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December 29, 2006

You Know Where To Ask For A Refund

You know what? I just can't bring myself to do a Survivor recap for the last episode. It was pretty boring. Yul was cool, and deserved to win. Ozzie was cool, and would have deserved to win. I had a personal $take in Becky winning, but she sat there in the Final Three, useless, like Michigan being honored at halftime of the Ohio State/Florida game. Half the jury didn't even acknowledge her when they asked their questions.

When the thing you remember most from an episode is that it took two Survivors two hours to start a fire (and the second hour, they had matches), it's probably not worth it.

So....um. Sorry.

Posted by Michael at 05:21 PM | Comments (0)

December 20, 2006

You Can Stop Hitting F5

I didn't take a lot of notes the first time around, so the final installment of SurvivorBlog 13 might take a couple of days. Just think of it as a prolonged session of watching me try to start a fire.

Posted by Michael at 11:38 PM | Comments (1)

December 17, 2006

Welcome, Perverts

Just checked my stats. My careful placing of the words "Parvati" and "nude" close together is doing wonders for my Google traffic. And whoever was looking for "Parvati pees"....um. Get help.

Posted by Michael at 01:24 AM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.14: The Sickeningly Sweet Science

In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade,
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down
And cut him 'til he cried out in his anger and his shame
"I am leaving I am leaving", but the fighter still remains
- Simon & Garfunkel

The boxer. The most maligned, yet romanticized figure in sports. A purveyor of sheer, unbridled brutality, yet capable of incomparable grace and dexterity. Rocky. Raging Bull. Howard Cosell and Muhammed Ali, turning boxing chat into a metaphor for the entire Sixties. It's right at the junction of primal rage and ordered civility.

Which leads us to Parvati.

Not just a boxer - a Foxy Boxer. As Television Without Pity describes it, boxing of the "'I throw a punch and -- oops, I lost my top!' variety". You think Mike Tyson was misunderstood.

Actually, Parvati's pretty easy to understand, as we begin day thirtywhatever on Survivor Island. She and Adam survived the ouster of Jonathan, and they're talking strategy. "We need to get one of the four Aitus to join us." It's breathtaking in its simplicity.

Treemail! Yul brings back a bad poem and a bucket of mud, which leads everyone to guess that the Reward Challenge involves...well, mud. "Naked mud wrestling", suggests Yul, which probably gives Parvati an experiential advantage over, say, Becky.

It's not quite naked mud wrestling. It's "cover yourself with as much nasty-ass mud as possible and squirt it into a bucket", which I believe is the state sport of Arkansas. You're not allowed to carry mud in your hands or arms, so the Survivors improvise, carrying it in their hair (Ozzie), back (Yul), cleavage (take a guess), or not really anywhere (Sundra). Ozzie, adding "yak" to his Manimal resume, blows the field away by transporting 45 pounds of mud in ten minutes. He can't be beaten.

So Ozzie wins, and the two runners-up (Parvati and Yul) get to join him for a spa weekend. Ozzie also gets to send someone to Candice Island; he picks Adam, of course. "Sorry, bro," he says. The spa-bound three do a group hug; covered in mud, they all kind of look like Oscar statues.

Becky and Sundra, still covered in mud, trudge back to camp just ahead of a torrential downpour. You'd think they would stay out and wash some off, but they huddle in the tent. The Becky-shaped mudball tells the Sundra-shaped mudball that she's getting really scared of Ozzie, because he wins almost every challenge and is currently singlehandedly leading the NBA's Atlantic Division. She starts to muddily speculate it might be time to shave him off the Alliance. Sundra, I think, tries to respond, but only mud comes out.

Ozzie, Yul, and Parvati will get hosed down when they get to the spa, so they're flying in a plane, crusting in mud, sitting on plastic seat covers. Think about that the next time you bitch about the accomodations on Southwest. They shower (not together, but don't go anywhere), get massages (not that kind, but seriously, hang on), and pig out on food and booze. Things are leading up to...

Adam on Exile Island. Damn. You know when someone's really clever and sharp, sometimes you say "No flies on him!" Well, Adam literally has flies on him at Exile Island. That's all I'll say about that.

Back at Rancho Relaxo, the massage, the food, the fluffy robes, and the liquor have all combined to melt the cares away. And away with the cares goes Parvati's bathrobe. To the hot tub! Three nude Survivors lounge around, and Parvati says being there with two boys makes her so excited she pees her pants - "except I'm not wearing any pants!" Read the sign (left), tootsie.

Meanwhile [insert clumsy segue here - ed.], Yul is pissed [awesome! - ed.] that Parvati's so blatantly flirting with Ozzie. He's worried about him going over to the dark side. Probably at the exact same second that Becky's wondering the same thing. Not that these two have a bond. Yul's trying to figure out how to get Ozzie to keep his eyes on the prize.

Finally, the three come back to camp. Becky says she missed Yul (O RLY?), and the two of them get together and verbalize their unspoken common uncertainty about Ozzie. Yul agrees, but also says that he's underestimated Parvati; she's working Ozzie hard, and in the immortal words of Bell Biv Devoe, that girl is poison. Never trust a big butt and a smile, Oz.

The Reward Challenge is a balance beam walk followed by assembling and manipulating a giant simple Labyrinth board. Would it spoil the suspense to say that Ozzie wins in a landslide? No? OK.

So now, common sense dictates that either Adam or Parvati has minutes left to live. Adam, to his credit, goes to see Don Yul and lays it on the line. "I know it's either her or me; I'd like to nominate her." No subterfuge there. Parvati says she knows she's in trouble because she's a threat, but Adam's kind of a threat, too. I'm not sure if this strategy is remarkably clever or incredibly stupid, but I sure have my suspicion.

Ozzie's lounging in the tent with the two worried ex-Raros. Adam gently and subtly asks if there's any way he'll switch. Ozzie says he'll do whatever it takes to win. Adam chooses to interpret that as a maybe. Yul, Becky, and Sundra start to fret that the stupid-sell actually might be working, so Yul goes in the tent and basically reminds Ozzie not to be stupid.

Now, because there's been so little stupid pointless controversy this season, Yul wonders if he should bring Jonathan's hat to Tribal Council, since Jon asked for it back on his way out. They get there, Jon picks up his hat -- which he DID NOT KNOW Yul brought. Jeff immediately makes a thing out of it, asking if Yul's starting to try to butter up the jury, particularly Jonathan, who was so innocently and cruelly stabbed in the back before he got to stab Yul in the back. Yul's all like, don't make this a thing, Jeff. But then some of the other Survivors start making it a thing, accusing Yul of playing to the jury. Yul probably feels like the guest of honor at the wrong roast. The Jury giggles. I think if you're going to play to this Jury, you'd do well to bring your best Senor Wences impression; it's that level of intellectual discourse.

The only suspense is 1% whether Ozzie will flip, and 99% whether it's Adam or Parvati going. The first vote (which is, of course, the one we saw already) is for Sundra. The second is for Parvati, and that's the ballgame. Looks like she'll be doing her Foxy Boxing from now on up in the Statesville Prison.

Boring Words of Wisdom, boring Parvati final shot. Still, a man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest. Lie-la-lie, lie-la-lie-lie-lie-lie-lie, la-la-la-la-lie.

Next: It's Over!

Posted by Michael at 09:45 PM | Comments (1)

December 07, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.13: Someday, And That Day May Never Come

The Seven Against Probst trudge back from a traumatic Tribal Council, only to face the far greater trauma of unflattering night lighting. Jon says he's OK with being the bad guy and not being trusted, which is good, because it's not like he has a choice.

The next morning, Parvati is gamely trying to help in the kitchen. Since she learned last week that fish have to be converted from cute Finding Nemo cast members into tasty Gorton's filets, she cleverly deduced that there's some work involved turning a raw coconut into a pina colada. So she's axing away at a coconut...whap...whap...thhhwwwwwwwp. Which is the best onomatopoeiatic word I can think of for an axe slicing through Parvati's thumb.

She sits down, dazed - well, a little more dazed than usual - and Becky and Sundra wrap a buff around her injured thumb. The fishermen return, and Adam admits he's a little creeped out by fingernail injuries. You may be aware that I freak out and puke when confronted with eye trauma. Some people faint at the sight of blood. Adam can't deal with a split fingernail. Jon is openly hoping that Parvati will either have to be Medevacced to New Zealand or bleed to death, but the Survivor medical staff lets her off with one stitch and a bandage.

Reward Challenge! Jeff says the challenge is to use a small bucket to fill a large bucket, which sounds about as exciting as a challenge of hopscotch. But there's more! The loved ones are here! Jon's wife (wait - Jon's straight?!), Parvati's dad, Adam's dad, Becky's sister, Yul's brother, and Ozzie and Sundra's respective moms emerge from behind a tree and come over for hugs and banter.

And the challenge suddenly gets a bit more interesting: it's a wet T-shirt contest! Well, it turns out that way. The Survivors are blindfolded and have to fling water at their loved ones, who are in charge of the large bucket. So it's pretty wet and wild, and Jon's wife gets the good idea of wringing the water out of her shirt, but Parvati and her dad wind up winning. I think Ozzie scoops up a flounder in his bucket at one point.

So Parvati gets to pick someone for Candice Island (it's Jonathan; quelle surprise) and Paparvati gets to pick two more Survivor/loved one combos to join them for their adventure. He picks, without any help, Sundra's mom and Adam's dad. Ozzie, Becky, and Yul bid adieu to their family members, and a strange group heads back to camp.

They putter around camp for a while. Parvati shows her dad that she's surviving; Adam and George throw the old pigskin around; Sundra and Mom collect firewood. Ozzie bitches that Adam and Parvati are having a good time, and in fact still alive, because of the food he's brought them. As a waiter, you think he'd be used to being treated like crap by the customers, but what are you gonna do.

So he and Becky and Yul make a pact that they'll hide some of the food and not continue to be servants to the slackers. I love these guys so much.

The others visit a native village where they dance, get lei'd (quiet, you), and go to an underground cavern with a pool. The natives explain that they used to sacrifice virgins here; Parvati looks around nervously then jumps in. Sundra makes the Survivor producers very happy when she interviews how cool it is to learn about other cultures. She also realizes that Adam and Parvati are OK people without Captain Jonathan Bringdown around.

Then they pig out on fried chicken, corn, and biscuits. They don't call 'em the South Seas for nothin'. Pass the grits!

Ozzie's "Hide the Food" scheme takes a little bit of a hit when Parvari, Adam and Sundra come back with takeout. It seems the waiter has become the waited. Becky has the good sense to look a little sheepish, though 50 bucks says the takeout was Sundra's idea.

Jonathan returns from Exile Island with his literal feather in his cap. No one says hi. The Immunity Challenge is a convoluted nautical obstacle course; Ozzie takes form of Mountain Goat and gets out to a huge lead (quelle surprise encore), the girls flollop over some wet barrels, and no one really makes a serious run at Ozzie.

At camp, Jonathan is lingering around with a giant target planted on his back. Sundra tells him - not a bit convincingly - that their original plan to take out Adam is still on. Jonathan doesn't quite believe her. Since she's the only one who even says a word to him. I almost kind of feel bad for Jon.

Adam tries to sell Yul on the idea of Jonathan going home instead of Parvati or himself. Yul interviews that he kind of feels like the Godfather, being asked to perform a hit on someone. He tells Adam that what he asks for is not justice, and if Adam had shown him respect from the beginning, he would have nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, he doesn't slap him and yell "You can act like a man!". That would have been awesome.

Jon comes to Yul for his audience. He does everything short of Sallozzo's "I'm not that clever" speech; luckily, Sonny isn't around to tip the family's hand. Yul wishes Jon good luck, as best as his interests don't conflict with Yul's.

Jon tries to rationalize to himself, or the cameramen, that it would be a bad idea to vote himself off.

Tribal Council! Adam says he doesn't think Jon deserves to stick around; Jon asks why, and Adam (Adam!) delivers the line of the episode. "It's your integrity. You don't have any." I'll beat the dead horse one last time, and say that Adam has had any number of chances to get rid of Jon; the multitude of ex-Raros on the jury can testify to that. Jonathan starts talking about trust and debts owed and all that crap.

The votes come in, and as soon as the third Jonathan vote is revealed, he knows his goose is cooked. His exit line - "I want my hat back at some point" - is not quite "'Tis a far, far better thing...", but oh well.

Jeff's Words of Wisdom - well. He says that trust is an issue, because Jonathan trusted in them. HOGWASH, Jeff. No one trusted Jonathan. The Superfriends trust each other, and rightly so. Adam and Parvati have no choice but to trust each other. Jonathan never fit in, he screwed everybody over at least once...and Jeff says there will be lingering trust issues? Hogwash, I say.

Next Week: Will Ozzie flip out of the Superfriends? Will Yul and Becky cut him off before he gets the chance?* Can Yul trust that fat Clemenza?

*Note to Yul and Becky...you do NOT want to go into the Finals against Adam or Parvati with the jury full of ex-Raros. You don't want this. Promise.

Posted by Michael at 10:32 PM | Comments (0)

November 30, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.12: No Cure For Cancer

And then there were eight. First we have the Superfriends - Yul, Becky, Ozzy and Sundra. Nothing's gonna stop them now. Secondly, we have what I've taken to calling the Moronage a Trois - Parvati, Adam, and Candice. What they lack in intelligence, work ethic, and competence, they make up for in winning smiles.

And of course, Jonathan. The lone wolf. The man without a tribe. Beholden to no one, barely tolerated by all.

We begin with them coming back from the Tribal Council where Jon turned colors again and glommed onto the ex-Aitus. Candice is seriously mad at Jon; her opinion of traitors is notably malleable. Parvati says she's so mad at Jon she wants to throw up on him. Adam sits there like a bobblehead doll.

Jon sits and takes the verbal abuse. He says, well, what if Yul had the Idol? Then we'd vote for him, and they'd bounce it to me. Law of the jungle, baby. Kill or be killed. And the nitwits say, no way Yul had the Idol. Jonathan says, he did. I saw it. And the nitwits still don't believe.

The next morning (Day 29 on the island), Sundra is cluing Parvati into some of the facts of life. Namely, that fish don't turn from cute, aquarium-ready fish into delicious, edible fish just like that. Someone has to...well, gut them. Parvati says she wants to throw up (Is this episode Parvati's cry for help?) Sundra thinks it's funny that Parvati has never gutted a fish; Jonathan sets his OutrageMeter to 11. He goes over and complains/sucks up to Aitu a little more, just in case they'd forgotten he existed in the last 15 minutes.

Reward Challenge! And it's one of those fun ones, where every Survivor is issued $500 American cash, and Jeff auctions off several items. For some reason, I had a flashback to an old Dungeons & Dragons game (weren't there some auctions of mysterious items?) and so I will attempt to tell the story of the Reward Challenge as if narrating a D&D adventure.

Jonathan bids $100 on a mystery foodstuff; it is a Hot Dog of Many Toppings, along with a glass of stout mead (well, beer). I should point out that Survivors are allowed to share money, but not food. Jonathan fails a dexterity check and fumbles some of the beer onto Parvati the Tooth Queen. She calls a party foul, which does no damage to Jon. Parvati then bids 360 gold on a piece of cake and a Bubble Bath of Infinite Comfort. She strips to her bikini, which raises her armor class, as well as Adam's...interest, and sinks into the healing waters.

The next item is a mystery envelope. Becky, with a loan from Yul, goes deep into the bidding. Jeff says that, within the envelope, there's an item of significant power. Please, be a vorpal sword, please, be a vorpal sword.

(I can't keep this D&D thing going anymore. If you want the whole episode told this way, sign up for BunkoSquadPlus. It's $9.95/month.)

No, it's a note, saying that Becky can pick somebody to go to Exile Island, and take all their money as they leave. No one on the planet is shocked that it's Candice, and Becky gains 1,200xp and promotes to 2nd-level thief (sorry). Candice storms off to the boat she knows so well. Parvati angrily loofahs her back.

The next item up for bid is the use of a soft-serve ice cream machine for a few minutes. Jon bids $400, all he has left. Ozzie bids $420. Jeff grins and says, "The magic number." OK, suddenly now we're in a Cheech & Chong movie? This episode is moving way too fast. Ozzie stumbles over to cure his munchies, and Jeff throws on "White Rabbit".

Jon wins a pizza; Sundra wins a sea cucumber (you knew there was going to be one dud prize); Jon wins some personal hygiene items. I don't know where he came up with the extra money; I hope he plucked it from Adam while Adam was leering over either Parvati or Jon's french fries. Somewhere along the line, Yul reveals to one and all that he has the Immunity Idol. Adam and Candice still don't believe him. Jeff calls the auction closed; Jon gargles us into the commercial break.

Everyone but Candice comes back to camp. Jonathan burps a cloud of pepperoni in Becky's general direction. Classy with a capital K. He stalks off and everyone starts complaining about him. Adam says he's a dirty, dirty rat. Possibly the longest coherent sentence Adam's put together in a while.

Cut to Candice, boo-hooing on Exile Island. She says she's mad that she's realized that Jon is going to last longer than she will. I think she's really sad because she's all alone and wasting valuable Adam-cuddling time. What are he and Parvati up to?

Immunity Challenge! It involves math, memory, trivia, and strength. I won't even go into detail because it was pretty boring; suffice it to say that even though it involves math and trivia, Adam wins. He's happy. Candice looks sad, and pensive.

Now begins the horsetrading. The Moronage A Trois approaches the Superfriends with what's actually a reasonable request: just kick Jonathan off. Seriously, that's all they want. They admit that they're OK with being picked off after that; they just want Jon to go first. They appeal to Yul's long-term interests by saying that they'll soon be on the Jury of the Damned, and what Yul does with Jonathan now will impact the decision in the Final Two.

While they're plotting (and the ex-Aitus all admit that they don't like Jonatham much either), Jonathan is stalking around camp like the Grim Reaper, if the Grim Reaper were not a skeletal, black-clad, ominous figure with a scythe, as usually portrayed, but rather a pudgy, shirtless Jew in a scuba mask.

Jon makes a final pitch to the Superfriends, coming back with a couple of fish and hinting that the five of them should have a meal, while Adam, Parvarti and Candice canoodle in the tent. The smell of fish wafts in their direction, and Candice storms out in a rage. She yells at them (Jonathan) for not sharing, she accuses them (Jonathan) of being inconsiderate louts, and she says she hopes they (Jonthan) are happy with their rudeness. She tries the desperate gambit of trying to get Jon to think Yul was talking smack about him. It looks like Candice is going down, so she doesn't want to leave anything in the chambers.

They get to Tribal Council, eyes blazing like a hundred suns. The Jury trots out; Nate looks not unlike Rudy from the Fat Albert gang. Candice, finding a little more firepower, lets Jon have it. She (and occasionally Adam) call him a rat, a cancer, a cancerous lab rat, a ratty lab cancer, etc. They tell Jon that nobody likes him. The Jury giggles and nods. Yul tries to make the peace. Nobody wants peace. It's pig-pile time, and everyone's got Jonathan-related grievances to air. He's the most hated person on the planet!

So Candice gets voted out. That makes sense. She gives Adam a long, wet kiss goodbye. Somewhere in America, Billy's writing a monster ballad. She waves toodle-oo and probably heads back to Exile Island, since it's hard to sleep in an unfamiliar bed. Jeff is too overwhelmed to offer any Words of Wisdom.

Next week: The Jonathan tumor spreads! Parvati cuts herself! It's not a tumor! Yul's the Godfather!

Posted by Michael at 09:28 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.11: Shut Up, Jonathan

It's the morning after at Raro: the morning after the double elimination of Rebecca and Jenny, and the morning after Jonathan, who by any rational analysis would be long gone, somehow survived. So he tiptoes out in the morning to catch fish. When he comes back, the cast of the Real World is just stirring, and when Jonathan gently suggests that fire and water would sure make his fish taste better, they start working. Jonathan interviews that he can't believe he's doing all the work for them. Jonathan, it should be pointed out, loves talking more than anyone else on the planet; he gets more interview time per episode than Becky and Sundra have had throughout the series.

Nate's all like, don't tell me what to do, Jonathan. Because he clearly resents Jon's outsider status. Though not enough to save Brad, Rebecca, and Jenny before getting around to kicking out the interloper. (Note: I realized after I wrote this that Nate didn't vote for Jenny, but the point stands.)

Aitu, the Superfriends, are showing some evidence of mortality. Sundra has a gaping knee wound, and even Yul is fatigued and feels crappy. If they keep wearing down like that, they may only slightly beat Raro next time around.

But there is no next time around. Jeff summons everyone to the beach and tells them the merge has come. Boo. Aitu's still outnumbered, but they no longer have the advantage of kicking Raro's ass at challenge after challenge. They don their new joint-tribe buffs and head to the former Raro camp, where the coconuts are plentiful and the rats not so much.

And how do they get there? A luxury cruise! Take that, Jenny! They sail in a fully-stocked dining room, with complimentary beer and wine. Adam, showing the kind of determination and will that will surely mean success in life for him, drinks too much and starts heaving over the railing. Nate's hammered, too. There goes the "stupid frat boy" stereotype. Jonathan is disappointed about this behavior, and lets us know. There goes the "talky neurotic Jew" stereotype. This show is breaking down barriers.

Nate's getting to be pals with Ozzy, but he still tells us with a straight face that the original Raros will stick together. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that Brad, Rebecca and Jenny all slipped his mind. Ozzie's starting to look a little like Johnny Depp, if you're interested. Adam and Parvati snuggle; Adam flashes that annying grin. Yul and Becky start discussing whether to start letting people know Yul has the Immunity Idol.

Now, I have mixed feelings about this decision. Jonathan, clearly, will go where the momentum is, so waving the Idol in his face might work. But he also has betrayed the ex-Aitus, so he thinks the only way to keep around is to stick with the ex-Raros. And since the facts actually back up the sad fact that the game is centered around Jonathan at the moment, Yul doesn't tell Jon he has the Idol (though he drops enough painfully obvious hints). The good thing about springing surprises on Jon is that he can't keep his mouth shut while considering anything, so you really know where he stands.

Yul and Becky do tell Sundra and Ozzie about the Idol. They're pleased, but not too surprised. The cheerleaders (Parvati and Candice) want to kick Yul off, because he's really smart and capable. No one comes to Raro Beach and starts thinking, dammit!

The Reward Challenge (the individual immunity necklace looks exactly like what Mola Ram wore when he ripped out that guy's heart in Temple of Doom) is simple. Cling to a pole for as long as you can; last one to fall wins. The beefcake guys drop right away, then they all fall off except Candice and Ozzy. Ozzy, drawing on his rhesus-monkey animal power, hangs on for the win as Candice slides off. Imagine this paragraph stretched out to 10 minutes, with Jeff narrating.

How does Parvati have polished toenails at this point in the game?

So this clears everything up for Aitu. Ozzy's off the chopping block, so one of two things happen.

>1) Ex-Raros think Yul probably has the Idol so they vote for Becky or Sundra, or 2) Ex-Raros don't think things through, so they all vote for Yul, leaving the second place person kicked out when Yul shows the Idol. My money's on the Raro's-not-that-smart option.

Option 3, of course, is that Yul tells Jon about the Idol, assuming that Jon will flip right back over like the frontrunner he is, and then he can pick which ex-Raro (probably Nate or Adam) to jettison. The risks of this, of course, are that Jon will tell everyone, or that Jon will realize that joining ex-Aitu clinches fifth place for him. Yul even tells Jon he wants to be against him in the Finals, but knowing Yul, he'll keep his alliance with Becky right up to the end and let fate take its course.

Jon goes to the Raro brain trust and mentions it's possible that Yul has the Idol, and how would we handle that? Adam and Candice figure that since their combined brainpower couldn't find the Idol in twelve days, there's no way Yul could have found it in only one. Jon starts to think he's a little too smart for the Raro Moron Alliance.

Adam tells Candice that Nate is thinking too much. Adam and Candice agree that thinking is hard, and changes people. Then they smooch.

Jon goes back for a clandestine meeting with ex-Aitu (well, clandestine enough that Raro doesn't notice). They say that if he joins up with them, he can pick which of Nate and Adam goes. Jon tells Candice nothing happened. Jon, who is the center of the entire universe, interviews six or seven or 47 times that he doesn't know what he wants to do, and every choice he could make would make him an enemy somewhere. Hard to believe, since you're so likeable, Jon.

Tribal Council! Jeff asks Parvati what's up with Adam and Candice; she says, "They love each other! And they want to make babies!" I can't tell if she's being silly, or if that's really what she sees. God, I hate Raro.

Sadly, Jon gives a big farewell speech, but he's probably not leaving, so he'll get to give another one before too long. The votes start coming in: four for Nate, four for Yul. One left to see which way Jon thought the wind was blowing.

And it's Nate. Nate has the scowl to end all scowls as he stomps off the beach. Jon looks pained. Candice, Adam and Parvati look like it's penetrated their thick heads that this is bad news. Yeah, with Jon not on your side, and Yul still with the Idol, I think maybe it is bad news for you guys.

Jeff's understated Words of Wisdom are that this vote significantly shakes things up. Nate gets his money's worth on his Two Minutes' Hate, ripping Jon up and down. It's pretty good material, and I hope to see a few more people cursing Jon on their way out.

Next week: Aitu isn't sharing food! Candice suddenly doesn't like traitors! Everyone hates Jonathan!

Posted by Michael at 10:56 PM | Comments (1)

November 16, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.10: Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

Everyone at Raro is recovering from the mutiny and the kicking-off of Brad. Jonathan's recovering by imitating Ozzie, trying to bring back lots of fish. You might say he's the sole provider, but I won't. I also won't call him the Wandering Jew - he does that himself. I missed that tribe, back in the ethnic-division portion of the season. Candice and Adam are recovering by talking strategy, and how they're together till the end. Adam, if he's thinking at all, has to be thinking that he would be a guaranteed winner if he gets into a final with Candice, since she has four blood enemies over at Aitu. That's giving Adam a lot more credit than I probably should. And Parvati (deposed as Queen Bee) is having a little Girl Talk with Jenny, about how Adam and Candice are all kissy-kissy and want to be together and have babies. Beautiful, treacherous, not terribly bright Aryan babies.

I'm sure they have nothing to worry about, though, as the next scene features Adam and Candice lying in the tent, as Candice tells him all the places she's hurting so he can kiss it and make it better. Finger...thumb...lips...Credits! Thank God.

We come back to Aitu (henceforth referred to as the Superfriends, assuming I remember). Treemail arrives, and it's homework! They have to learn all of the nautical flags, and the Superfriends - who are strong and smart - immediately have a cram session. Ozzie makes particular note of how to signal the letters "F" and "U" for when they all get back together again.

They gather at the beach, and Yul is bummed to find out that Brad got kicked off. How can he forget the mutiny, when there is always something there to remind him? He will never be free; Jonathan will always be a part of....he.

The challenge involves a compass, some digging, some chests, and a puzzle. Raro starts screwing up right away. Aitu's method is to go where the clues tell them and dig until they find the chest. Raro's method, admittedly unorthodox, is to have Jon and Jenny flail around in the sand while Adam and Candice yell at them to hurry up. Phase two is having Adam and Candice flail around in the sand while Jon and Jenny yell at them to hurry up. Now that's a plan. Nate sits on the sidelines, like a guy watching his car getting towed.

The Superfriends steamroll to victory. Ozzie literally kicks up his heels in excitement, since the reward is a plane ride to another island for a lavish South Seas feast and celebration. Candice's reward is that Exile Island may soon be named after her. Everybody's where they belong.

Back from commercial (and seriously, only in America can a commercial combine Eastern meditation and American Express class warfare and not laugh itself into a coma) and on Candice Island, the guest of honor is close to the brink. She's cold, she's lonely, there's a dull ache that Adam's too far away to kiss, and she's having trouble processing the fact that "four people I like [but not so much that I wouldn't sell them up the river first chance I got] want to see me suffer". A traitor is never beloved, sweetie. She sniffles back some tears and eats a hideous-looking sea cucumber.

The Superfriends (Ozzie is Aquaman, Yul's Batman...the rest may come to me) arrive on a populated island, where CBS money has convinced the islanders to put away their TVs and video games for a night and don ceremonial palm fronds and other native garb. We learn that the traditional Cook Island welcome and greeting looks suspiciously like a call to massacre. The Aitus sit on litters and are carried into the picnic area. The whole thing looks a little...well, a little Ewok Village, truth be told.

They eat, they watch a warrior ceremony, they watch two robust island woman tackle Yul and get him to dance. The Batdance. Ozzie thinks it's awesome that Yul, so brainy and shy, has come out of his shell. I've gone beyond wanting Aitu to win challenges; I want them to be on the Supreme Court.

Raro, minus Candice, is fraying. Jonathan continues doing yeoman's work, and muttering that the kids could learn a thing or two from him about work ethic. He'll lead by example, he says. Now that is an absolutely ironclad and backfire-proof plan, my friend. Don't hold your breath.

Treemail, and more homework! Today's category is geography, as the tribes have to learn where various Pacific archipelagos (there's a word I don't get to use nearly enough) are located. Out of nowhere, Jenny starts bitching and moaning that it's time Rebecca started pulling her weight at challenges. Now I want you to go back through the archives, and count the number of times I said "Jenny gets Raro out to a huge lead" or "Wow, Jenny's really doing well in this challenge". When you're back, please note that Nate turned his wrath on Brad last week, and now Jenny's all up in Rebecca's thing. Whitey somehow is above reproach.

Immunity challenge! Candice ought to have scurvy by now, but she puts on a good face before the challenge, which involves swimming and a puzzle. First leg is Ozzy vs. Nate, and it's not too hard to figure out which of them gets a big lead. Nate flounders in the water for a minute. Geez, if only Brad were here for this challenge. Leg 2, Yul vs. Jonathan, Aitu's lead holds steady. Parvati makes up some ground - Becky, for all her plu$$e$, is not a strong swimmer - but Rebecca can't make up any more, and Aitu wins.

Now what I forgot to mention is that Jeff sprung a surprise, in the form of a sealed little mystery bottle. Whoever loses the challenge, he says, takes the sealed little mystery bottle back to camp, but is forbidden to open it. Then they take the sealed little mystery bottle to Tribal Council, where it will be unsealed after the vote. Jeff looks particularly pleased as he hands the s.l.m.b. to Raro. Maybe he's sending out an S.O.S. to the world.

While they fret about the s.l.m.b. (merge? bad news?), Raro circles the wagons and points all the guns at Rebecca. Jenny takes a few more ill-deserved shots at her for being bad at challenges. Adam interviews that he's breaking up the alliance because he can't vote Candice out. What a putz. Nate interviews that he's still thinking about kicking out Jonathan, because he doesn't want to take Jon's side over **coughBradcough** his old tribe family. The sad part is, he honestly sounds like he thinks he's sincere. Jon feels like his quiet **coughbullshitcough** example has made him an indispensable member of the tribe.

Tribal Council! Brad comes out as the first jury member, looking sharp. Jeff starts asking questions; Rebecca's midanswer when Quiet Leader Jonathan butts in and starts talking about all the fish he's caught. He's doing lots of work, and attention must be paid. Adam says he's ruthlessly going after the person who's underperforming at challenges (not that Adam used words that big); Jenny helpfully reminds everyone that Rebecca's the person Adam means.

They vote; Rebecca's a unanimous choice. Unfortunately, she exits stage left instead of immediately joining the jury. Jeff, looking malicious and gleeful, says it's time to open the sealed little mystery bottle. Raro admits that they think the note inside is about a merge. Parvati cracks the seal, and - WHOA - they get to immediately vote off another member! No politics, no caucusing, just gut reaction. Jon looks terrified, but Jenny gets the boot. I'd have loved to see the look on Rebecca's face when she gets to the Kicked-Off Compound, then sees Jenny trudge in five minutes later.

Jeff's Words of Wisdom: the tribes are 5/4 now, and maybe this is a wake-up call. I can't help but think Jeff must have had two sealed little mystery bottles. If, say, Ozzie had broken his leg and Aitu came to tribal council, I can't imagine they'd make two of them leave, after setting up the ultimate battle of good-vs-evil. But who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Probst. Jenny's mad; her parting words are that she wishes she'd known about the doubleheader so she could have a chance to set someone else up.

Next week: Jonathan's mad at the lazy kids! Yul spills the beans about his Immunity Idol! Adam and Candice get to second base!

Posted by Michael at 09:55 PM | Comments (2)

SurvivorBlog 13.9: Never Trust Whitey

Ozzie's sleeping the sleep of the good provider. While he rests, Jonathan is hamhandedly plotting kicking him out; he yaps and yaps to the rest of his pseudoalliance. I think they mostly agreed to include him because once you agree, he might close his mouth for a minute. Jonathan is rivalling last season's Shane for the winner of the coveted "Survivor I Don't Want to Take A Long Car Trip With" award. Candace interviews that she doesn't like being in this alliance, and she'd rather be back with Adam and Parvati. You know - from the Caucasian tribe at the beginning.

Back from commercials, a rainbow shines over the island. You'd think this would be good news for Brad.

Candace and Jonathan are chatting, figuring out the best way to get back together with their pigment-deprived brethren at Raro. You know, because white people stick together. Jon yaps and yaps about when they have to sell out their teammates; Candace nods and nods (good policy) but says that she doesn't really trust him. Also a good policy.

Over at Raro, Nate's still fuming about Brad not giving his all in the last Reward Challenge. While Raro is speculating about the merge, Brad says "it's every man for himself", then grabs his (fishing) pole and wanders off. Nate says there's no I in team. True, but there's an M and an E.

Reward Challenge! Bombshell! Jeff, clad in his bright orange ballcap, says he's giving everyone ten seconds to decide if they want to "mutiny". Now, if this were an actual mutiny, the Survivors would keel-haul Jeff and institute mob rule (probably under Parvati or something dumb like that), but it's just a gussied-up way of saying they can switch tribes. You'd think Brad would be all over this, but no. Candace shoots Adam a meaningful white look, then hops to it. Jonathan, with one second left, jumps ship as well. Now there's a candidate for a keel-hauling.

Aitu is stunned. "I'm stunned" says Yul. Ozzie looks like he's about ready to break Candace's neck and bring her home to dinner. In a salute to the great city of Milwaukee, the Reward Challenge is to stuff two Survivors in a beer barrel, roll them over land and sea, grill some bratwursts, sing the "Laverne and Shirley" theme song, and then top it all off with a giant tailgate party at a Brewers game. Well, some of that's true, anyway.

The prize isn't a trip to the shores of Lake Michigan, but a bed, a feast of muffins and pastries, and some letters from home. Raro+2 gets all excited and huggy and bubbly. Aitu-2 looks grim and determined. Place your bets, gentlemen.

They roll their barrels (Candace and Jenny in Raro's barrel, Becky and Sundra for Aitu), over some tracks and through the sand. I'm getting barrelsick just watching it. Ozzie becomes Challenge-Mode-Ozzie, finding all their flags instantly. Raro drifts away (more on this in the next paragraph.) While they're floating the barrels through the water, causing (I imagine) some serious nausea, Jeff sails around in a little skiff, not unlike Jabba the Hutt surveying the feeding of the Sarlaac Pit. God, I'm a nerd.

Anyway, seeing Raro helpless at sea reminded me of something. First of all, we knew from the flashback episode that Candace and Adam already botched one fishing expedition and almost lost the boat, so among the terms I'd use to describe them, "able mariners" doesn't crack the top ten. Now for a Personal Glimpse(TM). Over the years, we took quite a few family vacations, and there was sort of a running theme that whenever my Mom and I got in a boat together, trouble ensued. Whether it was getting pulled away from shore in a paddleboat, almost swamped in a rowboat, drifting off to the St. Lawrence Seaway in a barge, or our ill-fated cruise on the Achille Lauro, it sort of became a running gag. Not that I'm saying I have sympathy for Raro, just illustrating a point of some kind.

So Aitu wins handily. Ozzie, filled with righteous fire, yells "Mutineers are the first people to die!" They group-hug, everyone in America suddenly realizes there's true good-vs-evil shaping up, Aitu sends Candace to Exile Island, Sundra sobs, Jeff sends them off to Muffinland. Excellent (and automatic) move, by the way, to exile Candace. Now she misses out on valuable bonding-time, and Raro gets the full brunt of Uninvited Jonathan, so they'll probably vote him off, if not ouiright slaughter him.

Commercial break: I'm already completely sick of these Russian-loudmouth credit card commercials. More "Alarm Clock Catastrophe" please!

Aitu arrives at brunch, loads up on muffins (I would have smuggled two back to devour in front of Jon and Candace, but I can be a vindictive prick). Sundra, ready to sing "We Are Family", says that her tight-knit Aitu tribe has made her the happiest she's ever been. Ozzie's recharged and furious. Have I mentioned I've become a huge Ozzie fan? They all look at letters and pictures from home. Yul, who may be the smartest contestant ever, says that this experience, and the bonding, and the chance to indirectly meet each other's families, has really made them more than a random tribe in a cockamamie game show; they really feel close. It gets a little dusty in the Breakfast Nook, and a few tears are shed. I'm thisclose to buying an Aitu buff, I'm so on board right now.

At Exile Island, Candace is suffering from Traitor's Remorse. She realizes that all of NewAitu hates her, she's puzzled that Jonathan jumped (he must have crazily thought they actually had an alliance), and she's sad that Jon's bonding with Raro. She really overestimates Jonathan, who's quickly bonding, but in the sense that Krazy Glue bonds to your fingers and aggravates the hell out of you and makes you regret ever being born. Thus the complete Jonathan Experience.

Jon, to his credit, realizes he's dealing from a position of stupidity. He tells Raro he's loyal (yeah, right) and doesn't want to rock the boat. Nate says that Jon will never fit in; even Brad, who commited the unforgiveable sin of being better at puzzles, at least didn't jump ship. Lucky for Brad he never mentioned mashed potatoes. Jon works like a man trying to keep his job.

Next is the Immunity Challenge, where the Survivors have to maneuver a boat and drop cannonballs onto targets. This naval warfare theme is going pretty well, huh? Raro jumps out to a lead, but Yul realizes that he can spot the targets more easily than they thought, and Aitu storms to another win. Now, I'm no chump. I know that the producers blatantly and obviously want us to be on Aitu's side, much like we all became Cleveland fans in Major League. But dammit, Aitu is just so likeable. Yul's super smart, Ozzie seems like he could actually survive on a real desert island, Sundra's super nice, and I win $400 if Becky takes the whole thing. Manipulate away, Probst; you had me at "mutiny".

So now Raro has to figure out who to boot. The girls (with Candice as the ringleader) all like the idea of kicking out Jonathan and the guys are still steamed at Brad. Nate posits that they can string Jon (whom he calls "Lord-Knows-What-He's-Thinking Knucklehead") along, because he can't go home again, whereas if Brad's still around at the merge, he'll buddy up to Aitu. Nate also says some things that make me think he's contracted Mad Octopus Disease, and I shan't reprint them here. Candace is talking smack about Jon to Adam, as if Adam needed any reason to dislike Jonathan. Adam's ready to go whale on Jon in the parking lot. Cooler heads (well, Nate) prevail, and Operation Kick Brad Out is underway, despite no evidence of the two factions ever speaking.

At Tribal Council, Jonathan, looking like it's dawned on him that he's utterly friendless, says he wouldn't be shocked if he's voted out. Nate says Jon may be trying to be a leader, and Raro is made of lone wolves who refuse to be led. Brad says he doesn't trust anyone. Hard to believe, since let's not forget that this is the tribe that kicked Stephannie off for longing for mashed potatoes. Parvati frowns, perhaps setting up a wrinkle 20 years from now.

Brad is unanimously voted off. Thanks for nothing, rainbow. Jeff slips in that Brad is now the first member of the Jury of the Damned. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Jeff's Words of Wisdom are that the game is full of surprises.

Next week: Adam and Candace snuggle! Jeff has a mystery bottle!

Posted by Michael at 05:43 PM | Comments (0)

November 02, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.8: Manimal

Everyone's still recovering from the double-tribal-council whammy and the clip-show fakeout. At Aitu, they've lost Cao Boi and gained Nate - a bargain in anyone's book - but all is not happy. Jessica's really sad and confused that nobody told her that Cao Boi was going to be voted out. She's saying she would have been on board if anyone had just told her that was the plan. My suspicion: someone told her the plan, clearly and concisely, possibly using hand puppets, and it got lost in the humming, or buzzing, or calliope music, or whatever it is that runs through Jessica's head at all times.

Aitu sit around the table at Ozzy's Restaurant and pepper Nate with questions. Somebody asks him, "Are you a good swimmer?", which I thought was a somewhat racially loaded question, but then I remembered that this season of Survivor is about bringing people together, and the question was merely about gameplay and strategy. Or at least I thought so, until they asked Nate if he was a good dancer and liked watermelon. Well, the racial harmony thing was a nice idea while it lasted.

Treemail! It's a catalog! The tribes get to pick out their own rewards for the Reward Challenge. Aitu sensibly picks peanut butter and potatoes. At Camp Raro, which is starting to look like a Hooverville, they're thinking about bread and peanut butter (too bad Christina's gone; I bet she could have come up with a doozy of a recipe with those ingredients). Brad's against that, since bread is perishable. Like it won't all be eaten in four minutes. Parvati looks a little bummed that mascara and conditioner aren't available in the catalog.

The challenge is as convoluted as ever. The Survivors will swim out to a platform, leap off the platform, smash a box, release a key, dive to find the key, swim the key back to shore, use the keys to unlock a chest, open the chest to reveal pieces of a puzzle, and put the puzzle together. I miss rasslin'.

Rebecca's the first swimmer for Raro; she gets to the platform, jumps, and....well, that's it. She flollops in the water for a minute, hauls herself back to shore, and collapses on the mat. Operation Shutdown in effect. Ozzie, who I used to only speculate might be Aquaman, swims like a man possessed, summoning a flounder to retreive Aitu's keys, and a million barnacles to form a bridge so Candice doesn't have to get her feet wet. It's really something.

With Rebecca down for the count, it's up to Adam and Parvati to do all the swimming. Brad would be a logical choice, you'd have thought, but he declared himself to be better at puzzles, so he's on the puzzle team. Which will never even get tested, because Aitu wins handily. Interestingly, Jeff spends the entire challenge barking out updates, but never updates whether Rebecca might actually be dead or not.

Sans Adam (sent to Exile Island), Raro trudges back to camp, looking like they kind of hope the producers have left a loaded gun or a half-dozen nooses they can use to escape the next challenge.

Aitu's having a little peanut-butter orgy. Candice and Jessica give each other a little Jiffy kiss, and Candice says "I love everybody right now!" Somewhere in America, Billy just kicked his amplifier.

But as tantalizing as the possibilty of girl-on-peanut-on-girl action might be, they swing us back to the grim Raro tribe. Nate (who was ineligible for the Challenge, still technically a pseudo-Aitu) is pissed at "nancyboy" Brad for touting his puzzle prowess at the expense of having a strong, fit tribe member out there swimming. The sentiment is echoed on Exile Island by Adam. Just before he battens down the nonexistent hatches for a vicious monsoon, he says, "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys." Adam - dude - when you're surrounded by turkeys, the chances are actually pretty good that you, yourself, are a turkey. Just sayin'.

Speaking of fowl matters: the next morning, Ozzie wanders into camp with a bird in the hand. Not in any cliche way, he's actually holding a bird that he just picked up somewhere. If Ozzie keeps this up, they'll be eating Loch Ness Monster fillets before the merge. Candice marvels that Ozzie is like a half-man, half-animal, which has been done, but he has the climbing skills of a monkey, the tracking skills of a leopard, the swimming skills of an eel, the chinny-chin-chin hair of a little pig, and the bird-catching skills of a - well, whatever animal catches birds. So some of the lesser Aitus start thinking about ways they can vote him off before he gets to be too helpful and successful.

Immunity Challenge! Adam, still quivering and shivering from Exile Island, rejoins the tribe. Jeff sympathizes with the awful night he must have spent out there, as if he (Jeff) didn't spend the whole storm being fanned with palm fronds, trying on hats, and nibbling peanut butter off a sexy intern's stomach. The challenge involves setting up poles to build a ladder-type-thing, then sliding down one of those cool rope things that nobody I knew ever had in their backyard, then hauling more puzzle pieces back through the water.

Brad, wisely, elects to swim this time.

They set up their ladders, and at one point - well - if you ever suspect that I embellish or make up some of the facts on SurvivorBlog, if you believe nothing else you read in this space, know that this actual quote actually comes out of Jeff Probst's actual mouth.

"They're building it from the bottom up while the guys debate which is the longest log."

Let's just move on.

Aitu, led by the dolphinesque Ozzie, jumps out to a huge lead, but somehow the Raro puzzle crew (which, it should be noted, does not feature Brad) somehow gets their act together and wins. Raro wins Immunity!

Everyone at Aitu has a different tactic for strategy. Jessica's playing Cub Reporter, going around interviewing everyone to see the vote breakdown. Right now, in her mind, it's a 54-way tie. Her choice is Jonathan. Becky and Yul are ready to throw Jon overboard from their alliance; Yul realizes that Jonathan never actually helps them win anything, whereas Ozzie is to the Aitu Tribe as Michael Jordan was to the '92 Bulls.

Candice and Sundra are sitting on the beach when Jon comes up. They say they had to get out of the camp because everyone's scheming and plotting. Jon plops down and starts scheming and plotting. Jon interviews that he's playing the game so fast and so hard that he might overreach and get taken down from behind. Yul says he never saw Jon being really sleazy, but everyone else thinks so, so it must be true. Let me reiterate that: Yul doesn't see what everyone else sees, and he DOES NOT assume that he's right and everyone else is wrong; he considers the possibility that everyone else might be right. How the hell did he get on this show?!?

Before they break camp, Jessica gives a poignant farewell-to-the-troops speech. Then she interviews that nobody really knows what they're going to do. That's called projection.

When Tribal Council started, I assumed it was coming down to Ozzie (too strong) and Jonathan (too annoying). In the Q&A, Jeff is shocked that people on Aitu are friends even though they come from different ethnic groups. Jessica is asked who gets along with whom; her answer is all-encompassing and vague. From some people, I'd think this is strategy and politics. With Jessica, I think it's what honestly is going on under her dreadlocks. Ever seen those pins that say "I smile because I have no idea what's going on"? That's her.

They vote, and shockingly (to me), everyone but Jessica votes for Jessica. I really didn't see that coming. Happily, though, she's pretty cool with it. Jeff's Words of Wisdom indicate that he thinks Raro has all the momentum now.

Next week: Brad's freaking out! Ozzie hauls down a rhino! No more election commercials!

Posted by Michael at 10:03 PM | Comments (1)

October 26, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.7: SurvivorBloggus Interruptus

Damn you, Probst! Tonight's Survivor was a clip show of the first six episodes; I guess the network didn't want to go up against the ratings juggernaut that is the 2006 World Series. I'd have watched Survivor anyway; I hate to say it, but I would. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are actually making me start to hate baseball a little.

Rather than comment extensively on the deleted scenes (Sekou flips a canoe! Candice and Adam abandon ship! Parvati struts around in a bikini!), I decided to take a page from the Book of Probst and do a little recapping of my own. So here is the Best of BunkoSquad SurvivorBlog, from seasons 12 and 13.

Episode 12.1: The Boys played stickball for a while, then put their hopes in the hands of yoga instructor Aras, whose cunning plan was to fuse their energies or something by holding all their hands close together. OK. But it's still a bit better than the Girls' plan, which was to pooh-pooh a number of potential campsite locations, then watch bemusedly as Courtney, the fire dancer from (wait for it) Los Angeles, held an impromptu memorial service for a dead turtle they saw on the beach.

Episode 12.2: At Tribal Council, Jeff resists the urge to strangle the Casayas. Shane says that even though he was begging and pleading to be sent home, he didn't really mean it. Cerie and Melinda express their disappointment with being on the chopping block for no reason. And Bruce looks around like a guy who's just been drafted by the Washington Generals.

Episode 12.3: Bruce, the new Casaya arrival, took charge, showing the tribe how to filter water, keep a fire going, and not be attacked by bats. So of course Shane and Courtney got pissed; after all, they were firmly in control of this tribe until Mr. "I Have Wilderness Survival Skills" shows up and starts teaching them how to do stuff, and why they shouldn't drink sea water. Light dawns over Marblehead, and Aras starts to openly wonder if hitching his wagon to the star of a bipolar junkie and a tempestuous fire-dancer was really his wisest decision.

Episode 12.4: Casaya arrives to find its brand new [outhouse]. Some of them debate storing the wood there to keep it dry; Bobby has other plans for it. He wakes up, burps, grabs Reader's Digest, and off he goes, which is weird, because I thought that animals' digestive systems shut down while they're hibernating. Then Shane goes off on Danielle for not doing any work, leading her to grab a shovel and start whacking the beach. Cirie, who's fully completed the 180-degree turnaround to likeability, just giggles as she thinks about how pathetic the Dipshit Alliance turned out to be.

Episode 12.5: Casaya takes the feast back to camp, where apparently a 10-minute deluge has ruined everything. Their stuff is scattered; their fire is out. Sushi time! Cirie wonders openly if eating raw fish is healthy (she's standing in fetid stagnant water at the time) and Bruce whines that it's not the same without wasabi and ginger. Also, somewhere along the line here, Bobby opines that Courtney is "one of the 2 or 3 most annoying people in the history of the planet". Let's see: Hitler, Courtney, Pol Pot. Sounds about right.

Episode 12.6: Dan takes the news [of his impending eviction] in stride. This is La Mina, remember, home of the Camazotz-esque hivemind. If it were legal, he'd vote for himself. All he can do is go on and on about how the puzzle beat him. You get the feeling that 10 years from now, Dan will be sitting in a diner somewhere, babbling about how the puzzle beat him, with a comfortable 3 empty stools on either side of him.

Episode 12.7: Terry is determinedly, if stupidly, trying to flip some of the lesser Casayas to even out the numbers. He comes to Shane, then Cirie, then Bruce, with an offer they can most definitely refuse. "Why not leave your team, which wins all the time, and join this sinking ship that looks good on paper but constantly screws up when it counts?" Unfortunately for Terry, none of them are Adam Vinatieri.

Episode 12.8: Oh, incidentally, one suprise from the challenge: of all the people on the show, you'd think Danielle would have a little more experience hauling coconuts around.

Episode 12.9: Shane, Danielle and Cirie stomp back to the beach, rationalizing that the Reward wasn't so great anyway. To take their minds off things, Shane decides to announce that the humidity and the lack of laundry have caused Li'l Shane to itch and burn. So he drops his trousers to give Cirie and Danielle a look, and give the CBS censors years' worth of psychiatry bills. Cirie, a professionally trained nurse, responds the only way possible: laughing her ass off and telling him it's a variation of diaper rash.

Episode 12.10: [Shane and Courtney] are both severely ticked that they weren't chosen to go to the resort. Bruce, meanwhile, is miserable because his stomach pains have intensified. He's trying to take a nap, and is literally writhing around on the ground from the pain. Having to listen to Prince Doom and the Dutchess of Despair can't be helping; he looks like the woman in Airplane! who vomits when the nun starts singing "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" to her.

Episode 12.11: Cirie decides that now would be a good time to contribute something to her fellow castaways, and goes fishing. Incidentally, I may not have showered enough praise on Cirie; she's awesome. The Greek chorus of sanity among the Bonehead Brigade. I think CBS would do well to cut to interviews with her in future seasons. I think ESPN should have her as a sideline reporter for Monday Night Football. I think some fishing show could hire her, since she actually catches a damn fish!

Episode 12.12: [Shane]'s genuinely and utterly shocked when he's voted out. Terry puts his hands over his face, realizing that everyone he's bringing to a reward winds up dead in a ditch right after. That will certainly help his popularity. Shane yells at everyone else that he'll be eating chocolate ice cream in a minute (I guess it will take him 58 seconds to massacre a cigarette first), and off he goes.

Episode 12.13: Terry could slip the idol to Danielle (this is the last chance he has to use it), wait for Aras and Cirie to vote for her, then she can whip out the Idol and it's goodbye, Cirie. But you know, and I know, and Jeff knows, and Danielle knows, and random sailors in the Panama Canal know, that Terry's not the type of man who leaves his ass out in the wind. He's not giving her the Idol.

Episode 12.14: Now that it's too late to help anyone, Terry reveals that he's had the Immunity Idol all along. Cut to more reaction shots of jurors, who look like Steve Martin and Martin Short in Three Amigos when Chevy Chase empties his completely full waterskin. Thanks for nothin', Terry; this will certainly be a feather in your cap if you make it in front of the jury.

Episode 13.1: So in the first fifteen minutes, we saw the Latino tribe saying they should win because they're used to living on tropical islands and fleeing places on boats, we saw the Asian tribe saying they're lighter and more mobile because of all that rice, we saw the African-American tribe talking about how they have to "represent", and we saw the white tribe stealing chickens from the oppressed minorities. I think I just heard the UN disbanding.

Episode 13.2: Cao Boi's sense of humor is grating on the other Asians at Camp Puka. He's still plucking evil spirits out of the others via the bridges of their noses, but when the lights are out, he likes to tell Asian jokes. Not like Zen riddles, but like "How many Bhutanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" And the others think he's not funny, and he's perpetuating the stereotype of Asians as unserious-minded goofballs. Or something.

Episode 13.3: [Jessica]'s one of those people that agrees with the last thing they heard. She's the reason people wave signs outside the polling place on Election Day. Jon, and Ozzie, and Cao Boi, and everyone else seemingly, explain their great strategies to her, and she sits there, smiling and uncaring, like a dog in an algebra class. Jon's a particularly crappy salesman; he pitches his plan to her, she says "Well, I don't know", and he immediately pitches it again. And it sounds different than last time - even to me, and I ostensibly know what his plan is. This tribe has trouble written all over it.

Episode 13.4: At Camp Raro, we get a charming portrait of Princess Parvati and her minions. She's mad at the boys for sitting around eating while the girls weave (maybe she's conveniently forgotten the male/female ratio of the last Immunity Challenge), but she can't be too mad at the boys, since she needs them worshiping her and groveling at her feet. So she flashes them her huge...teeth, and quietly seethes to the camera about how domineering and manipulative J.P. is. I'd assumed J.P. was just your garden-variety chump, but he's gotten under Parvati's skin. If nothing else.

Episode 13.5: Adam uses the new fishing gear to somehow come home with an octopus wrapped around his shin. Not as titillating as having Nate wrapped around his torso, perhaps, but what are you gonna do. Christina leaps up and announces that she's got the perfect recipe for octopus, crabs, and coconuts. I believe it's called "Octopus, Crab, and Coconut Soup".

Episode 13.6: Yul shows an amazing poker face, considering (a) Cao Boi never thinks for a second that Yul has the Idol (which he does) and (b) stabbing Cao Boi with a spear right now would probably constitute self-defense in the eyes of any jury.

Episode 13.7: Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are actually making me start to hate baseball a little.

Posted by Michael at 09:06 PM | Comments (3)

October 19, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.6: Feeling Up Destiny

It's the long dark night of the soul at Camp Raro. Well, a long dark night, anyway. Stephannie has just been given her walking papers after expressing the opinion that not sleeping on logs might be a nice change of pace. Now the tribe has to deal with the fact that Christina got beasted at the Tribal Council. She basically got a cruel, malicious farewell speech without the actual farewell. How anticlimactic.

Christina's taking her non-heave-ho in stride. She figures she's been shot at and survived, so she can handle a little fire and brimstone from a yutz like Adam.

At Aitu, Ozzie, who I think might actually be Aquaman, is harvesting fish out of the sea like nobody's business. Which leads me to observe that this season, there's no one starving like usual. There's chickens and crabs and octopi and pounds of fish, just chillin' in easy spearing distance. If you're going to get stranded on one tropical beach this year, get stranded in the Cook Islands.

So Ozzie, who I thought was Dead Waiter Walking three weeks ago, has completely rattled Jonathan. Jon's babbling like it's Ozzie that's in the rock-solid (?) alliance and not him. Jon takes his confusion out on Cao Boi, in a spirited debate about whether or not Aitu should bring the Immunity Idol to the reward challenge. Jon says (correctly) it's kind of like rubbing it in Raro's face; Cao Boi says that the spirit of this squat little statue gives him strength or peace or something. I think Cao Boi's unravelling a little.

They don't bring the statue. Cao Boi instantly became Mr. Passive Aggressive, which says little about the Idol's healing powers. They arrive at the Reward Challenge, where Jeff is waiting in an orange-yellow hat. Just wear a cheesehead already, Jeff. Survivor: Green Bay.

Jeff springs some serious shakeup on everybody. Both tribes will have a Council and kick someone off. But the tribe that wins today's challenge gets to (a) eat lamb and drink apple cider, while (b) watching the other team's Tribal Council. Dinner and a show! Not only is food plentiful on the Cook Islands, they have a damn supper club! Where's the misery and deprivation? Next up, Survivor: Branson, Missouri! Jeff also promises another twist, which I figured meant Exile Island.

The challenge is, in a word, AWESOME. A Survivor clings to a pole, with all of his/her might, while 2 opposing Survivors try to wrench him/her free and drag him/her across the beach to a finish line. First team to drag three wins the whole banana.

This promises to be good, and it is. There's groping, there's squeezing, there's blurring of body parts, there are hands put where strangers' hands have no business going. I think Jenny might have grounds for an assault charge against Becky. Candice, grappling with Rebecca and Parvati, proves the feistiest, and Aitu takes a big lead while they drag the woozy Jenny to the line.

Now it's the guys' turn; Jon and Yul try to take Nate, while Adam and Brad go after Ozzie. I'll tell you, if this season wasn't all about promoting racial harmony, some of those Nate scenes would be a little uncomfortable to watch. Ozzie's spry, but light, and Raro makes up a little ground.

Becky and Jessica (they could qualify for the Italian tribe, with those Roman hands) start working on Christina, who's a difficult perp to subdue. There's choking (mostly by Christina), there's pants-pulling-down (maybe Christina just wanted to see where else Jessica was tattooed), and there's a lot of bad blood. Not literally. Parvati and Rebecca are still not all that physical, and Christina finally gets rolled over the finish line. Aitu wins!

Meanwhile, Cao Boi has been sitting on the sidelines, stewing. Or meditating. Or becoming one with Jeff's hat. Or something. He's not talking, at least, and we'll take that any day.

My sense of justice, since you ask, is a little exercised at the fact that Aitu has to kick someone out even though they keep winning challenges. But then I realize that I'm not emotionally involved (except for my $trong rooting intere$t in Becky), so forget it.

Put in this unjust position, Aitu starts scheming. They're a little rusty, except for Cao Boi. He kept his mouth shut during the whole challenge, so he pours his heart out to Yul. He has this plan for the non-whites (and Jessica) to split their votes among Candice and Jonathan, figuring that one of them probably has the Immunity Idol, and whichever one doesn't will go home. Cao Boi knows this because he had a lengthy dream involving dragons and credit cards(?), which he tells Yul in excrutiating detail. I think Cao Boi may be unravelling a bit.

Yul shows an amazing poker face, considering (a) Cao Boi never thinks for a second that Yul has the Idol (which he does) and (b) stabbing Cao Boi with a spear right now would probably constitute self-defense in the eyes of any jury.

At Camp Raro, they're feasting on octopus once more. And Christina, knowing her back is solidly to the wall, is wheeling and dealing, trying to get any possible ally that will help her kick out Jenny instead. She has a bit of a willing audience in Rebecca and Nate, who are worried that the merge will reunite the entire Asian-American group, who will then have numerical superiority. And here I thought the Yellow Peril conspiracy went out around 1920.

(Commercial side note: What the hell is with these Charles Schwab commercials where they make cartoons out of real people? I expect commerical cartoons to be funny. Cartoons that aren't funny (and I emphatically include anime and most graphic novels in this) leave me unfulfilled and alienated. I'm talking to you, Roy Lichtenstein. And you too, Mallard Fillmore.)

Back to the show. While Jonathan's freaked out by Ozzie, Sundra admits she's a little freaked out by Jonathan, thinking he's a little too nice to be real and he's probably playing everyone all along. Jon doesn't think he's going to be voted off, but if he does, it will mean he was "outplayed" by a "bigger conspiracy" than he thought. Yeah, Jonathan, the Freemasons' tentacles extend even to the Cook Islands. And Ozzie's just pleasantly surprised that the huge bulls-eye on his back has faded.

Tribal Council #1! Cao Boi has brought the Team Immunity Idol to the council, hoping it will confer good tidings onto his dubious "take out Whitey" plan. Jeff asks Aitu if anyone has emerged as a leader. Aitu says, yeah, Jonathan has. Jon says he's not trying to be a leader, then says "I don't patronize these people." Now to me, referring to people who are sitting next to you in the third-person is textbook patronizing, but Aitu doesn't call him on it. They vote, and it's clear that whatever alliances have been made, they all pale in comparison to the overwhelming desire not to listen to Cao Boi anymore.

Jeff brings out the halftime spread (lamb shanks, bread, napkins), and Raro trudges out to be the evening's entertainment. Jeff asks how Christina handled her slam-book session; she admits she didn't handle it well. Candice makes kissy-faces across the aisle at Adam; somewhere Billy just broke a guitar string in anger.

Jeff then springs the October surprise: Aitu gets to "kidnap" a Raro member! Someone will sit out the vote (de facto immunity), get a meal, go home with Aitu, and get to eat one of the 453 species of fish that Ozzie has in the freezer. Now, knowing what we know, the obvious choice would be Christina, since we know she's doomed, and pulling her out of the race would splinter the hell out of the rest of them.

But they don't know how foregone a conclusion Christina is, so they pick Nate. Not a bad choice; he's strong, his malaprops are good for a laugh, and he's the most likely Raro to make it to the merge, so butter him up a little now. He crosses the divide, and Raro votes. Brad suprisingly votes for Jenny. Cracks in the Asian alliance!

Raro votes out Christina, surprising exactly nobody.

Next week: Nate's making Aitu nervous! Ozzie catches a coelacanth! Someone's bumming on Exile Island!

Posted by Michael at 09:34 PM | Comments (1)

October 12, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.5: Mashed Potatogate

We begin at Camp Raro. J.P. has just been whacked, and the gender battles continue. Now it's the guys who are making a concerted effort to do most of the work while the ladies sleep in. "I'm not a hater, but what do they do all day?" asks Nate. Oooh, feel the hate. In between brushing their teeth with palm fronds (I guess the palm frond oil makes a nice substitute for Pepsodent), the boys do get quite a bit done. Nate collects a lot of firewood. Brad catches a bunch of fish. And Adam pokes a stick at some rocks, which somehow results in him catching crabs (quiet, you). Adam's not exactly Aquaman, as we'll see later.

A similar division of labor is happening at Camp Aitu; the guys are out doing stuff, while the girls are trying to figure out which one of them has the fastest-growing armpit hair. I now choose to believe that this is why women often go to the ladies' room in groups.

Reward Challenge! Does Jeff recycle hats, or does he get a new hat for every challenge, which he then tacks up to his wall like Willie Mays Hayes' batting gloves?

The challenge is actually a good physical one, if as exciting to watch as "which tribe's paint dries faster". Pairs of Survivors are bound together and given slowly-increasing sandbags to support; the last pair to drop their sand wins their tribe a bunch of fishing gear and a couple bottles of (hopefully white) wine.

Aitu tries to load up Nate and Adam, but they hold on strong. Yul is the first to fall out (!), but soon it's 2 Raro pairs against Jessica and Ozzie. Jessica talks big, but then immediately craps out, and Raro wins. But not before Nate and Adam strike a few Mapplethorpian poses, or before Nate (I kid you not) belts out a line of "Ebony and Ivory". We've learned much about the state of race in America - well, the Cook Islands - and yet I don't think we've learned a thing.

Adam/Poseidon uses the new fishing gear to somehow come home with an octopus wrapped around his shin. Not as titillating as having Nate wrapped around his torso, perhaps, but what are you gonna do. Christina leaps up and announces that she's got the perfect recipe for octopus, crabs, and coconuts. I believe it's called "Octopus, Crab, and Coconut Soup". The tribe visibly grumbles when she starts vocally assembling her kitchen staff.

So Christina and Jenny are prepping down on the beach. Adam comes over with a helpful tip: "You need to be careful". This from the guy who stepped into an octopus. Jenny wanders off. Christina spills a bunch of octopus chunks into the ocean. Christina blames her sous-chef. Raro's review in Zagat's is going to be awful:

If you can brave the "rustic setting", dinner at Raro "disappoints". Expect "few variations on the same three ingredients", a "surly staff", and a "meager wine list". Defenders say "it's a nice alternative to fine dining."

Meanwhile, Aitu's splitting up, temporarily. Cao Boi, Ozzie, and Jessica want to sail around to other islands and see if they can find more food. One wonders whether Ozzie's firing on all cylinders if he wants to join this merry band. They ask if there are any more takers (Did I mention Jon's on Exile Island again? No? Oh.), and Yul, Candice and Becky say, "No, we want to work on Sundra and make sure she's a loyal fifth wheel in our alliance. And we'd prefer to do it without you three around, since you're the three we're allied against." So off go the three musketeers.

Ozzie, Cao Boi and Jessica reach another island. There's food! There's aloe! There's...Raro! Yep, they wander right into the enemy camp. And while I hoped this would play out like Captain Cook in Hawaii (killed by the natives) or Cortes in Mexico (a small band of interlopers wipes out the natives), it doesn't. Isn't history supposed to repeat itself?!?

Raro's a little nonplussed about the unwelcome guests. Particularly when Cao Boi launches into an impromptu soliliquy about Chinese mythology. It's edited to look like Cao Boi talks for 14 hours straight. At least, I hope to God it's edited to look like that. At this point, I don't think anyone would begrudge Raro killing and filleting Cao Boi on the spot (especially when he asks Raro if they have any spare spices lying around), but the three intruders head home uneventfully.

On Exile Island, Jonathan digs a huge hole in the sand. He then says, "Either the Idol's been found, or I'm a complete moron."

The Immunity Challenge is yet another convoluted series of small challenges. The teams have to build a set of three stepping-poles (listed under Pøvvër in your Ikea catalog), use them to help two people step from one platform to another, then everyone jumps into the water and climbs up on top of a tiny little platform. Think people cramming into phone booths and you've got the idea. Not that phone booths exist anymore.

Raro gets a big lead, because Jenny and Parvati are actually pretty skilled at hopping on the platforms. But Becky makes up some lost time for Aitu, and it's almost neck and neck as they try to fit everyone on the tiny platforms. Cao Boi falls into the water for Aitu (wouldn't have blamed them if they'd pushed him to pull a Billy), then everyone falls into the water for Raro. Aitu wins!

Raro has to pick someone to go home. It's pretty obvious that it's going to be Christina, since everyone's sick of her vocal competence and willingness to take the lead in stuff. Or so you'd think.

But Stephannie can't leave well enough alone. Remember last week, she cracked and almost begged to be kicked out. This time, she casually mentions to Nate that she wouldn't mind kicking back with some mashed potatoes and gravy. Nate's alarmed, and rushes to tell the others. They're all over this news like Republican Congressmen on a high-school quarterback. There's still a little support for kicking out Christina, but the nnews of Stephannie's hannkering for spuds is too much. They slowly come around to the idea that she's gone.

At Tribal Council, Jeff is in Cook Island formalwear: no hat, nicely pressed khaki pants. You clean up well, Probst. Jeff asks Raro if anyone stepped up as a leader since the coup on J.P. last week. They say, yeah, Christina's really bossy and annoying. Christina looks around completely stunned, and says she's sorry she came off this way. This tribe just can't handle a strong proud Latino, if you ask me.

So Christina probably figures she's gone, and is probably really confused when the vote is 7-1 to oust Stephannie.

(Incidentally, this is really starting to gnaw at me. We always see a couple of Survivors hold up their votes. We always see only the ones who we know how they're voting. And those are always the first ones Jeff picks out of the urn. Does that bother anyone else? No? Oh.)

Next week: Raro keeps beasting Christina! Cao Boi still won't shut up! 2 people will be voted off!

Posted by Michael at 11:57 PM | Comments (1)

October 06, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.4: Rats, and Birds, and Nitwits, Oh My!

Before the titles, before the theme music, we see rats running around at night. What are they meant to symbolize? The fact that weaker members of the tribes have to scurry around in the shadows? The fact that food is scarce, and the Survivors have to forage for every scrap? Is it a shout-out to the late great Paul Lynde, who voiced Templeton in the cartoon version of Charlotte's Web? Or is it just some interesting footage?

Sadly we'll never know, as we quickly shift the scene to the two-legged variety. Specifically, Ozzie, who wears a haunted look, knowing that Cecilia just departed and the old Aitu tribe is dwindling. Ozzie interviews that he feels like he's doing most of the foraging and cooking and cleaning and ironing and sock-darning and getting none of the credit. If he leaves, he figures, someone else will have to do it. I can see his frustration; he's a waiter back on the mainland, and waiting on people is what he's probably hoping to get away from. They don't make real-life systems analysts actually analyze systems out there on the island. Ozzie's threatening to go into Operation Shutdown.

Candice returns to Aitu after her stay on Exile Island. They tell her Cecilia got voted off, and she looks surprised that they had a Tribal Council without her. They ask if they have any idea why she was chosen to go to Exile Island, and she said she never really thought about it. Candice, dude, you were on a freaking island by yourself for three days; what in God's name did you think about? We know you couldn't get the Immunity Idol, since Yul already did. We can't really imagine you spending three days working on it. Were you trying to remember all the state capitols? Mooning over Billy? Repositioning your jaunty hat just so? WHAT?!?!?

At Camp Raro, we get a charming portrait of Princess Parvati and her minions. She's mad at the boys for sitting around eating while the girls weave (maybe she's conveniently forgotten the male/female ratio of the last Immunity Challenge), but she can't be too mad at the boys, since she needs them worshiping her and groveling at her feet. So she flashes them her huge...teeth, and quietly seethes to the camera about how domineering and manipulative J.P. is. I'd assumed J.P. was just your garden-variety chump, but he's gotten under Parvati's skin. If nothing else.

Reward Challenge! Jeff invites Raro to get their first look at the Cecilia-less Aitu tribe. Reaction shots from J.P. and Christina ensue. Shocking. The challenge is an obstacle course involving ropes, swimming and a puzzle. Becky gets stuck under a log, prompting Jon to yell out, "Let's not kill these girls!" He'll be humming a different tune in three weeks, no doubt. My Mom points out that Jon has the exact same voice as Alan Alda, for whatever that's worth. Also, I can't tell whether Jessica's wearing leggings or has tattooed everything below the knee. Anyway, Aitu wins the challenge, winning some blankets and pillows. They pick Adam to go to Exile Island, figuring (probably correctly) that he'll spend as much time there strategizing as Candice did. Raro trudges back to camp, pillowless, wondering how a team with four buff dudes lost a physical challenge.

Nate, Buff Dude #1, and Parvati are spending a lot of time together. And the night lighting isn't doing a lot for her appearance. They're concerned about J.P.'s power play, and Parvati wisely(!) says "Let the king sit pretty"; i.e., don't let him know that there's a coup d'etat bubbling up from the peasants, insofar as Queen Parvati can be considered one of the peasants. Nate chimes in, but his use of metaphors is quaint, almost as if he's translating them word-for-word into Dutch and back. "The ball is in [J.P.'s] pocket," he says. It sure is.

The next morning, Aitu has gathered around and is looking at boobies. The bird, you sick freaks. Cao Boi gets bird fever, and shimmies up a tree to whack a stick at some big bird. Real smooth, since the bird is really angry. Maybe because Cao Boi knocks the nest off the top branch, spilling its contents, which consists mostly of a freshly-hatched baby bird. Jon picks it up and tries to soothe it, nonplussed. Cao Boi stays up in the tree, apologizing to those above and below him. The yolk's on him, it seems. They reassemble the nest and Cao Boi places it back from whence he whacked it. He said the experience really humbled him, though I sense he's the kind of guy who would get real competitive at the Most Humble Award ceremony. Oh, and somewhere along the line, Ozzie catches enough fish to get his picture on the New York Islanders' jerseys. Weirdest Operation Shutdown ever.

The Immunity Challenge is a team effort to "rescue" a team member from some waterborne stocks; they have to build a raft, swim out to the stocks, "rescue" the "victim", then try to "build" a fire quick enough that their "tribe"'s flag gets raised first. Candice and Parvati play the Damsels in Distress. Shocking. Ozzie, the swimmer, makes up a huge Aitu deficit in seconds. Has he really shifted from "petulant twerp" to "dark horse pick to win the whole thing" in thirty minutes? Interesting. The fire building squad is Jenny (who may or may not have lost a thumb in the firemaking), Rebecca and Stephannie for Raro, and Cao Boi for Aitu. Cao Boi wisely chooses not to whack the fire with a stick, instead waving about and dancing. Somehow this works, and Aitu wins. Raro trudges back to camp, immunityless, wondering how a team with four buff dudes lost a physical challenge.

Stephannie makes the tactical blunder of telling the team that she lost the challenge, she's the weakest member, and she probably deserves to go. Nate's all, OK, if you don't want to be here, that's good enough for me. But Rebecca and Jenny have a different idea; they realize that it's 5 women to 4 men right now, and if they let the dudes pluck Stephannie, the womens' position becomes weaker. Stephannie realizes she'd like to stick around long enough to see this happen, Christina's on board. Now we think it's 3 votes for J.P., 4 votes for Stephannie, and 2 undecided. Jenny pitches the male/female plan to Parvati; Parvati totally misreads her and starts getting worried that less dudes means less influence for Her Majesty. So she's probably voting with the guys. But Brad comes over and they point out that no one really likes J.P., and he wasn't helping them win challenges anyway. Brad's immediately on board.

Nate finds time to throttle a few more metaphors, including something about "If I come out of my shell, it might bite me in the butt."

So we know that J.P. is probably for the axe, and Jeff's questions don't really get anything out of them, except J.P. admits that Stephannie didn't exactly lose the challenge all by herself. Still, when Jeff tallies the results and announces J.P.'s departure, J.P. does an audible Keanu Reeves impression and looks around beffudledly. As Nate might say, he was taken out back and shot from the blind side.

Posted by Michael at 12:42 AM | Comments (3)

September 28, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.3: Thus Endeth the Gimmick

So much for revolutionizing television. The "grand experiment" of separating all the Survivors by ethnicity lasted exactly 2.1 episodes. And we learned a lot in those 2.1 episodes: Asians don't like Asian jokes, even when told by Asians. Latino culture isn't as strong a bond as heavy metal. And white people are really, really lame.

We get 2 glimpses of the four tribes at the outset, though. The Aitu tribe doesn't seem to be wracked with guilt about throwing Billy under the bus. And Puka seems pretty grim, as everyone has to sit around and listen to Cao Boi tell stories about growing up in Vietnam, while wearing an onion 'round his belt (which was the style at the time). The ferry cost a nickel, which in those days had pictures of bumblebees on them. Brad openly wonders if Cao Boi needs a dose of Western medicine (I think he's thinking Quaaludes).

Treemail! It says something about using your brawn, so Camp Whitey starts doing ridiculous stretching exercises. The survivors gather at the beach, Yul returns from his successful jaunt to Exile Island, and Jeff orders everyone to remove their buffs. Sounds hot, you'd think, but no, they're still just the bandana things. Then, in case anyone just fell off a turnip truck, Jeff announces that the tribes are integrating. Guess he finally got to the part where Brown v. Board of Education overruled Plessy v. Ferguson. (And people don't think I do research.)

Jon, Parvati, Brad and Cecilia are randomly chosen to be captains; guys draft guys and girls draft girls. Then two of the four groups are randomly thrown together (in an ancient Cook Island ceremony involving a paint-filled egg), the upshot of which is that we now have two racially-mixed, gender-equal tribes.

Raro consists of Brad, J.P., Nate, Adam, Parvati, Jenny, Christina, Rebecca, and Stephannie. They all go back to camp and start hugging one another.

Aitu now consists of Jon, Yul, Ozzie, Cao Boi, Cecilia, Jessica, Sundra, Becky and Candice. (Candice, by the way, did not throw herself into the sea when she realized Billy went adios). They go back to camp and start scheming.

And since the scheming is mildly more interesting than the hugging, let's look at that. Yul and Becky are a solid alliance, as are Jon and Candice. Cao Boi and Jessica are starting to bond, because, hey, who eats just one Corn Flake? Yul and Jon throw their lots in together, and Yul quietly tells Becky that he has the Immunity Idol. Sounds like we've got ourselves an unbreakable alliance!

Cecilia also spills the beans to Candice about Billy's being hit by the thunderbolt at the last Challenge. Candice says she liked him, but she didn't like him like him. Everyone giggles. Meanwhile, Billy's somewhere trying to write a heavy metal song that disparages Ozzie, but trying to make it clear that he doesn't mean Ozzy.

At Raro, Pavarti marvels at the four slabs of beefcake that she won at the reshuffling party. She's already got her claws in Adam, she's working Nate hard, and the worst part is that she self-awaredly makes some kind of spiderweb reference. You're the Queen Bee, sweetie. Let's keep our Phylum Arthropoda specimens straight. Anyway, Nate bags an octopus (Phylum Mollusca), shattering the stereotype that black dudes can neither swim nor catch octopi.

The hunks bring the octopus back to Queen Pavarti for her approval. She's impressed with the number of suckers, and that's before she gets a look at the slain beast. Now the only question is who among them gets to be the first to put their tentacles all over her. And who speaks the International Language of Love?

Reward/Immunity Challenge! Jeff unveils a secret note to be opened after the challenge, which I have a sneaking tiny little wee suspicion might involve Exile Island. The challenge is fiendish in its simplicity; everyone's tied together with a 15 pound sandbag, chasing each other around a big oval through two feet of water. Jeff says you'll get tired quickly, and you can bow out, but someone else on your team has to take your sandbag.

Well, I don't like to throw the word "stampede" more than I have to, but really. The women all...OK...stampede to the sidelines, leaving Jon carrying 45 pounds of sand, and certainly some uncharitable thoughts about postfeminism (even if he did go to Sarah Lawrence), at one point. The Raro hunks catch and bring down Cao Boi, meaning Aitu's off to Tribal Council. The secret note is about (wait for it) Exile Island; Raro picks someone who will be there for the Tribal Council and thus can't be voted out. They confer for a moment and say Candice, which makes about as much sense as any of the other choices would.

The practical application of Candice's absence means that the eternal Yul/Jon/Becky/Candice alliance might not even last an hour. Yul tries to work on Cao Boi, and Jon tries to work on Jessica. Ozzie, realizing that he's the captain of the Also-Rans, forms an anti-Becky alliance with Sundra, Jessica and Cecilia. Then Jon adds Jessica to their alliance.

If you're keeping score, you may have noticed that both alliances feature Jessica. This is not a misprint.

See, she's one of those people that agrees with the last thing they heard. She's the reason people wave signs outside the polling place on Election Day. Jon, and Ozzie, and Cao Boi, and everyone else seemingly, explain their great strategies to her, and she sits there, smiling and uncaring, like a dog in an algebra class. Jon's a particularly crappy salesman; he pitches his plan to her, she says "Well, I don't know", and he immediately pitches it again. And it sounds different than last time - even to me, and I ostensibly know what his plan is. This tribe has trouble written all over it.

So we know three solid votes for Becky (suspected of weakness), and three for Cecilia (whose only crime was being there). Cao Boi and Jessica are anyone's guess. Jeff asks some humdrum questions, gets some humdrum answers, and they vote. Ozzie votes for Becky, saying "You made no effort to get to know me." So....your feelings were hurt? Grow up, Ozzie. Jessica, true to form, stares at her blank piece of parchment for a few long seconds. Jeff tallies the votes. Cecilia, in the wrong place at the wrong time, is gone: the first non-fat-lazy-guy voted off the island.

Posted by Michael at 09:33 PM | Comments (2)

September 21, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.2: Desperado

I really thought the theme song for Episode 2 would be different. Seeing the Hiki tribe, minus Sekou, trying to ignite their flint on the beach, I was all set to start making up lyrics to "We Couldn't Start the Fire (feat. Nate and Stephannie)" with Billy Joel samples.

But no. Tonight's episode was all about Billy. The Desperado. Although he probably thinks the Eagles are wuss rock, so let's assume "Desperado" was covered by...let's say Dokken. Because Billy only stops the rock twice an hour. Unfortunately, each of those breaks is 27 minutes long. The Survivor life expectancy of big dudes who like to take rests isn't good. Oh, he's a hard one, but I know that he's got his reasons.

The food-gathering seems to go better than on previous Survivors. Aitu is deep-sea fishing with spears and goggles (did they win those in the last challenge?), and I've never seen a bunch of people so happily announce that they've caught crabs. Puka's scooping up chickens left and right, and although Cao Boi's sense of humor could be more refined, at least he stays away from making the henweigh joke (would that I could say the same).

Aitu's also got a chicken, for a little surf-and-turf action, and while they're having their pesco y pollo, Cristina casually reveals that she used to be a cop. And got shot. And almost lost her arm. Billy is moved by this story, and goes off to have a nap and think it over. His prison is walking through this world all alone.

At Camp Raro, Jonathan returns from Exile Island and is a little nonplussed that the camp is in the exact same condition he left it. I'd like to think it's because Adam's been left alone with Parvati, Jessica and Candice for three days, but this is a family show, and it turns out they're just lazy. Or they were waiting to pay Aitu under the table to build their hut for them. Jon's all like, dude, we need a floor to sleep on. And Adam's all like, dude, what's the point, just because we've been sleeping on dirt for four nights we need a floor?!? Jessica, to her unexpected credit, pitches in, perhaps to atone for her hen fiasco last week.

Cao Boi's sense of humor is grating on the other Asians at Camp Puka. He's still plucking evil spirits out of the others via the bridges of their noses, but when the lights are out, he likes to tell Asian jokes. Not like Zen riddles, but like "How many Bhutanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" And the others think he's not funny, and he's perpetuating the stereotype of Asians as unserious-minded goofballs. Or something.

Billy's still out riding fences, so the other Aitus are thinking about pulling a 1919 Black Sox, and tanking the next challenge so they can get Billy ousted. 'Cause you know how well things turned out for Shoeless Joe Jackson. Luckily, they have time to plot, since Billy's snoring keeps them up all night. Ozzy's the Chick Gandil of the scheme, J.P. the Eddie Cicotte, Cristina the reluctant Buck Weaver, and Cecilia is whichever of the Black Sox liked to wear tiny bikini tops (probably Happy Felsch). Let's pray Jeff has the guts of Kenesaw Mountain Landis.

The reward challenge involves shackling the teams together, running them through an obstacle course, then answering questions based on a 30-second biography of Captain Cook that Jeff reads off. (Questions like, "What islands were named after Captain Cook?") Each of the non-Hiki tribes has to pick someone not to run, to make the teams even. Billy volunteers to sit out - very very eagerly - but the rest of the tribe tells him he's going to run the race. Somewhere in New York, Arnold Rothstein nods knowingly.

There's a tie! Puka and Raro each finish the trivia game at the same time, and jump onto their mats at the same time. Jeff looks back and forth, bewildered, then awards the win to the University of Oregon. Aitu lollygags their way to furth place. Ladies and gentlemen, your World Champion 1919 Cincinnati Reds!

They select Yul to go to Exile Island, where he shatters all the myths about Asians by efficiently, methodically locating the Immunity Idol.

Now we have to watch the great suspense of Aitu trying to figure out (Billy) who is going to be kicked out (Billy) at Tribal Council. Billy. At least he got to wink at Candice on the way home from the Challenge; I guess he figured out he'd better let somebody love him before it's too late.

At Tribal Council, Jeff asks Aitu if anyone has emerged as a leader. Ozzy says, no, we have no leader; I just suggest great ideas and the others implement them. J.P. lets Billy have it, calling him useless and stupid. Billy says that doesn't matter, because he and Candice are in love. Jeff does an honest-to-God double-take, and the other Aitus bite fingers off to keep from laughing out loud. Billy says if he goes, he's OK with it, because he likes the way he played the game. Outsnore, outeat, outslack. Survivor.

Next week on Survivor: Parvati's a slut! Aitu gets some sleep! Candice kills herself when she finds out Billy's gone!

Posted by Michael at 09:34 PM | Comments (2)

September 14, 2006

SurvivorBlog 13.1: Gimmick City

I wasn't going to go there. I had read and seen, of course, that the new season of Survivor was going to feature the wrinkle where the contestants were divided up along racial lines. Part of me figured "Oh, good; easy jokes", but the larger part of me thought that would be wrong. Then I realized two things: (1) this is the Internet, so nothing's wrong, and (2) the Survivors would make most of the jokes before I got the chance to.

So in the first fifteen minutes, we saw the Latino tribe saying they should win because they're used to living on tropical islands and fleeing places on boats, we saw the Asian tribe saying they're lighter and more mobile because of all that rice, we saw the African-American tribe talking about how they have to "represent", and we saw the white tribe stealing chickens from the oppressed minorities. I think I just heard the UN disbanding.

(Side note: next time, we need a Polish tribe, a Jewish tribe, an Indian tribe and a New Jersey tribe. I don't ask this; I demand it.)

Let's run down the first impressions:

Latino Tribe
Billy, the portly metalhead who opines that his people are best at floating from place to place
Cecila, who's in the early lead for "Most Likely To Pop Her Top"
Ozzy, who has a mop top
J.P., who is apparently a volleyball pro
and Cristina, who barely appeared in this episode.

Asian Tribe
Yul, who has a thing on his nose
Brad, who gets a thing on his nose (more on this later)
Jenny, who hasn't done much yet
Cao Boi (pronounced "Cowboy"), the Vietnamese hippie
and Becky, who was quiet, but I'm rooting for to win the whole thing for $ome $ecret rea$on.

Whitey
Jonathan, a fairly pompous writer/actor
Parvati, the sorority girl
Adam, the heartthrob
Candice, who didn't do much and
Jessica, proving that every season of Survivor needs a loopy performance artist with funky hair who pisses everyone off right away.

(Side note: I may have mixed up a couple of Survivors on Team Whitey. They all kind of look alike.)

African-American Tribe
Rebecca, who is out to prove that black people can swim
Nate, the dreadlocked waiter
Sundra, who keeps pretty quiet
Stephannie, who keeps even quieter
and Sekou, who (I kid you not) says "I have a dream" that his tribe will win.

The first fifteen minutes are standard Survivor. Twenty people, not one of whom spent a minute practicing making fire without a lighter. Arguments over how to build a tent. Chickens, which were salvaged from the boat (along with bananas - luau!), carried on a raft by the Asian team, and swiped by Jonathan from Team Whitey. Really off to a good start.

It's probably too early to make assumptions about Jessica, but she's a professional "roller girl" (Did anyone else start getting Melanie's "Brand New Key" running through their head?) who says she's her team's "alternative option", and then lifts the box to peek at the chickens, so they run away. On the other hand, maybe it's not too early.

We don't spend a lot of time with the Latino tribe, so it's pretty safe to assume none of them are going away the first night. Meanwhile at Camp Asian, Brad wakes up with a headache, and so wisely consults the wacky hippie guy who calls himself Cowboy. Cao Boi (for that is how it is spelled) does some freaky hippie thing where he yanks the hell out of Brad's nose; Brad's headache goes away, but now he has an unsightly red dot between his eyes. The Asian girls giggle at him.

At Camp Whitey, Jonathan's perturbed that Jessica has released the chickens that he so rightfully acquired. But they have bigger problems; a chilly night is setting in (there goes every mental image I had of the South Seas) and the three girls are fighting over who gets to snuggle with Adam. Candice is the early favorite in that derby, by the way.

And at Camp African-Americaney, things are getting a little tense. Sekou has plenty of ideas about how to set the camp up. But ideas are pretty much all he has, except for regularly scheduled break times. Actually, his breaks seem to go on a lot longer than his actual bursts of activity. The others are grumbling a little, and if you believe in Survivor foreshadowing, things don't look good here.

There was a commercial break before the Immunity Challenge, and I don't normally comment on commercials, but it's not like I was going to flip to the Sox game. I ain't that masochistic. But I'm also not masochistic enough to think that the commercial I saw was a good idea: a new pill for women that will shorten your period to three days, but side effects may include stroke, blood clots, and heart attacks. Remind me to send a thank-you note to each and every one of my Y chromosomes.

Immunity Challenge! Puzzle, boat, puzzle, climb, fire. (These things are getting too convoluted to really summarize.) The first three teams to finish get immunity and fire; the last gets Tribal Council. There's also a hidden wrinkle, which Jeff waves around, but it's securely protected by a sticker until the challenge is over. The Asians finish first, then the Latinos, then the Caucasians. Uh oh; trouble in the Cook Island hood.

Jeff and a team of experts get to work cracking open the sticker and reveal that the African-Americans get to send someone to Exile Island (as surprises go, this is right up there with the Christmas present that's wrapped up to resemble a football). In a remarkable show of minority solidarity, Nate and Sekou say that since Jonathan stole chickens from the Asians, he gets to spend some time alone. We don't see a reaction shot from Adam, which is too bad, because the female-male ratio at Camp Whitey just shot into the stratosphere. I just hope none of the gals are suffering from stroke, blood clots, or heart attacks.

Jonathan stews on Exile Island; he gets a clue to where the Immunity Idol is hidden, but it doesn't look like he finds it. Terry from last season probably already swooped in and dug it up.

Now the pre-Tribal Council scheming is underway. Nate and Sekou think that, since it's 3 sisters to 2 brothers, they're endangered species. Stephannie is their only nut to crack, since Sundra and Rebecca are already pretty tight. They try. Sekou says, "Are you going to be able to make a fire without me?" Stephannie shrewdly responds, "We don't have fire yet." Heh heh.

At Tribal Council (held on the pirate ship from The Goonies), Jeff asks how things are going uptown. They say they're all pretty friendly. Jeff asks Rebecca what her voting rationale will be. With a straight face, Rebecca says they're going to vote off their weakest member. They vote. 2 votes for Sundra, 3 votes for Sekou. He gets to take one hell of a long break now.

Posted by Michael at 09:23 PM | Comments (3)

May 21, 2006

SurvivorBlog XIV: Finale, Finally

We begin with the Final Four.

Cirie, who started off afraid of leaves, but grew to be competent, sassy, snarky, plus had to endure the sorrow of examining Shane's chafed bits. The sentimental favorite.

Aras, a yoga instructor and all-around amiable boob who allied himself with the completely mad Shane and Courtney, but somehow rode it out to make it this far.

Danielle, the bountiful Bostonian who got this far basically by not being quite annoying enough to kick out.

And Terry, the former fighter pilot who's carved through challenge after challenge, leaving a trail of dejected ex-Casayas wondering how he did it.

At the end of last episode, you may remember, the vote was 2-2 to oust Cirie or Danielle. Jeff Probst is surprisingly subdued as he explains to the ladies that they will be given all the tools to make fire, and whoever's fire gets high enough to burn through a rope will move on to the Final Three.

There's a lot of tension as fires go out and restart, and some reaction shots from the Jury of the Damned, but in the end Danielle's fire gets a little higher, and Cirie's non-pyre means she's required to expire. It was down to the wire.

There's a Reward Challenge for the final three: climb up an inclined wall using pegs. Winner gets a hearty meal and a comfy bed to prepare them for the final Immunity Challenge. Terry wins and gets all up in Aras' face. Well, good for you. The next morning, Terry describes his night of luxury while Aras angrily chews a nasty-looking piece of fish. Aras says that everyone and his mother expects Terry to win the last Immunity Challenge, so he's getting all existensial and nihilistic.

That morning comes the great Survivor tradition of remembering all the losers who've gone before them. Tina, we barely knew ye. Melinda. There's Misty eating a worm. Ruth-Marie, getting as much screen time in this vignette as she got all along. There's Bobby, chopping his fish. Dan; it's emotional for Terry, whose only soulmate on the island was an astronaut. Nick; Terry takes an opportunity to mock 24-year-olds. Austin. Sally. Bruce. The trio are getting a little emotional over these people they haven't seen in 12 hours. Courtney - no one can find the words. Shane - Aras says he will always have a place for Shane in his heart, and will for the rest of his life have a yardstick to say that someone might be crazy, but not as crazy as Shane. And Cirie. America's sweetheart.

They collect the torches of all the dearly departed, then have a bonfire at the skull on Exile Island. It's sort of like the Burning Man, but there are only three stinky, mentally unbalanced people.

Nobody really wants to spend the afternoon talking, so they wait it out for the Immunity Challenge. Everyone's psyched for the final Terry-Aras showdown, so of course the challenge is based on balance and patience. They have to stand for 15 minutes on a series of smaller and smaller platforms and not fall into the pool. Danielle, perfectly equipped for balance and flotation, gets off to a good start. On the third platform, Terry can never really get his feet under him, and goes down. Aras is struggling mightily. He looks to Danielle, who nods - either a nod of encouragement, or a simple hi, but probably not with the subtext that Aras reads into it - and he falls off too. Danielle wins the last, and her first, challenge.

So now she's got a decision to make: in her words, "one of" the toughest decisions she's ever had to make. One wonders what the others were, and if they involved how many buttons to leave unbuttoned. The boys go to work on her. She says she's indecisive because she's a Gemini. This is two hours long?!?

Terry thinks he should go to the Finals with Danielle because they had the alliance in the Final Four. Aras thinks he should go to the Finals with Danielle because she nodded at him just before he fell into the pool. They go to Tribal Council. Now that it's too late to help anyone, Terry reveals that he's had the Immunity Idol all along. Cut to more reaction shots of jurors, who look like Steve Martin and Martin Short in Three Amigos when Chevy Chase empties his completely full waterskin. Thanks for nothin', Terry; this will certainly be a feather in your cap if you make it in front of the jury.

Which he doesn't. Danielle sends Terry off into the wild blue yonder. The curse of the free car strikes again.

Aras and Danielle spend their last day on Hellhole Beach. Breakfast is served, with champagne. They go for a long walk along the beach, and Aras slips on a rock and cuts himself in several places. Danielle looks a little giddy, like she might win a million bucks thanks to the two greatest words in the English language (DE! FAULT!), but the Survivor M*A*S*H Unit shows up, applies some stitches, and Aras is healed. Danielle openly hopes they give him some mind-altering drugs, so he'll go all Jim Morrison on the jury and they'll reject him. I don't think she's reading the jury all that well.

The two face the jury and make personal statements, both of which boil down to "I played the game the best I knew how, and I feel confident with my integrity and honor." Now the Jury of the Damned gets to make statements and ask Danielle and Aras questions to make their final verdict.

Sally asks, who of the other Survivors helped you the most along the way? Both answer Cirie, which is possibly true, but certainly good politics, since nobody dislikes Cirie.

Bruce calls D&A "samurai warriors". If Japan just had an earthquake, it's due to countless actual samurai warriors turning over in their graves. He then asks what they would do with the responsibility of $1,000,000. Aras says he'd move out of his parents' basement and make himself a better person. Danielle wants to go around the country inspiring children. Presumably not just 14-year-old boys.

Terry says he doesn't think Danielle has honor or integrity, then asks them to rate themselves 1-10 on how well they performed in the challenges. Despite the fact that "Second Place" is now referred to as simply "Aras" in many parts of the realm, he gives himself a 9. Danielle says 8.5, since she fell for the cheeseburger gambit way back when.

Austin asks them to cite an example of a strategy they're proud of, and one they're not. Danielle's glad she picked Bruce over Bobby, and not so proud (inexplicably) of voting Courtney off. Aras is proud he was upfront with Melinda about her imminent demise (thus completely spoiling one of the six days she spent out there), and not so proud (inexplicably) about stabbing Shane in the back.

Courtney says she's dropped her guns in the sea of forgiveness, and even though both of them stabbed her in the back, she's a bird, and she's still gotta fly. I wish I had made ANY of that up. No dice. She asks the two what they've learned about themselves. Aras said he had his ego smashed; Danielle learned that she's tougher than she thought. Courtney eventually shuts up.

Cirie, showing why she should have won the whole damn thing, asks each of them for a compelling reason why she should vote for the other. Danielle says Aras is strong and honorable. Aras says Danielle was really sweet and helpful when he maimed himself that morning.

And finally, Shane. Who better to get the last word? He tells Danielle she was useless at camp and constantly contradicting herself. He tells Aras that he's a freeloader who broke the sacred vow he made on Shane's son. He says everyone had good intentions, but "if I'm judged on my intentions, I'm President of the planet." Go take a walk around the block and thank your lucky stars that Shane is not President of the planet. He says he wishes he could vote for Terry, since Terry deserves it more than either of these kids.

Then his question is one of those BS, I-don't-care pick-a-number things. Attaboy Shane. He sits down, Courtney grabs his shoulder, he visibly recoils. That, right there, made the whole thing worth it.

Jeff gets the urn, walks from Panama to Manhattan (I guess it could just be clever editing), and awards the million bucks to....

Aras. Congratulations. I guess.

Posted by Michael at 11:35 AM | Comments (1)

May 11, 2006

SurvivorBlog XIII: A [Angry] Man! A [Backfired] Plan! A Canal! Panama!

We begin in the dead of night. Shane's just been stubbed out into the Ashtray of the Damned, and the Final Four (Aras, Cirie, Danielle and Terry, if you're just joining us) are tramping back through the darkness to camp. As they arrive back at camp, Cirie chucks her (unlit) torch right into Terry's path. So Terry takes this as a chance to give a seemingly hour-long lecture about torch maintenance. The speech touches on discipline, possibly child abuse, and the crumbling of societal mores. But the really important thing to remember is that Aras interpreted the oration as being disrespectful to womyn. And that Terry is making himself oh so attractive to future members of the jury.

The reward challenge is diabolically confusing. They have to navigate some ropes, go to a bunch of locations where there's a bunch of stuff (poles, rocks, iguanas, etc.), count the stuff, navigate the ropes back to a puzzle, put in the numbers of items, open locks, and press a button every 108 minutes to keep the island from exploding (whoops - crazy island show crossover strikes again).

Now, you know Terry has won basically every challenge since the merge. And before every one, and after most of them, and at other random times, he's identified Aras as his biggest threat. Which has always sounded a bit like Bill Belichick saying, "We know the Jets are 2-11, and they've lost their last three games by a combined score of 107-3, but this is seriously going to be the toughest game we've ever played." But Aras is seriously overdue. And he takes an early lead. And Cirie freaks a little when she sees the iguanas.

But in the home stretch, everyone gets kind of tangled up. There's sweating, there's cursing, and Terry takes a swing at Aras! Sort of. It's less of a swing than Parish decking Laimbeer, but more than A-Rod's little girly slap at Arroyo. Everyone misses a number, and has to go back and recount something. Terry freaks because Aras made two stops on one trip and he wasn't sure that was allowed. Aras yells: "Call the Waahmbulance!"

Then Aras wins. To conclude my series of Boston sports references, Terry looks like Billy Crystal in the Bronx at the end of Game 7. And since Terry's taught everyone here to be a gracious winner, Aras rubs it in, saying he was trying extra hard because Terry's been disrespectful to womyn. Um. Terry goes off about how he's not going to be lectured by some kid.

He gets to pick someone to take a luxury cruise down the Panama Canal - he takes Cirie. Terry and Danielle get to be awkward and uncomfortable together on Exile Island for a while. Once again, we have two tribes.

Cirie and Aras marvel at the Panama Canal. I like to think that Teddy Roosevelt, and the 45,000 men (I didn't look up the exact number) who died of yellow fever during the excavation, knew someday it would build up to this.

On Exile Island, Terry's psychoanalyzing Aras, and Danielle, who you'd think would be all "I miss Courtney and Shane" at this point, is ready to go into the final four allied with Terry. The key to their plan, of course, is that one of them wins the next Immunity, so they can bump Aras now and Cirie next week. Which, frankly, is a pretty decent plan for them.

Cirie and Aras come back to camp. Aras greets the beach with a loud and merry toot, which somehow inspires Cirie to start a fire. She caught a fish all by herself, and now she starts a fire all by herself while he naps. Cirie's really blossomed here, to the point where I can't even make fun of her. I mean, 35 days ago, she was afraid of leaves.

The Immunity Challenge! Dig bags out of the sand, empty the bags to reveal puzzle pieces, solve the puzzles, find more bags, find the crazy French woman to lead you to the Others (whoops, there I go again). Cirie's out of the running so early that she might as well build a sand castle. Danielle gets flummoxed on one of the bags. Sawyer starts selling extra puzzle pieces (damn you JJ Abrams! Get out of my head!) And Aras wins. Take a minute to let that sink in.

Aras puts on the Immunity Necklace, wrinkling his nose at the old-man smell it's acquired. Jeff snickers as he sends the Survivors off to strategize. It's pretty clear that Aras and Cirie will vote for Danielle, and Danielle and Terry will vote for Cirie. The only question is whether Terry is willing to take a leap of faith, and give Danielle the Idol, figuring that everyone will assume he has it. But we'll get to that in a second.

First, Terry has a score to settle. He gets all up in Aras' face. What do you mean I'm disparaging womyn? Who do you think you are? How dare you insult me personally? He's built up a righteous head of steam; he's ready for a fight! Aras says, yeah, I was stupid to say that and I apologize. You've heard the expression "take the wind out of their sails"? Terry almost deflates as his rage dissipates. Well, carry on, then.

Everyone is gearing up for the upcoming tie vote. Like I said, Terry could slip the idol to Danielle (this is the last chance he has to use it), wait for Aras and Cirie to vote for her, then she can whip out the Idol and it's goodbye, Cirie. But you know, and I know, and Jeff knows, and Danielle knows, and random sailors in the Panama Canal know, that Terry's not the type of man who leaves his ass out in the wind. He's not giving her the Idol. So it's going to be a tie, and everyone assumes that the tiebreaker will be a fire-building contest. So we see a few minutes of Terry coaching Danielle, and Aras coaching Cirie. Good thing this episode started off with a seminar about gender relations.

Bring out the Jury of the Damned. Shane looks like a relaxed man, with access to Camels and topical cream. Cirie interviews about how she's completely changed and is proud of herself even if her game ends now. Danielle says something about trust, and we immediately cut to Shane and Courtney making faces. I swear they're going to reenact Heathers before this is all over.

And the vote. No surprise. 2 votes Danielle, 2 votes Cirie (Incidentally, this is the exact moment when Channel 4 decided we need to know that Joyce Kulhawik is hosting a pre-finale show on Sunday. And of course it had to scroll across the screen twice, slowly enough that someone learning English for the first time could puzzle it out. Sorry, I completely lost my train of thought. Let's start this paragraph again