BunkoSquad

All Entries Related to "Miscellany"

August 06, 2008

But He Can't Be Wounded 'Cause He's Got No Heart

Kidnapping his daughter. Having a shady past. Won't provide his identity to authorities. Possibly implicated in a murder.

I'm very disappointed in you, Elvis Costello.

Posted by Michael at 08:47 AM | Comments (2)

May 22, 2008

Summer Reruns: Hurricane Edition

Dear Media: If you keep running the same weak-ass stories every year, I'm going to keep running the same weak-ass blog posts in response every year. It's just that simple. Originally posted 4/4/2007:

[opening bombastic paragraph omitted] The annual forecasts for hurricane season from CSU and the NOAA say it will be an active hurricane season.

Well, duh. Why is this news? OF COURSE they're going to say it's an active hurricane season. Let's look at what their choices are:

	THEY PREDICT AN ACTIVE SEASON	THEY PREDICT A CALM SEASON
IT IS AN ACTIVE SEASON	"We called it! We're the hurricane masters! Here are our 2009 budget demands!"	"Well...who saw that coming? We were surprised, too. We're really sorry, Savannah."
IT IS A CALM SEASON	"Well, we dodged a bullet. Next year's going to be doubly crazy, though. Here are our 2009 budget suggestions."	"You're cutting our budget?"

See, you can't really lose if you stay in the left column, and you can't really win if you stay in the right column. So be suspicious of vague, ill-informed predictions like the hurricane forecast and anything I may say about Major League Baseball the election.

Posted by Michael at 04:11 PM | Comments (1)

April 10, 2008

To Paraphrase the Late Charlie:

Wesley Morris, you can have my visible undershirt when you pry it off my cold, dead back.

Posted by Michael at 09:20 AM | Comments (0)

April 08, 2008

The Mall Will Kill You

Listen, not a year goes by - not a year - that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some old fogey which could have easily been avoided had some grandchild - I don't care which one - but some grandchild conditioned him to FEAR and RESPECT that escalator.

(First spotted at Pax Arcana.)

Posted by Michael at 01:31 PM | Comments (2)

January 16, 2008

All Them Non-Boston Cities Look the Same Anyway

Boston.com provides a photo essay of "Eight Things You Didn't Know About San Diego" to prepare for the AFC Championship. I will admit, I didn't know San Diego looked exactly like Seattle from the air. The Seattle of 2000, no less.

(UPDATE: Never mind. They fixed it.)

Posted by Michael at 10:21 AM | Comments (1)

December 19, 2007

Procrastination Irks Retailers

Actual Boston.com headline.

As a champion procrastinator, let me say this to the retailers who are panicking. It's your fault. My Christmas spirit was sucked out of me, stomped on, killed, buried, and had its gravesite salted when you decided to start with the music and the displays back in October. That puts my brain in full denial mode, and I refused to even acknowledge the existence of the season until this upcoming weekend, when I'm going to do all my shopping in one irritated whirlwind.

Their marketing experts says I and others like me are "interested in managing the shopping and consuming experience themselves". I guess that's one way to put it. I reiterate that I don't mind the early arrival of eggnog, though.

Posted by Michael at 10:02 AM | Comments (2)

November 29, 2007

The Globe and a Geography Lesson

In its graphic about where Donald Trump (yecch) wants to build a casino in Massachusetts, the Globe inadvertently breaks a story that we've apparently done a massive land swap with Connecticut.

Posted by Michael at 11:06 AM | Comments (1)

November 02, 2007

The Kind of Insight You've Been Missing Out On For Months

The bad part of November: Christmas decorations are already up in places. In the immortal words of G.O.B. Bluth..."COME ON!!"

The good part of November: Eggnog season is underway. Keep it coming.

Posted by Michael at 11:22 AM | Comments (0)

June 04, 2007

Quick News Bits

Read the headline; wait for the humorous [sic] comment.

Escaped Kangaroo Captured in Indiana. Local cat traumatized; keeps muttering "giant mouse" over and over.

Polish Man Wakes From 19-Year Coma. Says he's "mildly surprised" that Communism fell, "completely flabbergasted" that the Red Sox and Patriots have won championships.

Mayor Menino Endorses Hillary Clinton for President. Or possibly says he'd like a hot fudge sundae.

Posted by Michael at 01:51 PM | Comments (1)

May 29, 2007

Ten Years

Happy anniversary, Susan. To the one responsible for encouraging me to start a website, encouraging me to keep writing and keep writing during my weekly bouts of self-doubt. To the one responsible for hooking me on sushi and local music and photography. To the one who brought me to my first big Midwestern county fair, and who has actually learned to enjoy baseball road trips. To the one who's involved me in any number of Web projects, helped me find my interests, helped me find a voice. The one who graciously took the camera when I became shaky and completely incoherent at the Red Sox World Series Parade. The one who helped me find out about Bostonist and BostonNOW, where folks beyond the BunkoSquad Fan Club (not that I don't love and cherish you all) might notice me. The one who has shared my addiction to The Sopranos, The West Wing and Lost, and who indulges the fact that I can't not mock David Caruso every time I see him. The one who survived a summer with me in possibly the worst apartment in America. The one who survived a two-week drive to Florida and back with me and my admittedly inconsistent musical collection. The one who's been there with me through some of my best times, and some of my worst. The one who's been there with me for ten years.

Thanks, Sooz. I love you.

Posted by Michael at 12:05 AM | Comments (2)

April 17, 2007

A Fitting End to the Human Experiment

Scientists are trying to find out why all the bees are dying off. I know, I was all "who cares" when I heard it, too, but Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left".

Now they may have a culprit: cell phones. The theory is that the low-level radiation given off by phones is disrupting the navigation systems bees use, so they never make it back to the hive and the hive dies out.

I think it would be somewhat fitting that the human race survived Genghis Khan, Ivan the Terrible, Hitler, Oppenheimer and Pol Pot, only to be brought down by the "can you hear me now" guy.

Posted by Michael at 09:56 AM | Comments (2)

April 04, 2007

Hurricane Predictor Predictably Predicts Hurricanes

First of all, why are we getting hurricane predictions from a team at Colorado State University? We don't (at least I hope we don't) rely on a team from Charleston, South Carolina, for ski reports.

But now my main point, which is that the annual forecast for hurricane season from CSU says it will be an active hurricane season.

Well, duh. Why is this news? OF COURSE they're going to say it's an active hurricane season. Let's look at what their choices are:

	THEY PREDICT AN ACTIVE SEASON	THEY PREDICT A CALM SEASON
IT IS AN ACTIVE SEASON	"We called it! We're the hurricane masters! Here are our 2008 budget demands!"	"Well...who saw that coming? We were surprised, too. We're really sorry, Savannah."
IT IS A CALM SEASON	"Well, we dodged a bullet. Next year's going to be doubly crazy, though. Here are our 2008 budget suggestions."	"You're cutting our budget?"

See, you can't really lose if you stay in the left column, and you can't really win if you stay in the right column. So be suspicious of vague, ill-informed predictions like the hurricane forecast and anything I may say about Major League Baseball.

Posted by Michael at 09:35 AM | Comments (0)

March 20, 2007

Dear Six Flags

I haven't been to see you since you became Six Flags. I was a regular visitor when you were just good old Riverside Park.

Yours were among the first rollercoasters I ever went on, and your park was where I eventually conquered my fear of the Ferris Wheel, in order to go on a monumentally-frustrating ride with someone I had a monumentally-unrequited crush on.

And I won a giant stuffed mouse on your midway that's still taking up space at my parents' house.

I was planning to go this summer to check out the new roller coasters, and tick off Agawam on Project 351. But now I find that my presence there would only serve to alienate your wealthier clientele. Which is the only explanation why you're now allowing the tycoons a VIP service, mostly to cut the long lines and avoid us sunburned, cotton-candy-stuffed commoners. All they have is pay you an extra $200 a ticket, and they are free to scatter the hoi polloi with a wave of their cane, march to the front of the queue, and take their plush seat on the Scrambler.

If my presence to you is that offensive, sirs, I will take my giant stuffed mouse and stay home (sorry, Mom, I don't literally mean I'll take the mouse).

Posted by Michael at 02:10 PM | Comments (0)

March 06, 2007

Defenestration

Whatever is going on with Russia is strange. Like the irradiated spy, turned loose in London. I don't know what's going on over there, and I don't pretend to know.

But how in the world do you write an entire news story about someone falling out of a 5th-floor window...and NOT use the single greatest word in the English language?!?

Posted by Michael at 10:49 AM | Comments (1)

February 28, 2007

...tap...tap...Is This Thing On?

And how much were Police tickets?!?

Posted by Michael at 07:58 PM | Comments (0)

Impartial Advice

Investment planners say that investors shouldn't panic and sell just because the stock market took a beating yesterday.

Well...what else are they going to say? "Financial planners recommend investors sell everything immediately and hide under some blankets" would be a fantastic headline to see, but I'm not counting on it.

Let's go to the Simpsons Quotematic:

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Posted by Michael at 09:37 AM | Comments (3)

February 21, 2007

My Favorite Corporation

It's easy for me to say this, as I wasn't one of the people stuck on a grounded airplane for 11 hours (seriously, though, nobody thought to fake a heart attack? Come on, people). But this apology from JetBlue CEO David Neeleman is utterly and completely refreshing. It's honest - no trying to share the blame or bury any apology in a lot of corporate bullcrap. He says, in effect, "We totally blew it, we're sorry, we'd like you to give us another chance".

I've only flown JetBlue once - my roundtrip to Austin last spring, but my experience was fantastic. Friendly people, comfortable seats, dozens of TV channels (of course, I only watched the station showing up-to-the-second maps of what we were flying over). It was great as it was, and now, especially because they're the first big company I've seen in a long time to just fess up and ask for forgiveness, I'd fly with them again in a second.

(This is an unsolicited plug. I have received no compensation or special treatment from JetBlue for this message, although I wouldn't turn it down. Also, Hampton Inn's a great place to stay. And boy, I love Mountain Dew. Back to your regularly-scheduled grouchiness.)

Posted by Michael at 09:38 PM | Comments (0)

January 31, 2007

My Fan Fiction Salute to Today's Events

INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

(Frylock is reading the newspaper with a look of alarm on his face)
FRYLOCK: Those crazy Mooninites have struck again!
MEATWAD: Damn, this gonna mean trouble for me.
(Frylock waves the newspaper)
FRYLOCK: They've shut down the entire city of Boston. Traffic's at a standstill, the National Guard has been called out...they've even nuked Revere as a precautionary measure!
MASTER SHAKE (doesn't look up from TV): Does this affect me? No. Do I care? No. Am I going to spend ONE second thinking about it after I finish this sentence?
FRYLOCK: We have to stop them!
MASTER SHAKE: Stop who?

EXT - SOUTHEAST EXPRESSWAY - DAY

(The Aqua Teens are in the car, stuck in traffic. Carl is driving)
FRYLOCK: Dammit! I never should have let you talk me into stopping at Foxwoods.
MASTER SHAKE: What can I say? Sometimes the feeling comes over me, baby! Trust the feeling!
CARL: What, there, the feeling to split threes when the dealer's got a king showing? 'Cuz that there's the kinda feeling you want to...y'know...ignore...
FRYLOCK: And now we're stuck in traffic.
MEATWAD: Maybe we should have taken Boston's efficient public transit system.
(silence)
MEATWAD: I hear they got a Silver Line now. With a classy name like that, it gots to be good.

EXT - LONGFELLOW BRIDGE - EVENING

(Traffic is in complete gridlock. Horns honking, some people have abandoned cars. Ignignokt and Err are dancing on the northbound lanes)
IGNIGNOKT: Do you see what we've done, Err? Just by showing our faces, we have shut this major metropolitan area into an absolute standtill.
ERR: Major metropolitan area my ass! YEAH!
IGNIGNOKT: We have conquered Foreigner, we have disintegrated Loverboy, and now our sights are set on Boston. Take that, holdouts of 70s album-oriented rock!
ERR: I got More Than A Feeling that you're goin' down bizzitch!
FRYLOCK (offscreen): Not so fast!
(The Aqua Teens come into the picture. Shake has a big Red Sox #1 foam finger and Meatwad is eating a pizza)
MEATWAD: We'd'a been here sooner but we saw one o'them Duck Tour boats. I thought our number was up when he drove into the river, but DAMN if that thing didn't float somehow.
FRYLOCK: You can't stay here. The people of this city deserve a calm and orderly commute.
IGNIGNOKT: Would you say they deserve...Peace of Mind?
FRYLOCK: Well, yeah, I --
(A huge flash of light. Suddenly there's shouting and commotion from all sides)
IGNIGNOKT: Well, there you have it. People living in competition.
FRYLOCK: You don't get another warning.
(Frylock shoots a laser beam, which Ignignokt dodges. An explosion is heard offscreen)
ERR: Way to go LOSER! You just made the Big Dig tunnel collapse!
FRYLOCK (puzzled): But I didn't even shoot in that direction.
SHAKE: Look, can we wrap this up? And soon? I'd like to go over to Hah-vahd, and **** up some smaht kids.
MEATWAD: I want to stay! I met some lady who works for Mayor Menino and she says maybe what I could give Mayor Menino some speak lessons.
FRYLOCK: No! This ends now!
IGNIGNOKT: It matter not. We're off to dance in the streets of Hyannis. Everybody's waiting. Gettin' ready. Anticipating.
ERR: But Boston ain't gonna forget us soon!
IGNIGNOKT: Yes, we won't soon be forgotten.
ERR: So long baby!
(Ignignokt and Err vanish off screen)
FRYLOCK: Oh, man, it's going to take weeks for everyone to get home now.
MEATWAD: Because of those mean moon men? I hate them.
FRYLOCK: No. Because it's Friday rush hour.

FIN

Posted by Michael at 07:36 PM | Comments (5)

January 28, 2007

Mmmm....Pancakes....

A church in upstate New York is hosting a "Porn and Pancakes" event, where they'll eat flapjacks and have "an honest discussion about pornography and its impact on society". And with the maple syrup flowing, they'll have a good excuse why everyone comes home sticky.

Posted by Michael at 01:09 AM | Comments (1)

January 09, 2007

Now THAT's Detective Work

Officials investigating the awful stench that blitzed Manhattan yesterday are starting to think the smell might have come from New Jersey.

Next week on "Law & Order: Freaking Obvious Unit": The detectives investigate the mass movement of thousands of people from Manhattan to the outer boroughs, five days a week, between 5:00 and 6:00 PM.

Posted by Michael at 03:29 PM | Comments (1)

January 03, 2007

Pat Robertson's 2007 Forecast

Pat Robertson, who is what you'd get if you gave that crazy mumbling homeless guy a new suit, a TV empire, and the occasional ear of the President, has some grim predictions for 2007:

VIRGINIA BEACH, Virginia (AP) -- Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday that God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007.

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show The 700 Club on the Christian Broadcasting Network.

"The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

First of all, I'm sure the Lord said "nuke-ya-lur". And how late in 2007? I wish the Lord would provide some details before the NFL schedule is released, so they can make sure no game is scheduled in the doomed city.

God also said, he claims, that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Well, if it's only major cities that will be affected, that probably just means either blue states or liberal enclaves like Austin or Boulder. Surely if it were Spartanburg on the chopping block, he'd give folks enough notice to get their belongings out of town.

And does he mean millions of people will be killed in the attacks, or just "affected"? Does that count the citizens of Jericho, Kansas, who will be safe from the bombs themselves but turn on one another in a cavalcade of mistrust and self-interest?

Robertson suggested in January 2006 that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

Of course, an old-fashioned bolt of lightning would have been quicker and more persuasive than a common medical problem.

In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term.

He also said the Detroit Lions would go 10-6, that Britney Spears would "clean up her act" in 2006, and that he himself would be named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. Well, one out of three.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Remember when Pat said that a hurricane would smite Orlando, because Disney World didn't forbid Gay Days, and then the hurricane veered north and hit Virginia Beach, where Pat's headquartered? That still may be the greatest event in the history of mankind.

In May, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006.

Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

Which is almost as bad as the Indonesian tsunami, if you use the media's handy formula (2,000 foreigners dead = 1 local family inconvenienced). And, to be fair, his prediction of the Lions going 10-6 was 30% accurate.

Just the same, if Pat Robertson says woe is about to befall a US city this fall, I think that means that this fall is a good time to plan a trip to a major US city.

(Photo 'cuz you can never get enough Criswell)
UPDATE: Now Robertson's ravings make more sense.

Posted by Michael at 08:24 AM | Comments (7)

December 29, 2006

Quick and Stupid Thoughts About 2 Recent and 1 Impending Death

James Brown, 5/3/33-12/25/06. So now who ascends to the title of "Hardest Workin' Man In Show Business"?

Gerald Ford, 7/14/13-12/26/06. Bill Simmons asks if anyone else heard of Ford's death and immediately thought of the Dana Carvey/Tom Brokaw SNL sketch. Yes, Bill, many many of us did.

Saddam Hussein, 4/28/37-???. Once again, I have to go to a Godfather quote:

TESSIO: Tom? Can you get me off the hook? For old time's sake?
TOM HAGEN: [Sorry, I had to resign because I was the post-election scapegoat]

Before Saddam goes, take one last look at one of the greatest things in the history of the Internet.

Posted by Michael at 04:53 PM | Comments (0)

December 13, 2006

Lou Dobbs and the War on Christmas

Rabbi petitions Seattle airport to put a menorah next to its Christmas trees. Airport panics and removes trees. Full-blown wingnut freakout ensues. Lou Dobbs(!) smacks some sanity down on the table.

...Hang on, Christians, because you're in 21st Century America, and our culture celebrates your holiest day of the year with such insensitive gusto that our economy would suffer a serious setback if your religious sensibilities were as easily offended as those of the litigious rabbi.

More than 140 million shoppers spent an average of about $360 on Black Friday alone, the day after Thanksgiving and the unofficial kickoff to the Christmas shopping season, according to the National Retail Federation. And all those Christmas shoppers are expected to spend nearly a half-trillion dollars this shopping season.

Now if I were a fundamentalist Christian, that might strike me as a little politically incorrect. And I think all of you folks should think about suing somebody. You know, get in the spirit of the season.

I've never understood why the people who are "fighting to save Christmas" are fighting the wrong people. If you want it to be a dignified religious day, your quarrel is with the people who hijacked it years ago and turned it into a capitalist bacchanal of greed, stress and overplayed crappy music.

The people like me, who are not fundamentalist Christians but are nevertheless appalled by the whole spectacle, would be more than happy to help you separate the holy day from the holiday. Churchill and Stalin worked together against a common enemy; no reason we can't too. Anything to not hear "Jingle Bell Rock" again.

Posted by Michael at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2006

This Seems Like A Bad Idea

TODAY: Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin will take a golf shot from outside the international space station.

"NASA predicts that Tyurin's tee shot will re-enter Earth's atmosphere in three days and is not a threat to either the space station or the shuttle Discovery, set to launch December 7."

SATURDAY: Winnipeg Vaporized By Unexpected Meteorite.

"NASA said the object was only the size of a golf ball, but its rapid acceleration and pinpoint angle meant that, once it hit the Earth's atmosphere, it turned into a projectile with the force of 5 Hiroshima bombs."

SUNDAY: "What was that, a Titleist?" - Cosmo Kramer

*Yes, I realize this isn't the best week to reference Kramer, but nothing else would have worked.

Posted by Michael at 11:29 AM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2006

My Wonko the Sane Moment

"It seemed to me," said Wonko the Sane, "that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilzation in which I could live and stay sane." - Douglas Adams, So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish.

Wonko the Sane, born John Watson, has a nervous breakdown when he sees that a packet of toothpicks comes with instructions. He realizes that the problem is with the world, not him, so he changes his name, and pulls a little architectural magic to build The Asylum - an inverted house that tricks the eye into thinking the rest of the world is inside. So he can stay "outside", away from a world gone hopelessly soft and mad.

I offer this merely as a kind of explanation of what thoughts went through my mind when I found out they invented a car that parallel parks itself.

Posted by Michael at 11:29 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2006

Nerds Shot At While Waiting in PS3 Line

PUTNAM, Connecticut(AP) -- Two armed thugs tried to rob a line of people waiting to buy the new PlayStation 3 gaming console early Friday and shot one who refused to give up the money, authorities said.

Damn, these new games are getting more and more realistic.

Posted by Michael at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)

June 15, 2006

Prospective Tenants Cry Fowl

Posted by Michael at 07:19 PM | Comments (5)

March 01, 2006

Happy Nebraska Day

I'd be remiss not to mention that today is Nebraska Day. On March 1, 1867, the Union welcomed its 37th state. You may know Nebraska from its football championships (1970, 71, 94, 95, 97). Or its unicameral/nonpartisan legislature. Or perhaps its prestigious status as home of the Strategic Air Command or the college World Series.

You also probably know of some famous Nebraskans: Henry Fonda, Johnny Carson, Marg Helgenberger, Warren Buffett, Malcolm X, Bob Gibson, Willa Cather, and Larry the Cable Guy all were born or grew up there.

The state motto is "Equality Before the Law". The state song is "Beautiful Nebraska". The state insect is the honeybee, state bird the Western meadowlark, and the state drink is Kool-Aid (invented in Hastings in 1927).

I've personally been to Nebraska several times to visit Sooz's homeland. My personal recommendations: the Antiquarium, an awesome used book/music store near Omaha's Old Market. A Novel Idea, a great used book store in Lincoln. P.O. Pears in Lincoln. Mel's Bar in Scribner. And the town of Broken Bow, which gave Boston more than it can handle.

Here's my Nebraska photo gallery on Flickr.

Happy Birthday, Nebraska. Go Big Red!

Posted by Michael at 12:19 AM | Comments (2)

October 31, 2005

Quick Thoughts

Random items in no particular order:

Big sports weekend. Dad called Friday morning. "What are you doing Sunday night?" "Working till 7, why?" "Want to go to the Patriots game?" Um. Yeah. The fact that the seats were in the second row just sweetened the deal. The Pats are flawed - oh boy - but they eked out a win, and I had a great time. Gillette Stadium is just as amazing as everyone's said it is. I've got lots of pictures up.

More pictures, and more sports adventures with Dad: His book on the Red Sox has helped raise money for the Massachusetts ALS Society, who held a reception on Saturday with Curt Schilling (he's very involved with the cause). We went and I got some more pics.

Still trying to figure out who to blame for the Theo Epstein debacle. This is going to be harder to untangle than the Bay of Pigs, but my gut reaction is that Larry Lucchino pulled the trigger -- almost literally -- on Theo, and used noted frontrunner Dan Shaughnessy to write a kiss-of-death column. Hey, Dan, why don't you mention that Theo is young a few more times? But at least you're still in good with the ownership. Rooting for this team doesn't get any easier.

Halloween costume: All I did was dress up in a coat and tie and pin an American flag pin to my lapel. And everyone correctly asked, "Are you dressed as a Republican?" Heh. Even though Boston.com lists me as a Media and Politics blogger, I haven't had it in me to write too much about current events. When's 2008?

Why do we still do this clock-changing crap? Is there anyone who doesn't get a little homicidal when it's fully dark at 5:30 PM?

Never mind. Less than 48 hours till the Celtics season starts.

Posted by Michael at 11:08 PM | Comments (2)

September 09, 2005

Words Fail

Almost two weeks since I voiced my worst fears about the fate of New Orleans...and it's been even worse than I imagined.

Because of moving and working and trying to figure out why we can't have two computers online at the same time in our new place, I haven't even attempted to organize my thoughts about the big tragedy and all the countless little tragedies happening down South. I've been checking some websites, though, where amazing reporting and commentary has been happening:

AmericaBlog has been doing its usual great job of following the news, and has sent a reporter into the center of the nightmare (scroll down till you see the posts by Kyle).

I've been reading Oliver's blog a lot; he's pointing fingers in the right directions and is ably handling the fact that he's got more than his fair share of Bushbot trolls clogging up his comments.

I've discovered how good Steve Gilliard at NewsBlog is. His post ripping the conservative mindset says it all.

And the single most appalling and unbelievable thing I've read yet...the story of two paramedics who had just finished a conference in New Orleans when Katrina hit, and their attempts to get out or get help. It's jaw-dropping. Read it and send it to everyone you know.

As for the "blame game", I'd like to say we have the luxury of figuring out what went wrong after the Gulf Coast is cleaned up. But with hurricane season still in full force, and the ever-terrifiying threat of terroristic terror, I'd like to think that the country would be able to handle multiple catastrophes at the same time. Not counting, of course, our self-made catastrophe in Iraq.

But at least someone's trying to tell us how to keep ourselves safe.

Posted by Michael at 09:19 AM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2005

New Orleans

October, 2000. I was working in the outer spiral of the dot-com-madness universe, making way too much money for my (admittedly-kickass) HTML table-designing skills. I had an eye doctor appointment one morning and got in late. My boss' boss ran up to me and said that no one else could go, but they wanted to send one web-monkey to New Orleans to "work" at our company's booth at the Voodoo Music Festival.

It took me 0.000004 seconds to decide. And it was the best "business trip" ever. I arrived in New Orleans on Friday afternoon, met up with the rest of my party, went to dinner at the Napoleon House restaurant (company expense) and then hit Bourbon Street for the first time. Beer, booze, beads - everything you've heard about it is true. My friend Chris stumbled over me at one point and said, "Dude...we're getting paid to look at [the nightlife]."

Saturday we had to work. By "work", I mean hand out glowsticks and stickers to teenaged Southern girls while Ben Harper, Live, Counting Crows and Blues Traveler played 100 yards away from us. Occasionally, we'd take a well-earned break to wander over to the other stage. We saw Eminem. We saw Cypress Hill backstage. While we were cleaning up after our stage's show ended, the sounds of Stone Temple Pilots drifted over the fairgrounds. A long, hot day, but we left with the satisfaction of a tough job well done.

On Sunday morning, most of my party headed back to Boston, but I had decided to spend an extra day down there, on my own nickel. Sunday morning was the obligatory beignets and coffee at Cafe du Monde (actually, I took my breakfast up to the riverbank and watched the barges go up and down the river). Then I wandered up through Jackson Square and back to Bourbon Street for a little souvenir-shopping. I have never in my life smelled a smell like Bourbon Street on Sunday morning, and I never hope to again. I survived long enough to go into a couple of shops (including the singular Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo), then prepared for my solo assault on the French Quarter that night.

Frankly, that Sunday night's a bit hazy. I remember settling on the Olde Absinthe House, 'cause I liked the name. I remember that the Raiders game was on TV, and I remember insouciantly nodding when the waitress asked me if I wanted another Sazerac. I remember getting into a long discussion about God-knows-what with some middle-aged ladies from Indiana or someplace. I remember pretending to be somebody's boyfriend so some guys from Illinois or someplace would leave her alone (actually, now I'm pretty sure that that was on Friday night, and that may be a story for another day). And I don't remember getting back to my hotel, but I must have, since all my luggage and I made it home safely Monday morning.

So.

All of this reminscing, of course, since every indication is that the city of New Orleans may not exist in 24 hours. It's just amazing to think about. I can only think of two other instances - Chicago 1876 and San Francisco 1906 - when a major U.S. city has actually been destroyed. And they rebuilt; if the worst-case scenario happens, I can't imagine New Orleans being rebuilt in any resemblance of its current location or configuration.

Apart from the horrific tales of damage and devastation we're certain to hear over the next few days, which might be too much to even think about, a city that's unique and precious and just awesome is in mortal peril. And there's nothing anyone can do, except hope for the best.

Hang in there, New Orleans.

Posted by Michael at 07:28 PM | Comments (1)

July 27, 2005

Good Stuff

Some good stuff amidst the summer blahs.

The good news: Sooz and I found a great apartment right in the heart of Allston. There's a Herrell's right on the corner and it's right down the street from the Sunset Grill, where I had the best beer I've ever tasted in my life (the Anderson Valley Summer Solstice) as well as about 299 other beers available.

The better news: I'm an uncle! My brother Steve and his wife Debbie had their little peanut arrive last week: Aaron Joseph. Congratulations to the three of them. Aaron, I'll try to have my movie countdown done by the time you're 30.

Posted by Michael at 11:32 PM | Comments (6)

July 19, 2005

Not That I Advocate Violence

I don't want to encourage or incite anything, but....

Let's just say that if I hear in the news that someone's on trial for killing a spammer, I may be motivated to cough up $50 for their legal defense fund.

And if the defendant is charged with building a machine into which they place the spammer, and the machine gives the spammer dozens of little paper cuts, and as the spammer attends to each little paper cut, the machine gives them a dozen more little paper cuts until they slowly bleed to death, unable to tend to each of their hundred little paper cuts...

That felt really good to write. And I'd be happy to file a friend-of-the-court brief.

Posted by Michael at 10:28 AM | Comments (1)

July 10, 2005

The Week That Was

Some snippets from a week that seemed at once 4 hours and 3 months long:

London. It's a little telling to see the British reaction to an act of terrorism versus the American reaction. Granted, Wednesday's bombings weren't even remotely comparable to knocking two skyscrapers down, but I've seen very little evidence that the British public is scrambling around looking for someone to attack. Maybe it's because they've been through it before, maybe it's because their national character isn't to turn tragedies into something they're not. You'll notice that in the past 40 years, there was never a huge English sentiment to turn Ireland into a glass parking lot.

And via Digby, we have an award for the Stupid Bush comment of the week:

"We will stay on the offense, fighting the terrorists abroad so we do not have to face them at home."

George, some people actually consider London to be "home". And it does make one wonder if the people we're fighting abroad are actually the terrorists.

Karl Rove. Interesting to see if the media really cares that he was the leak. Best-case scenario from the Democrats' POV is a Starr-like investigation of everything in the Bush White House and the word "treason" being thrown about. Most likely outcome: a quiet resignation and a fall-2006 premiere of "Inside Info With Karl Rove" on Fox.

Real life. Went to Kevin's event on Thursday; he read from Bookmark Now!, brought along Paul Collins (it turns out I'd read his book Banvard's Folly a couple of years ago and really liked it), and then I got to hang out with him at a Sooz-organized post-event dinner. He's a great guy and you really should buy his book.

New blog. CelticsBlog.com fills all the gaping holes left by the Boston media in covering the team I really care about. It's worth a daily check.

New movie review! And then there were thirty-two.

Posted by Michael at 10:20 PM | Comments (0)

June 29, 2005

Bush's Speech

I missed it.

I was home with the folks watching the NBA Draft (Gerald Green? An athletic, explosive young player who was tabbed to go as high as #3, falling inexpicably to #18? Yes, please.) and the Red Sox game (I think it's officially time to push the Bullpen Panic Button).

Did anyone see it? Did Bush say we have to keep fighting in Iraq so we don't forget 9/11?

(checks CNN)

Oh. Yup.

6/29 UPDATE: Mike gets to the heart of the speech: a new logo! I think my mind might be turning around on my old colossal-waste-of-military-capital opinion.

Posted by Michael at 12:35 AM | Comments (1)

June 10, 2005

I Got A Baton

So I finally got one of those chain-letter-meme-post-batons that zip around blogworld. I was getting a little miffed that no one's invited me yet. Thanks, Sooz!

1.) How much music on the hard drive? 1,302 files, 4.6 gigs. Though that's not really fair, because I deleted a whole bunch to make room for a game which it turns out my aged graphics card can't handle. To truly measure my nerdliness, it's worth pointing out that in preparation for the April road trip, I put my whole library on 70 CDs for the car -- what we affectionately refer to as "The Poor Man's iPod".

2.) What's the last CD you bought? (thinking...thinking...) It's been a hell of a long time. Probably the overproduced new(ish) Liz Phair one, which I don't believe I've even listened to all the way through.

3.) Song playing right now: Oh baby pleeeeeeeeeease.....give a little respeeeect...tooooooo meeeeeeeee! (Erasure)

4.) Five songs that I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me: In no particular order:

"Corduroy", Pearl Jam. Trying to pick just one Pearl Jam song is a pointless exercise, but what can you do?

I don't want to take what you can give
I would rather starve than eat your bread
I would rather run but I can't walk
Guess I'll lie alone just like before

"Tonight, Tonight", Smashing Pumpkins. Love these lyrics:

We'll crucify the insincere tonight, tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight, tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight, tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight, tonight
The impossible is possible tonight, tonight
Believe in me as i believe in you, tonight

"Where The Streets Have No Name", U2. Seeing them do this song live a few years ago....wow.

The city's a flood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled in dust
I'll show you a place
High on a desert plain
Where the streets have no name

"Fly", Moxy Fruvous. A heartbreaking song about love and loss.

And she held his hand to follow
And he held his breath, then let go
They crouched down low
Sat in the front row
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight
Let's get it just right
We'll take our last flight
You and I

"Ol '55", Tom Waits

And now the sun's coming up
I'm riding with Lady Luck
Freeway, cars and trucks
Stars beginning to fade
And I lead the parade
Just wishing I'd stayed a little longer
Oh, Lord, let me tell you that the feeling's getting stronger

And finally just for fun: "Rock Superstar", Cypress Hill. This would definitely be my walkup song if I were a baseball player.

Studio gangster, mack,
Sign the deal
Thinks he's gonna make a mil
But never will
'Til he crosses over
Still filling your head with fantasies
Come with me
Show the sacrifice it takes to make the cheese

5. Where does the baton go next? Too bad most of my slacker friends have no web presence! I'll send it on to The Bunny, Bookdwarf, and you, the reader. Have at it.

Posted by Michael at 10:52 PM | Comments (0)

June 05, 2005

Greatest American Update

OK, the chaff has been separated. They've named the Top 25, and you can vote up to 3 times a week. I'll quickly rank the greatness of the Final 25 (my original comments still hold):

1. Thomas Jefferson
2. Martin Luther King
3. Abraham Lincoln
4. Benjamin Franklin
5. Thomas Edison
6. George Washington
7. Franklin D. Roosevelt
8. Albert Einstein
9. John F. Kennedy
10. The Wright Brothers
11. Eleanor Roosevelt
12. Rosa Parks
13. Muhammad Ali
14. Walt Disney
15. Elvis Presley
16. Neil Armstrong
17. Bob Hope
18. Bill Clinton
19. Bill Gates
20. Ronald Reagan
21. Billy Graham
22. Henry Ford
23. Oprah Winfrey
24. Lance Armstrong
25. George W. Bush

My sister pointed out something I missed: Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen weren't on the list. Considering how heavy the list was oriented toward people who were famous in the last 10 years, this is an outrage.

And remember, folks - your countrymen actually seem to think that Lance Armstrong and Oprah are greater Americans than Teddy Roosevelt and Frederick Douglass. Remember that when you start to wonder why you feel out-of-place.

Posted by Michael at 11:16 PM | Comments (1)

June 04, 2005

Believe It Or Not

How can I resist this? The Discovery Channel is about to show a special that will select the Greatest American. They've whittled the millions who've lived in this country down to 100, selected by average Americans, who don't do much to dispel the stereotype of themselves as myopic clods with microscopic attention spans. Let's review and grade the hundred:

1. Muhammad Ali (1942-). Heavyweight boxing champ; lightning rod of racial controversy in the Sixties. Has risen from his controversy to become a pretty-much-universally beloved figure. B+.
2. Maya Angelou (1928-). Has written lots of poetry and autobiographical books about her experiences growing up black in America. None of which I've read or, frankly, plan to. C+.
3. Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906). Suffragette, early feminist, pictured on the dollar coin that everyone thinks is a quarter at first. I guess she belongs on the list. B+.
4. Neil Armstrong (1930-). First man to walk on the moon, if you believe that NASA didn't make the whole thing up. B.
5. Lance Armstrong (1971-). Survived cancer (bet you didn't know that) and won the Tour de France a whole bunch of times. Wins a lot of "Greatest Athlete" awards from people who vote as if they're being monitored. Decent cameo in "Dodgeball", but that's not enough to make the list. F.
6. Lucille Ball (1911-1989). America's first beloved TV star. Kept going to the club when Ricky was working. D+.
7. Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922). Invented the telephone; he'd be a shoo-in if he hadn't indirectly been culpable in telemarketing and the "Can You Hear Me Now" guy. But, hey, it's still fun to call bowling alleys and ask if they have 12-pound balls. A-.
8. Barbara Bush (1925-). Married a mediocre President and spawned a litter of crooks and liars. They couldn't have chosen, say, Abigail Adams?!? F.
9. George H.W. Bush (1924-). The 20th Century's answer to Chester A. Arthur. D-.
10. George W. Bush (1946-). The quintessential American success story. Born to a family of sharecroppers, Bush parlayed his natural savvy and unblemished military record into a string of successful business ventures. He won three World Series' as owner of the Texas Rangers, and united the country into voting him into the White House with a sweeping election victory in 2000. From there things only got better, as Bush ended terrorism, hunger and stem cell research. A+++.

Dammit. Look what happens when I leave my computer for a second. Grade: W. It suits him, and it's 17 letters below F.

11. Laura Bush (1946-). The 21st Century's answer to Lucretia Rudolph Garfield. F.
12. Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919). Not the "How To Win Friends And Influence People" guy, but a steel magnate and a major force in the charity world. I'm a little touched that Americans picked him instead of, say, Clay Aiken. B+.
13. Johnny Carson (1925-2005). Big-time talk-show host, comedian and TV presence for decades. Not quite the academic clout of Faulkner, but he'll do. B-.
14. Jimmy Carter (1924-). If you leave out those unfortunate four years as leader of the free world, has built a pretty solid reputation as a humanitarian and peacemaker. Plus, the very sight of him still pisses Republicans off. B-.
15. George Washington Carver (1864?-1943). All I remembered learning about him is that he invented peanuts, which doesn't seem quite true. But he was apparently a brilliant natural scientist and one of the first black Americans to show those white supremacist dirtbags up, so he gets a solid A.
16. Ray Charles (1930-2004). Soul singer with a long and distinguished career. He's great, don't get me wrong, but I think the bar for "Greatest American" must be set a wee bit higher. D-.
17. Cesar Chavez (1927-1993). Labor activist, farming activist, crusader for migrant workers. I'm genuinely shocked Americans remembered to put him on their list. B.
18. Hillary Rodham Clinton (1947-). Took the phrase "Stand By Your Man" to entirely new places. I think time's gonna tell where she ends up on this list 50 years from now; for now she makes half the country hate her, and the other half like her just 'cause the first half get so red-faced and worked up over her. Grade: Incomplete, but probably around a D right now.
19. Bill Clinton (1946-). Um. See Hillary. I do wonder, though, how 1993-2001 would have gone if he hadn't had to spend his entire Presidency literally dodging urine-filled balloons from Republican House Leadership. Notable for making stuffy TV anchors and George F. Will actually have to mention oral sex on the air. C+.
20. Bill Cosby (1937-). TV star, comedian and occasional social lighting-rod. May have done more with "Reading Rainbow" than anytime since. Another case where a not-as-famous painter or novelist might have been a slightly better choice. C-.

21. Tom Cruise (1962-). You have got to be freaking kidding me. F-.
22. Ellen DeGeneres (1958-). Would be ranked with any number of slightly funny comedians except for the fact that she was one of the first famous people to come out. Except for that, I'd give the nod to Paula Poundstone, who has some issues of her own. D.
23. Walt Disney (1901-1966). Issues with the omnipresence of his Empire notwithstanding, he did create some of the most beloved and lasting characters in pop-culture history...and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad kicks ass! I'd like to see him win, just to see if they defrost him to accept the award. B+.
24. Frederick Douglass (1818-1895). One of the first leaders of the genesis of the Civil Rights Movement. Inspires a vague feeling in a lot of people that they probably should know more about him. A-.
25. Amelia Earhart (1897-1937?). Aviation and feminist pioneer. Of course, it didn't end well, but we can't really hold that against her. After all, even with 60 more years of technology, we can't really guarantee your luggage won't end up in Cincinnati without you. B.
26. Clint Eastwood (1930-). Personification of the Western hero and tough guy. Has gone on to a pretty remarkable career as a director. Another good film star elevated to this list by Americans' nearsightedness. D.
27. Thomas Edison (1847-1931). I've got no argument with this guy. Interesting note from his bio: "His first patent was for a vote-recording machine -- which was deemed impractical." So he's still relevant today. Solid A+.
28. John Edwards (1953-). I hope to hear more from him in the future...but come on. It's a little early to be on this list. Grade: Incomplete, but not passing yet.
29. Albert Einstein (1879-1955). Only lived in the US for fifteen years, but I think any country would jump at the chance to claim this guy. A+.
30. Dwight Eisenhower (1890-1969). Celebrated war general and President. Can't argue with this. A.

31. Brett Favre (1969-). Methinks the ballot boxes were stuffed like cheddar into bratwurst. Greatest American? Um. No. F.
32. Henry Ford (1863-1947). I'm torn. He did revolutionize industry and was decent to his workers, but he was a raving bigot by all accounts. And since this isn't like the TIME "Man Of The Year", where you can be a bad guy and still win, the "Greatest American" shouldn't be a guy who thought the Jews were out to get him. So all in all he earns a D.
33. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790). See, this is what I'm talking about. If someone asked you out of nowhere, "Who's the Greatest American ever?", Ben's gotta be one of the first three names that pop into your head. Not Brett Favre. I mean, honestly. A+.
34. Bill Gates (1955-). Say what you want about him, but if it hadn't been him, the fine line between "blogger" and "guy cursing under his breath at the bar" would be even blurrier than it is already. B-. Unless you're reading this on a Mac, in which case D--.
35. Mel Gibson (1956-). It's occurring to me that maybe the people at the Discovery Channel are just having fun with us. F-.
36. Rudolph Giuliani (1944-). I'll let my friend YHE take this one. Whenever anyone tells him they admire the resolve and grit Rudy showed in the fall of 2001, he yells, "He was just doing his job!!!!!" Lest we forget that on September 10th, a lot of people didn't like him all that much. C-.
37. John Glenn (1921-). A true pioneer in space exploration. Such an all-around decent-seeming guy that I don't even really want to make a joke. A-.
38. Billy Graham (1918-). Without knowing too much about him (so I could be wrong), he seems like a religious leader who's managed to stay on the good side of the dividing line between inspiring a lot of people and just pissing everybody else off. So a qualified C.
39. Alexander Hamilton (1757-1804). The Founding Father best known for being on the $10 bill and getting shot in a duel. Kind of a snoot, but it's hard to say no to a Founding Father. A-.
40. Tom Hanks (1956-). If you had told me in 1985 that one of the stars of "Bosom Buddies" would be on this list in 20 years, I probably would have picked Hanks over Scolari. I can't give a current movie star a real high spot on this list, but Hanks does radiate that Jimmy Stewart vibe, and he's been in a lot of good flicks. Major loss of points for "You've Got Mail", though. C.

41. Hugh Hefner (1926-). Wins hands-down (if not pants-down) in the "American I'd Like to Have Traded Lives With" contest. But Greatest Ever? Only 74,219 women know for sure. C.
42. Katharine Hepburn (1907-2003). I'm pretty sure that an objective panel wouldn't have 65 movie stars (a rough count) as the 100 greatest Americans. But you could do a lot worse than Kate. C.
43. Bob Hope (1903-2003). Maybe I could make a case against him, but I won't. He was an icon of screens big and small for almost a century, which is a hell of a lot more than I've accomplished. B.
44. Howard Hughes (1905-1976). Anyone want to take bets on whether he'd be on this list if that movie hadn't come out last year? Anyone? Didn't think so. So if you'll all please quietly forget about him, and let me go back to searching for my copy of the will Howard wrote to me on his deathbed. D+.
45. Michael Jackson (1958-1992 (when he was replaced with the robot)). Despite all the prominent Republicans on this list, there's only one of the hundred whose face makes me twitch in horror and throw a shoe at my TV set. Well, two (GWB). F----.
46. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826). Yes, he owned slaves. It sucks and it's a stain on his legacy and there's no valid excuse for it. But Tom's my pick for #1. End of story. A+.
47. Steve Jobs (1955-). What'd I give Bill? (scrolls up) A B-. Sounds good.
48. Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973). What do you give the man who launched the civil rights laws in the '60s but also got us stuck in Vietnam? I suppose the most solid C on the list.
49. Michael Jordan (1963-). I love the NBA as much as nearly anyone alive, but a basketball player can really only get so high a grade on the "Greatest American" scale. Unless, of course, he wore green. C-.
50. Helen Keller (1880-1968). I'm sarcastic, cynical, and jaded -- but you're not gonna catch me dumping on Helen Keller, for God's sake. A-.

51. John F. Kennedy (1917-1963). Sure, there were the Bay of Pigs and the beginnings of Vietnam. But it's been 42 years since we've had a President who I wish could have served for 20 years, just to see how much he could have made of this country while he was in office. A.
52. Robert F. Kennedy (1925-1968). It's been 37 years since we've had a Presidential candidate who I wish could have served for 20 years, just to see how much he could have made of this country while he was in office. A.
53. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (1929-1994). Probably the second best First Lady ever, I suppose. Make what you will of that. B-.
54. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968). Rest assured that if MLK turns out to win the contest, you wouldn't hear a peep out of me. A+.
55. Rush Limbaugh (1951-). Rest assured that if he turns out to win the contest, you would most certainly hear a peep out of me, if your definition of "peep" includes the words "hostage situation" and "fifty U.S. Marshals". F----.
56. Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865). Thanks to Bill and Ted, I didn't even have to look up his birth year. It's a cruel twist of fate and the alphabet that Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln bracket Rush Limbaugh. In honor of this coincidence, tomorrow's lunch will be steamed clams for an appetizer, a grilled cow pie for the entree, and tiramisu for dessert. A+.
57. Charles Lindbergh (1902-1974). Since I haven't read Philip Roth's alternate-history novel where Lindy is elected President and turns the US towards fascism, I'll have to go by his actual record, which stands by itself. A-.
58. George Lucas (1944-). Has shown that in America, you can coast off one or two really good ideas for over 25 years. That's inspirational, in a weird way. D.
59. Madonna (1958-). You're joking, right? F.
60. Malcolm X (1925-1965). Sort of the bad-cop to MLK's good-cop during the Sixties. I really oughtta watch that movie soon. B.

61. Dr. Phil McGraw (1950-). When I think of the all-time Great Americans, the list goes Jefferson, Lincoln, King, and Doctor Freaking Phil. Now I know the Discovery Channel is just screwing with our heads. F----.
62. Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962). Maybe it's just me -- but it seemed to me she lived her life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set it. I would have liked to have known her, but I wasn't yet a kid. Her candle burned out long before her legend ever did. But hubba hubba. C-.
63. Michael Moore (1954-). I'll put A+, just beccause I haven't gotten any poorly spelled hate mail yet in 2005. OMG MiCHAel M00r IS teh FAT!!!!!
64. Audie Murphy (1924-1971). Since I know he won't take the #1 spot on the list, I don't begrudge him making the final hundred. A war hero and actor who I frankly don't know a hell of a lot about. >B.
65. Richard Nixon (1913-1994). If by "Great American" you mean "Conniving crook who botched Vietnam and resigned in disgrace": A. If you mean "person who makes you proud to have shared a country with him", not so much. D.
66. Barack Obama (1961-). Shhhhh. Give him time. Grade: Incomplete.
67. Jesse Owens (1913-1980). Just by being his amazingly talented self, managed to give a public metaphorical middle finger to Hitler in 1936. I'm down with that. B+.
68. Rosa Parks (1913-). Another nominee who I'm not even tempted to make a joke about. A-.
69. George Patton (1885-1945). Kicked the hell out of Nazis in Europe and Africa. And it was a good movie. A.
70. Colin Powell (1937-). The one Republican in Bush's Cabinet that we really, really, really wanted to like. I hope for his sake his WMD speech at the U.N. doesn't go down in history with Khrushchev slamming his shoe on the podium. And I hope for America's sake that he publicly and vehemently renounces his Republicanism. We'll forgive you, Colin, I swear. C-.

71. Elvis Presley (1935-). The biggest rock star ever. And he was so good to his mama. B+.
72. Ronald Reagan (1911-2004). I think my views on Ronald Reagan have been amply noted. I'll give him a B- just for being such a uniquely American character, and to keep the hate mail juuust on this side of actual death threats. Too bad the Reagan Memorial Library has already run up $600 billion in debt.
73. Christopher Reeve (1952-2004). His personal tragedy and heartfelt advocacy are remarkable. But the way he spat out "General...care to step outside?" in Superman II sealed the deal. C+.
74. Condoleezza Rice (1954-). It's 3 AM, and I can't muster up the energy I need to fill this space with how I feel about Condi. Talk amongst yourselves. D.
75. Jackie Robinson (1919-1972). Dear white people: have you noticed how many of these 100 finalists are black Americans who are considered heroes just because they were the first to stand up and do their jobs in the face of immense bigotry and hatred? If we get the chance to do this whole America thing over again, can we do it without the centuries of slavery and oppression and see how many more heroes we could have seen blossom into something even bigger? Thanks. Yours, Michael. A.
76. Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962). Probably the best First Lady ever. And thus, I suppose, the Greatest American Woman. So she gets a C. Just kidding, ladies! A-.
77. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945). Yup. A+.
78. Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919). OK. A.
79. Babe Ruth (1895-1948). Now that the Red Sox have won the World Series, I can look at this objectively without visions of Dan Shaughnessy selling another book dancing in my head. I guess being the most famous person in the country for decades must count for something. B.
80. Carl Sagan (1934-1996). Brilliant astronomer and activist. This country would do well to crank out more Carl Sagans and fewer Dr. Phils, in my humble opinion. C.

81. Jonas Salk (1914-1995). Cured polio, for God's sake. It's slightly more impressive than QBing the Packers, even if Salk never threw a touchdown in his life. B.
82. Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-). Is on this list because...well, it's because...I think...because...um. I actually don't have the slightest idea why he's on this list. He's hardly American, and hardly great. It's certainly not for "The Running Man". F-.
83. Frank Sinatra (1915-1998). Think of all the nicknames you could possible acquire in your lifetime. If you can come up with one cooler than "The Chairman of the Board", you let me know right away. B.
84. Joseph Smith (1805-1844). Somehow managed to come up with an organized religion that seemed even stranger than the existing organized religions. That's no small feat. But as soon as someone comes up with an organized religion that's not so big on banning alcohol and caffeine, and gets an entire U.S. State out of it...then we're in business. C-.
85. Steven Spielberg (1946-). Yeah, I guess. If you're going to put Hollywood types high on the list, might as well. And Steve, if you're reading this, shoot me a line; I've got a couple ideas in the hopper I'd love to work on with you. C.
86. Jimmy Stewart (1908-1997). I've gained a lot more appreciation for Jimmy since I started the AFI countdown. He's the quintessential American. B.
87. Martha Stewart (1941-). I'm trying to recreate the mathematical formula in which you can input the values "arts and crafts", "media empire" and "jail time" and get the result "Greatest American". Any eggheads out there want to nudge me in the right direction? F.
88. Nikolai Tesla (1856-1943). Made huge advances in science and electricity. Overshadowed the criminally underrated Charles Proteus Steinmetz. There never was a hair band named Steinmetz, you'll note. B-.
89. Pat Tillman (1976-2004). Not to pee on anyone's parade, but come on. You think maybe we could have thrown Andy Warhol or Ernest Hemingway in the mix? D-.
90. Harry S Truman (1884-1972). A solid President, but one that doesn't elicit a lot of fervor on either the pro- or con-side. I'm just glad it wasn't me who had to decide whether or not to nuke Japan. B+.

91. Donald Trump (1946-; hair 1983-). I can't make a comment without blowing a fuse or saying a lot of bad words. F---.
92. Harriet Tubman (1820?-1913). When it comes to Great Americans -- people who have made this country what it is -- the only thing Donald Trump and Harriet Tubman have in common is the "T" in their surname. Switch their roles in history, and he would have called it the Trumperground Railroad. You know he'd have done it. My God. He's poisoning the rest of the list!!! A.
93. Mark Twain (1835-1910). I want to invent time travel. And I want to discover the Fountain of Youth. And I want to bestow both their benefits on Twain just so he could have lived long enough that we'd get to hear what he'd say about George W. Bush. Something along the lines of, "You could lay a trap in the night and catch ten better men", would be my guess. A.
94. Sam Walton (1918-1992). I don't know how much of it was Sam, and how much of it was the machine that took over after his death. But I have seen the future, I have seen the return of the feudal system, and there's a big-ass yellow smiley face all over it. D.
95. George Washington (1732-1799). First in war, first in peace, about sixth on my list. A.
96. John Wayne (1907-1979). Rugged, sturdy, stoic ... the archetypal American male of the Forties and Fifties. Might not have gotten that rep if he'd still been named Marion Morrison. B+.
97. Oprah Winfrey (1954-). Built a media empire on a TV show and magazine that nobody I know ever has ever watched or read. Maybe that says more about me and my hipster friends than it does about Oprah. Then again, I never sprung Doctor Phil on an unwary populace, so I feel pretty good about my place in this showdown. D.
98. Tiger Woods (1975-). Never has someone combined so much talent with so little joie de vivre. Then again, maybe I'm just cranky because he's younger than me and his socks probably cost more than my salary. Then again, he's a freaking golf pro. F.
99A and 99B. Orville and Wilbur Wright (1871/1867-1948/1912). Do you think they got tired of always being put together on lists like this one? I'm tempted to give them separate grades just to be contrarian, but the only way anyone could ever tell them apart was between 1912 and 1948, when Wilbur was dead and Orville wasn't. Still, their place in history is secure if crowded. A.
100. Chuck Yeager (1923-). Secured the spot as the "fastest man alive", which may not be the reputation you'd necessarily want. But what has he done for us lately? C.

So without ranking them all, here are my top and bottom 5:

1. Thomas Jefferson, 2. Martin Luther King, 3. Abraham Lincoln, 4. Benjamin Franklin, 5. Thomas Edison.

96. Mel Gibson. 97. Donald Trump. 98. Rush Limbaugh. 99. Doctor Phil. 100. Michael Jackson.

I anxiously await the special.

Posted by Michael at 01:25 AM | Comments (7)

May 18, 2005

The Force Is Strong In This One

I hadn't been paying all that much attention to the "Star-Wars-as-political-parable" meme that's been lurking on the Internets. But then I read Greg's take on it. It's a real interesting read.

Posted by Michael at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)

May 10, 2005

Yep, These Are My Countrymen

The Smoking Gun has compiled a selection of emails received in the wake of the Jennifer Wilbanks boondoggle (you remember: the white girl who wandered off before her wedding and became the subject of a national fianceehunt). I especially love numbers 7,15,22,23 and 24; I'd love to play Clue with the people who wrote those.

I link to this because it's interesting to me what exercises my fellow Americans' interest and anger. (And when I say "interesting", I mean "top-of-the-water-cooler-with-a-machine-gun-infuriating.") But is Americans' fascination with the stupid the effect of the pathetic American media, or the cause?

If the media had blared out (or, frankly, even hinted at) the Iraq memo, would people have gotten fired up about that? At stuff like this line?

Bush wanted to remove Saddam, through military action, justified by the conjunction of terrorism and WMD. But the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy.

Is it just that the media are keeping people in a sheeplike daze, so they don't have to actually break a sweat investigating something? Or do people really care more about runaway brides, Michael Jackson, and American Idol?

And do I really want to know the answer to that?

Posted by Michael at 01:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 11, 2005

Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Goodbye

At a rough estimate, I've spent 14% of my waking hours since 2000 deleting spam. Email spam, comment spam, track-back spam...I'd go on, except I'm starting to feel like a Monty Python skit.

So it's with a bit of malicious glee that I see notorious spammer Jeremy Jaynes may spend 9 years in prison.

I know that a reasonable case can be made that the punishment doesn't fit the crime; with muggers and molesters able to roam free, it's a waste of society's resources to jail spammers. But hey, this is America. I hardly give a crap until it affects me personally.

If spammers weren't as insidious as cockroaches, I'd think this might mean something. Oh well. I just hope someone gets his cellmate's name. I wonder if he'd be interested in some discount \/!@GARA.

Posted by Michael at 10:41 PM | Comments (1)

April 07, 2005

Mankind Seeks to Control the Sun

"Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing...block it out!" - C. Montgomery Burns

I like the idea of extending Daylight Savings Time. It really puts a hop in your step the first time you realize that it's 7:30 and still fairly light out. In fact, I'd be happy never to go back to the days of the 4 p.m. sunset. So I like this bill.

But Ed Markey, who was my Congressman when I lived in Arlington, threw in this head-scratcher:

"The more daylight we have, the less electricity we use"

I just don't see how even an act of Congress can actually increase the amount of daylight.

Posted by Michael at 11:25 AM | Comments (0)

March 31, 2005

Dear Protestors

Since your 24-hour vigil over Terri's bedside might be ending any time now, I'd hate to see your trip to Florida be a total waste.

So here's a list of social services in Pinellas County, and here's a list of volunteer opportunities in the Tampa Bay Area. If you like marine life, they need help with manatee research, and the local crisis center can always use a helping hand.

This, of course, assuming you might want to use some of that energy helping someone who has a snowball's chance in hell of benefitting from/appreciating it.

Posted by Michael at 12:09 AM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2005

Pee-Thetic

The Poor Man is giving up on CNN:

They have two people on, right now, discussing how much urine Terri Schiavo did or did not produce last night, and what amount of urine would be considered a “miraculous” amount of urine.

CNN. Your Number One source of news.

Posted by Michael at 12:53 PM | Comments (1)

But No Donuts In Sight

Across the street from my office, there's a small parking lot, They're doing construction work there. The parking lot is empty, it's closed to traffic. Yet there's a uniformed cop on detail, on a 55-degree day*, probably making $40 an hour.

Pretty nice racket, huh?

*(That may not sound like much to some of you, but trust me. If you've been in Boston the last 6 months, 55 degrees feels like Aruba.)

Posted by Michael at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2005

Hippo P.S.A.

If...if...any regular readers of this site think that maybe getting a pet hippo is a good idea, here's a cautionary tale.

Posted by Michael at 02:20 PM | Comments (5)

March 01, 2005

The Family That Flays Together

An amusing little anecdote from Jerry Falwell - reminiscing about the time his father skinned and cooked a one-legged man's cat and served it to him for dinner. And by "amusing", of course, I mean "sickening, but explaining a lot about Jerry".

(Found on The Talent Show)

Posted by Michael at 02:40 PM | Comments (0)

February 28, 2005

Precision

We have a Winter Storm Warning in effect until 11:09 tonight.

11:09.

It may be 4 inches of snow, it might be a foot, it might be more. It might change to rain or freezing rain or sleet or hail. It may track to the west of us, or the east, and we may or may not get more or less precipitation than they get on the Cape or some vague points to the north and west of the city.

But whatever happens, it's comforting to know that at 11:10 PM, it will all be over.

Posted by Michael at 04:21 PM | Comments (3)

Priorities

I think a Day of Reckoning is coming soon in the category of "Where I Get My News From".

And the first factor to be considered will be "Does this news source include unsolicited pictures of Michael Jackson without any warning or any possibility to avoid them?"

Posted by Michael at 01:14 PM | Comments (0)

January 26, 2005

Sooz In the News

For a couple months now, Sooz has been part of a pilot program with a company called Marqui, who's offering a handful of bloggers a little stipend to blog about them. She doesn't have to rave about them, or make stuff up - just mention them every so often and keep the Marqui name out there. All of which she's very careful to label as specific entries, and frequently discloses that she's part of this program; unlike the Bush Administration's "pay for praise" program, it's all very transparent.

So it's odd that The Globe And Mail, a respectable Canadian newspaper, would write an article about the program, feature her and quote her site, without...y'know...talking to her. Odd.

They do find the time to talk to Jason Calcanis, who comes off as a professional busybody wringing his hands about the mixture of independent journalism and commercialism (you can read his entry about it here, just to the left of the big mortgage-company ad). He says that you create a conflict when you're "get[ting] paid for your editorial space". Sooz says that it's all on the table, and she's not unnecessarily saying anything positive about Marqui just for the sake of stroking the ego of her benefactor.

I agree with her, and not just 'cuz she's Sooz. The blogworld, despite the intentions of some Nosy Parkers, is what you/we make it. You don't need a license and a codified manual to blog (crap; I hope I didn't give anyone any ideas). As long as you're honest about what you're doing (unlike some of the Bush-shilling professional journalists), let's try some stuff out.

Posted by Michael at 11:29 PM | Comments (2)

January 22, 2005

Snow Time For Stupid Puns

Here's my beef: when the Pilgrims landed in Massachusetts, about 75% of them died the first winter, if my tenuous grasp of 5th-grade history is correct. Didn't it occur to the survivors, in the ensuing spring, to pack up and move the whole operation down to Maryland or North Carolina? Weren't they aiming for Virginia in the first place? But instead they chose to build a colony up here in the Blizzard Zone. Oh well. I suppose I could have moved. I'll just comfort myself with the fact that in many of the Red States, 1" of snow throws everyone into the proverbial handbasket.

I intend to take pictures over the course of the night. Check here for updates, then poke around Flickr for a while; it's an awesome photo-storing site.

Posted by Michael at 07:38 PM | Comments (1)

January 14, 2005

A Reminder

Things we can't talk about anymore:

1. Osama Bin Laden
2. The anthrax letters
3. The fact that the invasion of Iraq was pitched to America 90% on the strength of "Iraq has WMDs" and...
3a. the nonexistent 9/11-Saddam link
4. Walmart's terrible scourge on the nation
5. The Celtics' defense (OK, I don't want to talk about it)

Instead, try these sure-fire conversation bits:

1. Saddam Hussein. Still in prison!
2. Dan Rather. Yeah, in this country, when you rely on questionable documentation for real or perceived political gain, you suffer the consequences! (*does not apply within Washington Beltway)
3. The war with Eastasia was never about WMD. It was about removing a dangerous tyrant (admittedly, one of about 26 potential dangerous tyrants) from power.
3a. We were never at war with Eurasia. We have always been at war with Eastasia.
4. Oh, go ahead and order something from Walmart, if you must.
5. Um. Go Pats?

Posted by Michael at 01:25 AM | Comments (1)

December 17, 2004

If You Need Me, I'll Be On The Bus

The FCC, while they're not busy sorting through Astroturf indecency complaints from "outraged" viewers, is about to allow passengers on airplanes to use cell phones.

So in other words, that stuff about interfering with radar and vital jet communications was hogwash. Or Cingular made an offer they couldn't refuse. But anyway, not to worry, because:

"The ability to communicate is a vital one, but good cell phone etiquette is also essential," FCC Commissioner Jonathan Adelstein said. "Our job is to see if this is possible and then let consumers work out the etiquette."

This oughtta be good. Because when I think of the word "etiquette", the two things that come to mind are cell-phone addicts and air travellers. Because Lord knows that while I have two elbows in my ribs, the overhead compartment is creaking ominously above me (I think someone decided a full coffin was a suitable carry-on), and the kids two rows behind me, whose parents have abdicated every smidgen of responsibility for the next 3 1/2 hours, are reenacting Lord of the Flies, I need Tammy telling Cindy about how Roger was cheating on Missy on my right, and the "can you hear me now" guy to my left, all the way to Milwaukee.

I'll fix this in a hurry. First time I fly, I'm going to figure out a way to set my ring-tone to the sound of adhan and encourage everyone I know to call me when I'm in the air. Man, after that emergency landing, passengers will be strapped in and sedated on every flight from now till the end of time!

Posted by Michael at 02:25 AM | Comments (2)

December 13, 2004

The World Is Safe Again

The only murderer in America (well, what do you expect? I only have time to watch TV news) was sentenced to death today, and so a new Golden Age is upon us. Once the formality of Scott Peterson's neck being broken on live TV by Schwarzenegger is over, we can all start leaving our doors unlocked and letting our kids run in the streets (well, once Michael Jackson goes in front of the firing squad) and follow our own particular paths to peace, wealth and religious fulfillment. The people cheering outside the courthouse? You've earned it, baby. This is a proud day in America.

But you know who I feel bad for? The TV News Directors. This Peterson circus was a freaking gold mine for them, and the mine's about to dry up. Someone's going to have to step up soon and kill another pretty white girl (bonus points if she's pregnant) or do something outrageous. Otherwise the American people might start thinking about other things...like the fact that the number of Iraqi civilians killed by BushCo is closing in on 15,000. Which, I guess, means we've avenged September 11 five times over! With no end in sight!

American justice! Taste it, baby!

(Editor's note: in response to reader complaints that BunkoSquad has been hijacked by the "snooty East-coast liberal elite", we're letting occasional guest entries by Real Americans(TM) run on the main page. We will soon return to your regular schedule of whining about weak Chablis and the dearth of quality maid service.)

Posted by Michael at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)

December 11, 2004

Good News And Bad News and Good News

Good news: Rumor 'round the apartment building is that the jerks upstairs from us are being asked to leave. So the all-night parties (be fair; we only called the cops on them once), the meanness to my roommates, the trashed front entrance are about to end. Apparently the final straw was that they were treating the central air duct as a food-disposal chute. Nice goin', guys. Hey, here's a song you can crank at 2AM: Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye.

The bad news: my car's transmission. Kaput. The mechanic took me for a ride around the block to do an early estimate. Let me just tell you something: when a transmission expert frowns...it's not a good sign.

The other good news: I'm movin' upstairs to the bookstore offices after Xmas. (By the way, I found the perfect analogy to how I feel during the Xmas season. You know in the first Austin Powers movie, when Austin's driving the bulldozer and you see the Virtucon guy screaming and then it pulls back and you see that the bulldozer is about 50 yards down the hallway from him, and the guy stands there screaming helplessly for a full minute while the bulldozer rumbles towards him? Yeah, December's kinda like that.) So hello to a chair and a desk, the unironic use of the word "weekend", and a test for my math skills. Farewell to the customers -- the great ones and the crazy ones -- and farewell to being on the floor working alongside the greatest people I'll probably ever meet. They deserve, and they'll get, a full-length tearful goodbye in the weeks to come. But I'll just be next door, almost.

Posted by Michael at 01:01 AM | Comments (2)

November 19, 2004

The Grand Canyon

I read something about this a while ago, but here it is again. At the bookstore of the Grand Canyon National Park, they are required to sell a book called The Grand Canyon: A Different View, written by a fellow named Tom Vail, who says...

For years, as a Colorado River guide I told people how the Grand Canyon was formed over the evolutionary time scale of millions of years. Then I met the Lord. Now, I have "a different view" of the Canyon, which, according to a biblical time scale, can’t possibly be more than about a few thousand years old.

The people who run the GCNP bookstore tried to get this hooey off the shelves, but the National Park Service (run by You-Know-Who's Presidential Administration) says it has to stay on, because obviously this guy's statement of faith carries the same weight as mountains of geological and fossil evidence. The book's one of the park's top sellers; I can only assume it's bought by the same kinds of people who loaded up on the unreadable Left Behind books, just so they could put Christian fundamentalist nonsense on the bestseller list.

In the meantime, I'm putting the finishing touches on my book, which makes the controversial assumption that Gray Aliens and the Loch Ness Monster dug the Grand Canyon on June 4, 1977 as a place to hide Jimmy Hoffa's body. Don't you dare question my faith.

Posted by Michael at 01:44 AM | Comments (0)

November 10, 2004

Red vs. Blue

My friend Kari is one of those people - who seem to be few and far between - who straddle the "Two Americas" that some of us think we see. Growing up in one of the reddest, now living in the bluest, she's a little tired of hearing about how different and how conflicted the two colors have become. She's written an open letter to some of her friends in Blueland; she's given me permission to post it here.

What my silence was implying this last week:

I know the election results were disappointing. I know going into the election you thought we were on the winning side. I am truly sorry for your disappointment; it is my disappointment as well. I have given you a week for mourning. I am not prepared to give you any longer.

I am a liberal. I live in Massachusetts. I am also, however, from a "red" state. If I hear one more comment about "those f*#@s in Nebraska" or receive another well-meaning, mostly joking email about secession, I may say something that jeopardizes our friendship. You had to know, as in any contest, that there would be a winner and a loser. I know you were expecting to win. I was hoping and crossing my fingers right there with you. But, we LOST. If you consider that the next election period began last Wednesday, then the trench of self-pity that you're digging and wallowing in is truly not in your or my or the country's best interest. The people you are disparaging are the same people we, as a party, have to win over if we want to stand a chance in four years, or even in two.

I have spent the last week listening to complete strangers and friends alike denigrate and demonize the place that I still consider home. You may be making a generalization about anyone who voted for George Bush or about "middle America," but what I hear is belittling by heritage, my family, and some of my closest friends. You need to realize that those are actual people to me and not all of them are idiot, warmongering, gay-hating voters. Probably more people in those states than I'd like to believe fit one, if not all, of those labels, but they're still people. And, I feel that I must point out that I've met people that fit those labels right here in Boston.

I know you're joking, most of you anyway, when you mention secession. Remember that the last time someone actually seceded there was a war. Our country is remarkably divided. Do you really want to push us farther apart? To imply that our differences are really that insurmountable? To imply, further, that you've given up on fully half of the country and are no longer even interested in or willing to consider coming to some understanding? What, exactly, are you suggesting by comparing the color-coded map of election results to the map of pre-civil war slave states? It's obvious with a title like "the more things change..." that you're implying something. If we complete the thought with "the more things stay the same," what does that say? Do you think that the middle of the country wants to own someone? Is latent racism responsible for the outcome of the election? Is there any possible way to look at that graphic and NOT derive a negative connotation about the "red" states? Frankly, I'm a Democrat and I find these things alienating. Imagine, then, what this kind of talk looks like to an undecided or non-Democrat.

I'm glad some of you are trying to understand how we, as a country, got to this point. Continue reading things like Don't Think of an Elephant and What's the Matter With Kansas? Realize, though, that you still aren't getting an unbiased view of the other side. The title What's the Matter With Kansas? itself suggets that something is wrong with Kansas. The point is that people in Kansas probably don't think that there is anything the matter with Kansas. If they do, it probably isn't the same sort of thing that Thomas Frank finds wrong with Kansas and even the whole central column of the United States. Sometimes I think being from a plains state is similar to being a middle child. We're often overlooked and we resent that. How many times have you referred to Kansas, Nebraska, or a Dakota as 'one of the boxy states in the middle?' or as 'the state where the corn (or cows or wheat) comes from?' I know that's not so terrible a thing to say, but lots of little slights can add up to a big chip on the shoulder.

I'm saying this because, as a friend, I think you'll listen, even if you don't necessarily agree. We need to stop looking backward and start moving forward. Mostly, I've been thinking these things and debating whether to say anything. After reading this I decided I should speak up. There are other things that contributed, for instance, this and this (all of which links I originally found here). All offer some insights on why we didn't win this election and how we can hopefully change for the better and win next time.

It isn't just you. I'm still trying to convince people back home as well. They're getting a different letter. To them, I try to explain why everyone should have the right to marry among other things.

I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship.

It may also explain why I've been a little short this last week. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Sincerely, Kari

Posted by Michael at 10:06 PM | Comments (2)

November 09, 2004

Aurora Borealis

This is amazing - some really cool photos of an aurora borealis over Blair, Nebraska. I really want to see one of them someday.

Posted by Michael at 03:47 PM | Comments (0)

November 01, 2004

Forces of Darkness Update

Go vote.

Posted by Michael at 11:15 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2004

Assorted Things

Despite this being my Summer of Not Much to Say, I've come across a few things that I've wanted to mention, but didn't quite to seem to warrant their own entries. So they're all here.

* I've gotten a little hooked on online Boggle. I've tied for first a few times, but never won outright. If you try it out, I'm usually in the 5x5 room under the name "bunko". It's go time!

* I've gotten into Aqua Teen Hunger Force bigtime. This would be the same A.T.H.F. that my friend Carter was telling me to check out two years ago. You may remember it took about two years of needling to get me to finally see The Big Lebowski. So if you have any ideas about what I should check out in 2006, start taking notes.

* Red Sox. Shhhhh. No comment at this time.

* Jessanne moved to New York last month to get started on her adult life. Some of us took a road trip to NY on Monday to visit her in her new place. Very cool. She'll do great.

* Speaking of one-day road trips, if you really want to know what caused my August 13th meltdown (scroll or whatever if you didn't read it), here's what happened. I drove up to Montreal with the intention of carousing and having -- y'know -- fun. Instead I watched four innings of a dismal Expos-Diamondbacks game, got disgusted, and drove home the very same night. In a pouring rain (the first rain I had seen in a week and a half...but I had only seen the sun from out the window of the bookstore). In quite a state. That's 12 hours of driving for a bowl of poutine, if you're keeping score.

* The quote that sums up this summer. A couple weeks ago, a new shiatsu massage place opened up in Harvard Square, and celebrated its grand opening by giving free massages to anyone who works in the area. My friend Stef (she of the mountain-climbing expedition) went over on her lunch break, came back completely happy and recommended it to me. "Nah," I said, "I don't like to do anything that feels self-indulgent." Does that sound as pathetic to you as it did to her?

* I updated the map I made of all the counties I've visited. My next trip may be to finish off New Hampster and Vermont.

* I despair of the upcoming election. My very serious fear is that a "terrorist attack" will cause a National Red Security Alert and the election will be postponed indefinitely. I guess we'll see.

Posted by Michael at 10:00 PM | Comments (2)

August 30, 2004

Really

I'll get back on a regular writing schedule soon. I swear. I just really really really need this summer to be over. And I'm not just talking about the humidity. Fret not, little ones, I shall return.

Posted by Michael at 11:44 PM | Comments (1)

August 11, 2004

Separated At Birth

UPDATE: I thought of a joke to go along with it. What's the difference between George W. Bush and the Hamburglar? One is a corporate mascot who's singleminded and underhanded, and speaks unintelligbly; the other steals hamburgers.

Posted by Michael at 05:18 PM | Comments (1)

August 04, 2004

Good News From the North and West

First from the West: a judge in Seattle ruled today that the Washington state Defense of Marriage Act (no, I still can't type that with a straight face) is unconstitutional. So equal rights may soon be headed to the other end of I-90 as well.

And up north, the first Wal-Mart in North America is about to unionize in Quebec. You probably know I disdain Walmart (I believe they sell, as they say in La Belle Province, "le crap"), and their rabid antiunion practices have been well-documented. Quebec certainly has much more progressive and worker-friendly laws than are the norm; it will be interesting to see how this plays out nations-wide.

Posted by Michael at 03:47 PM | Comments (1)

July 29, 2004

Living Vicariously

I haven't met any actual celebrities this week, but thanks to Sooz, my camera's gotten to meet some. Like Janeane Garofalo.

Must...not...choke...on...bitter....envy.....

Posted by Michael at 09:28 AM | Comments (1)

July 27, 2004

More On That Panel

The aformentioned bookstore event was a panel with Salon's Joe Conason, Toni Morrison, Sidney Blumenthal, Al Franken and Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

They all said their pieces about how books can change the world (well - more or less about that), but RFKJr, to me, stole the show. With a righteous, barely-contained fury, he spoke about the environmental evils of the Bush regime (I like to think I follow things pretty closely, and I was blown away - I'm definitely going to buy his book). Then, on Bush, he said (and I paraphrase a bit): "I toured Europe with my father and President Kennedy. The goodwill towards America...all the European capitals had streets named after Teddy Roosevelt and George Washington...the US was a respected, admired leader. It took 300 years to build up that good will, but in 3-1/2 years...."

He didn't get to finish; the room erupted in a standing ovation. I was clapping before I was even conscious of doing so. I haven't seen a crowd swept up like that since the Celtics put on the afterburners and buried Philly in Game 5 two years ago.

Of course, that was in a room full of Cantabrigians and Democrats. But I think RFKJr. needs a spot in prime time this week; the man can take over a room.

(Meegz has more.)

Posted by Michael at 04:22 PM | Comments (7)

Microcosmic

My city's overrun with dignitaries and celebrities and people out having a good time. Good for them. I'm working a more-than-full week and not getting invited to any of this. Kind of microcosmic.

Anyway, I haven't had a lot to say this week (as you may have noticed). Part of it is being miffed that no one's discovered my latent genius and asked me to some fancy party (or, for that matter, much of anything else). Part of it is simple fatigue, part is because I actually have been out doing stuff. V-Bunny wrote a great review of the bookstore's event last night - it's the only thing I had VIP access to all week, and I'm not kidding - we did math yesterday and calculated that people were asking us for tickets literally every 90 seconds. If someone were to go back in time and knock off Alexander Graham Bell, I for one wouldn't complain.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm also suffering from the delayed effects of Black Wednesday. I figured I'd have a fullblown anxiety attack and mid(?)life crisis when I turned 30; instead it's 3 months late and came bearing interest. Waah. Check out Strindberg and Helium for a pretty good simulation of what I must sound like these days (if I were accompanied by a giddy pink balloon everywhere I went). Laurie sent me that a few weeks ago, along with Rock Paper Saddam!, maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen on the internet. Thanks, Laurie.

Posted by Michael at 02:33 PM | Comments (4)

July 14, 2004

I Don't Like This Plan

BunkoSquad has learned: Unconfirmed sources are reporting that, as part of pre-Democratic Convention security, local and federal officials are discussing the option of just rounding up everyone in Boston and surrounding cities and shooting them.

"It's the next logical step," said an unnamed official in Mayor Menino's office. "We've closed every road in and out of town for the entire week. We're going to make the MBTA as friendly as East Germany. And still people are complaining. If you can't eliminate the problem - and we can't - we can eliminate the background noise."

A Secret Service spokesman concurred. "We talked very seriously about martial law," he said. "But it's just not efficient enough to post armed guards in the foyer of every apartment building inside of 128. But if you kill everybody in town before the convention begins, you nip any potential problems in the bud."

Mayor Menino laughed off criticism of the kill-everyone policy. "We're going to show our visitors the real city of Boston," he told a Chamber of Commerce luncheon. "And the real city of Boston isn't full of irritated townspeople, traffic logjams and pessimism."

"It's buildings and stuff."

The logistical problems of disposing of the corpses of 1.5 million Bostonians will be tricky, admitted the Secret Service source. BunkoSquad has learned, however, that federal officials have worked out a $4 trillion deal with Halliburton to handle the grim task.

Menino has scheduled a press conference for Friday to give details on the schedules of the kill-squads. "Everyone just stay home during convention week. There's no need to go out. We'll find you."

Posted by Michael at 10:13 AM | Comments (1)

July 01, 2004

Left Behind

I've avoided posting about this so far, because I'm at that age where I have to start watching my blood pressure, but now it's time.

For those of you who don't live in the Boston area, a little background. The Democratic National Convention is coming to town late this month, and we're preparing in a way that only Boston can. For "security", they're closing all the highways in and out of the city (and banning traffic copters from helping people figure out which side streets aren't completely impassable), shutting off commuter trains from the north, and installing police-state security on the MBTA for the week of the convention (implicit message to terrorists: wait a week; you'll kill only locals but at least our distinguished guests will be home safe by then!).

And this was all pit