied My Bank Account.' America's been waiting to hear Tom Cruise's story, and now they may get their chance."

A leaked list of potential episode titles reveals that Fox is planning to go beyond entertainment scandals into the world of politics:

Darnell said there's one interview subject he'd love to land more than any other. "We're just waiting for White House approval - which we think we'll get - and then, just in time for May sweeps, we'll have President Bush in 'I Didn't Cynically Exploit the Horror of 9/11 For Partisan Gain and To Launch My Preplanned Imperialist Agenda, But If I Did, The 3,000 Innocent Dead Would Have Demanded No Less.' It should be fascinating entertainment."

UPDATE: Fox cancelled the O.J. special.

Posted by Michael at 09:05 AM | Comments (0)

October 17, 2006

New Healey Ads Link Patrick to Son of Sam, Challenger Explosion, Tsunami

BOSTON - With the gubernatorial election looming, Republican candidate Kerry Healey will launch a new round of ads that will link Democrat Deval Patrick to some of the horrible events of the last 30 years, BunkoSquad has learned.

One such ad, which has been leaked, shows a split-screen with Patrick on the left side, and footage of the 1986 Challenger explosion on the right. A female voice-over says, "America's children lost their innocence when the Space Shuttle blew up. And Deval Patrick can't account for his whereabouts that morning. Is this someone you want as Governor?"

A second ad claims that Deval Patrick went on several weekend trips to New York City in the summer of 1977, when the city was terrorized by the serial killer David Berkowitz, known as Son of Sam. Though Berkowitz has confessed and is serving a life sentence, the ad notes that the case is still offically open, and asks what Patrick isn't telling us.

These are only the first salvos in a barrage, promises a Healey staffer who wished to remain anonymous. Commercials linking Patrick to the 1979 Three Mile Island nuclear disaster, the 1989 World Series earthquake in San Francisco, and the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami are in the works.

"This campaign is about the issues," said the unnamed staffer. "The people of Massachusetts deserve honest answers to questions like, 'Has Deval Patrick been manipulating undersea plate tectonics?' and 'Did Deval Patrick give Mark Chapman his copy of Catcher in the Rye?' Kerry Healey has stated for the record that she's against horrible things; Patrick won't come clean."

The Healey campaign has also disavowed a report that surfaced Monday in the Boston Herald which suggested that Deval Patrick visited New York's Attica State Prison and started the infamous 1971 riots. "We wouldn't leak that to the media," the anonymous tipster said. "We want to keep the focus on real issues that matter to real Massachusetts voters, like the fact that Deval Patrick hasn't publicly renounced any ties he may have to the late Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu."

Posted by Michael at 10:55 PM | Comments (1)

September 26, 2006

Hugo Chavez Inundated With Review Copies

CARACAS, VENEZUELA - Last week at the United Nations, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez held aloft a copy of Noam Chomsky's Hegemony Or Survival, catapulting the once-obscure political screed to the top of the New York Times bestseller list. Now Chavez is "overwhelmed" by hundreds and hundreds of manuscripts and review copies being sent to his Caracas palace.

"There are so many books coming in," said Culture Secretary Francisco de Asis Sesto Novas. "El Presidente barely has time to read them all, but read them all he must, if he is to correctly identify which volumes expose the imperialistic goals of the warlike American President."

Sesto Novas says that Chavez is currently making his way through his myriad fiction submissions. "Hugo really liked Alexander McCall Smith's detective series, and he's very excited about Jonathan Franzen's The Discomfort Zone. But since each book comes with a lengthy, handwritten note from the author urging [Chavez] to read and recommend it, it takes twice as long as usual."

Reportedly, Scholastic Press has taken the unusual step of sending Chavez an advance copy of the seventh and final Harry Potter novel. The novel, which was expected to be released under a veil of heavy security, instead was mentioned at some length by Chavez Monday on Venezuelan state television. "Voldemort is the devil," he announced before an assembly of Peoples' Representatives. "Although Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy sacrifice their lives at the end to keep Harry from killing his real father, Professor Snape, the evil that Voldemort creates will clearly live on in Harry and Hermione's newborn child."

Authors of political and current-events books, meanwhile, are launching an all-out media blitz to bring their books to Chavez's attention. Karen DeYoung's biography of Colin Powell, Bob Woodward's inside view of the Bush Administration, and even Bob Newhart's memoir, have all found themselves on Chavez's desk, hoping for a good word or a photo-op. Even the reclusive Alan Dershowitz has reportedly rented a U-Haul van, planning to drive his entire bibliography to Venezuela in hope of being mentioned in a future Chavez speech.

"It's a great time for the publishing industry," said Random House spokesman Claude Heron. "Oprah's book club lost a little steam when she picked that Million Little Pieces hoax, and without her guidance, people have stopped reading. We hope that 'Hugo's Book Club' can help pick up the slack." Chavez is reportedly in talks with NBC, working on a contract to reveal his pick of the month to Matt Lauer on the Today show.

Posted by Michael at 11:55 PM | Comments (2)

August 10, 2006

MLB Releases Updated Red Sox Schedule

BOSTON - Major League Baseball has taken the unprecedented step of completely overhauling the Red Sox' late-season schedule, BunkoSquad has learned. In reaction to the team losing four straight to the hapless Devil Rays and execrable Royals, Acting Commissioner Bud Selig invoked the "best-interests-of-the-game" clause, to send the woeful Boston nine to spread cheer all around baseball.

"When you look at the faces of the kids in Tampa Bay and Kansas City, you see why I had to make the move," Selig said. "These are kids rooting their whole lives for crappy teams. They're about ready to give up on baseball, until the Red Sox come to town and make it all OK again."

The Red Sox will now stay in Kansas City for the entire weekend, before heading to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota from 8/14-16. The five-game Yankee series will be played as scheduled. The Sox will then depart on a nine-game trip to Pittsburgh, Washington and surprisingly, Papua New Guinea, where the hope is that the series will breathe some life into the fledgling New Guinean national team. The New Guinean team was established yesterday and will get a solid week of practices in, once equipment arrives from the U.S.

The Sox will return to Fenway for a homestand against Pawtucket, Kansas City, and the AlbaNineties, an Albany, N.Y., organization that meets socially to play baseball under 1890s rules (note to ticketholders: that series will be all afternoon games.)

In mid-September, the Red Sox will spend a week in New York City, playing 3 games against the Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital All-Stars, followed by 4 against the Yankees.

The rest of the schedule will consist mainly of games against New England high-school teams and nursing homes, capping it off with a highly-anticipated finals-weekend series against basketball's famed Washington Generals.

Selig defended the decision to leave the Yankee games intact. "The rivalry is as heated as ever," he said. "Plus, I got a letter from a 9-year-old boy in New Jersey - big Yankees fan - who said he's on his second hamster since 2000, and is scared that this hamster will live his entire life without seeing the Yankees win the World Series."

In other news, the Red Sox picked up Julian Tavarez' contract through 2015.

Posted by Michael at 11:00 AM | Comments (2)

June 28, 2006

Bush Slams Times For Revealing Location of Washington, D.C.

SOMEWHERE ON THE EAST COAST - President Bush had harsh words for the media today, slamming the New York Times for its recent decision to publish the location of Washington, D.C., the nation's capital.

Bush on Monday sharply condemned the disclosure of the 68-square-mile parcel of land between Virginia and Maryland, which is home to the White House, Congress, and countless government agencies. "The disclosure of this city is disgraceful," he said.

"For a newspaper to publish this does great harm to the United States of America," Bush said, jabbing his finger for emphasis. He said the disclosure of the capital "makes it harder to win this war on terror."

Washington avoided an attack on 9/11, although a plane did crash into the Pentagon, in nearby Arlington, Virginia. Bush indicated that had the terrorists known of the existence of Washington, D.C. at the time, it would have made "a very tempting target".

The location of Washington was disclosed last week by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and the Los Angeles Times. The New York Times was running a travel supplement on weekend trips on the East Coast, sources say, and Washington's museums and monuments were prominently mentioned. A black-and-white map was also provided.

"Congress is aware of where D.C. is located, and its existence was fully authorized under the law," Bush said. "We're at war with a bunch of people who want to hurt the United States of America. And now we have the media telling the terrorists exactly where major U.S. cities are located."

Later, White House spokesman Tony Snow said it was up to the Justice Department to determine whether there would be a formal investigation of the news leak. Snow also implicated Rand McNally for providing "a figurative road map to the seat of the nation's government."

Posted by Michael at 01:45 PM | Comments (2)

June 18, 2006

Paul McCartney at 64: Unneeded, Unfed

paulmccartney.jpgISLE OF WIGHT - Pop music legend Paul McCartney turns 64 on Sunday, and his situation is fairly grim, sources tell BunkoSquad.

With his separation from second wife Heather Mills, and the piracy of his music online, McCartney has reportedly had to "scrimp and save" just to afford his yearly retreat to this island. Instead of crafting such memorable tunes as "Band on the Run" and "Listen to What the Man Said", the former Beatle now spends much of his time mending fuses and digging weeds.

"We knew it was his birthday," said his granddaughter Vera. "But the fact is, granddad was out 'til quarter to three. We stayed up as long as we could, but we had to lock the door." "He's a grown man", added younger grandson Dave. "We're not attached to his knee anymore."

In a prepared statement, Mills offered no apologies for leaving the musician on his own. "To me, being in the rock world means parties and world travel. He preferred to sit around and watch me knitting sweaters by the fireside. And he kept saying, 'You'll be older too!' Who can put up with that? Plus he's losing his hair."

Mills couldn't be reached for direct comment, but a spokesman confirmed that she would be sending McCartney neither birthday greetings nor a bottle of wine.

Posted by Michael at 12:01 AM | Comments (2)

May 14, 2006

Suicide Rate in Boston Approaching 87%

BOSTON - After five days of steady drenching rain, and with four more days of the same in the forecast, the suicide rate in Greater Boston is approaching 87% of the population, BunkoSquad has learned.

"It seems everyone in town has come to the same conclusion," said Harvard psychologist Claude Morraieux, in a hastily-written note left next to his body. "People are convinced they will never see the sun again, and decided to leave this earth on their own terms."

The mass suicides cut across gender, racial, and socioeconomic lines. The only people immune to the phenomenon seem to be people whose well-being depends on the misery of others. Meterologists and live-feed journalists are reporting "a 110% chance of job satisfaction", and MBTA bus drivers are working double shifts for the chance to drive around with "OUT OF SERVICE" on the front of the bus, and splash any survivors waiting at bus stops.

"This is a dark time for our city," said Mayor Thomas Menino. "When the sun comes out, which they say will be about July 17th, we'll have tens of thousands of waterlogged bodies to remove. And that might cut into the plans we had to fix a pothole this summer."

Some people are hopeful for a silver lining. Will the deaths of 87% of the population mean a reduction in rents and housing rates for those who remain? "Not likely," said real estate expert Stanley Fluvanna, chuckling. "Not likely at all. Suckers."

But the tragic stories are multiplying. A resident of Somerville who wished not to be identified said that when the 6:00 news on Saturday started with a 48-hour forecast, "you could hear single gunshots up and down the street." Rumors tell of an unidentified man setting himself on fire when he walked into a sports bar to see the Yankees playing in sunshine in New York. And Englishman Rob McKenna, on a week's vacation in Boston, was brutally murdered by suspicious science fiction fans.

The Globe plans to run a 4,600 page special obituary edition once they can find enough people to typeset it.

Posted by Michael at 12:13 PM | Comments (3)

March 29, 2006

Bush Admits to Latest Round of 'Youthful Mistakes'

WASHINGTON - President Bush answered critics of his Administration in a press conference today, admitting serious blunders in the first five years of his Presidency, but chalking them up to "youthful mistakes."

"This is hard work," he told a gathering of reporters. "And maybe, as a young President, I took too much vacation time, and didn't read security briefings, and picked friends for important posts instead of qualified people. That's behind me."

Longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas read off a list of perceived Bush blunders: relaxing environmental regulations, backing out of the Kyoto treaty, 9/11 intelligence failures, "My Pet Goat", illegal detainments at Guantanamo Bay, the "No Child Left Behind" boondoggle, the Cheney/Enron connection, the failure to find Osama Bin Laden, the puffing up of evidence about Saddam Hussein, the tabbing of Henry Kissinger to chair the 9/11 Commission, falling off a goddam Segway, sending Colin Powell to the U.N. to present incorrect evidence about Iraq, the "Mission Accomplished" banner, the Valerie Plame leak, the EPA underreporting environmental damage at the World Trade Center site, the Cheney/Scalia duck hunt, the much-maligned color-coded terror alert system, advising the Swift Boat Veterans' attacks on John Kerry, the Armstrong Williams scandal, the failed attempt at privatizing Social Security, ignoring North Korea, hiring that Arabian horse guy to run FEMA, the Harriet Miers fiasco, the bungling of Hurricane Katrina recovery, the failed Dubai Ports Deal, and the continued lack of a visible plan or exit strategy in Iraq.

Bush, grinning, nodded his head at the laundry list of complaints. "I said this was hard work," he quipped.

When asked how a nearly 60-year-old man could claim youth and inexperience, Bush testily replied, "Look, no matter what job I was doing, or what company I was running, no one ever told me that a memo entitled 'Bin Laden Determined to Strike In US' was important. Now I know. It never occurred to me that playing guitar and fundraising might be inappropriate while a major American city was being destroyed. Next time, I'll stick around the office."

As the press conference wound down, Bush promised to "bring dignity and honor back to the White House" in his third and fourth terms.

Posted by Michael at 04:06 PM | Comments (0)

February 22, 2006

Bush Dismisses Fox-Henhouse Security Concerns; Threatens Veto

WASHINGTON - Amid criticism from Democrats and within his own party, President Bush stood firm on his goal to transfer security at 5,000 U.S. henhouses to a international consortium of foxes. Bush threatened to veto any attempt to review or delay the decision.

"I don't know what everyone's worked up about," Bush told a handpicked crowd. "With all of the serious issues affecting our country today, I still feel totally secure putting the nation's key henhouses in the foxes' hands. They've assured me they'll do the best job, and I believe them."

Critics of the plan point out that the foxes have been known to repeatedly eat hens in the past, and that the security concerns might be better handled by a trusted German shepherd or a Doberman. But White House spokesman Scott McLellan dismissed such concerns, saying, "The foxes are on our side. They swore not to eat all the hens. Can't we talk about something else?"

The 5,000 henhouses in question are scattered around the nation, with the bulk being located in rural areas of the Midwest. This has some local residents worried. "I just don't feel like my hens are safe, even if the foxes are the President's friends," said farmer Roy Lundberg of Wisconsin. "I really wish he'd thought it through."

Some critics have noted that in September 2001, a henhouse in Lower Manhattan (Ks.) was destroyed and all the hens eaten. Several of the predators were traced to the fox consortium, but Bush made a controversial decision to ignore them, and invade a nest of badgers nearby. The War on Badgers has cost $345 billion so far.

Critics have also pointed to a history of friendly relationships between the Bush family and the foxes. "This smacks of a sweetheart deal, made to line the foxes' pockets and put American hens at risk.", said a Congressman who declined to be identified. "Why outsource henhouse security, when we have a surplus of dogs here, plus a Vice-President with an itchy trigger finger?"

But Bush says he's steadfast in his determination to ram the fox deal forward, despite it being opposed by 98 Senators, 433 Representatives, all 50 State Legislatures, 99.7% of the American public, and the hens. "The foxes are our allies in the Global War on Badgers," Bush said, "and we're going to reward them. Reward them a lot."

Poultry futures dropped 86% on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange yesterday.

Posted by Michael at 11:14 AM | Comments (1)

February 17, 2006

Putting the "Vice" in "Vice President"

Silly me - I thought it was a big deal that Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face. But after a little research, I discovered that the office of Vice President has always gone hand-in-hand with mayhem and violence. You won't read about any of this on the Internet (until now), so let me again state that a librarian and a subtle $20 bill are your best research tools. Let's hit the history books:

July 11, 1804. Aaron Burr shoots Founding Father Alexander Hamilton in New Jersey in a duel. Hamilton dies, but gets the consolation prize of the $10 bill and a commemorative rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike.

April 20, 1812. George Clinton fakes his own death, with the help of a wax dummy and a compliant Washington press corps. He goes into hiding for 150 years, then reemerges as the leader of the P--Funk All-Stars.

1835. Martin Van Buren, popularly known as "Old Kinderhook", terrorizes Baltimore in the summer of 1835 with a spate of grisly killings. He carves the initials "O.K." on the forehead of each victim. The suspicious nature of the time led people to start asking each other "Are you O.K.?"; the phrase stuck.

September 17, 1848. Polk's VP George Dallas, fed up with the slow rate of hangings in the United States, formed the first and most efficient vigilante squad in the nation. They recorded 345 executions in just over a month; Dallas was honored by having a major city in Texas named after him.

April 18, 1853. William Rufus Devane King, VP for only a month, dies in Cuba under mysterious circumstances. It is later revealed that he was trying to foment a revolution in Havana, and was one of the masterminds who eventually got Fidel Castro into power in the spring of 1855.

March 1, 1873. VP Schuyler Colfax is gunned down by Secret Service agents for taking a shot at Ulysses S. Grant; it turns out Grant placed a bottle of whiskey (empty) on his head and dared Colfax to shoot it off.

May 14, 1901. VP Theodore Roosevelt, on a camping trip in the Arizona Territory, awakens from a fever dream and mistakes his entourage for enemy soldiers from San Juan Hill. He silently dispatches 27 handlers with nothing more than a tentpole; when asked for comment, his quip "Speak softly and carry a big stick" was recorded for the ages.

August 2, 1923. Former VP Hannibal Hamlin, who served under Lincoln and died in 1891, is moved from his resting place in a Bangor, Maine, cemetery to an ancient Indian burial ground, for some reason. He instantly zombifies and starts attacking the townspeople before retreating into seclusion. Some people think that entire region of Maine is haunted, and there may be big bucks there for the storyteller who can put some of the grisly tales on paper.

March 4, 1933. On Inauguration Day, John Nance Garner (a Texan) learns how limited his Vice-Presidential duties are and attacks incoming President Franklin Roosevelt with a hatchet. Roosevelt has difficulty walking for the rest of his days.

November 22, 1963. Vice President Lyndon Johnson, from a grassy knoll in Dallas, shoots John F. Kennedy in the head. His role in the Kramer/Newman/Keith Hernandez spitting incident is still the subject of controversy.

September 4, 1973. Tired of people making rude anagrams of his name, Spiro Agnew climbs up a water tower in Virginia and starts randomly firing into the town below. This proves to be too much for even the Nixon Administration, and Agnew is forced to resign a month later.

August 7, 1974. Gerald Ford goes into the Oval Office, but this time with Luca Brasi. He puts a gun to Nixon's head and says, "Either your brains or your signature are going to be on this letter of resignation." True story. It's my government, Kay, it's not me.

December 22, 1999. Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, decides that his creation has gotten out of control and unleashes a series of computer viruses and worms that cripple the fledgling World Wide Web and plunge American back into the Stone Age.

February 11, 2006. Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face.

Posted by Michael at 10:55 AM | Comments (4)

June 26, 2005

Every American Now Searching In Aruba

ORANGESTAD, Aruba - The disappearance of American teen Natalee Holloway has had a surprising effect on this Caribbean island, as sources tell BunkoSquad that every single American is now on Aruba searching for the missing girl.

"We were worried that Americans might come to distrust and fear our island," said tourism minister Colin Van Der Hoosling. Speaking from a hotel in Venezuela (his home is being rented to house the citizens of Milwaukee), he added, "But trillions of dollars are flowing in now. We don't know what to do with all this money."

The onslaught began a few weeks ago. All American news outlets were left empty as reporters and camera crews stampeded south. But when their exhaustive search came up empty, America rose to the task. Even though the 70 square miles of Aruba have been trampled flat by the 300 million visitors, no one is ready to give up hope yet.

"I just feel so sad for that poor girl," said Ellen McParland of Spokane, Washington. "I've searched my assigned 3-inch by 5-inch section of ground for three days straight now, and nothing." After 15 hours a day of scouring the index-card-sized patch of land, McParland sadly returned to raft #A45-C12465, where she and 453 other volunteers cling overnight off the coast until they're picked up to resume the search again.

The search has had one postive outcome. Mike Teavee of Arizona, presumed missing after the Wonka Factory Massacre of 1998, was found nestled between two leaves. He had been shrunk to two inches tall, but was reportedly in good health, asking what's happened on the plotlines of his favorite Westerns.

It's unclear whether President Bush has made the trip to Aruba. He was on vacation in Crawford, Texas, when the mass exodus occurred, and White House sources indicated that the President might use the downtime to search the United States for terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden. That report was contradicted, however, as Bush was later seen running his fingers through the sand of a 1-square-foot sector of Aruba's Bucuti Beach. "Nothing yet," he grimly told reporters.

Posted by Michael at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

May 17, 2005

History Lesson

I hadn't realized this: The time from the bombing of Pearl Harbor to the surrender of Japan was 1,346 days. This Thursday is the 1,346th day since 9/11.

For those of you not up on your WW2 history, here's how it went down. Right after Pearl Harbor was attacked, President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave a speech where he coined the term "Axis of Evil", saying Japan, Romania and Italy were the gravest threats to world peace. Then he went on to say that intelligence had learned that Italy was making powerful weapons of mass destruction, and called Benito Mussolini the most terrifying dictator on the planet.

FDR made a couple of controversial moves: he decided to hold the 1944 Democratic Convention right beside the watery grave of the U.S.S. Arizona. And immediately after D-Day, just before Allied troops began a long slog into the heart of Europe, FDR posed for his infamous "Mission Accomplished" photo.

While keeping a skeleton force in Japan, occassionally knocking on a door to see if anyone was hiding Emperor Hirohito, the US made triumph after triumph in Italy: the Leaning Tower of Pisa was toppled, Mussolini was captured, put on trial and forgotten about, and a school in Sorrento got a fresh coat of paint. Although Italian militants controlled much of the countryside, the road between Ravenna and Bologna was pretty much secure in Allied hands.

On the homefront, the nation was divided over whether devoting so much effort and manpower into occupying Italy was worth it. (Although there was no direct evidence tying Mussolini to Pearl Harbor, FDR's stern warning - "you're either with us or against us" - made it clear that the occupation of Italy would continue until the perpetrators of the 1941 attack were subdued.) And while much of the nation's economy shifted into wartime production, a good living could still be made by printing magnetic ribbons with patriotic slogans such as "God Bless FDR" and "Benito, Hirohito - Finito!"

Some stateside wondered whether FDR had forgotten about Germany -- Japan's chief ally and the nation that was causing untold grief in Europe. Suprisingly, FDR never even mentioned the Third Reich as an enemy, and was even photographed holding hands with foreign minister Joachim von Ribbentrop. This was widely criticized in the alternative press (which were known as Benevolent Ledgers/Observant Gazettes, or B.L.O.G.s), but none of the mainstream press (the New York Times, LIFE, the Saturday Evening Post) was able or willing to question the President's financial and social ties with the Germans.

When Japan finally surrendered in 1945, it was assumed that it was because the U.S. Congress had brought pressure to bear on the situation by threatening to ram through every one of Harry Truman's judicial nominees without debate or filibuster. This was known by Truman as the "nuclear option", and Tokyo quickly bowed to the pressure.

I hope history is as kind to our modern era.

Posted by Michael at 12:15 AM | Comments (2)

May 11, 2005

Six States Vying to Take Reagan's Name

HELENA, MT - With the first anniversary of the death of former President Ronald Reagan approaching, BunkoSquad has learned that at least six states have quietly begun the process of renaming themselves to honor the Gipper.

Perhaps the most concentrated effort is here in the Treasure State, where Congressman Max Blaing (R) says support for the late Reagan has never been higher. "If Ronnie ran again, God rest his soul," Blaing told an enthusiastic crowd, "he'd take all of Montana's four electoral votes, dead or no. That's why we owe him our name...the name of the great state of Reagana!"

Sources from coast to coast also indicate that, if all six efforts are successful, get ready for the new states of Reaglahoma, North Gipperkota, Reagansas, Reaganland (formerly Oregon) and Rhonnie Island.

The driving force to rename Arkansas to Reagansas is State Senator Orville "Butterball" Clutterbuck. "A high school tour group from Forsyth told me that there's only one US state named after a President, and it's George Washington. And I was outraged. George Washington was a war hero, true, but he did nothing about Communism. Nothing! It's time we honored a true American patriot."

The movement has high hopes for renaming at least four of the potential six states, since Reagan's name has recently been appended to such diverse landmarks as Washington, D.C.'s airport, the Grand Canyon, the new bridge over I-670 in Saint Louis, and Saskatchewan. In a stunning show of support for the late President, a group of students in Greensville, Ohio, chanted "Tear down this wall!" for hours as they systematically demolished every structure in the town.

A spokesman for the Reagan family said, "We appreciate it, really, but the family would like people to focus on curing the Alzheimer's disease that ravaged poor Ronald for his last years." Legislation was immediately proposed in the U.S. Congress to change the name of the disease to "America's Sorrow".

No state has changed its name since 1977, when the state of Prairiana redubbed itself Kansas, to honor the band that hit the charts with "Carry On, My Wayward Son" and "Dust in the Wind".

Posted by Michael at 09:59 PM | Comments (0)

April 15, 2005

Moral Dilemmas Spread Beyond Pharmacies

SYRACUSE - When Chophouse Charlie's American Steakhouse opened here last fall, it was the talk of the town. It's still on everyone's minds, but for different reasons. Waiter Jeremy Klustermann is at the center of a political firestorm for his religious and moral beliefs.

"I'm a vegan," explained Klustermann. "I don't eat anything that came from animals, and I refuse to take orders from diners who want me to serve them animal products."

The controversy began February 11, when the Stieglitz family of Watertown stopped in for dinner. Bob Stieglitz ordered a prime rib, medium rare, but Klustermann wouldn't provide it. "He said he was morally opposed to the slaughter of animals and wouldn't get me a steak," reminisced Stieglitz. "I asked if maybe we could get another waiter, and he glared at me and said if he did that, he'd still be an accessory to murder." Stieglitz wound up ordering a caesar salad, which he said was "fine, I guess".

Klustermann is now involved in a nationwide movement called "The Customer Is Always Right Unless It Conflicts With My Ethics" (TCIARUICWME.). Started after the recent spate of controversies involving pharmacists who refused to honor prescriptions for birth control pills, the movement now includes video store clerks, gas station attendants, wedding planners, and countless others in the service industry who are fed up with having to do their jobs if it violates their comfort zones.

"This isn't a whim," Klustermann said. "I'm a trained and experienced waiter, and [restaurant management] want to fire me because I won't bring certain foods to my customers."

Karri Brower, cofounder of TCIARUICWME, says retail workers like Klustermann are finally emboldened to ignore certain aspects of their job. "No more will the film snob at Blockbuster have to take customers' money to rent Carrot Top films. No more will the devout Muslim have to compromise his beliefs just because he's a hot-dog vendor at a baseball game. We truly believe that there's a way that people can not do their jobs due to moral concerns, and yet still do their jobs."

A TCUARUICWME rally scheduled for Washington this month had to be cancelled when the bus drivers slated to ferry them to the Mall realized the whole thing was asinine, and refused to drive them or recommend another means of transportation.

Posted by Michael at 10:31 AM | Comments (0)

April 04, 2005

The Next Pope

The candidates:

Francis Arinze, Nigeria.
Current Occupation: Cardinal of Nigeria.
Pros: First non-European pope. Prepared for the coming Christian-Islam global war.
Cons: Non-European. From the Clarence Thomas school of "he's farther to the right than Sean Hannity, but he's black, so liberals won't say anything" school of devious nominations.

Claudio Hummes, Brazil.
Current Occupation: Archbishop of Sao Paulo.
Pros: Would represent strong Church presence in Latin America. Pleasant-looking guy.
Cons: He's old. Born in Brazil of German parents. Way too "The Boys From Brazil" for me.


Jean-Marie Lustiger, France.
Current Occupation: Archbishop of Paris.
Pros: Jewish; has taken Catholic-Jewish relations in Paris higher than they have been since the Black Death.
Cons: The first leader of the Christian Church was Jewish, and people still argue over what exactly he meant by what he said.

Bono, Ireland.
Current Occupation: Frontman, U2.
Pros: Has worked visibly for various causes and cozied up to high-ranking world figures. Wrote "Where the Streets Have No Name." Accustomed to preaching.
Cons: Tends to drop F-bombs left and right. Wrote "Daddy's Gonna Pay For Your Crashed Car."

Ricky Davis, Boston Celtics.
Current Occupation: 6th man, Guard/Forward.
Pros: Will tenaciously defend the majesty of Rome. Will provide a burst of energy to a tired Church hierarchy.
Cons: Still has "head-case" label. Not confirmed, but we suspect maybe, just maybe, he likes the herb a little bit.


Henry Kissinger, Sixth Circle of Hell.
Current Occupation: God Only Knows.
Pros: Has full backing of Bush Adminstration, who's been inexplicably desperate to put him in some position of power.
Cons: He should be one.

Dante Hicks, New Jersey.
Current Occupation: Quik-Stop Clerk.
Pros: Willing to work long hours for little reward. Might go back to college someday.
Cons: Can't even lift a gallon of milk without straining. Might be dead.


Sean Hannity, Fox News.
Current Occupation: Fox News TV Personality.
Pros: Already bathed in a shimmering aura of smug self-righteousness. Has been nominated for a Nobel Prize. Singlehandedly kept Terry Schiavo alive from 1991-2004 until judges made him stop.
Cons: Is a fu[+++SEDITIOUS COMMENT DELETED BY USDHS. CARRIER DROPPED+++].

Matthew Lesko, TVLand.
Current Occupation: Infomercial Pitchman.
Pros: Can find new sources of wealth for the Vatican by tapping into government grants and services. Looks like Eugene Levy.
Cons: Kind of a tool. Roman tailors may balk at covering Papal robes with question marks.

Mike Krzyzewski, Duke University.
Current Occupation: Head Basketball Coach.
Pros: Always gets to the Sweet Sixteen. Responsible for training countless young men and readying them to be NBA busts. Hair doesn't move.
Cons: Has coached for years a team with "Devils" in the nickname. Papal robes might not be billowy enough to accomodate both Pope K and the herd of sycophants attached to his rear end.

Parker Posey, New York City.
Current Occupation: Indie-film Darling.
Pros: Has kept a viable career without losing indie cred. Would convince millions of strayed Catholics to give the Church another try. Hot, yet seems approachable.
Cons: ?????

Posted by Michael at 11:34 AM | Comments (7)

March 23, 2005

Theory of Gravity Challenged in Oklahoma

OKLAHOMA CITY - Responding to pressure from parents' groups and others, the state Board of Education has agreed to place restrictions on the teaching of Newton's theory of gravity.

Stickers will now be required to be placed on all middle- and high-school science, history and French textbooks. The stickers will read, "This textbook contains material on gravity. Gravity is a theory, not a fact, regarding the forces that hold the universe together. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."

"It's clearly a victory over the Oklahoma scientific elite," said Tallequah parent Marcy Spingler. "I don't want my kids exposed to some theory that hasn't been tested, proven. peer-reviewed and verified. Our prayers have been answered."

The board's vote was 6-to-1 in favor of the stickers. Professor Max Wiersing, an MIT graduate who has lived in Oklahoma since his car broke down traveling Route 66 in 1992, cast the lone dissenting vote. "These people think that 'theory' means 'guess'. It's not. A theory is an established paradigm that explains the data we have and offers valid...oh dear Lord. Never mind."

Wiersing stared off into space for a minute, then offered more evidence in favor of gravity by hurling himself off a bridge.

Enid lawyer James Plunk, who has mounted succesful challenges in Oklahoma to the Theory of Evolution, the First Law of Thermodynamics, and the Pythagorean Theorem, was pleased with the result. "We're going after long division next!" Plunk told a rally outside the smoking crater that once housed the Oklahoma Science Museum. "Then we're banning Barney, beacuse there weren't any dinosaurs on Noah's Ark!"

Schoolchildren don't seem to be fazed by the thought that Oklahoma's scientific test scores now lag behind 46 states, 143 countries, a tribe in New Guinea that's never been exposed to the outside world, and several species of hermit crabs. Tulsa sixth-grader Ashley Britney Sue McCormick said. "Teacher used to tell us how Isaac Newton has some apple fall on his head or somethin'. Teacher ain't there no more."

Tenth-grader Billy Brapp of Ponca City agreed. "Back before Pa threw the TV away 'cuz all the electricity came out of the socket and filled the house with poison, we used to watch all those cartoons. You know how Wile E. Coyote used to run off a cliff all the time? He never fell -- at least, not till he looked down or was shown a book about gravity."

The ruling makes Oklahoma the seventh state to restrict teaching about gravity. Next week, Tennessee lawmakers are poised to pass a bill officially delaring pi to be 3.

Posted by Michael at 12:49 PM | Comments (4)

March 12, 2005

Say It Ain't Snow

One of my primary defense mechanisms has kicked in: the unconscious channeling of Weird Al Yankovic. Listening to the piped-in music at the supermarket, I was thisclose to doing a Paula Cole parody ("Where is my Fozzie Bear/Where is my Prairie Dawn/Where is my Harry Monster/Where have all the Muppets gone?"), but then on the walk home, I realized what's gotten me all edgy and grim and needing a defense mechanism in the first place. So with apologies to Weezer, here's my song:

oh no, not again

another six inches is forecast for friday
another three inches, sunday overnight
guess i'll go shovel once more

oh no, not again, this sucks, can't win

flip on the telly, weatherman's grinning
says it won't change over to rain after all
my patience is ready to blow

say it ain't snow
oh please, i'll do anything
say it ain't snow
knock me unconscious till spring

i could go skiing, but i would hate it
i won't go skating or do anything
cause i say, this snow
it means ice scraping and sludgy streets, it drives me crazy every day
it ain't cool

say it ain't snow
oh please, i'll do anything
say it ain't snow
knock me unconscious till spring

years ago, i should have
moved myself down to georgia
new orleans, las vegas
the sun shines there, so i hear
this new eng-land climate
it makes me want to vomit
it won't stop, it can't stop
my city's buried in a drift

Posted by Michael at 09:53 PM | Comments (2)

February 25, 2005

Fox, Vatican Planning New Reality Show

ROME - With Pope John Paul II in poor health, and no clear-cut frontrunner to assume the role of the Holy Father, the Roman Catholic Church has decided to team up with the Fox Network and find its next Pope with a reality TV show, BunkoSquad has learned.

The show, tentatively titled "American Pontiff", will follow hundreds of contestants from early auditions in church basements to a star-studded finale in New York's St. Patrick's Cathedral. Simon Jones, creator of the hit TV show American Idol, is involved in the planning and says he's excited. "With the Church at a crossroads, the Vatican is looking for someone to boldly take Catholicism into the 20th...I mean 21st Century," Jones told reporters in Los Angeles. "Someone who can fulfill the longstanding traditions of Rome, but also someone with a little pizzazz."

American Idol judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and the impish Simon Cowell are already tentatively signed on to rate contestants on such elements as scriptural knowledge, chanting, and condemning the evils of modern society. A test run at St. Ambrose Parish in Teaneck, N.J., left the three enthusiastic. "These papal wannabes floored me!" said Abdul. "Even if some of them flubbed the Nicene Creed and took a little too much sacramental wine, the excitement was definitely there." Cowell took a dimmer view, saying, "These kids put the 'Ewwww' back in Eucharist."

Jones assuaged the fears of many traditional Catholics by saying that many of the ancient rites will be followed. "I know the Pope is traditionally chosen by the Cardinals, so we're working on getting Mark McGwire as a celebrity judge in the finals. And when the white smoke comes out of that chimney - boy, it will be one of the great moments in TV history."

Fox has already confirmed that fan favorite William Hung will be a regular fixture on the series. Said Cowell, "When that kid sings the 'Hosanna in the highest' bit...well, I ran into the confession booth and prayed that God would take me away."

The winner will receive a lifetime of adoration, free travel, countless audiences with penitents, and the unlimited use of the Popemobile.

Posted by Michael at 01:10 AM | Comments (1)

February 24, 2005

Romney Demands Trade to Red State

PHOENIX - With the political trading deadline approaching, and frustrated with his role in state politics, Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney asked for a trade yesterday, saying "I'd be a better fit somewhere else."

The remarks came amidst a five-week road trip that has featured Romney speaking before largely conservative crowds and forced to mock his "liberal" "home" state if he wants any dinner. The lowlight, Romney said, was at a meeting of strict Nazarene ministers in Grady Gulch, Tenn., where he was flagellated 17 times in accordance with Scripture for allowing gay marriage to become law in Massachusetts on his watch.

"That was definitely the low point," Romney admitted. "But everywhere I go, Republicans mock me -- 'ooh, there's Mr. Adam and Steve' or 'how's Hippieland' or 'thy stance on embryonic stem cell research is cause for us to pluck out thine eye' -- that kind of thing. I think I need a change of scenery."

Romney, who made a suprising choice signing with Massachusetts in 2000 (there was wide speculation he'd sign with Utah), says he doesn't care where he goes, and that his only goal is to win a championship ring in 2008.

"Face it, I just ain't gonna win a ring coming from Boston," Romney had sighed as he addressed a meeting of Concerned Ladies against Progress in Sun City, Az. "Maybe Indiana or Kansas, I don't know. Just get me out of here."

The problem facing Romney is that few of the Red States have anything Massachusetts really wants. Sources say a deal was in progress where Romney would be traded to Montana for a bunch of liberals rounded up in the basement of a Missoula coffeehouse, but it wouldn't work under the salary cap. Massachusetts Attorney General Tom Reilly, who would have to approve any trade, said, "Mitt's just too high-priced. To make the deal work, we'd have to take on a big contract like [Florida governor] Jeb Bush or [Kansas senator] Sam Brownback, and then we're right back where we started."

Reilly added, "If he's that unhappy, we'd probably need to make a change. But, bottom line is, we have to do what's best for the Commonwealth."

Romney's next stop is Reno, Nev., where he hopes to showcase himself in front of possible Democratic trade bait, and Senate Minority Leader, Harry Reid.

Posted by Michael at 09:57 AM | Comments (3)